When Meghan Markle isn’t viciously rubbing the fact that she has the keys to the royal ginger jewel box in our faces, she does acting stuff on the USA Network show Suits. But since no family member of THE QUEEN is allowed to tarnish the pristine family name by doing pleasantly shit like acting on a basic cable show, Meghan is bouncing out of Suits. Sorry, but the only acting that British royals are allowed to do is act like they’re in a happy marriage.
And I’ve made my official place on a suicide watch list somewhere.
Even though Prince Hot Ginge publicly defended his girlfriend Meghan Markle against racist gross shit, and she was on a 100% Kensington Palace-approved cover of Vanity Fair, and they’ve been photographed everywhere together, some crazy bitches in denial (Why is everyone looking at me?) thought that maybe just maybe, they wouldn’t get engaged and he’d realize that he has a duty to the people. He has a duty to remain single so that the delusional, hard-up whores out there (You’re doing it again, you’re looking at me) think that they have an actual chance with a straight British prince who doesn’t even know or care that they’ve alive. But it looks like the engagement ring necklace (aka a copper-colored cock ring I wear around my neck) that Prince Hot Ginge (aka a PHG cuddle pillow) gave me will soon mean nothing, because these two are totally getting engaged now that they’ve made their official hand-holding official debut at an official event! Let me say official just one more time…
Sorry, Duchess Kate, but you’re not the only Royal-by-relationship that has BIG HUGE NEWS this week. You got a considerable amount of attention with your third pregnancy announcement, but you’ll have to collect your things and vacate the spotlight. Royal girlfriend-turned-possible finacée Meghan Markle has a magazine cover! And not just any magazine, oh no. She’s not flashing her TV star smile on the front page of Aspiring Princess weekly. Nope, she’s the star of the October issue of Vanity Fair. Congratulations, Meghan! Continue reading
It’s a dark day here at Dlisted. Prince Harry might be engaged, and it’s not to a certain American blogger named Michael K. In the spirit of hope, I’ll be choosing to treat this news as just a silly long-running rumor. Ha ha ha, look at this? The Daily Star UK is saying that Prince Harry is engaged to his girlfriend Meghan Markle! Oh what a fun thought.
After what felt like years and years of hearing about this wedding, Pippa Middleton, better known as the owner of the ass that stole her sister’s royal wedding and Kunty Karl’s favorite beauty, finally got married to that billionaire financier dude James Matthews at St Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire today. Now bring on the grainy cell phone pictures of a drunken and topless Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa’s reality douche bro-in-law Spencer Matthews fist bumping on the dance floor at the reception.
I got a later start than usual today, and it wasn’t because I had to lure my shivering and scared liver out of the corner with milk thistle while promising it that I’ll never ever celebrate Cinco de Mayo again. I got a later start because I needed to explain to the police this morning that the “guinea pig on helium getting choked out” noise that my neighbors called 911 about was just me wailing over the pictures from The Sun of Prince Hot Ginge sucking on Meghan Markle’s face.