Category: Marky Mark

Marky Mark Wants You Rich Famous People To Stop Talking About Politics

December 5, 2016 / Posted by:

Seen above working a sad recreation of Leif Garrett’s glorious ’70s mop, Marky Mark mouth farted about how a lot of rich celebrities are living in a gold bubble of privilege and have no idea how us regulars live. So because of that, they need to hit the “callarte la boca” switch when it comes to talking about politics. Marky, who is a rich celebrity, then went on to dribble out some political shit. But Marky can do that, because according to him, he still lives in the real world! Marky saying that he lives in the real world once again confirms that he’s still a citizen of FuckingDelusionalVille.

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Marky Mark Wants To Be A Cop

December 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Jenny McCarthy’s brother-in-law (that has to be the meanest thing I’ve ever called someone) wants the Governor of Massachusetts to pardon his arrogant piece of shit ass for the time in 1988 when he hit a man in the head with a 2X4 and blinded another man with his fist while spitting out racial slurs. Marky Mark said in his application that he wants the pardon so he can get a concessionaire’s license in CA for Wahlburgers and he wants his record cleaned so he can show the at-risk-youth he works with that they can turn their life around. But TMZ says that the real reason Mark Mark wants a pardon is because he wants to be a reservist with the LAPD. Someone asked me the other day if I ever planned to move back to NYC and I said I’d think about it if my mom agreed to move and if they FINALLY got an In-N-Out. Well, if Marky Mark gets a police badge from the LAPD, I’ll bribe my mom into moving with promises of meeting Dr. Oz and I’ll chain an In-N-Out to my car before hitting the gas hard and never looking back.

A source tells TMZ that Marky wants to join the LAPD as a reservist, but the felony on his record is keeping him from being able to handle a gun legally. Boston.com reports that in Marky’s application, he says that he’s become close with members of the LAPD, but he can’t get positions in law enforcement because of his convictions. The LAPD’s website says that a reservist gets the same training as a police officer and works alongside them. A reservist is a volunteer position so they don’t get paid.

In my first post about this mess, I wondered if Marky Mark ever apologized to Hoa Trinh and Thanh Lam, the two men he viciously beat when he was 16. The entitled shit stain said in an interview in 2006 that he never asked for forgiveness, because after a while the “guilt” went away and he’s able to sleep at night on the grounds of his understated little bungalow. Yes, he’s really changed into an upstanding, gold hearted citizen who cares about others.

The world never needs Officer Marky Mark in it, but right now it really doesn’t need Officer Marky Mark. Shit is bad enough. But on one hand, if Mark Mark became a reservist, he’d have less time to spend on making  crap movies that terrorize humanity. On the other hand, the thought of Officer Marky Mark patrolling the streets with a baton in one hand and a gun in the other makes me want to invest in a bulletproof armored helmet.

Mahky Mahk Is Skipping Donnie Walhberg’s Wedding Because He Doesn’t Like The Bride

August 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Former New Kids On The Block hotel room arsonist and current guy who sells hamburgers on a reality show Donnie Wahlberg is getting married to the human equivalent to getting your period during a cross-country road trip Jenny McCarthy today in New York, an event which will surely bring out the who’s who of top-tier celebrities. However, TMZ says that one A-list brother will NOT be attending the wedding: MAHKY MAHK. Donnie, say hi to your mother for Mark; he won’t be there to do it himself. Continue reading

Mahky Mahk Almost Went Full Southie At The MTV Movie Awards

April 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night at the the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards’s glue-huffing half-brother, the MTV Movie AwardsMahky Mahk was given the MTV Generation Award to honor his contribution to cinema (even though it should have been in honor of role Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch’s video for “Good Vibrations” played in assisting a generation of kids confirm their sexuality, because that will truly be his legacy, not “Ted 4” or whatever the fuck is currently in production for Mahky Mahk).

After being presented the award by The Turtle One, Chase Hammond from Drive Me Crazy, and the bastard child of Matt Dillon and Kevin Bacon (I’m sorry, I don’t know a thing about Entourage), Mahky Mahk proved why he always looks like he’s 1 beer and a Red Sox loss away from handing his wife his shirt because he ‘don’t wanna get none of this asshole’s blood on it when he teaches him a fackin’ lesson’  as he proceeded to use every fuck-word at his disposal. He funky bunched a fuck on past winners of the Generations Award and the award itself, then on his wife, the cast of “Entourage: The Movie”, then the audience. Mahky Mahk finally wrapped up his Southie sonata in F-minor by giving a shout-out to Manny Pacquiao and the Christian holy day of Palm Sunday, but didn’t bestow upon them a fuck, probably because he knew Manny’s mother would put a curse on his ass if he dared sully the good name of her son and Hay-zoos.

Pics: Wenn

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Marky Mark Will Remove You From His Christmas Card List If You’re An Actor Who Compares Himself To A Soldier

November 13, 2013 / Posted by:

What is it about Mark Wahlberg that makes him react to everything like an angry Red Sox fan who’s deep into his 6th beer? He could be dressed in an Armani tuxedo walking the red carpet at the Academy Awards, someone could walk by and accidentally bump him, and in 0.2 seconds he’d have his tie off and given his hotdog to his girlfriend to hold before yelling ‘Yah betta call yah motha and tell her to pick out a casket for yah funeral, buddy, cause yah dead! Yah so fackin dead.’

According to TMZ, Mahky Mahk took an indirect shot at Scientology’s Homecoming Queen, Tom Cruise (did I even need to write his name?) when he spoke candidly about how he feels when actors compare themselves to soldiers (I’ll give $1000 to whichever one of you is able to read this in a regular dialect and not a thick Southie accent):

Wahlberg was speaking at the AFI Festival in L.A., when he was asked about the story TMZ broke about Tom Cruise saying in a deposition that his job was like fighting in Afghanistan. Wahlberg unloaded, saying “For somebody to sit there and say ‘my job was as difficult as being in the military.’ How f**king dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for 2 hours.”

Wahlberg didn’t stop there. He said, “I don’t give a shit if you get your ass busted. You get to go home at the end of the day. You get to go to your hotel room. You get to order your f**king chicken.”

Order your fucking chicken? I’m sure Marky Mark is using the word fuck as an adjective, but it’s more fun to pretend he’s referring to a chicken that one fucks. You hear that Tommy Boy? Go back to your hotel room and stick your dick in a chicken.

I get what Poppa Funky Bunch is saying. When you’re an adult man who’s job is basically to play pretend for millions of dollars, it’s pretty bold to compare what you do to a bunch of dudes who are sweating their balls off in a tent in the desert. But this is Tom Cruise we’re talking about! He’s practically a whole chapter in your therapists reference guide to self-absorbed delusion. You can’t take what he says seriously. Hmmm, sounds like someone else we know. I’m not going to name names, but wasn’t there was an actor who’s said he could have prevented 9/11 by getting all Sergeant First Class Troy Barlow on a terrorist? Exactly.

(Pic via Wenn)

QOTD: Marky Mark’s Words Of Advice For Justin Bieber

August 6, 2013 / Posted by:

Britain’s Grain of Salt Daily (aka The Sun, which you now have to pay to read online IN THIS ECONOMY) asked would-be 9/11 hero Marky Mark to piss out a little advice to Justin Bieber from one third degree douche burn to another. Marky, who along with Vanilla Ice are the blueprints of Justin Bieber’s life and spent the early part of his career with his pants on the ground, gave this advice to the Biebs (via Digital Spy):

“Justin, are you listening? Don’t be so naughty, yeah? Be a nice boy, pull your trousers up, make your mom proud and stop smoking weed, you little b**tard. He’s a teenager living in a different day and age. I was in prison before I got a record out and I don’t think he’s been to prison.

He’s a nice enough kid and you’re going to be a teenager, but if you’re being a teen in the spotlight you’re going to be criticized for it. This career can be short-lived – you might as well be the best you can while you’re doing it.”

I read that as “buttard” and I refuse to correct myself.

Justin Bieber is as pleasant as a tongue full of cold sores and he should probably be tranquilized and stored in a cage somewhere until he’s done with puberty, but at least there’s not a Vietnamese man in the Boston area who can’t see shit thanks to him. So maybe the Biebs isn’t doing that bad considering. Ugh. And I hate hate HATE that buttard Marky Mark for making me defend that little shit. I need a Hazmat shower now.

Here’s Marky Mark in London today.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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