If you didn’t spend your New Year’s Eve watching Botoxed Elf on a Shelf Ryan Seacrest and the return of Mariah Carey on ABC or the shit show on CNN, then you might have tuned into Fox. And in very old school Fox fashion, their show featured the stunt of all TV stunts: a live wedding!
E! News host Maria Menounos tells People that in February, she knew something was wrong with her health when she started getting headaches and lightheaded on set. Now, getting headaches is a symptom of working with Ryan Seacrest, but what was happening to Maria was much more serious and scary. After she had trouble reading the teleprompter and started slurring her words, she had an MRI and learned that a golf-ball-size meningioma brain tumor was pushing against her facial nerves and fucking with her.
I’ll get to the people who were actually in Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a minute, but first, here’s some of the messes who weren’t in the movie but showed up because they either wanted to see it for free or they wanted to get their picture taken. Or both!
Joseph Gordon-Levitt led the LOOK AT ME train by showing up to the premiere in Hollywood looking like what I think is supposed to be Yoda? What in the hell kind of GD Yoda is that? Dude looks more like somebody’s mom answering the front door on a Sunday morning with a seaweed mask on her face. It looks like Shrek shot a 6-day load on his face. If the tip of JGL’s nerd boner gets moist for Star Wars, he should’ve tried a little bit harder. A hotel bathrobe, Grinch pajama bottoms from T.J. Maxx, converse and a baby poop face mask does not make a Yoda costume. Maybe JGL not-so-secretly hates Star Wars and his fuck effort outfit is his way of saying, “This shit is stupid.” Whatever the case may be, he should’ve been arrested for this.
Both Sofia Vergara and Maria Menonous wore Princess Leia-like hairstyles, and Jaime King, the den mother of Taylor Swift’s squad, also got an invitation for some reason and I don’t think she came dressed as one of the characters. I mean, I guess Jaime King can say she came dressed as a trick who had a one-night-stand with Chewbacca and made an outfit out of a bed sheet and his huge tuxedo shirt for the walk home. Will Taylor Swift please increase Jaime’s allowance so bitch can buy a real outfit? Jaime’s WTF ensemble is in the gallery as well as pictures of Karreuche Tran (???) and Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s latest piece. Attention Whores: The Thirst Awakens!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
I went with that picture, because reading a story about doctor molestation as told to Howard Stern is sometimes easier to read when a stoned poodle with black jellybean eyes is staring at you.
Maria Menounos, who co-hosts that Extra shit with AC Slater, was on Howard Stern yesterday to promote something or another and their talk strangely went from how she didn’t do the naked rumba with her completely heterosexual DWTS partner Derek Hough to how several male gynos have touched her wrong. While my ass got an Operation-game like shock in my loins while watching that hot piece Dr. Richard Besser (you ain’t never accused me of having standards) talk about Robin Roberts’ condition on Nightline last night, Maria doesn’t have it like that for doctors. Maria has a serious phobia of doctors and she can’t get examined by one unless her boyfriend of 14 years Kevin Undergaro is in the room with her.
Maria told Howard the horror started years ago when she went to see a doctor for an issue with her throat. The doctor told her to get naked and change into a hospital gown. As far as Maria knows, her throat didn’t suddenly drop into her coochie area, so she was traumatized when the doctor started pressing on her genitals without telling her he was going to do so. Maria went on (via The Stir):
I was really young, so I was so uncomfortable … [My boyfriend] Kevin was in the waiting room and I literally started screaming … I was just so uncomfortable I didn’t know what to do.
Kevin told her to call the police and press charges against Dr. Molesty McSickFuck, but she says she didn’t want to make the issue worse. Maria told Howard that it wasn’t the only time a doctor made her feel extra gross inside. It happened to her several times by different doctors including one time when a dude doctor complimented her belly button ring before touching it.
It is kind of weird that Maria said all of this to Howard, but stranger things have happened on Howard’s show (see: Jenny McCarthy’s entire interview). I have so many questions, but since my brain is a tundra of dumb uselessness, the one I kept asking myself while reading this was: THE HELL? Was her doctor the creepy ass bitch from Hand that Rocks the Cradle?