The writers of Saturday Night Live must’ve been chilling out on a tropical beach somewhere sipping margis and jet skiing sans helmets ahead of scripting the premier episode of SNL, because during the past week’s political shit show in Washington, DC, the jokes practically wrote themselves. Most people tuning in last night were expecting a rip on the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, and last night’s Cold Open did just that, with Matt Damon stepping into the starring role of Brett “I Love Beer” Kavanaugh.
After taking a vow of silence from opining on the important hot topics of the day, Matt Damon is dipping his toes in the waters of controversy once again by giving his honest and unfiltered opinion on one of the most important issues facing not just Hollywood but all of mankind: Ben Affleck’s back tattoo. Matt appeared on The Daily Show and Trevor Noah asked him if he was planning on distancing himself from his longtime bro because of his embarrassing ink. Matt answered (via Page Six):
“Unfortunately, I can’t seem to shake him — I’ve known him since I was 10, so that’s 37 years,” Damon said, adding, “I mean, it’s not one man’s job to tell another man what he can do to his back. I support him in all of his artistic expression.”
Some might call it a shady answer but Matt can barely cast a shadow let alone throw shade. Ben’s never cheated on Matt (as far as we know) so he doesn’t have any reason to not play nice, unlike Jennifer Garner who played kitty coy by licking her paw and purring “bless his heart” which is the only thing Jennifer’s ever said that I thoroughly enjoyed.
Despite what he says about a man’s back being his own or whatever, as Ben’s BFF, Matt is partially responsible for that mess. Ben’s always sticking his honey bear nose in pots he has no business in but refuses to step up to his responsibilities as a Ben handler. Matt blatantly ignored Ben’s peas for help. We all heard them yet were powerless to intervene. Maybe instead of fantasizing about being Thor’s neighbor in Australia, Matt should have focused his energies on the crisis here at home.
As Billy Ocean so eloquently reminds us, when the going gets tough, the tough get on a plane headed to the farthest possible destination. Page Six claims that that’s just what Matt Damon might be doing in #thesetryingtimes; getting the hell out of Dodge and moving his family to Australia. Apparently, Matt’s just bought some property next door to Thor (earth name: Chris Hemsworth) in Byron Bay, New South Wales in order to get some distance between him and the super villain Trump The Terrible.
Apparently some people in Hollywood were listening when Frances McDormand ended her acceptance speech at the Oscars to urge for the adoption of inclusion riders (basically, to ensure gender and racial equity on movie sets). Michael B. Jordan’s production company said that they were going to start using inclusion riders on all their projects. And according to The Hollywood Reporter, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck have decided to do the same for future projects made through their production company, Pearl Street Films. I’m feeling generous, so I choose not to believe that was a choice Matt and Ben made after their publicists slipped them both a copy of How to Be a Little Less Problematic.
The head of outreach at Pearl Street Films tweeted this:
.@michaelb4jordan Thank you for always supporting broader representation in the industry. On behalf of Pearl Street Films, Matt Damon, @BenAffleck, Jennifer Todd, Drew Vinton & I will be adopting the #InclusionRider for all of our projects moving forward. https://t.co/ODit24D2Rb
— Fanshen (@fanshen) March 13, 2018
THR says that neither Matt nor Ben have commented on their stance on the inclusion rider. But I would say it’s probably one of the better decisions Pearl Street Films has made. Although that’s not exactly saying much, since they did make Live by Night, and I believe anything compared against that flop is automatically considered a good choice.
I’m sure Matt and Ben will be very committed to making sure their inclusion rider is as diverse as possible when they sit down and write it all out. There will be roles for women and people of color. But they can’t forget men, specifically their criminally underrepresented sub-demographic: white men with Boston accents. Although Matt and Ben probably don’t have to specify that they will always include Oscar winners with unshakeable sexual misconduct allegations. It just goes without saying that there will always be roles for Casey Affleck.
I’m not a true Bostonian, but I’ve lived here long enough to scoff if visiting family members ask to go get a beer at Cheers, and I’m not above cutting someone’s tires if they try and park in a space I spent four hours and three hot toddies shoveling out from the fruits of our weekly blizzard. In short, I may as well be a local (“FAHK YOU,” – anyone actually from here), which is why, on behalf of Boston, I say, “HALLELUJAH!” to news that Matt Damon has decided to keep his pie hole shut for a little while when it comes to hot button issues. Continue reading
Matt Damon’s promo tour for his latest film, Downsizing, has sort of snowballed into a disastrous hijacking of the #MeToo campaign. Matt has argued that there are “levels” to sexual harassment, and that men who haven’t sexually assaulted anyone deserve an enthusiastic pat on the back. Matt was supposed to attend the Downsizing premiere in Los Angeles on Monday night, but he didn’t go. I guess downsizing Matt Damon’s public appearances is one way to ensure more dumb thoughts about sexual harassment don’t come out of his mouth and into the microphone of a reporter.