Category: Lynne Spears

Clueless The Sequel: Starring Lynne Spears

September 17, 2008 / Posted by:

Meredith Viera interviewed Lynne Spears on “Today” this morning to talk about her new book “Through the Caca.” Basically, Lynne lives in her own world where she bakes cookies all day long like a good mother and really didn’t do anything wrong when raising her kids.

In the clip above, Lynne talks about how she wasn’t a stage mother. Brit Brit pushed her. When Brit started to become a star, Lynne couldn’t travel with her, because she had to stay at home and raise Jamie Lynne. She compares it to sending your kids to college. She said: “You don’t really know what they’re doing in college … just as Britney set out two years earlier to be a star.

She said it was all roses and cupcakes at first, but then it all turned when Brit Brit started to lose it. Lynne said she wasn’t ready for that. Obviously, she wasn’t. That’s why she turned around and walked away. Instead of helping out her crazy daughter, she wrote this shit book!

Lynne can’t fool me with her soft, Southern voice. Bullshit is still pouring out of her mouth.

And in the clip below, Lynne talks about how she was shocked to learn about Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy. I guess she didn’t get the hint when she heard her daughter doing sexy times in the next room.

Lynne found out when Jamie Lynn gave her a note that said she was pregnant. The note totally said: “Dear Ma, I done and got knocked up! Oh wells! Kisses and Possums, Jamie Lynn.

After Lynne read the note, she noticed that Casey’s feet were on the table (ok?) and that he wasn’t looking at her. That’s when she broke down and cried. Yeah, cried tears of joy at the thought of all the millions she was going to make off of this pregnancy!

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Lynne Spears’ Book Is Going To Blow

September 8, 2008 / Posted by:

I hope Lynne Spears is on the phone with fucking Jackie Collins, because it sounds like her book is going to need some major rewrites before its release next week. Last week, it was reported that Lynne wrote about Brit Brit’s drug use, virginity and boozing in her new book. Well, none of that shit is in there. Her book just went from “a good toilet read” to “toilet paper.”

The publisher said that Lynne’s book of crap is not a tell-all or a parenting book. Instead, “Through the Storm” is “an inspirational tale of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life.” If I wanted “inspirational tales,” I’d watch the Hallmark Movie Channel. Seriously, those movies make me want to bake cookies from scratch and turn my apartment into a halfway house for wayward young girls.

Even though Brit Brit’s cherry poppin’ tales aren’t in the book, she’s still pissed off at her mom for releasing it. Page Six reports that she’s only talking to Daddy Spears now. Brit blames Lynne for most of her problems and issues.

Lynne has chitterlings for brains. If you’re going to whore out your kids, at least do it right. Don’t half-ass it! Spill all of their dirty secrets and make sure to include a lot of scandalous pictures! Nobody cares about her stupid “inspirational tales.”

Lynne Spears Is A Wonderful Mother

September 4, 2008 / Posted by:

Lynne Spears’ book should have been called “This is Why Brit Brit Went to the Loony Bin!” The National Enquirer (via The Daily Mail) got a hold of the book before its September 16th release and published a few of Lynne’s amazing parenting tips. The expectant parents out there should take some notes:

Brit Brit started hitting the bottle at the age of 13. This was right after she joined The Mickey Mouse Club. Lynne said she really didn’t care as long as she was around while Brit drank. Don’t blame Lynne! I bet you Donald Duck gave Brit her first Jack & coke. He’s a drunken mess!

When Brit was 14, she started dating some 18-year-old high school footballer. Lynne encouraged it, because she thought it would make Brit more popular. She even let Brit stay at the dude’s house. Well, the dude ended up taking Brit’s virginity when she was just 14.

Brit went to Los Angeles to record her first album when she was 15. That’s when she started doing drugs. Lynne thought she was going through typical teenage issues.

A year later, Brit was caught with coke and weed while trying to board a private jet. She was 16. Not so typical.

That same year, Brit started boinking Justin Timberlake. Lynne let them to sleep together in Brit’s room. She said she knew they were doing it, but allowed it because Brit was “in love.” In love with the dick!

Lynne writes that she wishes she didn’t allow Brit’s career and life to be controlled by managers. They are the ones who turned her into a sex symbol at such a young age.

In the end, Lynne knows the mistakes she made as a parent. She blames herself for her daughter’s breakdown. A bitch who read the book said: “Lynne’s book does a lot of soul-searching on the mistakes she made raising Britney and Jamie Lynn. She says if she had known helping her daughter Britney follow her dreams would cost her her soul, she would never have done it.

None of this shit is that shocking. Most of us did the same crap. Well, almost. Instead of coke, it was expired painkillers and clove ciggies. Instead of a private jet, it was a park bench. Instead of Justin Timberlake, it was the hot Mormon boy down the street who cried after busting a nut. The big difference is that if my mom knew about my shenanigans, I would’ve been thrown into military school. Which might not have been such a bad thing. Dozens of horny dudes in one place? Maybe I should have told her….

What’s disturbing is the fact that Lynne is telling the whole world about this shit for a quick buck. She’s basically screaming “I’M A SHIT MOM! Now give me $24.99!

Lynne, meet Michael Lohan. Michael, meet Lynne Spears.

Through The Cheetos

August 11, 2008 / Posted by:

Lynne Spears has made it “Through the Storm” thanks to a little help from the millions of dollars she’s received from whoring out her kids. Lynne has put her parenting tips into a little book which is due out next week. Whoever buys this book should automatically get a visit from Child Protective Services. Taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears is like….well….like taking parenting advice from Lynne Spears. White Oprah should have been Lynne’s co-author.

And that cover looks like a still from a Massengill commercial from the 80s. I used to be obsessed with those commercials when I was little. “I have to ask you something really personal….”

VIA Allie Is Wired

The Other Spears Girl

February 4, 2008 / Posted by:

Gatecrasher interviewed Brit Brit and Jamie Lynn’s pepaw, June Austin Spears, and he had a lot to say. Give him his own show. I love that his name is June Austin.

Pepaw June talked about why we haven’t seen Jamie Lynn out and about. “Lynne keeps Jamie Lynn hidden. [Lynne is] in denial about the pregnancy. She thinks it’s just going to go away, but it’s not. It’s going to get bigger and bigger.” He then goes on to babble out some other Spears girl, “My granddaughter Tara Ann Ballard is getting married in Baton Rouge in June. I might walk her down the aisle.” he said. “There ain’t gonna be no wedding if I’m not there.

And when asked about the rumors of him shooting at reporters, he sad, “Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. I don’t have a gun permit. I keep it under the front seat of my truck.”

Does he have teeth? When I read his quotes I pictured his gums flapping, but no teeth in sight. I also pictured him drinking a mug of hot Tang. Ship Brit back to Kentwood and bring Pepaw June to Hollywood.

Lynne is doing the right thing by keeping Jamie Lynn locked up. It’s for her own good. Now if she would only do the same for Brit.

And since we’re on the topic, Daddy Spears will be back in court today fighting to keep his place as the Captain of Brit’s finances. Brit’s law firm, Trope and Trope, will ask the judge to change conservators. Britney asked them to, because she doesn’t get along with her daddy. However, the next night Britney asked her daddy to come visit her. Basically, Brit has no idea what she wants. No word yet on who the law firm will suggest replace Daddy Spears as conservators. I’m guessing it rhymes with HAM and smells like a rat.

Daddy Spears Stays Away

December 27, 2007 / Posted by:
 
Jamie Spears stayed in Los Angeles for Christmas and did not spend the holiday with his knocked-up teenage daughter or Lynne Spears. According to UsWeekly Jamie is still pissed off at Lynne for selling their daughter's pregnancy story to Ok! Magazine. A source said that when JL told Lynne about her pregnancy, Lynne immediately suggested they break the story to Ok!  Lynne knows that they pay the most.
 
Jamie is still upset with Lynne, because he works for everything he has. Jamie is a private chef in L.A. A source said, "He doesn't get a dime from his daughters. He busts his ass to take care of himself. That's why he's so furious with Lynne."
 
Jame did see SPF, Britney and JJ though. He'll take crazy over greedy.
 
You never EVER see Daddy Spears in pictures or anything. I once saw him on an episode of "Dr. 90210," because I think he's personal chef to one of the Maloof daughters or some shit like that. He sort of looks like Freddy Krueger, but he seems like the most sane of the Spears, so I'll let him be.
 
 
 
 

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