Crocs, America’s unofficial shoe of screaming theme park moms and kids with permanent fruit punch mouth. They don’t need celebrity endorsements, because they really sell themselves. What are you going to wear when you’re screaming at your kid that they’ve had enough red juice? But they continue to pay famous people, possibly in hopes that someone will make Crocs seem cool. As it turns out, Crocs found that person in a human that looks a tattooed Fozzie Bear, and he’s done a good job of selling them.
Pop radio these days may sooner play the sounds of an actual cat fight (which oddly does sound like most of Ariana Grande’s new album) over new songs from Cher and Madonna, so those two have to do something to get us to keep paying attention. I mean, not me. “Ray Of Light” and “If I Could Turn Back Time” may as well be certified gay lullabies, but, y’know, some controversy is good for the potential converts out there!
Cher ruined the positive-thoughts-only rule on Ellen DeGeneres’ show the other day by responding to the “Who would you want to work with?” question with “Not Madonna.” Ellen didn’t think that was nice, but Cher doesn’t seem to have given a fuck because she’s taking that sentiment on a world tour and repeating it to the Canadian press.
In a recent appearance on Ellen, Cher reignited a long-standing… something that’s not exactly a feud per se (a feud implies two evenly matched foes)- let’s call it a “difference in approach” between herself and Madonna. Cher, resplendent in elegantly styled Scandinavian ABBA locks, played a game called “The 5-Second Rule” where she quickly had to answer the question “name 5 celebrities you’d want to do a duet with”. Congratulations to Adele and Pink, you made the list! Take a victory lap, make it happen. I would eat those duets up with a rhinestone fork. However, condolences are in order for Madge.
If y’all were hoping to see an Aretha Franklin tribute last night at the VMAs, erm, Madonna gave a long-ass speech in front of a photo of Aretha about her own career and how she once sang “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman.” People got ripshit because Madge was Madge and made it all about her and not really at all about Aretha, but now Madonna has clapped back. Madge said that she wasn’t doing an Aretha tribute – if you want a real tribute, she needs at least a half-hour of cultural appropriation and self-promotion to really do the memorial justice!
Here’s Madonna’s MTV VMAs Tribute To Madonna (Featuring An Aretha Franklin Album She Listened To Once, Or Something)
Anybody who took one look at Madonna’s “rich white lady who listened to Baduizm once” ensemble and said, “nope,” before changing the channel, made the right decision.
Queen Aretha Franklin died not that long ago and she wasn’t really known as a music video artiste, so I wasn’t expecting the MTV to do a tribute extravaganza to her at the VMAs tonight. But if they took an “Aretha Franklin look” wig from Wish, threw it on a stool, and played a warped copy of Respect on a Boombox, it would’ve been a more well thought out tribute than the one that was dry farted out onto the stage. It’s as if the producers of the VMAs said to Madge, “Will you honor the Queen?“, and she figured they were talking about her.
No, that’s not a photo your local funeral director lip-synching for her life in a Stevie Nicks lookalike contest down at the Hard Rock Café. It’s just Madge showing that, at nearly 60, she will never pass up an opportunity to channel Morticia Addams in a push-up bra to summon the youthful spirits of Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj, and whoever else is in her pop star harem to buoy her into top-40 radio. Like Santa, Madonna is always watching, but the gaze has been from afar as of late. Bitch up and moved to Portugal, but it’s not just because she had the hunger for piri piri peen and a new album. She’s a soccer mom and only wants the best for her kids! Continue reading