When you’re a question mark’s favorite pop singer and people regularly mistake you for the wall, you have to pull some shit to make people pay attention to you. Like dress yourself up as a Miss Kitty from the future who just got jumped by a gang of silkie chickens.
Clive Davis threw his annual pre-Grammy party in NYC last night, and many of the guests decided to save their better dresses for tonight’s Grammys (although, they should really just wear pajamas with an attached pillow and duvet cover, because that shit is going to be three and a half fucking hours long). Because most of them wore boring dresses bought off the rack at Macy’s (Taryn Manning’s impact!), but not Rita Ora.
Rita Ora threw feathers, fringe, bows, rhinestone and whatever else that was on sale at Michael’s onto her body. Rita looks like she just came from auditioning for the Thandie Newton role in a no-budget unauthorized Public Access reboot of Westworld that takes place way off in the future and will eventually get shut down after HBO sues. Rita is also dressed like a look-for-less Kartrashian, which is saying a lot since the Kartrashians dress like look-for-less Kartrashians.
And here’s a million more pictures from Clive Davis’ party, including Kathie Lee Gifford (who I hope wins, via write-in vote, the Best Song Grammy tonight for He Saw Jesus) and Martha Stewart, whose dogs are probably nervous that she’s going to skin and wear their asses next.
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
When Martha Stewart heads into the kitchen, there’s nothing she likes more than dragging Gwyneth Paltrow like a home-raised chicken breast through flour for a chicken piccata dinner for 20. So when she went on Watch What Happens Live last night, she snatched Andy Cohen’s shit-stirring crown and wore it while she fielded calls about Gwyn.
And they said it wouldn’t last! The love affair between Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart is showing no sign of stopping. The unlikely duo first met when felon and lifestyle maven Martha Stewart had rapper and weed connoisseur Snoop Dogg on her show to make mashed potatoes back in 2008 (thanks, Obama!). From that moment on, the two realized they had a mutually beneficial relationship playing off each others personas. After Snoop’s first appearance on Martha’s show, she took to her blog to break down his now signature wordplay for her audience in the waspiest way possible. (Via Revelest):
“He and his posse add ‘izzles’ onto the ends of words. It’s kind of a code, or a way of communicating so that others won’t know what they’re talking about. Example: fo shizzle is how they say, for sure.”
Snoop and Martha’s mutual admiration society held strong after that, and in addition to having Martha as his Spades Partna 4 Lyfe (presumed), they have a cooking show on VH1 called Martha and Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party (confirmed). They’ve just released a promo for season two, which is an homage to the sexy pottery wheel scene in Ghost, and things get messy. A chocolate cake. A reach around. Finger sucking. Whatever the sexual/sociologically acceptable term is for poo play. It’s all there. And I’ve got to be honest, it’s made me curious. I might actually have to tune in now. Thanks Snoop and Martha!
Variety reports that my dreams have come true, because Snoop Dogg and his fancy lady friend Martha Stewart are doing a show together. VH1, a network that already won my heart ten times over with excellent reality TV programming such as Rock of Love and I Love Money, has ordered an unscripted series starring Martha and Snoop tentatively titled Martha & Snoop’s Dinner Party. The show will feature Martha and Snoop hosting dinner parties every week for a bunch of famous guests. Somewhere Khloe Kardashian is like “Hey guys, if you need any advice or tips on how to do that, feel free to gimme a call! I can talk any time! Schedule is totally open!”
If you were born between 1980 and 2000 and don’t live in your own apartment and don’t regularly make your own marinara sauce using tomatoes from the tomato plant on your terrace, then Martha Stewart looks down upon you as a lazy piece of useless trash!