Madonna turned 59 yesterday and she celebrated by posting a feisty video of herself and her wobbly boobies singing “B-Day Song” off her MDNA album. She forgot the lyrics, though. There is an opportunity here to make some sort of ageist joke about how she’s approaching senior citizenhood, so it makes sense that she’s forgetting lyrics now. But I won’t make it, goddamnit! I’m going to be 59 someday. So are you! Birthdays are stupid and Madge proves that we can keep rockin’ forever. As long as we have the correct Instagram filters because her face is as smooth as porcelain. It actually might be porcelain. She’s a billionaire, she can afford all the latest. Like that Willy Wonka as a My Little Pony jockey outfit she’s wearing.
And she doesn’t have to worry about people giving her the business for forgetting the lyrics to that song. Because I’m pretty sure people don’t remember that song or that that MDNA record.
Madonna stopped the drip, drip, drip of her past from continuing to ooze out this week by getting a judge to put a temporary halt on an auction filled with her ghosts of Christmas past. Items like letters Madge wrote claiming Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone were mediocre (blasphemy! That Basic Instinct snatch shot was anything but mediocre!) and even her old panties were up for grabs. Former friend/art (and apparently lingerie) collector Darlene Lutz was behind the auction, and TMZ says she’s swatting back at the Material Girl.
Darlene says she and Madonna settled a bitter dispute back in 2004. While she doesn’t say what the fight was about, I imagine it had something to do with Darlene giving her thoughts on American Life. The panty peddler claims the settlement included her giving Madonna cash and, in return, Madge wouldn’t go after Darlene for anything. That’s more open-ended than a b-hole at Twink Wink in P-town! I have a hard time believing Kabbalah’s favorite Kween would ever pull a punch like that. This is the same hawk who charges $200 for nosebleed seats!
Darlene adds that she has the right to do whatever with Madge’s filthy drawers since they were a gift of sorts courtesy of the United States Postal Service: “If Madonna truly wanted privacy, then mailing her lingerie was not the way to go.” Mailing her panties? Now THAT sounds more like Madge!
Madonna collectors were no doubt very excited for this week. An online auction site called Gotta Have Rock and Roll was planning on selling off a whole lot of Madonna’s old things this morning. Like a letter she received from Tupac while he was in prison, a letter Madonna wrote calling Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone “horribly mediocre,” pictures, sunglasses, a hairbrush with her hair, and Madge’s old panties. Well, you’re not going to hear any stories about a telephone bidder named L. Gaga scooping up the whole lot for “personal research,” because Madonna put a stop to the auction.
Some of the Madonna memorabilia available for auction next week include the sunglasses she wore in the Lucky Star video, pictures of Madonna rolling around on the floor with a stripper at a bachelorette party, a hair brush with her hair still in it and a pair of “personally worn panties”. However, one item in particular has got people filling their ice trays in preparation for a big ole pitcher of that sweet, sweet tea: A never before seen letter (no not that letter) penned by Madonna some time in the early 90’s in which she calls both Whitney Houston and Sharon Stone “horribly mediocre”.
Two years after Madonna dropped her cooze on legendary rapper Vanilla Ice, she dropped her cooze on another legendary rapper, Tupac. (May the ghost of Tupac slap me in the mouth with all of his rings on for comparing him to Vanilla Ice.) The year was 1994, so this was before blogs existed and so they never got an annoying couple name like TuMad or Tunna. Tupac and Madge didn’t last that long. She moved on to her daughter’s dad, Carlos Leon, and he was murdered in 1996.
TMZ got a hold of a letter that Tupac wrote to Madge from prison on January 15, 1995 at 4:30am. Yes, Tupac was one of those types who gets all sensitive in the morning. The letter is going up for auction later this month and the starting bid is $100,000. TMZ posted a copy of the censored letter, and in it, he wrote about how she hurt him with her words and how he once felt that he’d let down the people who made “Tupac” if he continued to date a white woman like her.
The Daily Mail says that 58-year-old Madonna has moved on from her previous mid-20s piece to a 31-year-old Portuguese model named Kevin Sampaio. The two reportedly on the set of her video for Bitch I’m Madonna, where he got some screen time as a hot dude in his underwear who gets kissed by Madonna at the beginning. Rumors that Madonna was doing Kevin have been around since last month, but The Daily Mail says that Madonna is getting serious about this one (that’s cute, Daily Mail). They claim she is buying a $6 million house in Lisbon where Kevin lives, and has enrolled her son David in a local youth club there. She is also allegedly looking for schools in Lisbon for her youngest kids Stella and Esther.
Madonna has reportedly been trying out Kevin for the past year. She was impressed that he didn’t immediately run to the press after their first date. My guess is he was unable to run due to his hamstrings seizing up after working out in Madonna’s personal gym for six hours. (I assume that’s what Madonna does on first dates).
Kevin also has an identical twin brother named Jonathan. That’s great news for both Madonna and Kevin. Whenever Kevin needs to take a break from feeding Madonna her grapes and massaging her bunions, he can just tap in his brother. Madonna won’t notice the difference, Kevin gets a break, and Jonathan makes a little extra cash. Everyone wins!