While many Hollywood actors are screaming chunks of their lungs out as they protest against Donald Trump, Matthew McConaughey has taken a tip from Nicole Kidman’s playbook titled: Err, Try To Keep It As Safe As You Can, Because You’ve Got A Movie To Sell, Bitch.
And of course in that picture of Camila Alves is a stoned Matthew McConaughey wondering if the tinsel on that foil gold Christmas tree in front of him is smokeable.
At last night’s NYC premiere of Gold (that mining scandal movie where the Texas T-Rex looks like he’s doing low-budget cosplay of Christian Bale in American Hustle), Camila Alves took the title of the movie all the way by covering her body with 5 pounds of tinsel and hundreds of yards of gold fabric. Camila is brave for wearing that ensemble out in NYC, because that top part looks like a golden shower, so I’m surprise that Donald Trump didn’t try to bathe under it.
If Trump’s penthouse apartment and Liberace’s dining room had sloppy, dirty, messy fuck times, the wet spot they left would look like what Camila is wearing. She looks like a new money whore house madam. It’s gaudy! It’s tacky! It’s ugly! I love it!
Beyonce And The Dixie Chicks Performed At The CMAs And I Don’t Think Everyone Lived To Tell The Tale
It was a night of exploding heads last night. Heads exploded during the never-ending final game of the World Series. Heads exploded while watching Diggle get topless on Arrow (and yes, a different kind of head exploded.) And heads exploded when the Dixie Chicks and Beyonce shared the stage at the Country Music Awards in Nashville. My thoughts are with the ears of the receptionists at ABC who are probably getting hit with a thousand tornados of blood-curdling anger screams from country fans who still hate those unpatriotic traitor trollops the Dixie Commies and who also hate that police-hating non-country ass Beyonce!
If you had told me when I was a child that I would one day see a squirrel water skiing, let alone watch a video of it on something called the internet, I would’ve called you a goddamn liar. The moral of the story here is that miracles happen. Or that truth is stranger than fiction. Like the fact that the Texas T-Rex, Matthew McConaughey, is teaching a class at a university. For the second time. Huh?
It’s no secret that Matthew loves his alma mater, the University of Texas at Austin. He’s always back there to watch the team, the Texas Longhorns, play [insert sport]. He loves them so much, he even gave a motivational speech to the team and the coaches to get them pumped before a big game in 2014 against the University of Kansas (whose team I’m assuming are the Kansas Ruby Reds). But now he’s back there teaching a film class for the second time, according to UsWeekly. He and director Gary Ross, of The Hunger Games, and university lecturer Scott Rice are teaching a follow-up class to one they did this past spring.
The class is centered around Matthew’s newest movie, Free State of Jones. The first class was about the making of it, and this second one takes students behind the scenes through videos and on-campus visits. Basically it’s like a really crap extras section on a DVD. And this class is basically just a commercial for the movie. But I guess if James Franco can “teach” at NYU, USC and, most recently, Palo Alto High, then Matthew McConaughey can by all means “teach” at UT Austin.
But before he puts his professor cap back on, the Texas T-Rex is busy shooting The Dark Tower. Based on these pictures, we can safely assume he’s playing a role that’s at least partly inspired by Weston Cage. Here he is shooting scenes today in New York:
I know you want to turn that picture into a seat cover for your office chair so you can sit on that tongue all day long.
Seen above looking like Prince William if Prince William was an early 80s IRS auditor instead of a multi-millionaire British royal, Matthew McConaughey was in NYC this past weekend shooting scenes for his new movie with Edgar Ramirez and Jessica Chastain’s understudy Bryce Dallas Howard. Gold isn’t only the color of the trophy (aka an Oscar) the Texas T-Rex is trying to get his claws around AGAIN, it’s also the name of the movie he’s shooting in NYC. Gold is about a dude who teams up with a hot dude (Edgar Ramirez) to search for gold in the jungles of Indonesia. That sounds very “Fool’s Gold,” and I hope that just like Fool’s Gold, there’s a scene where the two gold-digging partners fuck in a church. Yes, I’m so hard up that I’d find a way to fap to the sight of a fat suit-wearing Texas T-Rex riding on Edgar Ramirez.
Matthew McConaughey is pretty much copying the career moves of Christian Bale. Christian Bale starved himself down to the size of an Olsen’s clit for The Machinist and Matthew McConaughey did the same thing for Dallas Buyers Club. Christian Bale worked the bald look and added some chunk for American Hustle and Matthew McConaughey has shaved his glorious plugs-made hair and said “alright, alright, alright” to extra servings of pie for this Gold movie. I guess that means that Mathew McConaughey is going to play a superhero next. (That’s a studio’s cue to greenlight a Marijuanaman movie.)
And yes, yes I’d hit it. I’d ride it while playing his FUPA like a bongo.
Here’s more of Matthew McConaughey and Bryce Dallas Howard looking like they’re starring in a no-budget community theater production of American Hustle.
Once again, Anne Hathaway is causing my brain to hurt the special kind of hurt that comes from trying to figure out what the fuck she’s wearing. I should have seen this coming; fashion disasters always come in threes. First it was that next-level tragic DIY-looking star chain glove thing. Then it was that grandmother of the robo-bride dress. Now it’s…I’m not actually sure what this is. A busted two-faced tuna net fungus cover? Sure, that works!
Anne rolled up to the New York City premiere of Interstellar last night looking like she took a spray adhesive shower and rolled around in the LAST CHANCE box thrown into the dumpster behind a Jo-Ann fabrics, but MK tells me she’s actually wearing a very fancy dress by Rodarte. Regardless of whether her dress looks like it cost $1,200 or $12 (that one), here is every thought circling the toilet drain that is my brain while looking at Anne Hathaway’s dress:
1. Anne Hathaway looks like an exquisite corpse drawn by two fishermen, then it came to life The Fly-style
2. Anne Hathaway looks like two casual scarves from Chico’s got into a fight, then fell in love, then started fucking
3. Anne Hathaway looks like Fantine from Les Mis, if Les Mis took place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland run by a gang of fugitive throw pillows
And even though Anne looks like the definition of fug, I can still appreciate that she was brave enough to dress like a damn mess. I will always slow-clap for those who have the courage to say “Fuck it, I’m going to dress like I’ve been snorting bath salts and watching cable access TV all day!”
Here’s more of Jo-Anne Hathaway last night, as well as Jessica Chastain (who always looks like a come-to-life Midge doll) and the Texas T-Rex: