George and Amal Clooney are still LARPing as our generation’s JFK and Jackie. And that means the clock has started on the non-stop baby news. As we know, Amal is pregnant with twins (which is SO in right now). George’s friend Matt Damon is starting to do press for The Great Wall just as the news of the Clooney twins broke. Matt told Entertainment Tonight Canada that he knew about the twins waaaaay before everyone else did, and he almost cried. Probably because he knew the end of the world is upon us now we’ve seen the final sign of the apocalypse (aka the news that George Clooney is going be a father).
And today I learned that Jessica Paré’s baby daddy John Kastner sort of looks like what you’d get if that sneaky snake Pete Campbell got Don Draper hooked on peyote and abandoned him at a spiritual retreat in the desert during a SCDP business trip. Oh shit, did I just spoil the ending to Man Men for myself?
But back to Megan from Mad Men. For those of you thinking “Wait, Megan from Mad Men was pregnant?” – yes she was, and yesterday her boyfriend posted a picture of his 8-year-old daughter holding the baby they made together to Instagram with the caption:
“Please meet Blues Anthony Paré Kastner…“
This is Jessica’s first kid and John’s second.
Jessica and John (born name: Jean-Guy) are both French Canadian, so I’m personally shocked that they didn’t name their new baby something ultra-Québécois. I’m barely 1/16th French Canadian, but every time I think about naming something like a fish or a plant, my mind immediately goes to Céline or Étienne or Jean-Luc Guy de la Guy. But Blues is fine, I guess. Also if you switch his names around, you get Tony Blues, which sounds like the name of a street tough in a movie about 1950s denim gangs, and let’s be honest – that’s a pretty cool nickname.
And maybe if Baby Blues is lucky, his first stop on his way home from the hospital will be to visit mommy’s hot pretend husband Jon Hamm. Is it weird that I just wished I could pull a Freaky Friday with a baby?
Fairy godmothers everywhere probably just started texting all the other fairy godmothers about how they might as well quit, because it’s only a matter of time before Tracy Flick’s more ambitious cousin Taylor Swift puts them out of a job. “I heard she rented out the Eiffel Tower so her godchild could have a private pizza dinner with Beyonce. The last thing I did for mine was turn a pumpkin into a coach. I can’t compete with that!”
The most adult member of Taylor Swift’s popular high school girls clique, Jaime King, is currently knocked up with her second child, and she decided to ask Tay Tay to be the baby’s godmother. Congrats, baby – you won the lottery, and you’re not even born yet! Taylor announced the news by posting a picture of her rubbing on Jaime’s pregnant stomach to Instagram last night with the caption: “Guess who just got named Godmother of this little one….. (ME)“. And Jaime double-confirmed the news by posting the following:
That looks like 97% of the awkward amateur photographer pregnancy photo shoots I’ve seen on Facebook. The only thing that’s missing is a giant script font watermark in the lower right-hand corner, Jaime making a heart shape with her hands, and Taylor looking like she just got called up from the basement where she was playing Xbox live (ie. shirtless with jeans and a look that says “Are we almost done?“).