Category: Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey Declares That Brunch Is Over And Linner Is It, Dahlings!

January 7, 2018 / Posted by:

Mariah Carey (did she finally get her hot tea?) is riding high on her redemptive NYE performance in Times Square. (“Redemptive” in this case meaning “doing a soundcheck prior to performing”.) She’s now free to go back to dispensing advice and defining the trends for all of her loving lambs out there. Mimi recently tweeted about a friend asking her to, ew, brunch. Check your wristwatch, Mimi’s friend, brunch time is over. It’s all about linner now! Continue reading

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Happy New Year From Mimi’s Hot Tea

January 1, 2018 / Posted by:

As expected, Mimi returned to the scene of the crime (aka Times Square) last night and yodeled out two of her songs, Vision of Love and Hero, during Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Everyone kept calling it “Mariah Carey’s redemption performance,” but please. The only tricks who needed to do some redeeming was the Emmys voters for not properly honoring that televised masterpiece wreck by giving it hundreds of awards.

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Mariah Carey Might Be Rocking Around The Christmas Tree Until July

December 29, 2017 / Posted by:

Ever since Mariah Carey released “All I Want For Christmas Is You” in 1994, she’s morphed her career to work in tandem with Michael Bublé’s in that there is nothing playing in the T.J. Maxx dressing room post-Thanksgiving but their hits and a stray song or two about a reindeer. The Queen of Christmas (if she lets you call her that) has always been suspect to be a little too gung-ho on the holidays, and her latest tweet might confirm everyone’s suspicions. Continue reading

Mariah Carey Vs. New Year’s Eve: Round 2

December 23, 2017 / Posted by:

Nothing says Christmas like an overgrown majorette with one drunken breast staggering to the right. 2017 was almost on par with the previous year when it came to the amount of awful. But whereas 2016 was “The Year Everybody Good Died,” 2017 was “The Year Of Rape And Buffoonery.” There’s far too many examples to list, but this year was just one depressing revelation after another. It didn’t look that way at the starting gate. Mariah Carey’s waking nightmare (hers) of a NYE performance seemed to foreshadow a year of hilarity and mirth. Nope. It’s ok because Mariah’s returning to Times Square for a triumphant comeback performance. If she gets her old voice back and somehow pulls it off, maybe that means 2018 will be a year of peace and prosperity? I kid, North Korea is totally going to blow us up. Continue reading

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Mariah Carey And Her Ex-Fiancé Agree To Stay Mum About Each Other

December 18, 2017 / Posted by:

The New York Daily News reports that Mariah Carey has contractually agreed to stay “positively silent” about her ex-fiancé James Packer in exchange for that generous settlement she received. Essentially Mariah agreed to a metric ton of hush money and a 35-carat ball-gag. James has also agreed to stay quiet, although he doesn’t have a giant diamond to help him with that.

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Open Post: Hosted By Mimi Magically Sitting On An Invisible Chair 

December 4, 2017 / Posted by:

If FitBit made a solid gold one that’s covered in diamonds, and one of Mimi’s benefactors gave one to her, it would get about as much action as I do. Us peons were given legs so that we could walk or whatever, but Mimi was given legs so that pureed diamonds and pink dolphin jizz could be slathered on them by shirtless boy toys on a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean somewhere. And it looks like Mimi sits so much (case in point: Mimi being pushed on her rolling throne) and is so used to being in the sitting position that she can sit on air. Mimi IS Magic. She can sing without opening her mouth, and she can sit without the help of a chair. Chairs are officially over!

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