The Critics’ Choice Television Awards happened last night and they did what the Emmys almost never does: they gave awards to people who actually deserve an award. Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black tied with Allison Janney from Mom for Best Supporting Actress In A Comedy, Tatiana Maslany from Orphan Black won Best Actress In A Drama, Julia Louis-Dreyfus from Veep won Best Actress In A Comedy and Matthew McConaughey won Best Actor In A Drama for mumbling his way through True Detective. The Texas T-Rex is known for dribbling out speeches that require at least 40 bong hits to fully digest. To watch one of the Texas T-Rex’s acceptance speeches is to know what it’s like to smoke peyote with him while shirtless in a tepee. He didn’t disappoint last night.
The Texas T-Rex’s speech started out normal. He thanked who he needed to thank and blah blah blah. Then at around the 1:55 mark he says that people always ask him why he, a movie star, would do TV. Bitch won an Oscar and now he suddenly forgets he was in Unsolved Mysteries. The Texas T-Rex then babbled out a lecture about how TV is raising the bar and how TV gives you juicy character development and how TV gives you weekly episodes (THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!) and gives you that Monday morning watercooler talk. The Texas T-Rex smoked so much of the good shit in the men’s bathroom that he forgot he was at the Critics’ Choice TV Awards and thought he was at a TED Talk.
The Texas T-Rex’s lecture/pep talk reminds me of when I worked in the accounts department of some referral service. We were basically the bottom bitches of the company. We would put together paperwork for new accounts and check references. There wasn’t much to it. Every now and again, some supervisor from one of the other departments would smugly sashay into our little cubicle alley and give us a pep talk. They’d list off all of our duties like we didn’t know and tell us how invaluable we were to the company and how we were the glue that held the company together. Every single one of us sat there thinking to ourselves, “Either tell me you’re going to give me a bonus or shut the fuck up and get the hell out of here so I can go back to playing Minesweeper. ” (The year was 1999. Don’t judge my game choices.)
That’s kind of what The Texas T-Rex’s speech reminded me of. I wish the camera would’ve cut to more people in the audience, because I would’ve died, come back to life and died again to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus make a “Bitch, WE KNOW, now hurry it up, so I can go home and take off my Spanx” face.
Here’s pictures of some of the winners and for a full of list of all the hos who won, click here.
While Jimmy Fallon and the staff at The Tonight Show are mainlining Red Bull and pulling all-nighters to think up new ideas for wacky musical shit to do with guests (“I got it! We’ll have Jimmy and Kate Hudson twerk to Baby Got Back, followed by a Brian Williams rap to Eazy-E’s Gimme That Nutt“) Jimmy Kimmel is getting straight to what people want: celebrities getting read to the teeth by a bunch of randoms on Twitter.
When Jimmy Kimmel first started his Celebrities Read Mean Tweets series two years ago, most of the tweets were pretty tame, but this time around, shit got shady. Emma Stone learned that she looks like she smells like cat piss (clearly this person has never seen a picture of someone who actually looks like they smell like cat piss). Courteney Cox learned that she’s a “pussy hoe”. Jeremy Piven learned that there’s someone out there who hopes his dick falls off in public. Ashton Kutcher learned that he needs to get his by a bus as soon as possible (“I’ll get the bus!” – Charlie Sheen).
But the best is when The Texas T-Rex reads “Matthew McConaughey is a dick turd”, then with a confused look on his face asks what a dick turd is, pronouncing “turd” like he’s taking an extra-long hit off a very satisfying bong. Then again, he could be so high, he’s forgotten what a cellphone is. I mean, it’s possible – he is wearing a pinky ring, and that’s the kind of life choice you make after diving head-first into the good shit.
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”- you) and stay for John Waters.
Even The Mighty O is intrigued by this black-swan-casket-skirt-biker-shorts disaster.
The best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under shredded jean shorts with a Body Glove tank top and British Knights. The second best way to wear black Spandex biker shorts is to wear them under a dress that looks like an ornate gothic nightie that was scrunched up in the corner of an attic and was used as a bed by a bunch of crows. Adele Exarchopoulos knows what I’m talking about. Adele Exarchopoulos won Best Young Actor at the Critics’ Choice Awards in Santa Monica for her performance in Coochie Is The Warmest Color and she made every Academy voter fist themselves without lube for not nominating her for Best Actress. If she wore this to a third tier awards show, imagine what she would’ve worn to the OSCAHS! When dressing for the Critics’ Choice Awards, hos usually stroll to their dirty laundry basket, pick up whatever’s at the top and put it on. They do their makeup in the car. They don’t give three shits while dressing for that crap. So if Adele wore this, I’m guessing she would’ve worn a Hypercolor catsuit and Airwalk Jim heels to the Oscars.
Adele looks like she was cycling in a race when she crashed into a walking funeral procession for a fallen drag queen before landing into a bunch of black pigeons taking a nap together. It is the look. You can never go wrong with sequins and biker shorts.
Here’s more pictures from that shit last night including Jeremy Renner pinching his nipples for the photographers and Abigail Breslin looking like a 50-year-old brothel madam.
Here are my guesses:
1. She made a doody in her pants and it’s only a matter of time before BCoop finds out.
2. She saw Sandra Bullock’s fug colored dress. (For real though- Sandy B.’s dress really was hard to look at. I’m no fashion maven, but the orange and pink together is making me glad I don’t even bother trying.)
3. Danny Moder’s ex-wife jumped out of the crowd and became a living Surprise, Bitch meme.
4. She’s reliving the memory of walking in on George Clooney jacking it to a picture of Brad Pitt and Matt Damon.
Julia attended the Palm Springs International Film Festival Awards Gala with a shit ton of other celebrities. Also pictured are Matthew McConaughey with wife Camila Alves, Queen Meryl Streep, Jane Fonda, Tom Hanks, Lupita Nyong’o, Chiwetel Ejiofor, panty creamer Idris Elba, Bono and The Edge, Colin Farrell, Elizabeth Rohm (who I swore was Sharon Stone), Amy Adams, Gary Oldman, Jeremy Renner, Alfre Woodard and Ewan McGregor, who looks like he’d rather be anyfuckingwhere else.
There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.
Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.
Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).
If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Great Gatsby’s personality and Wall Street’s internal organs were shoved into American Psycho’s body, here’s your answer. Above is the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street which stars his muse Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Jonah Hill, The Texas T-Rex, Kyle Chandler, Joanna Lumley and the Victoria’s Secret model version of Emma Stone known as Margot Robbie. The Wolf of Wall Street is about some Wall Street type who… Oh, who gives a shit. The only thing that matters is that this trailer has midget tossing, a monkey in roller skates, a flying lobster, The Texas T-Rex playing the chest drums and THIS:
Leo is popping and locking for that Oscar. And if they really want an Oscar, they’ll submit this shit in the documentary category, because this is basically Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s life set in the 90s.
Reese Witherspoon (or Laura Jeanne Poon as I’ll forever know her as), seen above with her hungover husband Jim Toth at a screening for Mud in NYC last night, is really sorry that she was a drunk, uppity, holier-than-thou twat when her husband got busted for DUI and she got busted for disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend. As Sandra Bullock ripped the “America’s Sweetheart” sash from Reese’s body, Reese tried to put the bitch back in the bag by releasing this damage control statement to People:
“Out of respect for the ongoing legal situation, I cannot comment on everything that is being reported right now. But I do want to say, I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said.
It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. The words I used that night definitely do not reflect who I am. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.”
I wonder what “scary situation” Laura Jeanne Poon is talking about? Is she talking about how her evil possum-faced husband turned their rented Ford Focus into a death machine by drunkenly weaving across a double line? No, probably not. Or is she talking about how a question mark covered the police officer’s face when she asked him, “Do you know my name?” Yeah, that’s totally the scary situation Reese is talking about since nothing is scarier for a self-entitled celebrity than a peon not knowing who they are.
And now Reese knows that nothing good comes out of using the “Do you know who I am?!” line. Sometimes it’ll get you locked up and nothing will ruin your buzz like sitting under fluorescent lighting in a police station.
Here’s more of Reese at the screening for Mud which also brought out Matthew McConaughey, Camila Alves and Sarah Paulson. No, the Texas T-Rex does not have to apologize for wearing one of the Mad Hatter’s old suits, because that shit is the look.
The Independent Spirit Awards did what the Oscars failed to do: give respect to Matthew McConaughey’s rock hard ass cutlets. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, the Texas T-Rex won Best Supporting Actor for popping his bulge in a Speedo and throwing his charbroiled nalgas up in the air in Magic Mike. While accepting his award Matthew, who is still looking a lollipop-headed giraffe, let every actor know that if they want to win an Independent Spirit Award next year, they have to take all them panties off:
“I had to take my pants off to win a trophy, I had to drop trou to win an award. Fuck yeah!”
Sadly, the Independent Spirit Awards didn’t honor the OTHER great performance of the year: Nicole Kidman’s piss hole for letting out a Botox-infused pee stream on Zac Efron’s body in The Paperboy.
The reboot of Jerry Maguire called Silver Linings Playbook pretty much swept that shit last night and picked up a bunch of trophies. Here’s the list of winners:
Best Feature – Silver Linings Playbook
Best First Feature – Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
Best Supporting Male Performance - The Texas T-Rex, Magic Mike
Best Supporting Female Performance - Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Best International Film – Amour
Best Female Lead Performance – Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Male Lead Performance – John Hawkes, Battery Dying
Best Screenplay - David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Cinematography – Ben Richardson, Beasts of the Southern Wild
Best Director – David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Best Documentary – The Invisible War
And here’s a few pictures for you to put your eyes on. In order: Texas T-Rex with Camila Alves, Bradley Cooper (and yes, I stared at his baggy camel toe for at least an hour straight), Bryan Cranston, Laura Dern, Salma Hayek with her billionaire husband, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Lawrence, the new Jodie Foster, Aubrey Plaza, DanRad, new daddy Jeremy Renner (who let everyone know that the musky scent was coming from his crotch), Zoe Saldana, Andy Samberg with Joanna Newsom, the new Annie and Kerry Washington.
Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance’s Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance’s cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. Matthew said this:
“My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have.”
Matthew then said that he doesn’t take it personally:
“What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, ‘Hey man, I did it but don’t tell anybody.’ Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, ‘You want me to walk around holding this?’Where I am now is I’ve put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he’s carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, ‘The truth will set you free,’ but she forgot one part. It’s miserable in the beginning. And it’s going to be miserable, but he’s looking it in the eye, and he’ll handle it. He’ll deal. And he’s ready for how hard it’s going to be to deal.”
T-Rex, please. I know Matthew’s usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn’t Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By “it,” I mean the doping needle. I think.
Here’s more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.