There was a story last month about how Pippa Middleton doesn’t want Meghan Markle upstaging her at her own wedding (like how Pippa’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate) so she’s thrown down a “no ring, no bring” policy to keep that spotlight stealer out. (Side note: “No [cock] ring, no bring” also sounds like a rule for a tantric sex orgy.) People says that Pippa’s wedding ceremony does have a “no ring, no bring” rule but that her wedding reception doesn’t, so the ex-blogger and ex-face of Reitmans is going to that as Prince Hot Ginge’s date. Meghan lucked out. The wedding ceremony is boring and Pippa’s will probably be extra boring. The reception is where it’s at. Free booze. Free cake. Free Jordan almonds. And at the end of the night, you can sneak off with your table’s centerpiece as everyone drunkenly dances to “Last Dance” on the dance floor.
Seen above doing the signature lifestyle blogger pose of sitting cross-legged on a cafe banquette while smiling at nothing in particular, Meghan Markle has closed up The Tig, the lifestyle blog she started in 2014. Don’t worry, readers of The Tig, there are approximately 500 billion other lifestyle sites that will tell you where to find the perfect gluten-free baked artisanal donut and will show you how to make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece for your wedding reception. (SPOILER ALERT: To make the perfect wildflowers and mason jar centerpiece, throw some wildflowers in a mason jar, tie twine around that bitch and BOOM!)
Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.
If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…
For some reason that I’ll never understand, many felt that Pippa Middleton’s ass upstaged Duchess Kate and Prince William on their royal wedding day in 2011. I roll my eyes whenever I think about that, because how could anyone or anything upstage Prince Hot Ginge in Disney prince cosplay? Butt anyway, Pippa is getting married to her fiancé James Matthews in May, and The Daily Mail says that she doesn’t want PHG’s girlfriend Meghan Markle there. Because apparently, Pippa is afraid that Meghan Markle will be the Pippa’s Ass of her wedding.
But before we get into that, I’d like to give a special thanks to my 7th grade typing teacher, because she taught me how to type without looking at my keyboard and if I didn’t learn that, I wouldn’t have been able to type these words while keeping my eyes on Prince Hot Ginge’s bulge.
The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.