Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Here’s Maggie Gyllenhaal doing her best to exude “$2 for a blow, $5 for a lay” glamour on the set of the HBO pilot The Deuce, which is about the pre-Disney days of Times Square when you could buy discount ass and the bad shit on the same corner.
Maggie plays a seasoned pussy peddler named Candy. (Side note: Is every 70s hooker named Candy?) If this pilot gets picked up, I’m sure we’ll find out that Candy was an orphan from California whose heartless mother Mrs. Roper abandoned her shortly after giving birth to her in the bathroom of the Regal Beagle, because she didn’t want Mr. Roper finding out that she made a baby with Mr. Furley. That wig! It looks like it was made with poodle pubes. Candy needs to up her prices so she can upgrade her wig situation. That wig looks like it was once sold as “Harpo Marx hair” in the clearance section of a costume store the day after Halloween.
With that being said, this is the hottest that Maggie Gyllenhaal has EVER looked!
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!
Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.
But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.
Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.
Maggie Gyllenhaal, who once confessed that some people think she’s way too fucking old to play anyone’s love interest, recently admitted during a roundtable interview with The Hollywood Reporter that sometimes she doesn’t even make it to the “Bitch, you are too fucking old” part of the audition. Maggie says that ever since she started out in Hollywood, people have given her the same look the pig people give Donna Douglas in that Twilight Zone episode and told her she’s not “pretty enough” or “sexy enough” to be an actress.
“When I was starting out, I used to hear ‘no’ a lot and still do. And, ‘You’re not sexy enough. You’re not pretty enough.’ When I was really young, I auditioned for this really bad movie with vampires. I wore a dress to the audition that I thought was really hot. Then I was told I wasn’t hot enough. My manager at the time said, ‘Would you go back and sex it up a little bit?’ So I put on leather pants, a pink leopard skinny camisole and did the audition again and still didn’t get the part. (Laughter.) After that, I was like, OK, fuck this!”
Wait a minute – Hollywood is a superficial place filled with rude assholes who only care about looks? I’m shocked!
Maggie just addressed a very real problem in Hollywood; there isn’t a single acting school that offers a class on how to properly sex it up for auditions. Obviously such a class needs to exist, and it should be taught by the Lee Stasberg of sexiness herself, Bai Ling. Leather pants and a pink leopard camisole? That’s way too classy for a “really bad” vampire movie. See, if Maggie had been educated by a pro like Bai Ling, she’d have know that a future direct-to-DVD movie about vampires requires a tastelessly-short miniskirt made from a trash bag, a shirt made from plastic fake vampire teeth, and a pair of over-the-knee boots from Skank’s Choice Discount Shoe Warehouse. That’s how you sex it up and land an audition.
Here’s more of Maggie from The Hollywood Reporter’s roundtable interview, which also included Ruth Wilson, Viola Davis, shade hero Jessica Lange, Taraji P. Henson, and Lizzie Caplan.