Cue up the Barry Manilow and pop a bottle of strawberry shortcake-flavored sparkling wine! Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris’ unfrosted sugar cookie love was clearly stronger than some pussy problems and massage parlor drama, because they celebrated their 1st anniversary on Sunday. I can’t believe it either; it feels like just yesterday Taylor’s vise-grip arms wrapped themselves around Rita Ora’s leftovers.
According to Us Weekly, those high-pitched tear-soaked screams you’re hearing just now are coming from the thousands of Gal-slings (lady Ryan Gosling fans) after they received the news that Eva Mendes was actually for-real pregnant with Ryan’s baby, and it wasn’t, in fact, just a cruel prank being played on them by that dark-sided man-stealing hussy. Multiple sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Eva gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. Nothing else about the baby is known, so for now we shall call it BABY GOOSE.
Eva tried to keep Baby Goose a secret for most of her pregnancy; she never really admitted that she was knocked-up (Ellen did that for her) and the last time she was seen in public was more than three months ago. But now she can’t really hide Baby Goose that well (unless she finds a way to MacGyver a Baby Bjorn under her clothes). Or maybe Ryan will take care of it; don’t ducks carry their babies by hiding them under their wings? Either way, I doubt we’re about to see a People cover of Eva Mendes posing with a wrinkly confused-looking 5-day-old Baby Goose with the headline “MEET MY AVIAN MIRACLE!” (You’re right – she’s probably holding out for 10-page spread in Wildfowl).
But the only thing I really care about is whether or not the doctors handed Ryan Baby Goose and he greeted her for the first time by saying “Hey girl.“
Velvet-voiced actress, ageless Broadway star, cancer survivor, and my #1 style icon in the mid-90s (but then again, who’s wasn’t she? FRAN FINE WAS PERFECTION) Fran Drescher announce on Twitter yesterday (via People) that she went and got surprised hitched this weekend to her piece of just over a year, Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai. Franny married Dr. Shiva (I can just picture Val Toriello squealing “He’s a doctah honey – A DOCTAH!“) at their home on the beach in front of a small group of family and friends and I hope she wore that exquisitely beaded-to-hell-and-back gold ball gown from The Beautician and the Beast, but she probably went with something a little more understated and tasteful (I mean, when you’re already the most glamorous person in the room, why rub it in?)
Fran was married for almost 20 years before to her current producing partner, The Nanny creator Peter Marc Jacobson, but they split up in 1999 when Peter came out. 15 years later, Fran met Dr. Shiva at a Deepak Chopra event. Oh, but he’s not just a doctor – Dr. Shiva owns the patent for creating email. Fran married the Steve Jobs of internet correspondence! And now you know the name of the person you can curse out the next time you receive an email with the subject line “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: the truth about obama PLEASE READ!!!”
Dr. Shiva says that during his talk at the Deepak Chopra event, Fran “heard my talk and we fell in love, and we’ve been together since that talk.” Imagine if it was the other way around? Fran steps up to the podium, taps on the mic, clears her throat, and says: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii everyyyyybawwwwwdyyyyy!“. It wouldn’t just be Dr. Shiva with hearts in his eyes; every man, woman, dog (the only creatures who can truly appreciate every note in her register), and Deepak Chopra himself would drop to their knees and propose. How could you not?? She has the voice of a goddamn angel!
If Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas ever decide to put the acting thing on hiatus and travel back to 2002 to start an experimental synthpop duo, all they’d have to do is Photoshop out the Disney logos behind them, up the contrast by 50%, slap a couple random lasers and lens flares around their faces, and this would be their album cover.
Go ahead an pop a celebratory bottle of enchanted champagne today because Once Upon a Time’s Ginnifer Goodwin (aka Snow White) finally evicted the tiny storybook creature that was living in her fairy tale womb. Us Weekly says that a rep for Ginnifer (one of the 7 dwarves) has confirmed that she and husband Josh Dallas (aka Prince Charming) are now the parents of a baby boy. Wait, so does that make Josh Dallas “King Charming” or the baby “Prince Charming Jr.”? These are the important questions.
No word on what the baby’s name is, but I hope Ginnifer continues the tradition of spellings that crash the autocorrect on your phone. Instead of Jackson, it could be Gyaxon. Or Giremy instead of Jeremy. I could do this all day, but I’m going to stop, because it feels like my brain found the part that causes dyslexia and started poking it with a sharp stick.
Last night in England at the stroke of midnight, the term “same-sex civil partnerships” was taken out back and given the Old Yeller treatment, and replaced by the word “marriage”, which means that everyone in the land of crumpets and corgis can legally choose to be a husband or a wife! And Elton John’s piece David Furnish has told Attitude (via the Mirror) that you can start dusting off your Flying Spaghetti Monster hat, because they’re planning to be one of the first couples to re-run down the aisle. Elton and David Furnish have been together longer than forever, and were able to make it legal in 2005, but only as “partners” (a word both of them turn their noses up at). So they’re both super-dupes excited that they can now officially become husband and husband:
“Elton and I will marry – as a high-profile couple, we feel it is our duty to do it, to make sure that everyone knows that this is something that many gay men living in this country never dreamed would happen. Elton and I both think there is a massive difference between calling someone your partner and calling them your husband. Partner is such an impersonal word and doesn’t adequately describe the love we have for each other.”
My deepest condolences go out to Prince William and Duchess Kate; I’m sure they thought their wedding would go down in history as one of the most important British weddings of the 21st century, but they can’t compete with the eleganza of Elton John. Elton and David did the low-profile courthouse thing to celebrate their partnership the first time around, but now that they’re officially allowed to call it a marriage, you can’t tell me Elton and David aren’t going to go balls-to-the-Versace-covered-walls. There will be doves. There will be a dozen white pianos. There will be a goddamned lion singing Can You Feel The Love Tonight at the reception. If there’s ever been a time for Elton to take this beautiful mess out of retirement, it’s now.