Lionel Richie’s skills as an American Idol judge are landing him about $15 million less than Katy Perry, a fucked financial move that still has Suze Orman hooked up to an oxygen tank. But that doesn’t mean he’s resting on his laurels. Lionel has a trademarked phrase, and he’s ready to print and sell it on anything that will sit still long enough! Continue reading
It appears Lionel Richie will complete the new American Idol triumvirate with Katy Perry and Luke Bryan, and it’s not soon enough! As in, filming starts Tuesday. Seriously, it was beginning to feel like it’d be easier to get Donald Trump to throw Hillary Clinton onto the Supreme Court judging panel than it was to find any music act to go on American Idol.
TMZ says Lionel is getting about $10 million to listen to pitchy blondes from Nebraska try and make it as a STAH! Luke is getting around $13 million. Ryan Seacrest is going to have $10-15 million to spend on blonde highlights. And we all know producers are breathing into a brown paper bag over spending $25 million on the Witness chanteuse. When Idol went off the air all of five minutes ago, one of the biggest gripes was how expensive it was to lure acts like Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey on the panel (“When I’m having a judging moment, it doesn’t come cheap, Daaaaaahling.” –Mariah). So ABC is doing a GREAT job at keeping things cheap and chintzy this time around!
The line-up could be announced as early as today, but a source close to production said it could get held up if lawyers start nitpicking details. Hmmm maybe details like how in FUCK is the man behind “We Are The World” and hump hit “Endless Love” worth $15 million less than the chick behind Kitty Purry??
I can’t believe it. The day I (and let’s face it, American Idol producers too, probably) thought wasn’t going to happen has happened. American Idol has found a second judge. Sure, they’re literally one week away from judging begins and they still don’t have a third, but let’s not get bogged down by inconvenient technicalities.
It’s been two years since we covered Luke Bryan, the country-fried tailgate party version of Tom Cruise. The last time we saw him he had taken a tumble off the stage and into my heart. Nothing makes me bust a gut like a famous person falling on their ass or face! Well, speaking of busting things at concerts, Luke took his angry little hands to a mouthy fan’s face at his concert on Wednesday.
That high-pitched dog whistle sound you just heard was Ariana Grande Latte gleefully squealing “karma’s a biiiiiiitch” at her highest register as she watched the video of country singer Luke Bryan falling off the stage during a concert in Charlotte, NC on Thursday night.
Luke Bryan was in the middle of singing Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us” (why? + wut? = I have no fucking idea) when he stepped a little too close to the edge of the stage and bailed. Luckily he was alright (TMZ says he had to get a couple stitches but he’s fine). He climbed back up and joked to the crowd that the last time he was in North Carolina he busted his ass on stage as well. There must be something in the North Carolina water to make him so tipsy; is NC getting moonshine run-off from Virginia?
I decided to re-watch it a couple of times as a reminder to always watch where I’m going when I walk down the stairs so that I don’t pull a Luke Bryan and end up in the ER with a doctor giving me ‘Uh huh, sure you broke you ass falling down the stairs’ attitude. But I discovered why Luke fell. It was too damn dark! Dear Luke: to prevent another slip and fall accident in the future, place your glowing sunset-colored wife Caroline front row center to act as a human night-light and illuminate the lip of the stage.
“Bitch stole my look!” – Grumpy Cat
At last night’s iHateRadio (autocorrect that stays) Music Awards, country singer Luke Bryan – the over-it dude in black to the left of a confused-looking Blake Shelton – let his face tell us exactly what he thought of Ariana Grande Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino’s performance with a look that made my downstairs parts tingle with sadistic glee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone frown so hard; it almost looks like the right corner of his mouth is reaching for something it can use to put Luke Bryan out of his misery. “Juuuuust a little closer…I think I can reach that broken wine glass.”
Normally Ariana Grande Cup Filled With Tap Water (she’s too basic to be a Frappuccino) doesn’t bother me that much (jk, she’s suuupes annoying) but I had the exact same reaction as Luke Bryan when I watched her perform “Problem”. There’s something about a toddler-face in a pair of hooker boots that feels all kinds of not-right to me. Not to mention those busted baby dance moves at the 1:56 mark; the whole thing made me feel like I was watching a crossover episode between Toddlers & Tiaras and To Catch a Predator:
Then again, I’m sure if I watched Ariana Grande Tap Water’s performance a little less sober than I am now, I bet I would find it as funny as Bad Gal RiRi thought it was. I love imaging a wine-drunk Rihanna watching Ariana’s performance and whispering to the person next to her “Duuuuude…that baby prostitute is a pretty good dancer”
But back to Luke Bryan and his amazing NOPE face. After Luke was caught on camera showing us what he looks like when he’d rather be getting a lube-less rectal exam than watch jail bait bust out some Mall of America moves, he tweeted:
“Wow me concentrating doesn’t look good”
And I don’t think that’s an excuse – I really think he was concentrating. He was trying to pull a Carrie and concentrate all the telekinetic power in his brain to start a fire in the Shrine Auditorium so he could get the fuck out of there.
Here’s more of a pre-frown Luke Bryan and his beautiful sunset-colored wife Caroline arriving at the iHeartRadio Music Awards: