Variety reports that my dreams have come true, because Snoop Dogg and his fancy lady friend Martha Stewart are doing a show together. VH1, a network that already won my heart ten times over with excellent reality TV programming such as Rock of Love and I Love Money, has ordered an unscripted series starring Martha and Snoop tentatively titled Martha & Snoop’s Dinner Party. The show will feature Martha and Snoop hosting dinner parties every week for a bunch of famous guests. Somewhere Khloe Kardashian is like “Hey guys, if you need any advice or tips on how to do that, feel free to gimme a call! I can talk any time! Schedule is totally open!”
If you were born between 1980 and 2000 and don’t live in your own apartment and don’t regularly make your own marinara sauce using tomatoes from the tomato plant on your terrace, then Martha Stewart looks down upon you as a lazy piece of useless trash!
Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.
For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.
I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.
Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.
Tennis-playing Spanish hot piece Rafael Nadal is the new crotch and ass of Tommy Hilfiger chonies and yesterday, he went to work promoting it by stripping off his shirt at an event in NYC. Yes, taking your top off is the best way to promote absolutely anything, but Rafael is trying to sell panties! Dude should’ve ripped those pants off and served it up. Oh well, at least we got plenty of shots of his crotch croquetas and nalgas in the commercial:
Even though Rafael kept his underwear on, there were a couple of dude models at the event who gave the people what they wanted by getting half-naked. My thoughts and feelings about that are best expressed through this picture of Martha Stewart who was also there because she knows a good thing.
I’m sure she’s just standing there, but I’m going to choose to believe she’s thinking to herself, “Man nipples, bulge and ass, oh my. Must brace myself.”
I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again
his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.