God bless ya if you’ve been able to keep up with all the fucking Avengers running around here these days. Just looking at the poster for the upcoming Avengers: Endgame movie takes so much concentration. I keep thinking I’m supposed to eventually see a sailboat or some shit. It’s a mess, and it gives me a throbbing, Thanos’ dick-sized migraine. But the poster isn’t nearly as much of a mess as the red carpet for last night’s premiere of Avengers: Endgame: Too Many Spidermen. Not only was every Groot, Korg and Kraglin Obfonteri from the movies there, all the Marvel universe TV characters were there too. It must have been the least exclusive guest list to hit Hollywood since the premiere of Gotti. I mean, they even let Colin Jost in!
Early Reviews Of “Mary Poppins Returns” Are Looking Good. Can We Say The Same About The Fashions At The Premiere?
Last night was the world premiere of the much anticipated/hyped Mary Poppins Returns starring Emily Blunt as everybody’s favorite bitchy babysitter. The early reviews are in, and either nobody wants to be the Grinch who shat on Christmas, or it hit its mark. According to Cinema Blend, the majority of the reviews are overwhelmingly positive. One critic called it “practically perfect in every way“. And for the most part, the red carpet looks at the premiere were pretty good too, for the women and children. However, there was a problem in the menswear department.
The writers of Saturday Night Live must’ve been chilling out on a tropical beach somewhere sipping margis and jet skiing sans helmets ahead of scripting the premier episode of SNL, because during the past week’s political shit show in Washington, DC, the jokes practically wrote themselves. Most people tuning in last night were expecting a rip on the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, and last night’s Cold Open did just that, with Matt Damon stepping into the starring role of Brett “I Love Beer” Kavanaugh.
After taking a vow of silence from opining on the important hot topics of the day, Matt Damon is dipping his toes in the waters of controversy once again by giving his honest and unfiltered opinion on one of the most important issues facing not just Hollywood but all of mankind: Ben Affleck’s back tattoo. Matt appeared on The Daily Show and Trevor Noah asked him if he was planning on distancing himself from his longtime bro because of his embarrassing ink. Matt answered (via Page Six):
“Unfortunately, I can’t seem to shake him — I’ve known him since I was 10, so that’s 37 years,” Damon said, adding, “I mean, it’s not one man’s job to tell another man what he can do to his back. I support him in all of his artistic expression.”
Some might call it a shady answer but Matt can barely cast a shadow let alone throw shade. Ben’s never cheated on Matt (as far as we know) so he doesn’t have any reason to not play nice, unlike Jennifer Garner who played kitty coy by licking her paw and purring “bless his heart” which is the only thing Jennifer’s ever said that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Despite what he says about a man’s back being his own or whatever, as Ben’s BFF, Matt is partially responsible for that mess. Ben’s always sticking his honey bear nose in pots he has no business in but refuses to step up to his responsibilities as a Ben handler. Matt blatantly ignored Ben’s peas for help. We all heard them yet were powerless to intervene. Maybe instead of fantasizing about being Thor’s neighbor in Australia, Matt should have focused his energies on the crisis here at home.
As Billy Ocean so eloquently reminds us, when the going gets tough, the tough get on a plane headed to the farthest possible destination. Page Six claims that that’s just what Matt Damon might be doing in #thesetryingtimes; getting the hell out of Dodge and moving his family to Australia. Apparently, Matt’s just bought some property next door to Thor (earth name: Chris Hemsworth) in Byron Bay, New South Wales in order to get some distance between him and the super villain Trump The Terrible.
Apparently some people in Hollywood were listening when Frances McDormand ended her acceptance speech at the Oscars to urge for the adoption of inclusion riders (basically, to ensure gender and racial equity on movie sets). Michael B. Jordan’s production company said that they were going to start using inclusion riders on all their projects. And according to The Hollywood Reporter, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have decided to do the same for future projects made through their production company, Pearl Street Films. I’m feeling generous, so I choose not to believe that was a choice Matt and Ben made after their publicists slipped them both a copy of How to Be a Little Less Problematic.
The head of outreach at Pearl Street Films tweeted this:
.@michaelb4jordan Thank you for always supporting broader representation in the industry. On behalf of Pearl Street Films, Matt Damon, @BenAffleck, Jennifer Todd, Drew Vinton & I will be adopting the #InclusionRider for all of our projects moving forward. https://t.co/ODit24D2Rb
— Fanshen (@fanshen) March 13, 2018
THR says that neither Matt nor Ben have commented on their stance on the inclusion rider. But I would say it’s probably one of the better decisions Pearl Street Films has made. Although that’s not exactly saying much, since they did make Live by Night, and I believe anything compared against that flop is automatically considered a good choice.
I’m sure Matt and Ben will be very committed to making sure their inclusion rider is as diverse as possible when they sit down and write it all out. There will be roles for women and people of color. But they can’t forget men, specifically their criminally underrepresented sub-demographic: white men with Boston accents. Although Matt and Ben probably don’t have to specify that they will always include Oscar winners with unshakeable sexual misconduct allegations. It just goes without saying that there will always be roles for Casey Affleck.