Well, there you have it. Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are friends now…or at least whatever the word is for when you can tolerate someone just enough to keep from hissing “What’s good” at them. Friends for publicity? Sure, that’ll do.
Nicki opened Miley Cyrus’ baby candy raver spectacular (aka the MTV VMAs) last night, then sometime in the middle of her performance, Tay Tay pulled a “Please welcome to the stage…” on herself and joined Nicki for “The Night Is Still Young.” And because Taylor is the cheerleader who cries if she doesn’t get the top spot on the pyramid, of course she rose from the ground with a million spotlights on her and closed Nicki’s performance with “Bad Blood.” Then, to prove they really really don’t hate each other anymore, Taylor gave Nicki a side-hug. Awww, what a totally sincere and not at all staged act of friendship.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
As awkward as it is watching Taylor try to dance ~sexy~ next to Nicki, it’s still nowhere near as awkward as watching her cringey attempt at a Liz Taylor impression in the video for “Wildest Dreams“, which premiered last night.
But back to Tay Tay and her new friend Nicki. After they were done performing, Taylor took Nicki backstage and initiated her into her gang of famous friends by piercing her pinky finger with the sharp pointy end of a candy cane and making her swear on a stack of vintage American Girl magazines that she would be loyal to Taylor forever or risk becoming banished to friendship purgatory with the rest of the “Katys.” Once the ceremony was complete, Taylor gave her another side-hug and said “You know, Miley Cyrus recently said some not-nice things about me…uh, I mean…you. Doesn’t that make you mad? Like, mad enough to call her out on stage? I dunno, just putting it out there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to try to recruit the future First Lady.”
Speaking of friends for publicity, here’s Tay Tay with about 1/8th of the Sugar Cookie Gang before the show:
During the past couple of weeks or so, Taylor Swift has pussy burped up poster after poster after poster of all the “characters” in her video for her song
This video is what would end up in the toilet if Brit Brit’s video for “Toxic” gorged itself on The Hunger Games and washed it down with a glass of Katy Perry’s tears mixed with Kill Bill before barfing. Taylor Swift plays some kind of spy who gets double-crossed by her fellow spy played by Selena Gomez. Tay Tay is about as threatening as a sedated ladybug in a tutu and her badass face look like “I’m constipated but trying to be sexy” Selena Gomez is slightly more threatening than a sedated ladybug in a tutu and she looks like she’s starring as Velma Kelly in a kindergarten production of Chicago. Behold:
If a 12-year-old girl with millions of dollars and access to a camera crew and a whole lot of leather catsuits made a fun video of her and her girlfriends playing “spies” during her slumber party, that is what that video would look like. With that being said, Cindy Crawford and Mariska Hargitay look hot.
Human soft-serve ice cream cone Taylor Swift proved she’s one cat closer to her very own butterscotch-scented Scottish Fold pussy army by posting a picture to Instagram yesterday of her newest Scottish Fold cat, who she’s named after her favorite Law & Order: SVU character, Olivia Benson. Personally, I’m a little disappointed that she didn’t name it “Meow-whisker Hargitay”, but you take an SVU reference where you can get it.
Olivia Benson is Taylor’s second cat, the first being Meredith Grey, who was named after her favorite character from Grey’s Anatomy. This sort of reminds me of when people give up smoking and replace cigarettes with Pop Tarts; except Taylor has replaced chasing barely-legal boys with collecting cats and naming them after television shows found on your mom’s DVR. The next thing you know she’ll be posting a picture of a third cat named after the designer from Love It or List It and asking if you’ve seen the lovely slacks that are on sale at Chico’s.
I’ll throw shade for days at Taylor for naming her first cat after Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ll give her 10 loud YAAASSSSSS-es and 5 ‘hands up’ emojis for naming the second cat after the greatest pervert-busting detective of all time. She shouldn’t be surprised if she comes home one day to find Olivia Benson in a little leather jacket with a tiny NYPD badge clipped to the waist of her itty bitty kitty dress pants with a caramel-colored hair extension on her head, trying to convince the next-door neighbor’s cat to testify against the Shih Tzu who attacked them in Central Park.
28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin’s second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina’s husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife “a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig” in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.
People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can’t wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.
You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I’d like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria’s veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando’s widow:
Congratulations to Alec’s colorist for getting it RIGHT!
That headline does make it sound like Mariska Hargitay and Viola Davis adopted one baby friend together, and will either move into one house to raise their baby together or will pass the baby back and forth like a divorced lesbian couple that was never together in the first place. That headline is dipped in wishful thinking, because I’d like to think that there’s a baby friend out there who will get dazzled by Mariska’s sparkly maple syrup highlights one minute and then get lost in Viola’s Lauryn Hill impersonation (I really thought that was Lauryn Hill in the picture above) the next. But nope! They each adopted their own globs of slobber.
Mariska and her husband Peter Hermann adopted a newborn son over the summer, just six months after they adopted their daughter Amaya Josephine. Mariska’s adoption application must have been notarized with the wet kiss of St. Angie, because a week after their paperwork processed they got the call. Mariska tells People, “We never in a million years thought it would happen this quickly, but something inside of us knew that this was right, and we said, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’” Mariska and Peter gave their second son (they have another son named August) the boring ass name of Andrew Nicolas Hargitay Hermann. Expect them to form a toddler pop group called The Three As in a few years.
Viola and her husband Julian Tennon also told the celebrity magazine equivalent of an IT’S A GIRL! garage door banner, People, that they adopted a newborn girl like six seconds ago. They named her Genesis after Genesis from The Real World: Boston, I’m assuming! I can’t wait until Viola’s Genesis is old enough to plaster her own Genesisisms on the wall of her living room just like the reality jewel she was named after.