Melanie Griffith’s Seizures Stopped After She Got Divorced

When I saw that Melanie Griffith spoke on a panel with Sharon Stone on Wednesday night, I got excited thinking it was just going to be Sharon reenacting the iconic Basic Instinct snatch scene (which The Sun reached by saying she did) taking turns reenacting the Basic Instinct snatch shot and Melanie talking about Antonio Banderas’ peen. Instead, it was a serious talk where Melanie opened up about battling epilepsy and said all her ills went away as soon as she signed her divorce papers.  Continue reading

Melanie Griffith Says She Wasn’t Aware How Much Her Surgeries Had Changed Her Face

It’s not exactly a secret that for the past two decades, Melanie Griffith has been working a pretty un-Melanie mug. That pic above is from 1999. Melanie says she realized that something was up with her face after hearing about six million “Uh Melanie? I think your face is melting” jokes.

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So, Kanye West’s Weird Album Listening Party/Fashion Show Happened Today….

At Madison Square Garden in NYC today, Kanye West farted up his newest collection of overpriced dumpster finds and he also played songs (one of which has a touching lyric about Taylor Swift) from his new album The Life of Pablo. I’m guessing he means Pablo Escobar since coke was definitely a co-producer on that album. Kanye held his Yeezy season 3 show at MSG, because his organizers probably knew it was the only place that’d be able to hold in his craziness, throbbing ego and all of those foam insulation-filled Kartrashian asses.

I watched mostly all 500 hours of the livestream and for the first time in my life I felt really sorry for models. They all had to stand there looking sad, hungry and constipated while wearing dusty, moth-eaten aerobics clothes that have been in the back of someone’s mother’s closet for the past 30 years. Not only did they have to stand there in condom beanies and Star Trek Lululemon shit, but they also had to listen to Kanye fuck his own ego while playing songs from his new album.

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Dakota Johnson’s Parents Still Haven’t Seen Her In Fifty Shades Of Grey

“Honey, it’s not that daddy doesn’t approve. It’s just that he’s not mentally strong enough to watch you recite such terrible dialogue.”

The human version of a beige turtleneck, Dakota Johnson, made an appearance on Ellen yesterday to talk about Black Mass, but of course the conversation turned to Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades Shittier isn’t scheduled to be released until 2017, and already we’re talking about it. THANKS, ELLEN. But they also talked about the first Fifty Shades movie, because why not. So even though the first Fifty Shades made almost $600 million, Dakota would like you to know that $0 came from the wallets belonging to her parents, Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson.

Ellen: “Has your dad seen the movie?”

Dakota: “Nuh-uh.”

Ellen: “Has your mom seen it?”

Dakota: “No.”

Ellen: “So nobody wants to see that movie.”

Dakota: “Uh-uh, nobody in my family.“

Dakota then stopped herself before she could blurt out: “I mean, even I don’t want to see myself in Fifty Shades of Grey. Really – I’d do anything to get out of this mess. I really hope my agent is listening right now.”

Melanie’s kid also talked about how it’s not just her parents who are giving her the “No thank you” treatment. According to Dakota, newly single Dakota Johnson can’t get a date because of Fifty Shades. Fifty Shades of Grey: Blocking cocks since…whenever that shit was released.

Ellen: “Do you notice a difference in guys approaching you or not approaching you?”

Dakota: “You mean, like, when they run away from me? I don’t know. I guess that, if those are the only two options, I guess that they’re scared of me…I guess they either love me or they’re running for the hills. I guess they’re running for the hills.“

I actually think Dakota’s lack of dick probably has less to do with Fifty Shades and more to do with the fact that her mother is living silicone legend Melanie Griffith. It would be far too tempting to show up at Dakota’s house for your first date, see Melanie sunning her gorgeousness out by the pool, and run as fast as you can past the blandness that is Dakota and into the arms of the sexy angel behind her.

Here’s more of Dakota with her sunset-colored dad at dinner last night.

Pics: Splash

Melanie Griffith Wants Everybody To Know That She’s Totally Over Antonio Banderas’ Ass, Okay?

When we all found out that Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas’ marriage threw itself into a grave on top of the remains of her career (I’m wrong for that, because she was in an episode of Hot In Cleveland and working with Betty White is a career HIGH!), some hos wondered what would become of the definition of “bad choices” on her arm. Would she have that heart-shaped Antonio tattoo turned into a meatball with a unicorn riding on top of it (that’s what I would do)? Would she tattoo the words “FUCK YOU,” over Antonio’s name? Would she leave it and visit tattoo shops all over the world and try to talk people out of making the same mistake she did by inking their piece’s name into their flesh? No, Melanie hasn’t done any of that yet. Instead she’s using that busted down Antonio tattoo to get herself some attention, because why not?

Before going to the Taormina Film Festival in Italy yesterday, Melanie took a foundation stick from Wet ‘N Wild’s Passive Aggressive Collection and sloppily covered up Antonio’s name on her arm. Sure, Melanie could’ve put on a cardigan, but then all of us wouldn’t be talking about how she’s so over Antonio that she lazily slapped some pancake make-up on his name inked into her arm. But you know, Melanie didn’t have to bother covering that mess up. Because most people don’t even notice it since they’re too busy screaming, “FOR WHY? For why did she make her face look like a melting puppet sucking on a lemon?”

And here’s more of subtle Melanie “Hot Fucking Dog” Griffith wearing a Roberto Cavalli barf bag while hanging out with Eva Longoria at the Taormina Film Festival yesterday.

Pics: AP, Getty, Wenn.com

Melanie Griffith Is Fighting Antonio Banderas For Custody Of Their Three Dogs

We’re only ten days into the divorce of Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, and already things are getting Lifetime-levels of dramatic. TMZ says that we’re not too far away from watching the courtroom scene of ‘Not Without My Dogger: The Melanie Griffith Story’, because the exquisite sun-kissed half-melted collagen candle plans to pull her best Tess McGill suit out of storage and fight for the custody of her and Antonio’s three dogs. “Aww, but I wanted to go with the Nasonex Bee” – that dog’s face.

Regardless of when the papers are filed, a divorce between two Hollywood types isn’t official until it turns trashy and they start publicly fighting over shit. Sadly, Melanie and Antonio’s daughter Stella turns 18 in September, so they can’t really fight over her. Thank goodness they have dogs! I was afraid they’d be forced into a messy custody battle for the most important asset accumulated during the course of their marriage: the Antonio tattoo. Watching Melanie and Antonio fight over the future Shroud of Turin on Melanie’s shoulder would have the intensity of 10 Kramer vs. Kramers.

A source (one of the dogs after receiving a Costco-sized bag of Beggin’ Strips from Melanie) tells TMZ that Melanie is the better dog owner and that her fur babies mean the world to her. Personally, I don’t think we need to bring in Judge Toler to decide the fate of Melanie and Antonio’s dogs, because it’s obvious they should stay with Melanie. Any dog that is constantly tempted by Melanie’s glistening canned vienna sausage lips and doesn’t hungrily lunge at them shows they have the utmost respect for their pack leader. Not to mention that Antonio seems like he’s really more of a pussy person.