Category: Mark Wahlberg

Marky Mark Prays That God Forgives Him For “Boogie Nights”

October 24, 2017 / Posted by:

Boogie Nights is a jewel of a movie that is a precious gift to us all. It gave us so many perfect things like Philip Seymour Hoffman in a three sizes too small 70s freakum tank, Julianne Moore busting out one of her signature cries outside of the courthouse, a pucker-inducing dance scene, everything Becky Barnett says, the soundtrack, etc… etc… But being the dumb turd corn that he is, Marky Mark regrets doing Boogie Nights and hopes that God will forgive him for it. When Marky gets to the gates of Heaven and asks God if he’s forgiven for Boogie Nights, God will probably say, “Errr, I don’t forgive Paul Thomas Anderson for casting your ass, and I also don’t forgive you for almost killing those Vietnamese men,” before hitting a button that opens a trap door to Hell.

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Jake Gyllenhaal Dodged A Question About Taylor Swift

September 19, 2017 / Posted by:

You can’t be a real Bostonian without being a bit of an a-hole. Hell, I’ve given three people in this coffee shop the finger just over the span of typing out two sentences. So it’s only natural Jake Gyllenhaal gets into character and acts like one on the press tour for Stronger, the film where he portrays real-life Boston Marathon bombing survivor Jeff Bauman. Jake and Jeff interviewed each other and it’s not so much an interview as it’s 2 minutes them sassing one another. Continue reading

Mark Wahlberg Made A Stupid Amount Of Money This Year

August 22, 2017 / Posted by:

I honestly had forgotten that Mark Wahlberg appeared in anything over the past 12 months. I racked my brain (it didn’t take long) and all I could come up with was a commercial for Wahlburgers. In actuality, I forgot about Mark’s appearances in Transformers: The Last Knight and the movie where he’s on the oil rig that explodes. According to Forbes’ annual list of the highest-paid actors in the world, Mark Wahlberg made a lot of money for the work he did.

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Johnny Depp Is Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actor

December 7, 2016 / Posted by:

The shady paycheck-analyzing bitches at Forbes have released their annual “Actors with too many undeserved dollars in their wallet” list (aka Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors of 2016). For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has topped the list.

Forbes figured out the most overpaid actors like this:

Our rundown of Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors looked at the last three films each actor starred in before June 2016, save animated films, movies where the actor appeared in an insignificant role, or movies that were released on fewer than 2,000 screens.We then deducted the estimated production budget from the global box office for each film according to Box Office Mojo to come up with a limited definition of each movie’s operating income. We took the total operating income from the star’s three most recent significant films then divided by the star’s estimated pay for those films to come up with a final return on investment number.

Math isn’t my strongest brain function, so I’m taking Forbes’ word for it.

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Marky Mark’s Request For A Pardon Has Been Dropped

September 16, 2016 / Posted by:

You don’t have to look much farther than Marky Mark’s Wikipedia page to know that he did some vile shit before he hooked up with the Funky Bunch and stripped down to his underwear. Mahky Mahk attacked two Vietnamese men on the same day in Boston when he was 16. He ended up being charged with assault and served 45 days. Two years ago, Mark tried to get a pardon for those heinous acts he committed. He must have been too busy teaching Donnie Wahlberg how to flip the Wahlburgers properly, because he forgot about that pardon. And now it’s been dropped.

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Mahky Mahk Got To MC An Event For The Pope

September 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Pope Francis is currently in Philadelphia, and last night he attended an event called the World Meeting of Families, which was hosted by his second-biggest fan, Mark Wahlberg. Of course, this shouldn’t be confused with the Underworld Meeting of Families, a semi-annual event hosted in Hell by Kris Jenner.

Even though Mahky Mahk is from Boston, someone in Philadelphia decided that he was the best Catholic to be the master of ceremonies. What, was Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia not available? Anyway, they gave Mahky Mahk a podium and a weird-looking mic and let him do his thing. Of course, the first thing he did was make a joke about Ted.

Shade, thy name is The Pope’s tiny side-eye at the end there, where it looks like he’s thinking “My son, even Jesus can’t forgive you for The Happening.” Or maybe that’s just his “Lord, cut his mic and bring the singing kid back out” face. And way to rat out that kid, Mark. Do you know how much shit he’s going to take from the nuns after they find out he watched such blasphemous garbage?

EW says that Donnie’s brother also introduced performances by Aretha Franklin, Andrea Bocelli, Juanes, and The Fray. Since Pope Francis is the Cool Pope (or so I’ve heard), I wonder if Marky Mark ever thought to bring out the Funky Bunch and sing “Good Vibrations“? I’m sure Pope Francis would have appreciated that. Although that’s not exactly Cool Pope specific, since everybody loves “Good Vibrations.

And here’s Mark Wahlberg looking like the dude at a party who keeps asking people to guess how old he is (“29 right? I usually get 29“) at a screening of Invincible in Philadelphia on Friday night.


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