“Gee whiz, if only I was bitten by a radioactive lunch lady, then I’d have the power to save my mouth from this grody cafeteria pizza!”
The news that we were getting a fresh-outta-Pampers Spider-Man was a major clue that the latest Spider-Man reboot was going to feel like a superhero movie released by the Disney Channel. Sony released the first trailer for Spider-Man: Homecoming during Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and it’s definitely giving off that vibe. Tom Holland is 20 years old in real life, but they really high school-ed up this version of Peter Parker. It doesn’t help that his haircut makes him look like a “15-year-old at Sears Portrait Studio with his mom.”
The only way I feel comfortable referring to this Peter Parker as “Spider-Man” would be if Marisa Tomei’s Aunt May opened the movie by showing the audience pictures from Peter Parker’s bar mitzvah. “And this is the day Peter became a man. So technically it’s not weird to call him Spider-Man. Now on with the show!”
We also get a look at Zendaya, who may or may not be playing Mary Jane Watson, and she’s giving me the so-edgy aspiring Instagram stylist version of a young Enid Coleslaw and a vintage copy of Sassy. We also get to see Michael Keaton as The Vulture, which feels a little weird. I mean, it’s a grown-ass man telling a teen boy he’s going to kill him. That sounds like the kind of fight that would happen in the parking lot of a Walmart between the cart boy and the uptight owner of the Audi he joy rode a cart into.
Here’s Zendaya earlier this week at the opening of the Broadway musical Dear Evan Hansen.
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!
Less than a week after it was announced that she would play a sexy lesbian billionaire on Empire, Variety has confirmed that 50-year-old Marisa Tomei has been cast as Peter Parker’s elderly adoptive Aunt May in Marvel’s upcoming Spider-Man movie. I hope Tina Fey, Patricia Arquette, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus had enough time to celebrate Marisa Tomei’s last fuckable day, because it appears that day is gone. Neither Sony nor Marvel had anything to say about this, but I want to believe they chose Marisa because they’re going for a late-in-life Mona Lisa Vito vibe with this version of Aunt May (both characters are from Brooklyn, so technically that joke makes sense).
In the comics, Aunt May was a frail old lady who looked like she could have given birth to Moses, so casting Marisa Tomei makes sense… not at all. Marisa seems way too young to play Aunt May. Aunt MILF, sure, but not Aunt May. To put it into perspective, the last Aunt May was played by Sally Field. And before her, it was Rosemary Harris.
But I guess Marisa as Aunt May sort of works when you compare her to Tom Holland, the kid who is playing the new Spider-Man. The new Spider-Man looks young enough for me to believe he just discovered his first armpit hair. So I suppose it makes sense that this version of Aunt May should look like she spends her nights getting buzzed on white wine and watching Fifty Shades of Grey with her book club.
Here’s the future Aunt May leaving an Armani show in Paris yesterday.
I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, “I sucked other men’s cocks,” in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.
At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor’s Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn’t believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!
Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.
That necklace just doesn’t shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that’s because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That’s probably the real case.
I really need to take a brush-up course on Marisa Tomei’s love life at the University of Phoenix online, because I’m so not up-to-date on the goings on of her vagina, so I had no idea that Logan Marshall-Green has been making regular, if not daily, visits to it for over 4 years. Marisa and Tom Hardy’s junior clone have been dating on and off since 2008 and now they’re totally on in a major way, because InTouch (via DM) says they are getting married. When Marisa’s best friend Rosie Perez asked her why in the hell would she marry a dude who is 12 years younger than her and has a baboon heart (LMG does not have a baboon heart), she said, “I don’t make sense, he don’t make sense, together we make sense!” Yes, I’ve watched Untamed Heart way too many times.
Marisa and Logan haven’t confirmed this yet, but a source says he gave her an engagement ring around the holiday times, because everybody gave everybody an engagement ring around the holiday times. That source said, “He popped the question over the holidays. She is very happy.”
Congratulations to Marisa and the dude with a beaver tail for hair. Will somebody please get them another fucking bike, a two-seater bike or a front chair (like this one) as a wedding gift? Just look at these bitches trying to ride double. You’re grown up actors! You’re not Cirque du Soleil acrobats or middle schoolers during summer break. Leave the “2 hos, 1 bike” trick to the professionals.
And “Logan Marshall-Green” sounds like the fancy, full name for a green loogie. Green Loogie only goes by the name Green Loogie instead of Logan Marshall-Green, because it doesn’t want people to know it came from a rich family. The next time you cough up a green loogie, say you coughed up a Logan Marshall-Green. It’ll make you sound way more proper and refined.
At last night’s TIFF premiere of The Ides of March, Stacy Keibler’s temp job as George Clooney’s piece of the moment officially started. I’m sure Stacy got a passing grade during her first day on the job review since she followed the two rules: try to look as hot as possible and swallow the word “marriage” if it ever tries to crawl up your throat and jump out of your mouth.
While wearing a 90s black velvet dress from the archive closet of Contempo Casuals, Stacy posed by herself on the stroll and kept her words to a minimum when hos asked about George. Like when People asked her what she liked about George, all she said was this:
Good answer, bitch. The professional trainers in the Hos of George Clooney Division at the Manpower temp agency trained her well. But the Miss Cleo in all of us (and there is a Miss Cleo in all of us) knows how this is going to play out. Stacy is all smiley and quiet now, but it’s only a matter of time before she starts to get bold and casually lets out the danger word that forces George’s b-hole to push out the strap-on and snap for security to bring empty cardboard boxes for her shit. Then before she knows it, Stacy is standing in the hallway of The George Clooney Halfway House For Dumped Girlfriends waiting for Sarah Larson to hang up the payphone after she finds out if her manager at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone is going to give her another shift.
Milk that shit while you can, Stacy. It’s obvious who George is really going to end up with. No, not Brad Pitt. I’m talking about this loyal homegirl right here:
Your mama is going to make George Clooney happier than anybody ever could!
Here’s more from last night’s Ides of March thing. In order: Stacy Keebler Elf, The Clooney, Ryan Gosling with his mama, Evan Rachel Wood (thinking she’s Madonna at the end of the Open Your Heart video), Dave Matthews, Marisa Tomei and Kate Mara with Max Minghella.