Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
Here’s Luke Evans (he’s Gaston in that Beauty and the Beast live-action movie) working an armpit pussy and sunning his pierced nipples with a hot beefy friend in Miami today. Luke’s nip jewelry reminds me of something… My friend had a pierced nipple and when he went snorkeling in the Caribbean, or somewhere like that, someone in his group said that barracudas like shiny things and so his tit knob may end up in a fish’s mouth. Those kinky ass nipple ring-biting barracudas. So as I’m typing this, I’m sure John Travolta is flying his ass to Miami where he’ll rent a barracuda costume and swim through the ocean looking for a shiny nip.
With just a few words, Tom Hiddleston has guaranteed that his movie Crimson Peak will make at least $500 million in its opening weekend, because his horny fans will pay to see multiple showings so they can experience multiple genital squirts while seeing his blown-up ass cheeks on an IMAX (more like clIMAX) screen. While promoting Crimson Peak during an interview with E!, Tom said that his porcelain peaks make an appearance in the movie, because lady nipples show up in movies all the time and he feels like it’s time to balance it out with more man parts.
“It’s so often in movies that women are more naked than men and that’s unfair. We wanted to sort of redress the balance. I didn’t have a problem with the nakedness because I felt that there’s always been a strain of sexuality in Gothic romance as much as there has been the fear of death and the threat of violence. It’s a very violent film and I felt like we needed to balance that. So if we’re going to bring up the violence we needed to bring up the sense of sexuality.”
I’m with Tom and I’m all for his “More Naked Dudes” movement, but just showing his ass isn’t going to balance things. Millions of movies have servings of man ass in it. I’ll just name a few (just a few): Showgirls, Magic Mike, Magic Mike XXL, Shame, Troy, The Terminator, American Gigolo, Demolition Man, Love and Other Drugs, American Psycho, In The Cut, Friends with Benefits, The Wolf of Wall Street, The Full Monty, Die Hard 2, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Lethal Weapon, Blue Velvet and Starship Troopers.
And that’s just what’s in my head. That’s not even 1/4th of what’s in the file folder on my desktop titled “Man Ass In Movies.” So if Tom really wants to be at the forefront of equality, he needs to show his rock hard peen under bright lights and in front of a 3D camera. Do it, Tom! Do it for feminism!
And here’s Tom with Luke Evans and a lubed-up Sienna Miller at the premiere and photo call for his other new movie High Rise at the San Sebastian International Film Festival in Spain.
No one’s slick as Gaston
No one’s quick as Gaston
No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there’s no man in town half as manly!
Based on those lyrics alone, Russell Tovey should play Gaston since he’s as manly as manly can be. But the role is probably going to 35-year-old Welsh hot piece Luke Evans who was in Dracula Untold, Immortals, Fast & Furious 6 and that Hobbit shit, and he’s the guy whose publicist really needs to take his fame to the next level by leaking a sex tape with his “rumored” boyfriend Jon Kortajarena.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Luke is in talks to play Gaston opposite Emma Watson as Belle in that movie where some home intruder breaks into a castle to save her dad and ends up falling in love with an animal with the help of some inanimate objects she makes friends with. Emma Thompson has apparently been offered the role of Mrs. Potts. The live-action Beauty and the Beast movie will shoot later this year and Bill Condon, who directed Dreamgirls and two of the Twatlight movies, will direct.
Luke Evans was in Rent, Taboo and Avenue Q in London, so I guess his ass can sing. (Yes, I too pictured his actual asshole singing songs from Rent.) Any movie where Luke Evans wears tights and yodels is my kind of movie, but I still don’t think he should’ve gotten that role. That role obviously belongs to one dude and one dude only:
He’s already got the wig, costume and knows the lines! He needs to call 911 now, because he was robbed.