The royal family used to talk to the press with about as much frequency as I go to the gym – aka neverrrr. Things have changed a lot, and the royals do more interviews to advance their causes, so the Duchess of Cornwall aka Camilla Parker-Bowles granted an interview at a recent charity visit…and also spoke up a tad on the wedding of Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle. Continue reading
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Or maybe, their official royal title is: Duke and Duchess of SucksToBeYouWhores. I can’t remember which one THE QUEEN went with.
I’m currently standing outside of a Best Buy waiting for the Geek Squad to open, and that could mean only one thing: I need to get my TV fixed because I charged at it, knocking it off the wall after the Archbishop of Canterbury Tales asked if anyone objects to this union. Or at least I think he said that. It could’ve been a case of wishful thinking mixed with sleep deprivation on my part. But it is official: Duchess Meghan (née Rachel Meghan Markle) became my idol/forever object of my jealousy, because not only does she get to jump on Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery royal crotch scepter on the regular, but she now she gets to do it as his legally wedded spouse.
After what felt like centuries of fashion tricks and beyond trying to figure out who would design Meghan Markle’s wedding dress, we finally found out seconds after she stepped out of the car today. It wasn’t Stella McCartney. Or Ralph & Russo. Or Erdem. Or the ten million other designers whose name were thrown out. You might’ve looked at her dress and thought to yourself, “Looks like J. Crew had a bridal sale I didn’t hear about.” But it was actually designed by British designer Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018
And Meghan was smart not to wear a giant ass ball gown, because that way her estranged attention whore half-siblings couldn’t smuggle in. Well played, Meghan!
Today is the day, everyone. Are you about as excited as that dog who looks like they’d rather be tossing a cat’s salad on a fireworks barge as Michael Vick blows a whistle in their ear? That dog may or may not be the one Meghan left in Canada who is filled to the top of his head with the potent sads because he doesn’t get to spend his nights sniffing Prince Hot Ginge’s crotch and isn’t living that opulent royal life. Cruel.
It is two-thirty-in-the-fucking-morning on a Saturday, and usually at this time, I’d be drunkenly crying myself to sleep with Entenmann’s chocolate cake crumbs on my mouth after binge-batching Forensic Files. But on this Saturday morning, I’m soberly crying myself awake with Entenmann’s chocolate cake crumbs on my mouth while watching Meghan Markle marry Prince Hot Ginge, who I thought would always stay single just to give us delusional, miserable, lonely sadlings some hope. He’s so selfish. So selfish.
This is the royal wedding Open Post, where for the next 96 hours, which is about how long all the festivities will last, you can all talk about the dress, drag the guests and count how many eye rolls Prince George produces while I just sit here screaming, “WHY MEEEEEE?” in the corner. The drinking game is: every time a sparkle shines from Prince Hot Ginge’s eye while looking at Meghan, drink a shot of your own tears!
As for Meghan’s dress, “royal experts” think she’ll wear one of these designers:
- Ralph & Russo
- Stella McCartney
- Roland Mouret
Personally, I think she’ll wear a gorgeous red gown that was dyed with the blood of her Ginge-obsessing haters whose hearts broke over her taking him off the market. Damn you, Meghan!
Here’s a live feed of the wedding if you need one:
And here’s more scenes from outside Windsor Castle today and yesterday, including the most unenthusiastic royal wedding goer. That’ll be Prince Philip all through the ceremony: