Melissa Joan Hart Told Her Kids That She Doesn’t Know If Non-Jesus Believers Are Good People

Melissa Joan Hart has gone public with her amazing transformation from Sabrina The Teenage Witch to Ice Cold Middle-Aged Holy Judgmental Bitch. You can go ahead and add Melissa to the list of former pre-teen idols that has fallen on hard times. Melissa has gone public with her innermost beliefs, which are that if you don’t believe in Sweet Baby Jesus, you are basically a terrible person who should stay away from her kids. This has many people calling her a lo-fi anti-Semetic.

Continue reading

Nickelodeon And Melissa Joan Hart Are Thinking About Rebooting “Clarissa Explains It All”

There are a few Nickelodeon shows from my childhood that I assumed were untouchable from the ghoulish rebooting hand of Hollywood. Clarissa Explains It All was pretty high up on that list, but as it turns out, nothing is safe and everything is up for grabs. I want to hide Are You Afraid of the Dark somewhere deep in the woods, because I’ll tolerate a Clarissa reboot, but goddamn it Nickelodeon, I cannot sanction a new Midnight Society.

According to sources that have spoken to The Hollywood Reporter, Nickelodeon and Melissa Joan Hart are in early discussions to reboot Clarissa Explains It All. Melissa played Clarissa Darling for five seasons from 1991 to 1994. Sources claim that the new Clarissa will star Melissa as adult Clarissa with a family and kids.

Clarissa creator Mitchell Kriegman is in talks to return to write and executive produce. Melissa will also executive produce with her mom Paula Hart, via their production company, Hartbreak Films. Nickelodeon wouldn’t comment, and the sources claim everything is early in development.

The reboot is probably going to involve almost zero effort. Clarissa spent most of her time talking to an invisible audience in her bedroom. In 2018, that’s called having a YouTube channel. She doesn’t even have to change her wacky mismatched wardrobe; she can just say she’s a LuLaRoe consultant now. I just hope that when it comes time for casting the rest of the family, Melissa considers calling up her old Melissa & Joey co-star Joey Lawrence and asking him to come in and read for the part of the dad. He could use the money right now.

Pic: Nickelodeon

Melissa Joan Hart Complained That Hurricane Maria Ruined Her Vacation

Melissa Joan Hart may have played a teen witch on TV but that doesn’t mean she can control the weather. Melissa recently posted a lament on Instagram about her family vacation having to be canceled because of Hurricane Maria, and you won’t be surprised to learn that she got dragged like 20 pound sack of flour being carried by a toddler for it.

Continue reading

Clarissa Exposes It All

Well, as much as any of us want to see of Melissa Joan Hart, anyway. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there are many people out there who are dying to fap to an image of Sabrina the Teenage Witch’s bare broomstick saddle. And yet I’m sure there’s probably a ton of gross Salem fanfic that exists? (Update: Yes. And please bring me some Pepto, I don’t feel well).

Melissa Joan Hart is the second former Dancing with the Stars contestant to announce this week that they’re currently dropping pounds and cashing cheques courtesy of a weight loss company. Melissa is currently on the Nutrisystem payroll and announced her 40-lb weight loss by posting this not-at-all photoshopped picture of her new bikini body to Instagram yesterday with the caption:

It’s not everyday I like to show a lot of skin but these days I’m feeling confidant. Thanks Nutrisystem! Look for my new commercial that begins airing April 21! And don’t miss me tomorrow on @GMA. You can ask me questions on twitter with #askMelissaGMA.

I have a question, Melissa: Why are your legs so fucking shimmery? You look like you’re wearing the weird pantyhose that Hooters girls wear (which is usually The Look, just not here). When she appeared on Good Morning America Wednesday morning, Clarissa explained why she’s all of a sudden turned into Leann Rimes 2.0:

“It’s the first time I’ve been able to wear a bikini in probably 10 years. I felt confident enough to wear a bikini because I lost 40lbs with Nutrisystem and I’ve been able to just keep going.”

These are the times I’m glad I’m a graduate of the prestigious Like I Give A Fuck Finishing School, because I wear whatever the fuck I want to the beach and don’t give a fuuuuuck. The beach is for getting drunk on cans of Bud Light Lime, “going swimming” =  pissing in the water, and writing HAG on your friend’s back in SPF-50 after they decide to take a nap. I say wear a bikini whenever you want to; ain’t nobody got time to judge tummy pooches, flat butts, and dude tits when they’re trying to roll a joint without getting sand in it.

Pic: Instagram

What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash