The clock tower is about to ring noon. There is an audible gasp from inside St. George’s Chapel. In walks a stunning creature dressed in thousands of dollars worth of custom couture. Guests can be heard whispering, “I can’t believe it” and “So gorgeous.” And then as they approach the soft light from the prettiest stained-glass window, he says, “Yes, it’s me, Oscar-winning actor George Clooney. But really folks, it’s not my day, let’s keep the attention on the bride.” Then he winks to The Queen, and motions to Duchess Kate that he’ll catch her after the ceremony for an autograph. I’m sure that’s how it’s already playing out in George Clooney’s mind when he attends the royal wedding tomorrow.
There was a rumor that George and Amal Clooney would be on the guest list for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding. A source tells People that rumor is true. The source says Meghan and Amal were introduced to a mutual friend and have been pals ever since Meghan moved from the U.S. to the U.K. in November. Apparently they share “many interests.”
Not only did George and Amal get a wedding invite, but they’re also part of the super-exclusive 200 people who get to party at the private evening. They only live 30 minutes away from Windsor.
George and Amal love a red carpet and cameras. So this means they’ll take their sweet time upon arrival and cause the whole thing to be delayed by at least 2 hours. Jesus, as if the lead-up to this wedding needs to be dragged out any longer!
Meghan Markle met Prince Charles about 90 seconds ago (okay, eight months ago, if you picky bitches really want to get technical), but yet I guess she felt close enough to him to ask him to escort her to Prince Hot Ginge (read: she shrugged like, “okay“, when the royal family told her he was going to walk her ass down the aisle). And you know Prince Charles is going to stop halfway through in front of Prince Philip and do that “pull my finger” move. Those geezers can’t help it.
When Thomas Markle found a surefire way to get out of a wedding (tip: if you want to get out of going to a boring wedding, get heart surgery), the royal family and whoever the British royal version of Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner is had to figure out who’s going to walk Meghan down the aisle. The obvious choice was her mom Doria Ragland, because they’re close and it’d be a MODERN start to this MODERN wedding. (“Bitch, please!” – said Queen Victoria who walked two of her daughters down the aisle.) And some thought that Meghan may make a statement by walking herself down the aisle. Kensington Palace announced today that her future father-in-law and Lady Elaine Fairchild’s long-lost twin brother, Prince Charles, will do the job.
Yesterday morning, Meghan Markle’s dad Thomas Markle had his chest opened up and his heart operated on in a hospital in Rosarito, Mexico. He was well enough to talk to TMZ shortly after going through major fucking surgery, so that’s a good sign, I guess. But even though Thomas is well enough to talk to his new BFF Harvey Levin, he’s obviously not well enough to sit in coach for a 10+ hour flight to London. I say coach, because you know THE QUEEN isn’t about to open up her pocketbook and pull out coins to upgrade a trashy American traitor who has stained her family’s pristine image of never ever selling each other out or acting a mess. NEVER!
Since any royal news isn’t official until it’s hear ye hear ye’d out by the modern day version of the town crier (read: Twitter), Kensington Palace tweeted a note from Meghan where she confirmed that the father she’s always “cared” for isn’t going to her wedding. Yes, she said “cared” and not “loved.” There really hasn’t been nearly enough stories about this fucking wedding, so it’s a good thing she used “cared” in her statement, because now we’ll get 12,000 think pieces about that. Yay!
If you change that sign to read, “Fuck This Shit,” that would be an actual picture of me after aging several decades from staying up all night to watch Prince Hot Ginge marry HER!
Meghan Markle’s wedding aisle escort, her dad Thomas Markle, is currently laid up in the hospital getting his heart operated on, so he can’t walk her down the aisle. (Although, with the way he’s been pulling in-and-out of that wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it to London early Saturday morning and Meghan ends up pushing him down the aisle in his hospital bed while wearing her wedding dress.) But the circus must go on. Kensington Palace announced today who will be in PHG and Meghan’s bridal party. Meghan is not making the same mistake Duchess Kate is, which is to put adult women in her bridal party because then one of their asses may upstage her (see: Pippa’s ass). Instead, their bridal party is full of human slobber bags who Prince Philip will definitely blame his mid-wedding farts on.
UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
Meghan Markle’s Father Isn’t Going To The Wedding Anymore Because He Doesn’t Want To Embarrass The Royals
THE QUEEN just summoned Prince George to her throne room and ordered one of her ladies-in-waiting to pop them some popcorn, because they’re going to sit back and get into this soap opera drama that doesn’t involve their own family for once.
Last week, the British tabloids published pics of Meghan Markle’s dad, Thomas Markle, running all sorts of pre-royal wedding errands in Rosarito, Mexico, where he lives. Thomas was papped looking at tourist books about Britain and reading up on his future son-in-law at an internet cafe. The pics couldn’t have been more staged if he was fake crying on a random chair in the middle of the sidewalk over the shitty reviews about his music video. It was obvious to anyone with a tiny dollop of sense that Thomas posed for the pics, but The Daily Mail just had to call him out (after publishing those pics themselves), and they posted surveillance footage from the internet cafe of him setting the shots up with a pap. And now Thomas Markle is telling TMZ that he’s not going to walk Meghan down the aisle because he’s not going to the wedding. And he says he just had a heart attack! Any second now, I’m sure Meghan’s estranged half-brother Thomas Markle Jr. will hit up the tabloids to see if they want to buy another open letter where he begs the royal family to charge her with attempted murder since she’s obviously the cause of all this messiness.