That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
As Baby Brahim and Casper Smart had a toddler slap flight in the backstage daycare area at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, his sugar mami accepted an award for being the top touring act of 2012. Everybody bow downed to the zombie vampire queen as she showed us the finger she uses to pop one of Baby Brahim’s stubborn doody bubbles. She’s maternal like that. And here’s Madge taking off those pretentious cataract sunglasses while accepting her trophy, which looks like Tommy Lee’s gilded dick:
Yes, several pairs of fetus ass cheeks were used to make Madge’s newest face and she looks like a pimp who has fallen on hard times and had to get an extra job as a morning-shift stripper, but she still looks hotter than Ke$hit (although, that’s not hard to do)!
Here’s the video for Madge’s new single “Turn Up The Radio
(Because My Hearing Aid Ain’t Working))” and it’s kind of like Driving Miss Daisy if Driving Miss Daisy took place in Florence, Italy and had 100% less Morgan Freeman and 100% more Madge crotch, turning hitchhikers in suits and man nipples. The song scrapes the skin off of my ear holes, because for some reason she sounds like a chipmunk on helium doing a baby voice and the video looks like it was ran through a few Instagram filters, but Madge is looking hot here. I’m probably only saying that because she’s starting to look like Taylor Swift’s pussy in the face.
Granny porn alert! At around the 2:50 mark in the video above, Madge flashes Baby Brahim’s pacifier of choice at the audience while performing “Human Nature” in Istanbul
last Thursday night. Leave it to Madge to show all of us that you’re never too damn old to give your subjects some titty. I know that most of us have seen Madge’s nipple more times than we’ve seen our own, but it was either this or post censored pictures of Snooki’s naked and shaven Ewok body. I’m not trying to get busted for posting bestiality porn, so I think I made the right choice.
And since YouTube is prejudiced against lady nipples, the video might get taken down. If it does, (NSFW) click here some of Madge’s peek-a-titty action.
(Thanks to Tim & Nyn for sending this in)
File this under: Some All About Eve shit.
Madge will start twerking her muscled prune crotch for the children in her MDNA tour in Tel Aviv this Thursday, and over the weekend someone uploaded rehearsal footage (via HuffPo) of her showing us that some things get better with age, like all-natural cuntiness. Remember when the gays had to take sides (I chose the side marked “Stacey Q FOREVER“) after Lady CaCa Xerox copied “Express Yourself” and labeled it “Born This Way“? Well, Madge is keeping the bitchiness going by performing a mash-up (I like to call the Reductive Remix) of “Express Yourself” and “Born This Way” followed by “She’s Not Me.” If that isn’t a subtle chancleta slap to the tuck, I don’t know what is. Madge earned a AARP black card for that brilliant cunt stunt move. Do it, Madge! Put that copy + paste bitch in her place and let her know that abuelitas are never EVER the one.
Here’s a few pictures of Madge giving us some Granny Got Your Gun moves during rehearsal two days ago.
Obviously, I lie telled in the post below, because Madge’s Darth Vadar crotch had a starring role in tonight’s Super Bowl halftime show. I don’t know whether Madge’s dark spirit is trying to exorcise itself out of her eye sockets via her neck veins or if it’s trying to escape through her gargoyle snatch. The only thing I know is that if I were wearing a crucifix around my neck, it would’ve turned upside down before exploding into dust. Somebody get the priest and a gallon of holy water, but this is some serious dark-sidedness.