Drama Queen Thomas Markle has finally been Heismaned out of his daughter Duchess Meghan‘s life. No, Meghan hasn’t had the peasants of her newly adopted country install a deep moat of fire water and hungry crocodiles with 10 foot poisoned tip spikes embedded on their backs around the Palace, but her dad says that she and the Royal Family have completely ex-communicated him and there’s no way for him to get in touch with her.
In addition to celebrity connections, and scandalizing shoulders, Duchess Meghan brought one more item of interest with her when she married Prince Harry back in May. She brought drama-spewing family members willing to sell her ass out for fame and riches! The Markle ne’er-do wells looking to cash in on Meghan’s star-crossed romance are numerous, and currently leading the charge has been Meghan’s dad, Thomas Markle.
If you’re an Anglophile or a Royals stan (Britain not Kansas City), you watch The Crown and you’ve been witness to ALL the crazy drama, intrigues, decisions, scandal, and sacrifice that THE QUEEN (aka Queen Elizabeth II) has had to endure, withstand, and triumph over in her long career as HBIC: UK Edition. Plus, her husband seems like he can be a real dick sometimes. She puts up with a lot of shit! And we’re not even getting into what her kids, nieces, nephews, and grandkids got up to when they came of age. Hence, they have a big celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor her birthday. She’s 92 this year, and the parade in her honor is called Trooping the Colour. Basically, the British military puts on their butchest outfits, and marches/rides/flies jets by the palace to pay homage. The Queen responds by dutifully waving and counting the hours until she can get back to The Royal Recliner and continue to binge on The Great British Baking Show.
But this is probably the last year of the monarchy since Duchess Meghan wore an off-shoulder Carolina Herrera dress and her SCANDALOUS bare shoulders are going to destroy the crown!
While guzzling down my 90th can of Red Bull during the 18-hour-long royal wedding watch-a-thon, someone on the Today show talked about how it was rumored that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan were going to honeymoon in Namibia because Africa is a special place to them since they had one of their first dates there. But that rumor was wrong. Prince Harry must like Tim Hortons coffee with a side of Shania Twain because it sounds like he’s taking his bride to Canada. Eh???
TMZ says Harry and Meghan are going to the Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge in Alberta, Canada, for their royal-sanctioned vacation of boning. Some of you might be scratching your heads at why they’re hopping the pond just to be a few miles away from the Suits set when, if they’re going to all the trouble, why not just head south so they can play a game of ding dong ditch with Meghan’s asshole half-siblings.
While the New York Post is calling their honeymoon spot “the most boring place on Earth,” the initial reports says it does have some royal ties – and not just because it shares the same country as Queen Celine Dion. King George VI and the Queen Mother stayed there in 1939, THE QUEEN and Prince Philip checked it out in 2005, and Xenu royalty John Travolta has been there, so at least the royals know there is a working spa with late hours of operation.
The royal family used to talk to the press with about as much frequency as I go to the gym – aka neverrrr. Things have changed a lot, and the royals do more interviews to advance their causes, so the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla Parker-Bowles granted an interview at a recent charity visit…and also spoke up a tad on the wedding of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle. Continue reading
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading