The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
In 1975, Lynda Carter starred in the Wonder Woman TV show and she played the title role for all 3 seasons. She never got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame during that time.
In 1983, Lynda Carter wowed critics and viewers (I’m guessing) when she starred as the title role in the TV movie Rita Hayworth: The Love Goddess. She never got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for that.
In 1996, Lynda Carter gave an Emmy-worthy performance in the TV movie She Woke Up Pregnant. She never got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame for that either.
It’s 2018, and Lynda Carter has finally gotten her star. What have all of us been doing with our lives as the Hollywood Walk of Fame was Lynda Carter-less? But thankfully, someone finally did the lord’s work by paying for 66-year-old Lynda to get her star in Hollywood yesterday. Lynda’s husband Robert Altman (not that Robert Altman, he died in 2006), her kids Jessica and James Altman, and the director of the Wonder Woman movie Patty Jenkins all came out for the ceremony.
Not only did Lynda speak at the ceremony and gently hump everyone’s eyeballs with her beauty, but she also gave them a pose show. While Wonder Woman needed a lasso and cuffs to take down the Nazis, Lynda just needs her pose skills. Lynda’s poses were so powerful that they traveled back in time and knocked the Nazis out.
The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
A couple of months ago, James Cameron opined that the most recent Patty Jenkins helmed blockbuster Wonder Woman, starring Gal Gadot, was a step back for women everywhere because Gal has nice tits. Recently, James was out promoting Avatar 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8 (7 will go straight to streaming) and decided to show the world what a real feminist looks like and doubled down on his criticism of Patty’s “too hot for basement dwelling neckbeards to handle” film. Thankfully Lynda Carter, a true feminist icon, was there to titty slap James across the face.
According to People Magazine, TV’s original Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter, is ready and willing to make an appearance in inevitable follow up to this summer’s hit, the Wonder Woman film version starring Gal Gadot. In fact, Lynda said “we were trying to get me in the first one and we couldn’t make it work with our timing.” She’s already discussed a possible role in the “all but confirmed” sequel with director Patty Jenkins.
This picture also features a lady making the exact same face I made after hearing that Lynda Carter was not playing Wonder Woman in the Wonder Woman movie. (Truth talk: She’s probably throwing a stanky side-eye at Chris Pine in half-assed Westworld cosplay. See: the gallery below)
Wonder Woman had its Hollywood premiere at the Pantages Theater last night, Lynda Carter was gracious enough to bestow her star power upon that shit by showing up, even though the movie makers did her wrong by not putting her in the movie at all. (Although, I am hoping that the director Patty Jenkins righted that highly illegal wrong by adding a post-credits scene where Wonder Woman buys her first invisible plane from Amazonian salesladies played by Lynda and my second favorite WW, Cathy Lee Crosby.)
Wonder Woman doesn’t come out until next week, so full reviews aren’t out yet, but the first reactions came out and many said that it’s the best DCEU movie since The Dark Knight. I hope it’s good since some of us have been waiting for centuries for a Wonder Woman movie, but saying it’s the best DCEU movie in a while ain’t saying much. If DC put out a movie that was nothing but a 90-minute shot of a dried turd in a cape, it’d be the best DCEU movie since The Dark Knight.
And now here’s more of LYNDA FUCKING CARTER, Gal Gadot and the rest of the cast of WW last night.