Madonna just opened up a state-of-the-art children’s hospital in Malawi, the home country of her four adopted children; 11 year olds David and Mercy, and more recently, 5-year-old twins Estere and Stella. In a recent interview with People, Madonna vehemently denies that she’s the baby snatching celebrity she-devil she was made out to be in the wake of the controversy surrounding her adoption of David back in 2008.
The sexual prowess of Madonna’s latest youthful conquest, 31-year-old Portuguese model Kevin Sampaio, must be on point. Because Madge, 58, up and moved herself and the kids to Lisbon, Portugal! The official story is that she ended her last tour there and fell in love with the place. But it’s also possible that she envisioned an unending supply of gorgeous young Portuguese men to suck the youth and vitality out of in order to achieve her goal of immortality.
Because Lady Gaga is the Jennifer Jason Leigh to Madonna’s Bridget Fonda in the Single White Female charade known as pop music, it’s well past time to drop her video extravaganza EXPOSÉ. You know, the kind that goes behind closed doors and lets us fans and nosy assholes see what it’s like when the curtain goes down, the corset comes off, and she lets out the queef she’s been holding in since she belted out “Poker Face” two songs into her set at the Staples Center. She’s dropping a documentary about herself called Five Foot Two on Netflix on September 22, and a slew of clips are all over her Instagram.
Madonna turned 59 yesterday and she celebrated by posting a feisty video of herself and her wobbly boobies singing “B-Day Song” off her MDNA album. She forgot the lyrics, though. There is an opportunity here to make some sort of ageist joke about how she’s approaching senior citizenhood, so it makes sense that she’s forgetting lyrics now. But I won’t make it, goddamnit! I’m going to be 59 someday. So are you! Birthdays are stupid and Madge proves that we can keep rockin’ forever. As long as we have the correct Instagram filters because her face is as smooth as porcelain. It actually might be porcelain. She’s a billionaire, she can afford all the latest. Like that Willy Wonka as a My Little Pony jockey outfit she’s wearing.
And she doesn’t have to worry about people giving her the business for forgetting the lyrics to that song. Because I’m pretty sure people don’t remember that song or that that MDNA record.
Madonna stopped the drip, drip, drip of her past from continuing to ooze out this week by getting a judge to put a temporary halt on an auction filled with her ghosts of Christmas past. Items like letters Madge wrote claiming Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone were mediocre (blasphemy! That Basic Instinct snatch shot was anything but mediocre!) and even her old panties were up for grabs. Former friend/art (and apparently lingerie) collector Darlene Lutz was behind the auction, and TMZ says she’s swatting back at the Material Girl.
Darlene says she and Madonna settled a bitter dispute back in 2004. While she doesn’t say what the fight was about, I imagine it had something to do with Darlene giving her thoughts on American Life. The panty peddler claims the settlement included her giving Madonna cash and, in return, Madge wouldn’t go after Darlene for anything. That’s more open-ended than a b-hole at Twink Wink in P-town! I have a hard time believing Kabbalah’s favorite Kween would ever pull a punch like that. This is the same hawk who charges $200 for nosebleed seats!
Darlene adds that she has the right to do whatever with Madge’s filthy drawers since they were a gift of sorts courtesy of the United States Postal Service: “If Madonna truly wanted privacy, then mailing her lingerie was not the way to go.” Mailing her panties? Now THAT sounds more like Madge!
Madonna collectors were no doubt very excited for this week. An online auction site called Gotta Have Rock and Roll was planning on selling off a whole lot of Madonna’s old things this morning. Like a letter she received from Tupac while he was in prison, a letter Madonna wrote calling Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone “horribly mediocre,” pictures, sunglasses, a hairbrush with her hair, and Madge’s old panties. Well, you’re not going to hear any stories about a telephone bidder named L. Gaga scooping up the whole lot for “personal research,” because Madonna put a stop to the auction.