Sorry, Duchess Kate, but you’re not the only Royal-by-relationship that has BIG HUGE NEWS this week. You got a considerable amount of attention with your third pregnancy announcement, but you’ll have to collect your things and vacate the spotlight. Royal girlfriend-turned-possible finacée Meghan Markle has a magazine cover! And not just any magazine, oh no. She’s not flashing her TV star smile on the front page of Aspiring Princess weekly. Nope, she’s the star of the October issue of Vanity Fair. Congratulations, Meghan! Continue reading
It’s a dark day here at Dlisted. Prince Harry might be engaged, and it’s not to a certain American blogger named Michael K. In the spirit of hope, I’ll be choosing to treat this news as just a silly long-running rumor. Ha ha ha, look at this? The Daily Star UK is saying that Prince Harry is engaged to his girlfriend Meghan Markle! Oh what a fun thought.
After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
I got a later start than usual today, and it wasn’t because I had to lure my shivering and scared liver out of the corner with milk thistle while promising it that I’ll never ever celebrate Cinco de Mayo again. I got a later start because I needed to explain to the police this morning that the “guinea pig on helium getting choked out” noise that my neighbors called 911 about was just me wailing over the pictures from The Sun of Prince Hot Ginge sucking on Meghan Markle’s face.
There was a story last month about how Pippa Middleton doesn’t want Meghan Markle upstaging her at her own wedding (like how Pippa’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate) so she’s thrown down a “no ring, no bring” policy to keep that spotlight stealer out. (Side note: “No [cock] ring, no bring” also sounds like a rule for a tantric sex orgy.) People says that Pippa’s wedding ceremony does have a “no ring, no bring” rule but that her wedding reception doesn’t, so the ex-blogger and ex-face of Reitmans is going to that as Prince Hot Ginge’s date. Meghan lucked out. The wedding ceremony is boring and Pippa’s will probably be extra boring. The reception is where it’s at. Free booze. Free cake. Free Jordan almonds. And at the end of the night, you can sneak off with your table’s centerpiece as everyone drunkenly dances to “Last Dance” on the dance floor.
Seen above doing the signature lifestyle blogger pose of sitting cross-legged on a cafe banquette while smiling at nothing in particular, Meghan Markle has closed up The Tig, the lifestyle blog she started in 2014. Don’t worry, readers of The Tig, there are approximately 500 billion other lifestyle sites that will tell you where to find the perfect gluten-free baked artisanal donut and will show you how to make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece for your wedding reception. (SPOILER ALERT: To make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece, throw some wildflowers in a mason jar, tie twine around that bitch and BOOM!)