Open Post: Hosted By Zoe Kravitz Serving Up Caught In The Net Messiness

I almost typed “methiness.” That works too.

I’m also with Theo James (the dude in the poster). When I look at Zoe Kravitz’s hair, I too don’t know if I want to slather it with soy sauce and take a huge bite out of it since it looks like an overstuffed spicy tuna roll. Or slather it with lube, pat my b-hole thrice for good luck and bounce on it.

Last night was the NYC premiere of the second movie in the Divergent series, the franchise that is the Rita Ora to The Hunger Games’ RiRi. Nearly everybody showed up looking a wreck (see the fuckery in gallery). Maggie Q came dressed as a bordello-owning villainess who wears the scalped hair of her victims on her dress. Dylan McDermott wore the half-assed Neo from The Matrix costume that every dude wore in 1999. And Shailene Woodley somehow managed to make one of Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral-going pantsuits look dull and boring. But Zoe Kravitz was the biggest wreck of them all. Leave it to Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s daughter to show those hos how messiness is really done.

If the Gorton’s Fisherman did a line of goth stripper clothes for Frederick’s, that ensemble on Zoe would be the crown jewel of his collection. Zoe is kind of like a walking sex party. You can use her hair as a dildo, her dress as a sex hammock and those fringes as whips. Whenever you make assholes and coochies pucker with your hairstyle, you won the night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Dylan McDermott Is Getting Married To His “Stalker” Co-Star Maggie Q

I thought I’d put the word “stalker” in quotes, just in case you weren’t familiar with the TV show Stalker and you thought Dylan McDermott was getting married to some random woman named Maggie Q that he met after finding her creeping around in the bushes behind his house. But it’s actually his co-star from that CSI: Stalkerville show that I would totally watch if I wasn’t already 3 seasons deep into Full House on Netflix.

Page Six says that after dating for a couple months, Dylan McDermott – a man I always confuse for Dermot Mulroney, who I then in turn confuse for Rupert Everett, because I am dumb – and Maggie Q (passport name: Margaret Quigley) are engaged. The two had apparently been seeing each other on the down-low since last fall, but the jig was up when she rolled in to a Golden Globes afterparty on Sunday night wearing a ring on THAT finger.

The cynic in me is already thinking up headlines for when these two realize they’ve made a terrible mistake and haul ass to Divorce Court, while the sappy bitch who cries during every episode of Say Yest to the Dress in me is already thinking of the romantic ways Maggie Q could take Dylan’s last name. So far I’ve got Maggie QMCD, Maggie Q-D, and Maggie Q Mulroney. Wait, who the fuck is she marrying again? Madonna’s sperm donor from The Next Best Thing, right? Goddamnit, I did it again.

The Slut Dress’s Sluttier Cousin Made An Appearance At The Divergent Premiere

I guess the Slut Dress had a more important, classier engagement last night (hosting a pool party in Vegas, then giving a lap dance to a Saudi prince in exchange for vouchers for the Bebe outlet) so she sent her sluttier unemployed cousin, the Skank Dress, in her place to the Divergent premiere in Los Angeles last night.

If Skank Dress looks familiar to you, it’s because you might remember her from a small role in the movie Showgirls. But after spending most of her earnings on fixing numerous botched alterations, she had to make ends meet by getting into unlicensed Brazilian waxing and was eventually busted during a Craigslist sting. So it’s really nice to see her finally get some honest work on the body of Maggie Q. Sadly, Skank Dress was unceremoniously upstaged by human bundle of patchouli-scented sage, Shailene Woodley, and her homage to sun-kissed pubes:

It’s like she said to her stylist: “I want a dress that embodies the spirit of two pube-covered pussy lips freshly spritzed with Tropical Breeze Sun-In glistening in the hot summer sun.” Good on Shay-Lean for not only talking the talk, but walking the walk…and also for not walking the walk in those fucking toe shoes.

Here’s more of Skank Dress (and Maggie Q, but let’s be honest, she’s not the important one here) and Shay-Lean, as well as Kate Winslet, part-time James Franco impersonator Theo James, the most over-it girl at David Goldstein’s 90210-themed bar mitzvah Zoë Kravitz, and Jaden Smith, who looks like he’s traded in his signature constipated face for a shit-eating grin and the leftover wardrobe from a New Radicals music video.

Pics: Splash