Forbes has published yet another list of rich people and the money they made this year. This time they’re talking about the world’s highest-paid comedians. We already know that The Rock is 2016’s highest-paid actor, that Jennifer Lawrence is 2016’s highest-paid actress, and that Gisele Bundchen is 2016’s highest-paid model. Out of those three, The Rock made the most with $64.5 million. I thought that was a huge amount of money. As it turns out, The Rock can take his measly $64.5 million and have a seat, because Kevin Hart has him beat by a long shot.
Now that she’s tied to the Kardashian family forever (you’re not officially in until Kris Jenner leaks private news about you), it’s time to start making some kash off that name! Blac Chyna will soon be Mrs. Rob Kardashian and Baby Kardashian’s mommy, and so she’s gone ahead and filed papers to trademark her name. But not her fake name, Blac Chyna. Oh no, she already did that last month. I’m talking about her soon-to-be legal married name.
TMZ says that Blac Chyna recently submitted an application to trademark the name Angela Renee Kardashian. According to the documents filed, Blac Chyna wants the exclusive legal rights to the name Angela Kardashian for “entertainment services, namely live television and movie appearances” as well as “living as a social media celebrity, model, actress, and performer.” I don’t know if Chyna also thought hyphenating her real last name (White) with Rob’s last name. But I doubt that would have gotten the approval from her future mother-in-law, since White-Kardashian isn’t exactly on brand (years of self-tanner abuse technically classify the Kardashians as more of a radioactive orange).
I guess this means that there’s a chance Blac Chyna won’t be going by Blac Chyna anymore. Soon she’ll be plain ol’ Angie Kardashian. What’s next? Kylie Jenner’s boyfriend Tyga filing a petition to legally change his name to Michael Ray Jenner? Actually, I wouldn’t put that past him. Whatever helps him secure financing on a luxury car that will eventually get repossessed.
Blac Chyna is clearly a good businesswoman. I mean, she’s trademarking a name she doesn’t actually have yet. That’s smart. Of course, if she was really smart, she’d go ahead and trademark a couple more names. You know, for when the Kardashian Kurse kicks in, she splits with Rob, and becomes the koven’s #1 enemy once again. Maybe start by trademarking the name That Cash-Draining Bitch™. That way she can make a couple extra bucks every time Kris Jenner sees how much she has to pay for Rob’s child support every month and screams “Oooh I hate that cash-draining bitch so much!”
Excuse me while I curse out my high school guidance counselor for not being able to predict that “sexy emoji designer” would be such a lucrative career option in the future. TMZ says that Amber Rose, seen above holding a cutout of Susan from Guess Who?‘s less-hot sister, is $4 million richer thanks to her emoji app, MuvaMoji by Amber Rose.
Sources tell TMZ that Amber got a pretty large check stuffed into her g-string when she first signed on to help create Amber Rose-themed emojis. Emojis that she totally didn’t rip-off of Kim Kardashian, okay? It was launched on Wednesday and ended up making $2 million on the first day. That isn’t exactly surprising; Amber’s app only costs $1.99, which is a pretty good deal for more than 900 emojis of asses, stripper poles, more asses, and tubes of lube. Obviously Amber doesn’t get to pocket that whole $2 million, but she does get a percentage of it. According to TMZ, all those percentages add up to $4 million. Get that emoji money, bitch!
Even though I would totally pay $1.99 for a whole bunch of nasty ho emojis, it still seems crazy to me that it made $2 million on its first day. That’s more than 1 million people who were desperate to get their hands on emoji of Amber Rose slipping on a rubber glove of Bill Cosby holding a sign that says “I DID IT“.
— NYLON (@NylonMag) April 1, 2016
Well, 1 million people, or 1 dumb Kanye West with 1 million iPhones thinking he could maintain the innocence of Bill Cosby and his booty hole by hoarding dowloads of MuvaMoji. “Kim, go to the Apple store and buy more iPhones! I can’t let anyone see this shit!”
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the launch of MuvaMoji on Wednesday night. At least I think it’s Amber Rose? Maybe all her slutty glamazon couture was at the cleaners.
Which makes this the first time in recent memory that the words “hard-working” and “upstanding” were used to describe Justin Bieber. Last week, Justin Bieber dramatically collapsed onto his Marshmallow flip-open sofa and declared that he’d no longer be doing VIP meet-and-greets with fans during his Purpose tour because it was too emotionally draining. Unfortunately, people who paid $2,000 for a meet-and-greet were told they would not be getting a refund on unless they also gave up their ticket. So they came to a compromise; for $2,000, they could all stand in the same room as Justin.
As it turns out, standing in a room was also too much work for Justin. According to The Mirror (via NME), fans who paid $2,000 to meet-and-greet Justin at his shows in Las Vegas last weekend got to meet-and-greet a life-sized cardboard cutout instead. However, Justin did manage to get in one in-person VIP meet-and-greet last weekend, with Wayne Gretzky and his wife Janet.
However did a lucky fan like Wayne Gretzky manage to score a meet-and-greet with the elusive Justin “No More Pictures” Bieber? TMZ says that unless you’re one of Justin’s friends or a famous person, your chance of meeting-and-greeting Justin Bieber are about as thin as the teen ‘stache on his upper lip. So basically, if you paid $2,000 to meet Bieber, you’re probably going to get the 100% recyclable equivalent. But if it makes you feel any better, meeting a vacant, unresponsive cutout of Justin Bieber is pretty damn close to meeting the real thing.
Speaking of hanging out with famous people. Here’s Justin Bieber hanging out at a club in Las Vegas with DJ David Guetta after one of Bieber’s shows last weekend, as well as Justin looking like meth-warmed-over while leaving a club in Hollywood last night.
Do you make terrible decisions with money? Do you have an extra $100 million lying around? Then why not call up Kanye West (1-800-ASSPLAY) with the good news that you’re willing to dump a fuckload of cash into his insanely overpriced hobo ballerina clothing line, Yeezy.
According to Page Six, Kanye has been going door to door asking for $100 million so he can take Yeezy from joke to joke with more exposure. So far, Kanye has hit up the CEO of LVMH (which owns Louis Vuitton, Dior, and Marc Jacobs) and Chris Burch (who launched Tory Burch), both of whom probably responded by cackling “Hard pass!” before slamming the door. Kanye also hired a company called Relativity Fashion last year to help him find investors, but that dream died when they filed for Chapter 11 in July.
I’m sure you’re wondering why he doesn’t just text his wife and ask if she can spare a couple million from her monthly Botox fund. Well, he might have to resort to that sooner than later, considering he’s apparently already sunk a whole lot of his own money into Yeezy. A source says:
“Kanye is spending a lot of money. He thinks on a big scale and is currently paying for everything himself. He needs a backer to help him achieve the kind of fashion-world domination he is aiming for.”
How much money does Kanye need for that shit? His fashion shows take place in an empty warehouse, he gets a 10% family discount on his models from Kris Jenner’s Rent-A-Wreck, and all the clothes look like they were made from old sleeping bags and slightly-irregular pantyhose stolen from a L’Eggs factory outlet store. I’m not good at math, but that’s like, $100.
At least now the audience will understand when Kanye closes the Yeezy fashion show this afternoon with models passing around a donation plate. “Please give to the Church of Yeezus Christ. Every dollar helps.”
That’s great news, because if anyone deserves a solid-gold doggy spa filled with Snausages and gravy, it’s international treasure and former Hot Slut Gary Fisher. And now Carrie Fisher can finally splurge on such an expensive luxury item, because her bank account is about to explode harder and faster than all the nerds did on opening night.
In the event you’re an alien who just moved here from a planet that doesn’t receive WiFi signals from Earth, or you’re an Amish teen on Rumspringa, a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened on Friday, and it has already made enough money to pay for Jabba the Hutt’s excess skin removal surgery five times over. Deadline says that as of Saturday morning, movie people have estimated that SW:TFA will make somewhere between $246 million and $254 million, which would be an all-time record opening. Jurassic World is the current opening weekend record holder, with $208 million.
It’s beating a bunch of records too. Deadline says SW:TFA is now the highest-grossing opening day film ever, beating out former #1, Harry Potter 8. Disney says that Star Wars made $120.5 million on Friday, $100 million of which was made in the first 20 hours of its release. To put that into perspective, that’s 10 Aloha opening weekends, or roughly 75 Jems. So basically, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the Adele of movies.
To be honest, I’m SHOCKED that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has made such little money. $254 million? That’s nothing! This is Star Wars we’re talking about, and a legitimate Star Wars (sorry, Jar Jar). I’m more surprised that it wasn’t able to pass the trillion-dollar mark. Did die-hard Star Wars fans not quit their jobs and give 60 days notice on their apartments two months ago so they could move into the movie theater and watch Star Wars 2,800 times in a row like I assumed they would? Hang your head in shame, you should.