The Grammys red carpet always looks like an intergalactic space orgy sprinkled with a bunch of random rappers who just rolled out of bed with barely enough time to grab their grill from the bedside table thrown in for good measure. Every year, it’s a mess. Plus you’ve always got legitimate superstars mixed in with a whole lot whosits and whateverhappenedtos. This year’s Grammy red carpet was no exception. I’m trying to sift through some of these looks, and honestly don’t know where to begin.
“Keep your eyes up, Papa, keep your eyes up, you don’t need to get a Smurf boner in your leggings at the premiere of a children’s movie.” – Papa Smurf to himself in that picture, obviously.
The last Smurfs movie only came out in 2013, but Sony has already rebooted it with an all new voice cast. Smurfs: The Lost Village had its premiere in Culver City, CA yesterday and Ariel Winter, who does the voice of Smurf Lily, showed up in an ensemble that once again screamed: I am not the nerd chick I play on Modern Family! Ariel wore a stunning dress that looks like it was made with motel curtains from the 70s and pantyhose. That mess is something Kylie Jenner would design if she did a line for Fashion Nova.
Sure, Ariel wore that to the premiere of a children’s movie during the day and some may think that look is highly inappropriate for the occasion, but I say that it’s highly practical. Maybe Ariel was hitting up Florentine Gardens, or some other club, afterward and what’s really highly inappropriate is flashing drivers as you’re changing in the backseat of a car while driving to the club. Besides, Ariel knew she had to bring a touch of sophistication and glamour to the event since the Smurfs always wear the same boring and homely thing. I mean, if Papa Smurf insisted on wearing another pair of leggings, he could’ve glamour’d it up a bit by wearing leggings with cut-outs or rhinestones. Boring bitch!
Here’s more pictures from yesterday’s premiere including a couple of Joe ManJello holding a Smurfette stuffed doll. If you’re a plushie who’s really into Joe ManJello, those pictures must be a wet dream fantasy come-to-life for you.
Pics: AP, Wenn.com
Meghan Trainor Wants You To Know The Drama Surrounding Her Last Music Video Wasn’t A Publicity Stunt
Back in May, Meghan Trainor cursed our eyes and ears with a music video for the song “Me Too.” About 0.6 seconds after it was released, she yanked it down and cried Photoshop. At the time, the conspiracy theorist in me was skeptical of the whole situation. Like, wouldn’t she have watched the video first before it was released? As someone who has to re-record a greeting at least thirteen times before I assign it as my outgoing message, I can confidently say I’ve spent more time on a lot less. Well, it looks like I can go ahead and put my tinfoil hat away, because according to Meghan Trainor it definitely 100% wasn’t a cheap publicity stunt.
When Jennifer Lawrence performed her latest choreographed stumble in London, I didn’t even bother lifting up the score card with a giant zero on it. It was such a pathetic attempt, and it was sad seeing the one-time Legend of the Falls fall from grace with that half-assed stumble. Maybe Jennifer Lawrence just needs a little inspiration, and so she should pull up a chair and watch rejected Mouseketeer turned pop person Meghan Trainor bust her ass on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night.
Two painful things happened during Meghan’s performance: She sang that eardrum-bruising song “Me Too” and her ankle turned on her by causing her bass to go boom. Meghan’s fall gets a solid 7.5 from me. Trick gave us ankle wiggling, a hair flip and a shriek. After Meghan’s ass ate floor, Jimmy Fallon turned himself into Jimmy Fallin’ by lying next her. Meghan is fine and didn’t die, so it’s okay to laugh, and then re-watch it and laugh, and then re-watch it again and laugh, and then re-watch it again and laugh X 300,000.
Because I care about your nerves and don’t want you to hurt yourself by listening to the song, the lead-up to the fall starts at the 3:40 mark.
You’re probably wondering why Meghan just didn’t Photoshop that fall out of her performance. Meghan said on Good Morning America today that she re-shot the performance, but they decided to go with that one. Because you know, a Meghan Trainor performance on its own is about as exciting as flavorless oatmeal made with tap water, but add in a fall and it’s instantly entertaining. America runs on pop tricks falling.
Meghan Trainor Pulled Her Latest Music Video Because She Thinks They Went Overboard On The Photoshop
I have some bad news for those of you who are looking at this screen shot of a Wynonna-looking Meghan Trainor standing with dancers that look like they were borrowed from a low-budget fan edit of Aqua’s “Lollipop (Candyman)” and are wishing that you could watch an entire music video of it. The music video that goes with that screen grab has been deleted forever by Meghan Trainor herself. Well, at least that specific version of that video.
Earlier today, Jennifer Lopez released her new single, “Ain’t Your Mama“, which may or may not be the response she gives whenever she receives a text message from Casper Smart asking to borrow $40 for an eyebrow waxing session.
JLo, who is serving ten tons of Photoshopped Gil Elvgren realness in that pin-up picture from the single, is set to debut “Ain’t Your Mama” live on the final episode of American Idol tonight. Poor JLo. She really picked the wrong night to promote her new single. Nobody’s going to pay any attention to her performance after William Hung puts everyone in a hypnotic trance with his arthritic robot dance moves. Thankfully she remembered to drop “Ain’t Your Mama” on iTunes first before it’s completely overshadowed by the real talent on Idol.
As for the song, it was produced by the music industry’s current alleged villain, Dr. Luke, and co-written by Meghan Trainor. From what I gleaned while listening to the lyrics, it’s about JLo telling the lazy videogame-playing man in her life that she isn’t going to be cooking his dinner or scrubbing the scootch marks out of the ass of his boxers. See? Dr. Luke can’t be a “not good person” (copyright: Kelly Clarkson) to women; he has a feminist mom and produces girl power songs! Here it is. Warning: JLo’s satin-wrapped ass pads in the picture above is the best part of this song.
Shit, what did Casper do to go from “I Luh Ya Papi” to getting yelled at for his insubordination? JLo is not your mama, Casper! You’ve got to earn that money by doing chores around the house like any other kept boy toy. You better start pulling your weight, or else you’re going to find yourself calling your real mama and asking her to pick you and all your shit up from JLo’s house.
Pic: Jennifer Lopez