Open Post: Hosted By Martha Stewart Not Letting Someone Chastise Her For Being Too Old To Ride A Bike
Martha Stewart may be a hardened felon, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still enjoy the simple things in life, like baking weed cookies with Snoop Dogg or noodling around The Cape on her e-bike. She’s posted evidence of both on her personal Instagram page, yet because not even Martha Stewart herself can have nice things, some hater had to let her know she’s too damn old to be riding a bike.
Donald Trump is on a pardoning spree! Sure, he’s not pardoning the people that we thought might get a pardon. His list is more like who he’d like to invite to a Friday night slumber party.
In late April he pardoned former Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio. Last week he pardoned boxing champion Jack Johnson. Yesterday he issued a full pardon to Dinesh D’Souza, who pled guilty to the felony crime of illegal campaign contributions in 2014. Trump is considering issuing a pardon to former Governor and Celebrity Apprentice contestant Rod Blagojevich. And now he’s apparently thinking of pardoning Martha Stewart.
Oprah’s BFF Gayle King sat down with Ellen DeGeneres to promote a slew of shit like hosting six hours of royal wedding coverage this weekend, but somehow she managed to drop in there that Mama O likes that good kush. Snitches get stitches, Gayle! Continue reading
The 2018 TIME 100 Gala was held last night in New York City to celebrate Time magazine’s annual list of the 100 most influential people. And whether the people were influential or not, the red carpet fashion pulled from a variety of sources. Like Leslie Jones in Christian Siriano, who is giving you Grace Jones after stopping at Studio 54 while thinking,”I wonder what the rent is on this place? Do they pay monthly or yearly? You know what, hand me my coke spoon and purse, I’m leaving to pursue a career in commercial real estate.”
When you’re a question mark’s favorite pop singer and people regularly mistake you for the wall, you have to pull some shit to make people pay attention to you. Like dress yourself up as a Miss Kitty from the future who just got jumped by a gang of silkie chickens.
Clive Davis threw his annual pre-Grammy party in NYC last night, and many of the guests decided to save their better dresses for tonight’s Grammys (although, they should really just wear pajamas with an attached pillow and duvet cover, because that shit is going to be three and a half fucking hours long). Because most of them wore boring dresses bought off the rack at Macy’s (Taryn Manning’s impact!), but not Rita Ora.
Rita Ora threw feathers, fringe, bows, rhinestone and whatever else that was on sale at Michael’s onto her body. Rita looks like she just came from auditioning for the Thandie Newton role in a no-budget unauthorized Public Access reboot of Westworld that takes place way off in the future and will eventually get shut down after HBO sues. Rita is also dressed like a look-for-less Kartrashian, which is saying a lot since the Kartrashians dress like look-for-less Kartrashians.
And here’s a million more pictures from Clive Davis’ party, including Kathie Lee Gifford (who I hope wins, via write-in vote, the Best Song Grammy tonight for He Saw Jesus) and Martha Stewart, whose dogs are probably nervous that she’s going to skin and wear their asses next.
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.