Sean Penn vs. Maria Conchita Alonso

Besides the DMV, Denny’s, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn’t Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I’m there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn’s main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA’s baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he’s a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn’t know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

“That actress.” Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil’s ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I’m kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would’ve been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should’ve beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke ’em up with his baton.