(Side note: Becky #1 will forever have the better hair. Becky #2 wishes she had 80s mom hair.)
Three seconds after master troller Beyonce sang out a blind item in the form of the lyric “Becky with the good hair” from the future Emmy winner Lemonade, everyone and their hairstylist started spitting out guesses and a million memes were born. First, Rachel Roy (not Rachael Ray) seemed to out herself as BWTGH, and then Rita Ora decided to scratch at her attention spot by trying to get everyone to think she’s BWTGH. After they both got the attention they wanted, they denied being BWTGH. A source tells Page Six that Jay Z’s dick has been on more side tricks with good hair than Pantene has and the “BWTGH” in Beyonce’s song Sorry is a composite of all of them. But wait! Beyonce’s daddy (the same daddy who gets calls out in Lemonade and has dipped his untrue peen in plenty of BWTGHs, probably) is here to open up your mind and jerk some wisdom into it.
It doesn’t take a Suze Orman to guess that things might not be so great, money-wise, for Beyonce’s Daddy Mathew Knowles right now. First off, besides being “Beyonce’s Daddy”, I’m not sure what his current job is. Second, he has not one, but two secret baby mamas to take care of. Third, the last time he tried to make some money, it was trying and failing to sell a Destiny’s Child biopic. But it looks like he finally found a way to make a couple bucks. “Fill me in on your secret?” whispered Michelle Williams into the receiver of a payphone.
According to TMZ, Daddy Knowles is having a massive garage sale outside of his office in Houston, Texas, and the majority of the shit he’s selling (and it is shit) is old Beyonce/Destiny’s Child merchandise. Mathew is selling tour books, t-shirts, DVDs, CDs, House of Dereon clothing, and a giant poster of Beyonce for $200. Not to be left out, he’s also selling a Solange CD for $1.96. And I’m sure if you dig hard enough, you’ll find a box containing what’s left of Daddy Knowles’ dignity.
But if out-of-style jeans and musty-smelling Sasha Fierce t-shirts aren’t your thing, he’s also selling office furniture and office equipment. So for everyone who has ever wanted to own a desk chair that has been farted in by Beyonce’s dad or an old-ass fax machine that was maybe touched by Mama Tina, now is your chance!
Meanwhile, in a sold-platinum and emerald-encrusted penthouse in New York City, Beyonce is on the beautiful Beyonce words delivery system (aka the phone) asking her assistant to take a trip to Houston and buy up all the Beyonce concert t-shirts. “My sister Solange just got married and moved out of the basement, which means she needs a new pile of my old clothing to sleep on.”
Here’s more pictures from Daddy Knowles’
garbage garage sale, as well as the garage sale star herself going out for dinner with Jay Z last night:
And I’m sure he’s still pitching it to anyone with $10 and a camera, because Daddy Knowles is persistent. Also because he has a lot of time on his hands and could use the cash. But let’s go back to 2013, when he was still pitching it to people who mattered. So, more Sony hacked emails have been released, and according to The Daily Beast, there’s one from Screen Gems’ Clint Culpepper to Amy Pascal regarding a pitch by Mathew Knowles about a possible Destiny’s Child biopic. Back in December of 2013, Beyonce’s Dad contacted Sony executives with the idea, and it sounds like they were interested. DUH! Of course they were interested. You could make a 3-hour silent movie about Beyonce brushing her hair called Beyonce Brushes Her Hair and it would gross $9.6 billion.
Also included in the email leak was talk about another Spider-Man reboot, and a feature film starring Kanye West. That last one doesn’t sound like a terrible idea, because Kanye West is a great actor. Did you see him in the wedding episode of KUWTK? He stayed in character the whole time (his character being a man who isn’t totally ashamed to be marrying into that awful family).
Unfortunately, it sounds like Sony never really took it past the ‘interested’ stage, which means there’s a good chance Daddy Knowles packed up his Destiny’s Child biopic and pitched it elsewhere. But that’s not to say there won’t ever be a biopic titled Say My Name: The Story of BEYONCE!!!!!! and the Other Ones. The Daily Beast says that Destiny’s Child has been given the low-budget Lifetime treatment and it will air sometime in February 2015. No word on whether or not Daddy Knowles had anything to do with it.
But if Daddy Knowles is still pitching that Destiny’s Child, then he’s wasting his time. Doesn’t he realize that Beyonce has already made the greatest movie about Beyonce?