Heather Locklear Got Arrested Again

Heather Locklear has been going through it, y’all, and it is breaking my gay heart. Unfortunately, for the 90s’ most important blond bad girl (pictured above in her latest mugshot), the trouble is not over. Continue reading

It’s Like She Never Left!

Here’s the teaser trailer for Amanda Woodward’s long-awaited return to Melrose Place in two weeks. Personally, I’d rather the trailer feature Amanda pushing Asshole Simpson in front of a fast-moving bus driven by Dr. Kimberly Shaw, but this will do too.

And I really hope the writers explain why Amanda suddenly has a face like Billy the Puppet.

The Real Bitch Is Back

The new Melrose Place is lacking….well….EVERYTHING. What that shit needs is a genuine bitch in a power suit to stroll in there and slap some excitement into it. Well, first they need someone to slap Asshole Simpson, because bitch is always asleep at the acting wheel. Asshole’s elbows play a more pivotal role in that show than she does. Those who watch this crap know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, back to the bitch at hand. UsWeekly says that Amanda Woodward will return to Melrose Place to beat ass and take names! Amanda will make her first appearance on the November 17th episode. Amanda needs to take a page out of Kimberly’s crazybook and blow that BITCH up again, because they need to start over again.

The show’s executive producers issued this statement: “Heather’s involvement in the show is something we’ve been working on for some time as we couldn’t imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character’s inclusion.”

Now that the light of Melrose Place has returned, maybe that show won’t be so damn dark anymore. Like, literally dark. I know most of the new hos on that show are dim bulbs, but that shit is ridiculous! Seriously, turn a light on. Watching that mess makes me feel like I have cataracts.

Sydney Has HER Michael Back

The CW already announced that their shit-covered redo of Melrose Place is less shittier, because Sydney Andrews has risen from the dead and joined the cast. Now another original bitch has crawled out from under their rock to join this mess. The bill collectors can finally scratch Thomas Calabro’s name off their list, because People says he will return to the new MP as Dr. Michael Mancini. In the wise words of Gary Coleman, “The mortgage is due every month.”

In the new MP, Dr. Mancini is the father of David Patterson, one of the main whores. The pilot episode is expected to shoot next week.

The CW is finally doing things right! So, now that Sydney and Michael are back, they’re going to need a bitch to terrorize. Jane Mancini, you and your bowl cut are needed. And how can you have Michael without some Kimberly?! You can’t! So they will have to make room for her too. Oh and Sexy Lexi too. And Amanda. And Dr. Peter. And Rhonda. And Megan. And Jake. And basically everybody! Fuck, The CW should just change Melrose Place into a retirement community and move all the old whores back in! Keep the Depends well stocked and the Metamucil flowin’! It’s the only way this mess will work.

Long Live Sydney!

Remember during the fifth season finale on Melrose Place how Sydney Andrews got ran the fuck over on her wedding day by that stupid skank Samantha Riley? Everyone thought her ass was dead! I cried and a little piece of me also died that day. Well, Sydney has risen from the ashes and is back at Melrose Place! Fuck to the yes! This proves that ginge never dies!

The Hollywood Reporter says Laura Leighton has made time in her extremely busy schedule to reprise her role as Sydney Andrews in the new Melrose Place pilot. Sydney will play the landlord of Melrose Place.

This almost makes me forget the fact that a certain tardy Asshole Simpson is in this mess. I hope that in the pilot Sydney beats down Asshole the same way those street whores whipped her ass.

It’s nice to see that Sydney finally found a respectable job as landlord. I mean, bitch was a call girl, a madam, a stripper, a cult member, a mental patient and a street whore! Oh, how I wanted to be her.

I was ready to fart all over this wreck, but now that Sydney is back, I have hope. And the writers better make Sydney say “Rot in HELL!!!!” at least a dozen times during the pilot.