In addition to celebrity connections, and scandalizing shoulders, Duchess Meghan brought one more item of interest with her when she married Prince Harry back in May. She brought drama-spewing family members willing to sell her ass out for fame and riches! The Markle ne’er-do wells looking to cash in on Meghan’s star-crossed romance are numerous, and currently leading the charge has been Meghan’s dad, Thomas Markle.
If you’re an Anglophile or a Royals stan (Britain not Kansas City), you watch The Crown and you’ve been witness to ALL the crazy drama, intrigues, decisions, scandal, and sacrifice that THE QUEEN (aka Queen Elizabeth II) has had to endure, withstand, and triumph over in her long career as HBIC: UK Edition. Plus, her husband seems like he can be a real dick sometimes. She puts up with a lot of shit! And we’re not even getting into what her kids, nieces, nephews, and grandkids got up to when they came of age. Hence, they have a big celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor her birthday. She’s 92 this year, and the parade in her honor is called Trooping the Colour. Basically, the British military puts on their butchest outfits, and marches/rides/flies jets by the palace to pay homage. The Queen responds by dutifully waving and counting the hours until she can get back to The Royal Recliner and continue to binge on The Great British Baking Show.
But this is probably the last year of the monarchy since Duchess Meghan wore an off-shoulder Carolina Herrera dress and her SCANDALOUS bare shoulders are going to destroy the crown!
While guzzling down my 90th can of Red Bull during the 18-hour-long royal wedding watch-a-thon, someone on the Today show talked about how it was rumored that Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan were going to honeymoon in Namibia because Africa is a special place to them since they had one of their first dates there. But that rumor was wrong. Prince Harry must like Tim Hortons coffee with a side of Shania Twain because it sounds like he’s taking his bride to Canada. Eh???
TMZ says Harry and Meghan are going to the Fairmont Jasper Park Lodge in Alberta, Canada, for their royal-sanctioned vacation of boning. Some of you might be scratching your heads at why they’re hopping the pond just to be a few miles away from the Suits set when, if they’re going to all the trouble, why not just head south so they can play a game of ding dong ditch with Meghan’s asshole half-siblings.
While the New York Post is calling their honeymoon spot “the most boring place on Earth,” the initial reports says it does have some royal ties – and not just because it shares the same country as Queen Celine Dion. King George VI and the Queen Mother stayed there in 1939, THE QUEEN and Prince Philip checked it out in 2005, and Xenu royalty John Travolta has been there, so at least the royals know there is a working spa with late hours of operation.
The royal family used to talk to the press with about as much frequency as I go to the gym – aka neverrrr. Things have changed a lot, and the royals do more interviews to advance their causes, so the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla Parker-Bowles granted an interview at a recent charity visit…and also spoke up a tad on the wedding of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle. Continue reading
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.