The nerve of that old drama queen! So many people have been waiting for a call from Prince Harry for decades now (step-mom Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall, his real dad James Hewitt, Michael K) and this bitch actually received that call and HUNG UP? (Can you guess which one of those aforementioned people sent Harry full-body boudoir shots of themselves with their phone number drunkenly scrawled across the ass?) Duchess Meghan Markle’s difficult dad Thomas Markle told The Daily Mail that he once hung up on Prince Harry during a phone call about his bullshit staged photo shoot prior to the royal wedding.
Duchess Meghan’s family is really trying their hardest to be the messiest members of the extended Royal Family, and they are succeeding. Next in the Neverending Journey of Embarrassing the Royals, we have Samantha Markle, Meghan’s half-sister, coming for Chrissy Teigen because sure, why not.
Drama Queen Thomas Markle has finally been Heismaned out of his daughter Duchess Meghan‘s life. No, Meghan hasn’t had the peasants of her newly adopted country install a deep moat of fire water and hungry crocodiles with 10 foot poisoned tip spikes embedded on their backs around the Palace, but her dad says that she and the Royal Family have completely ex-communicated him and there’s no way for him to get in touch with her.
In addition to celebrity connections, and scandalizing shoulders, Duchess Meghan brought one more item of interest with her when she married Prince Harry back in May. She brought drama-spewing family members willing to sell her ass out for fame and riches! The Markle ne’er-do wells looking to cash in on Meghan’s star-crossed romance are numerous, and currently leading the charge has been Meghan’s dad, Thomas Markle.
If you’re an Anglophile or a Royals stan (Britain not Kansas City), you watch The Crown and you’ve been witness to ALL the crazy drama, intrigues, decisions, scandal, and sacrifice that THE QUEEN (aka Queen Elizabeth II) has had to endure, withstand, and triumph over in her long career as HBIC: UK Edition. Plus, her husband seems like he can be a real dick sometimes. She puts up with a lot of shit! And we’re not even getting into what her kids, nieces, nephews, and grandkids got up to when they came of age. Hence, they have a big celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor her birthday. She’s 92 this year, and the parade in her honor is called Trooping the Colour. Basically, the British military puts on their butchest outfits, and marches/rides/flies jets by the palace to pay homage. The Queen responds by dutifully waving and counting the hours until she can get back to The Royal Recliner and continue to binge on The Great British Baking Show.
But this is probably the last year of the monarchy since Duchess Meghan wore an off-shoulder Carolina Herrera dress and her SCANDALOUS bare shoulders are going to destroy the crown!
While guzzling down my 90th can of Red Bull during the 18-hour-long royal wedding watch-a-thon, someone on the Today show talked about how it was rumored that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan were going to honeymoon in Namibia because Africa is a special place to them since they had one of their first dates there. But that rumor was wrong. Prince Harry must like Tim Hortons coffee with a side of Shania Twain because it sounds like he’s taking his bride to Canada. Eh???
TMZ says Harry and Meghan are going to the Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge in Alberta, Canada, for their royal-sanctioned vacation of boning. Some of you might be scratching your heads at why they’re hopping the pond just to be a few miles away from the Suits set when, if they’re going to all the trouble, why not just head south so they can play a game of ding dong ditch with Meghan’s asshole half-siblings.
While the New York Post is calling their honeymoon spot “the most boring place on Earth,” the initial reports says it does have some royal ties – and not just because it shares the same country as Queen Celine Dion. King George VI and the Queen Mother stayed there in 1939, THE QUEEN and Prince Philip checked it out in 2005, and Xenu royalty John Travolta has been there, so at least the royals know there is a working spa with late hours of operation.