A little over a week ago, we all reached into our pockets to see if our iPhones magically turned into a Motorola Razr and checked to see if we were wearing Juicy Couture sweats and “Chinese slippers” from Pearl River, because it seemed like everyone had time-traveled back to 2001 after Vanessa Trump opened a package full of suspicious white shit (it turned out to be corn starch). The reboot of the Anthrax scare of 2001 didn’t end there. The London Evening Standard says that Scotland Yard is investigating a letter and some Anthrax-looking powder that was sent to Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle at Kensington Palace. WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME? Yes, I may or may not have sent Meghan Markle a “fan letter” that partly read, “Step off the ginge, you home wrecking basic cable harlot hussy trollop tramp,” but it wasn’t racist. And apparently, the letter that was sent to Meghan would make the KKK proud.
Some Of Us Will Have To Get Up Before 4 In The Morning On A Saturday To Watch Prince Hot Ginge Get Married
And that commemorative spoon is the perfect thing to gag myself with while watching Prince Hot Ginge marry another!
Kensington Palace continued to slowly milk out every detail about PHG and Meghan Markle’s wedding today by announcing what time she’ll begin strutting down the aisle at St George’s Chapel to suck on her new husband’s face while throwing all of us a “Stay mad, ugly whores” look. Kensington Palace announced that the second biggest British royal wedding of the century (the first being Katie Price’s wedding with Peter Andre, duh) will start at noon London times on Saturday, May 19. That’s 4am my time. That means that the workers at my nearest Krispy Kreme should expect to find a drunken, bawling gay pounding at their door at around 5:15 and begging to be let in early so he can drown his sad insides with doughnut batter.
The British royal wedding of the century is still over two months away, but I guess the royals are not like my cousin who called me two hours before her courthouse wedding to say, “Bitch, I’m getting married at the courthouse in two hours, do you want to come or what?” Because they’re getting ready to send out invitations, and one of those invitations might not end up in The Original Fergie’s mailbox.
One British tabloid source says that The Original Fergie (seen above next to a dead turkey who crashed into a plate charger on her daughter Princess Bea’s head) was banned by Prince Hot Ginge from attending his wedding. Another British tabloid source says that PHG fought to invite his fellow ginger and won. What is the truth?!
There comes a time in every balding dude’s life when he’s got to make a choice on which way to go. Is he going to channel his inner evil billionaire by going the Mr. Burns route (fluffy on the sides and liver-spotted bald hotness on the top)? Is he going to embrace the dick head look by shaving off every hair that’s left on his head? Is he going to do a John Travolta and hunt down a Shih Tzu, skin the poor thing and then wear it on his head? When I start balding, I’m going to finally live out my Walter Mercado hair dreams and buy a blond Sonata wig from Raquel Welch. But Prince William has decided to flirt with shaving it all off.
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Since we don’t have our own giant pile of racist garbage to deal with (/sarcasm), we must turn our attention across the pond to find some trash that needs throwing out.
Meet Henry Bolton and his lady love Jo Marney. According to Newsweek, Henry is the leader of Britain’s “far-right” UK Independence Party (UKIP) and Jo is a “25” year old “Presenter. Music Journalist. Model. Actor. Brexiteer” who was also a member of UKIP until she got busted sending racists text messages about Meghan Markle.
See, this is what happens when an American commoner is allowed into the British royal family. She
single-handedly single-bunedly rocks the monarchy as we know it with her sloppy hair!
Meghan Markle and Prince Hot Ginge were back at work today in Brixton, where she continued to do her main job: keep the coat industry alive by wearing a coat everyone will buy. Meghan and PHG also visited Reprezent Radio, a station for youngins’ by youngins’. Surprisingly, the main talk isn’t about Meghan’s coat or even her slight British accent, it’s all about her MESSY BUN!