If you woke up panicked this morning that your smoke alarm was going off, or that two angry alley cats were making sweet, angry alley cat love under your bedroom window: RELAX. It was just Sally Field scream-crying because Maria Shriver achieved what Sally could not: the successful pairing of her beloved offspring to a celebrity.
Much like an alien from V, you can’t peer too closely at a celebrity in 2018 without his face being ripped off to reveal him as a possible sexual predator. Former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw, 78, is the latest calming voice of newscasting reason to be accused of sexually harassing co-workers (and ruining milk and cookies for everyone). Tom must make a helluva pumpernickel spinach dip for the annual Celebrity Newscaster Christmas Party, because 64 of his former colleagues (including Rachel Maddow, Maria Shriver, and NBC News’ Andrea Mitchell) have co-signed an open letter in his defense. Looks like the #TimesUp female solidarity clock’s batteries need changing.
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
There’s usually one house in every neighborhood that celebrates Christmas times all year round and is never without lights on it. My house was that house for a while. One year, my uncle, who didn’t live with us, suddenly decided that our house really needed some Christmas lights. He put them up and they never came down. You know my abuelita wasn’t going to pull out a damn ladder and my mom worked all the time, so they stayed up for years. They became a part of the house. The house started to eat them. We never turned them on and they stopped working. I should’ve told people that they weren’t Christmas lights, they were siding studs. Very on trend. I don’t think our neighbors ever gave a shit. Although, one smart ass whore neighbor wished me a Merry Christmas while I was on the driveway choreographing a dance number to a Jody Watley song for my own pleasure. It was July. Anyway, our neighbors didn’t seem to care, but Maria Shriver’s rich ass neighbors do….
TMZ has an EXCLUSIVO video they shot on Tuesday night of Christmas lights twinkling bright in front of Maria Shriver’s Brentwood house. Maria turns on the lights nightly and she’s had them up since December. Maria’s neighbors aren’t dazzled by them and want her to take them down. But instead of knocking on Maria’s door and telling it to her face, they called TMZ. TMZ is the new passive aggressive note.
Maria’s neighbors don’t want to hurt her feelings, so they hope their note through TMZ gets to her and she takes them down. Those neighbors need to pull the platinum stick from out their asses and get over it. Those don’t even look like Christmas lights to me. That looks like some Disney park shit to me. Don’t some rich people always decorate their front yard trees with light-up diamond necklaces? I’m sure Maria will take down her Christmas lights….but only so she can rearrange them into a message for all her neighbors. I’m sure we’ll see the lit-up words “F ALL U TWATS” on Maria’s front yard shrubs real soon. Don’t mess with the Skeletor of the Kennedy family.
Speaking of things that twinkle, here’s Maria’s hairless twink son Patrick Schwarzenegger in Hawaii the other day.
Damn, was she on the juice, too? Cheeks! Jesus is being the opposite of helpful to Maria Shriver this holiday season. TMZ is reporting that she’s (blue)waffling on actually divorcing husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. Her issue? Going through with the divorce is difficult for her because of her Catholic upbringing. Let’s be honest – does it seem like God has ever really smiled upon the Kennedys? Sweetie, become a Protestant and sign off on those papers.
Shit, there’s no divorce loophole in the Bible for when he fucks the maid full of child? When you actually live through some “he had a whole other secret family and she worked in my house and smiled at me every morning WHILE PREGNANT WITH MY HUSBAND’S CHILD” shit out of a One Life To Live episode? If the Catholic version of God is half the awesome guy he’s supposed to be, he’d ignite a bush and give her the OK in this situation.
Oh, and they spent the holiday together according to People and had “a really nice time.” If the source for the report was Maria, a “really nice time” probably means she did that thing to him from Casino Royale where Daniel Craig got his naked ass sat in the chair without a bottom and got whipped on his ass and balls with big rope.
SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger‘s leventy-billion other children.
Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.
In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it’s been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K‘s Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I’m proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*
That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book “In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas”. Till then, I’ll see you all in the comments section.
Much love (you know where), Sweetas