Back in the spring of 2005, all of the Desperate Housewives did a Vanity Fair cover shoot and it turned into the cover shoot from hell. The story goes that there was tension between them all, and Teri Hatcher was pissed about not getting first pick at the outfits and not being in the middle of the photos. Fast forward thirteen years, Eva Longoria appears to still have beef – baby be damned! Continue reading
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.
And here’s the porcelain figurine goddess that Courtney Stodden is trying to become one liquid plastic injection to the lips at a time.
Amanda Lepore recharged everyone’s power bars at the Life Ball, one of the biggest AIDS charity events, in Vienna yesterday when she gave them all kinds of life by strolling onto the carpet with luscious red lips that looked like a freshly bloomed Anthurium, exquisitely crafted brows that a chola will razor a bitch for and tits so high the angels could touch them with their toes. Amanda Lepore puts the Life in Life Ball. The Life Ball also brought out the likes of Conchita Wurst, Marcia Cross, Ricky Martin, Carmen Carrera, Courtney Love and Bill Clinton.
Yes, Bill Clinton and this generation’s Marilyn Monroe were at the same event. For Bill’s sake, I hope he brought a $1,200 cigar that was dipped in the world’s most expensive champagne and rolled in diamonds, because Amanda Lepore only allows the finest of finest things to touch her opulent body.