When Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence’s Two Sexy Goofs in Space film, Passengers, came out last December, many hated it. One of the major reasons why people weren’t feeling Passengers was because they found Chris Pratt’s character to be a bit of a creepy stalker. Chris Pratt is surprised that people felt that way.
I’ll do this announcement in a Leonardo DiCatchAHo minute, because I know you want to be left alone with these pictures of Mario Lopez looking like he’s trying to smile for the paps while holding in a fart in Miami over the weekend. The douche-induced rash clinging to the walls of humanity’s vagina was in Miami this past weekend to be the Grand Marshal in their gay pride parade, because when you think of gay pride, you automatically think of Mario Lopez.
But anyway, Allison is on vacation until Thursday (read: she’s totally getting work done in Brazil), so you’re stuck with me and me alone until then. It’ll just be you and me. We’ll do each other’s nails and practice kissing stuff on pillows. If you’re thinking you’re going to go through my bag while I’m sleeping and pull out a pair of my panties to put in the freezer, the joke will be on you. You know very well that my slutty, always-ready ass doesn’t wear chonies.
Now I leave you to fap to these pictures of Mario and his cum bowls (aka his dimples) in your cubicle. And if AC Slater really doesn’t do it for you, you can still make the most out of these pictures. You can cleanse your vagina by rubbing it against his douchiness.
THAT PICTURE. It looks like a kidnapping victim and the captor who forced her into a deranged cult (they are matching after all). Little does her captor know that she’s crazier than him (see: HER EYES).
Last month, rug burn marks covered Katherine Heigl’s body when her Grey’s Anatomy boss Shonda Rhimes dragged her during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. When talking about the cast and crew of her shows, Shonda said that she runs a “no assholes” operation and there’s “no Heigls” around her anymore. Shonda Rhimes really fucked herself out of the 6 month supply of ZzzQuil that Heigl was going to send her for the holidays.
Shonda’s dragging of Heigl came a year after The Hollywood Reporter did a long piece about how she and her mom/monster manager have pissed a lot of people in the industry off with their diva bitch ways. So during an interview on Extra with professional verbal rimmer Mario Lopez about her new show, the Dollar Tree knock-off version of Homeland titled State of Affairs (which did okay in the ratings), she was asked about The Hollywood Reporter’s piece. Heigl immediately asked, “Which one?” HA! “Listen, Mario, a lot of people have called me a cunt in The Hollywood Reporter, so you’re going to have to be more specific.”
I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.
Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.
But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):
“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”
Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.
Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!
If you woke up this morning and told yourself that your day is incomplete unless you hear about RiRi’s waxed coochie box, you’re in luck. Your day won’t be incomplete! When RiRi was with Chris Brown, her chocha hairs burned off at the sight of his face. But now that she’s no longer with Chris Brown, she keeps her crotch as smooth as a naked mole rat’s armpit by getting a Brazilian wax.
Some chicks say that getting a Brazilian wax is as pleasant and comfortable as riding a crocodile naked, but the chicks that I know that have gotten a Brazilian wax have all said that it’s not that bad. (Maybe they just have the crotch of a viking?) Since we’re on the subject of crotch grooming, one friend told me that her friend’s puss lips once got caught in an Epilady. That dumbass is obviously an amateur, because I’ve used an Epilady several times and it’s never gotten caught on my droopy as- I’m going to stop.
Anyway, the staff at Fuzz Wax Bar in Toronto tells The Daily Star (via Zap2It) that RiRi came in for a Brazilian wax and told them that she didn’t want any numbing cream, because she loves the pain of it all.
RiRi refused the numbing cream they apply as a standard process. “No way, I love the pain,” Rihanna tells the esthetician. “It feels good to me.”
On top of that, she never screeched or squealed during her full-bore bikini wax. The salon staff says the walls are very thin, so they could tell Rihanna was actually enjoying herself. “She was singing and humming songs all through the treatment,” says the source. “None of us could stop laughing.”
Now you know where to go if you want to get your flower waxed in a place where the walls are so thin that everyone can hear you scream in pain (or goat yodel with pleasure if you’re RiRi).
I’m actually surprised to hear that RiRi feels any kind of sensation down there. I’d think that fucking Chris Brown’s nasty ass for all those years would’ve left her snatch traumatized, numb and scared for a while.
Here’s RiRi patting her freshly waxed bits while performing in Bilbao, Spain the other night.
When the judge released Amanda Bynes back into the wild, they should’ve released her only if she agreed to two things: 1) to turn her polyester wigs into the proper authorities (because those things should never be allowed on the streets) and; 2) turn in her Twitter account immediately. Because Amanda spread the fuckery in heavy, heavy doses on Twitter today. Amanda has stopped throwing bongs out of windows (I think), but now she’s firing shots on Twitter. Amanda went after RiRi for no reason other than she’s Amanda Bynes and she’s as crazy as that wig on her head.
I didn’t think I’d ever tell anyone to step away from the bong, but Amanda Bynes needs to take four steps backwards away from her bong and she needs to take a hundred steps backwards away from Twitter. Weed + Amanda Bynes = not a good look. To Amanda, the good shit is the bad shit.
RiRi could’ve responded several ways and since I’ve seen her responses to haters on Twitter before, I sort of expected her to pull off Amanda’s wig and beat that trick with it. But she tweeted this gem instead:
And Amanda kept the crazy going….
When RiRi comes off as the classy and sane individual, I just don’t even know anymore.
And in about 45 seconds, Amanda will claim she was hacked and will sue Twitter, RiRi, the canine community, the producers of Hackers (for teaching people how to hack) and ugly people (aka everybody but her).