Category: Make It Stop

Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Are Officially Single (But Still Not Totally Divorced)

April 13, 2019 / Posted by:

In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.

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“A Star Is Born” Is Heading Back To Theaters And Lady Gaga Insists She’s Not Really In Love With Bradley Cooper

February 28, 2019 / Posted by:

I saw on the news this morning that Bradley Cooper popped his furry rodent face out of the ground, saw his shadow, grumbled incoherently and dove back down. Which I guess means we can expect at least another 6 weeks of having A Star Is Born shoved down our throats. ASIB is getting a theatrical re-release, and this time it’s going to be even longer.

According to Huffington Post, 12 minutes of new footage has been added, probably at the end where *SPOILER ALERT* Sam Elliott’s mustache jumps off his face and runs to the garage to replace the rope Jackson has tied around his neck. Sam’s ‘stache gently unfurls, leaving Jackson disoriented but alive, so they can make a sequel. I’m already organizing a 2020 Oscar campaign: Mustache for Best Supporting Actor.

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Ariana Grande Told Her Fans To Be “Gentler” With Pete Davidson

December 4, 2018 / Posted by:

The problem with living your life very publicly, sharing every fart, ass-mole, and detail about your dick, is that it’s hard to shut the door because you’ve already let the riff raff inside. Pete Davidson’s learning this lesson the hard way. Yesterday Pete posted a plea on Instagram for people, namely fans of his ex partner-in-overexposure Ariana Grande, to stop bullying him online and telling him to kill himself when they meet him in the streets. Luckily for Pete, while Ariana may not not have his dad’s badge number tattooed on her foot anymore, she’s still got his back.

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Rashida Jones Didn’t Leave Pixar Because Of Sexual Harassment, But The Reason Is Not Much Better

November 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Freddie Mercury must be cashing big royalty checks in Heaven right now, because every morning millions start humming “Another One Bites The Dust” as soon as we look at the news. Pixar’s chief creative officer John Lasseter announced yesterday that he was taking a 6-month leave of absence from Disney and Pixar in response to allegations of sexually inappropriate behavior (or “unwanted hugs,” as he claimed).

The Hollywood Reporter was quick to report that John had a long history of not-right touching and making comments about people’s appearance. They also reported that Rashida Jones and her writing partner Will McCormack quit their gig writing Toy Story 4 because John had made unwanted advances towards Rashida. In an effort to set the record straight, Rashida and Will have a fun good news/bad news scenario for you.

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