For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
Remember yesterday when the so down-to-earth she’s practically sweltering at the earth’s core Jennifer Lawrence was telling a story about her “bar fight?“ Right, that was totally silly. But do you recall the part where the guy told her to eff off when she wouldn’t take a picture with them? It demonstrated that there are scary, angry people in the world who are especially angry at celebrities. A prime example would be this dude who randomly went after Mario “AC Slater” Lopez at a spa in Las Vegas. Mario escaped unscathed but his smartphone didn’t. It’s ok, Mario. There’s going to be a $1,000 rich person status symbol phone available soon. Continue reading
When Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence’s Two Sexy Goofs in Space film, Passengers, came out last December, many hated it. One of the major reasons why people weren’t feeling Passengers was because they found Chris Pratt’s character to be a bit of a creepy stalker. Chris Pratt is surprised that people felt that way.
I’ll do this announcement in a Leonardo DiCatchAHo minute, because I know you want to be left alone with these pictures of Mario Lopez looking like he’s trying to smile for the paps while holding in a fart in Miami over the weekend. The douche-induced rash clinging to the walls of humanity’s vagina was in Miami this past weekend to be the Grand Marshal in their gay pride parade, because when you think of gay pride, you automatically think of Mario Lopez.
But anyway, Allison is on vacation until Thursday (read: she’s totally getting work done in Brazil), so you’re stuck with me and me alone until then. It’ll just be you and me. We’ll do each other’s nails and practice kissing stuff on pillows. If you’re thinking you’re going to go through my bag while I’m sleeping and pull out a pair of my panties to put in the freezer, the joke will be on you. You know very well that my slutty, always-ready ass doesn’t wear chonies.
Now I leave you to fap to these pictures of Mario and his cum bowls (aka his dimples) in your cubicle. And if AC Slater really doesn’t do it for you, you can still make the most out of these pictures. You can cleanse your vagina by rubbing it against his douchiness.
THAT PICTURE. It looks like a kidnapping victim and the captor who forced her into a deranged cult (they are matching after all). Little does her captor know that she’s crazier than him (see: HER EYES).
Last month, rug burn marks covered Katherine Heigl’s body when her Grey’s Anatomy boss Shonda Rhimes dragged her during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter. When talking about the cast and crew of her shows, Shonda said that she runs a “no assholes” operation and there’s “no Heigls” around her anymore. Shonda Rhimes really fucked herself out of the 6 month supply of ZzzQuil that Heigl was going to send her for the holidays.
Shonda’s dragging of Heigl came a year after The Hollywood Reporter did a long piece about how she and her mom/monster manager have pissed a lot of people in the industry off with their diva bitch ways. So during an interview on Extra with professional verbal rimmer Mario Lopez about her new show, the Dollar Tree knock-off version of Homeland titled State of Affairs (which did okay in the ratings), she was asked about The Hollywood Reporter’s piece. Heigl immediately asked, “Which one?” HA! “Listen, Mario, a lot of people have called me a cunt in The Hollywood Reporter, so you’re going to have to be more specific.”
I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.
Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.
But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):
“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”
Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.
Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!