Bruce Willis doesn’t only look like a cranky dick, he acts like one too. Jamie Edwards from the London radio station Magic 105.4 FM (via Lainey) found this out the other day when he interviewed Bruce Willis and Mary-Louise Parker during a press junket for Red 2. From the moment the interview started to the moment the interview ended, Bruce acted like Jamie Edwards bareback boned his wife while sucking off his daughter’s chin and punching his favorite puppy in the throat. It was one hundred percent awkward from beginning to end.
On one side, there’s a perky Jamie Edwards, trying to block Bruce Willis’ cunt glares with a smile. On the other side, there’s Mary-Louise Parker and Bruce Willis awkwardly sitting there like they’re stoned, confused and just a little bit constipated. If you hit the mute button, it looks like Mary-Louise and Bruce are sitting in a torture room and are being forced to watch a Justin Bieber video. Mary-Louise is trying to wish herself into a cornfield and Bruce Willis is on the verge of drop kicking a trick in the face. Bruce Willis looks like he would rather be licking the sex spot that Ashton made with his side ho on Demi Moore’s couch.
But seriously, I’m being way too hard on Bruce Willis. Being Bruce Willis is hard! Bruce Willis had to travel First Class on a long plane ride to London and then he had to check into a suite in a 5-star luxury hotel. Bruce Willis had to stand in his suite as his groomers polished his head, polished his nuts and dressed him. Then had to walk through his hotel lobby, get into a chauffeured car and play Candy Crush on his iPhone as he was driven to another hotel to sit in a chair in an air conditioned room and spend hours answering easy questions about a movie he was paid millions for. Jamie Edwards is a heartless motherfucker for not soothing Bruce’s pain by massaging his chapped asshole while holding a chilled cup full of POOR YOU under his mouth. Everybody needs to think of Bruce Willis!
And I love Mary-Louise Parker’s face during all of this. She’s giving the same looks I gave after I made the bad decision of eating a pot brownie before getting on the subway.
Here’s Bruce suffering through a photocall today in Munich, Germany.
Dame Helen Mirren floated into the premiere of Red 2 at the Village Theater in L.A. last night and everyone asked themselves, “Why does it look like Dame Helen Mirren is gliding on a sky cloud of angel farts?” (Side note: I know, that’s a dumb question for them to ask themselves since clouds ARE angel farts.) Their question was answered when Helen Mirren pulled up her homely green sack of a dress and showed off her exquisite lucite heel. It’s a good thing that the angels are always hovered around Shauna Sand, because they caught her when she fell back. LUCITE SHOTS FIRED!
This isn’t the first time that Helen Mirren has let the Empress of Lucite know that her throne is in danger. Helen used to wear exquisite lucite heels all the time and she told Jay Leno a couple of years ago that they were her secret weapon of elegance.
“I used to buy [stripper shoes] on Hollywood Blvd. $39, they cost me. I always used to wear them to red carpet events when I was nominated for things, because they give you an immediate seven inches. You’re on the red carpet and there’s Nicole Kidman, who’s like up here, Christine Lahti’s up here and you’re this little midget running around in between them. So I had to have my secret weapon and now everyone’s got them.”
Yeah, whatever. Helen Mirren can pretend she’s a lucite heel vanguard, but can she wear them while walking on sand? That’s the true test of a lucite empress. (Cut to Helen Mirren walking across the Pacific Ocean in lucite heels) DAMN HER!
After Prince William and Duchess Kate blinded a bunch of celebrities with their bright white Stonehenge teefs at that BAFTA event in L.A. last weekend, I wondered why there were only pictures of them shaking hands with JLo, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand and Tom Hanks. There were no pictures of Prince Willy bowing down to the Hollywood beacon of A-list celebrity we call Blake Lively, or any portraits of Kate knighting Chris Evans for his contribution to cinema in Cellular. None of that shit. And Mary-Louise Parker tells us why.
People asked Nancy Botwin if she got to gaze at herself in the skin mirror on Prince William’s head or shake the hand that has twisted Prince Hot Ginge’s nipple in the rugby locker room, and she gave this priceless answer:
“I didn’t meet them. I was shoved out of the way by Jennifer Lopez. Uh oh, I shouldn’t have said that.”
No, Mary-Louise, you should’ve said that AND more. I can just picture that nasty puta JLo blowing out verbal farts about how her assistants call her the American Princess Di while her three-headed rabid dog ass barked, snapped and hissed at any ho who tried to keep her from boning the spotlight. JLo’s guard dog butt was slobbering all over the place, so Mary-Louise decided it was safer just to park Nicole Kidman facing Prince William, crotch down and then have a pretend conversation with his reflection in Nicole’s forehead. But seriously, Mary-Louise should’ve pulled out a flute and lulled JLo’s Cerberus ass to sleep with music.
Before we get to that, let’s officially hand over a Photoshop Award to the artiste who overused the “Fun House Stretch Mirror” tool on Mary-Louise Parker for that picture above. I know Mary-Louise plays a pot dealer on TV, but that doesn’t mean they should make her look like she’s the size of a malnourished joint! It looks like you could hug her waist with a roach clip! This is some for real fuckery sponsored by Gumby. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way….
Even though Mary-Louise Parker is on a show where the official plant of Snoop Dogg’s life is one of the main stars, she’s usually the designated sober one at the party who rolls her eyes at all the stoners comparing the meaning of life to a Cool Ranch Dorito.
In an interview with Vanity Fair’s Eric Spitznagel, MLP said that she’s never felt a green cloud of magic leap around in her body, but she has licked on a lollipot before (tastes like Willie Nelson’s pre-cum).
Wait, you don’t smoke marijuana, or you’ve never smoked it?
I’ve never smoked it.
Wow. That’s like finding out Tommy Chong never touched the stuff. I feel so betrayed.
I guess if it was going to happen, it would’ve happened when I was younger. But that was never an effective or interesting form of rebellion for me. Because everybody did it. Marijuana was just a social thing. It wasn’t dangerous or frowned upon. If I’d been popular in high school, I’m sure I would have wanted to do it. But I wasn’t.
So you didn’t smoke pot because nobody was offering it to you?
Oh no, it was definitely offered to me. All the time. I was hanging around a lot of musicians, so I definitely had access to drugs. It just never appealed to me. Everybody was doing it, and I didn’t want to be part of the crowd. There was no part of me that wanted to fit in.
You should do a P.S.A. You’ve almost convinced me that pot is boring.
Yeah, probably. But I’m not saying pot is a bad thing. I know plenty of people who should be smoking pot. I’m just not one of those people. I don’t think it would be the best drug for me. What am I going to do, start doing drugs at my age? It’s a little late. I’m a mother of two. It’s probably not the best idea for me to start getting into it now.
Well, I know a few mothers who still partake.
Yeah, I do too. They just wait until their kids are asleep. I don’t know, I guess marijuana just wasn’t made for me. It’s not like I haven’t tried.
Wait, back up. I thought you never smoked?
I didn’t smoke, it was a lollipop.
There is so much about that sentence I don’t understand.
O.K., here’s what happened. I was at a party, and I’d been kind of sick recently. I was in the hospital and on some really heavy antibiotics. But I went to this party anyway, and I was in the bathroom the whole night, on the floor. I was just so ill. Somebody at the party was like, “The only thing that’s going to help your nausea is marijuana.” And I’m like, “I don’t have any!” But then I remembered, somebody had given me a pot lollipop.
A lollipop made with THC?
Yeah. We did something about pot lollipops on Weeds. But those were props, obviously. Then somebody gave me some real ones. People give me pot all the time. I put them up in my closet, on the very, very top shelf, where I keep all my shoes, just so my kids wouldn’t find them. I don’t need that.
Why did you keep them at all?
I guess I thought … I don’t know. Maybe I’d have guests over to the house and they’d want to … ? I have no clue what I thought I was going to do with them.
You weren’t a little bit curious?
A little, yeah. My entire life, I never wanted anything to do with marijuana, but then it became a thing. You know what I mean? “I don’t smoke pot.” That was my thing. So when I was sick, I was like, “What the hell?” I was actually kind of excited about it. I was like, “Oh my god, I’m 45 and I’m having my first pot experience!” But it did nothing.
You didn’t feel high?
I didn’t feel anything! I mean, I still felt ill, but I didn’t get any of the happy effects you’re supposed to have. I don’t know, maybe the lollipops went bad? Does pot have an expiration date?
Are you sure you were doing it right? I wouldn’t even know what to do with a pot lollipop. Do you lick it or light it?
I licked it. But somebody told me that you need to eat it. Somebody quite famous who grows his own (Ed note: BLIND ITEM ALERT!), he told me I should be eating it. But at this point, I feel like “Why bother?” I gave it a shot, it didn’t work. I’m over it.
MLP also dropped an interesting fact. She said that people are always gifting her bountiful amounts of the good shit in all forms! Pot bouquets! Pot brownies! Pot lube! Pot everything! Since she doesn’t touch the stuff, she just gives it to friends. And that wave of clicks you just heard was a million stoners sending a FB friend request to MLP. Bitch is like the Santy Claus of stoners!