Category: Local News Fuck-Up

Lupe Fiasco Did Exactly What You’d Expect Lupe Fiasco To Do At An Inauguration Concert And He Got Thrown Off The Stage For It

January 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Rapper Lupe Fiasco has been on the Fuck Obama train for a while now and he’s known for not holding back his thoughts on the President. Lupe Fiasco has called Obama a “terrorist” who “killed children” by ordering drone attacks. So who ever booked Lupe’s ass for the StartUp RockOn Inauguration Celebration at Hamilton Live in DC last night either doesn’t know how Google works or knew what they were doing and wanted some easy publicity. Because during his set, Lupe Fiasco pulled a Lupe Fiasco by repeating a verse from his anti-war song “Words I Never Said” over and over again for 30 minutes. These are the lyrics Lupe rapped out on repeat:

Limbaugh is a racist/ Glenn Beck is a racist/ Gaza Strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit/ That’s why I didn’t vote for him, next one either

The organizers told Lupe to keep it moving, but he didn’t and just kept repeating those lyrics. The organizers finally pulled everyone out of the 30 minute-long anti-Obama tornado by flipping off the lights and turning off Lupe’s mic. Lupe was then escorted off the stage. The organizers later issued a statement to HyperVocal saying that they didn’t put Lupe on the curb because of his anti-Obama views, they put him on the curb because he was a broken record and they needed to keep it moving.

“Lupe Fiasco performed at this private event, and as you may have read, he left the stage earlier than we had planned. But Lupe Fiasco was not “kicked off stage” for an “anti-Obama rant.” We are staunch supporters of free speech, and free political speech. This was not about his opinions. Instead, after a bizarrely repetitive, jarring performance that left the crowd vocally dissatisfied, organizers decided to move on to the next act.”

The hell did these bitches expect? This is like me inviting Victoria Jackson to officiate my gay wedding and then acting all surprised when she says, “Do you Michael take Anderson Cooper to be your seat partner on the Sodomy Express to Hell where your souls will burn for the rest of eternity for making God mad?” (SPOILER ALERT: I’d still say “I do!“)

And on that note, Happy MLK Day and Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

via Buzzfeed

Obama’s Biggest Fangirls Will Perform At His Inauguration

January 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Beyonce is looking like me when I’m patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West’s (that’s what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the “National Anthem” I’m talking about is not “Single Ladies.” I’m talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out “At Last” at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama’s ears the right way, because he asked her back. I’m sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce’s lace front edges will curl when she sings the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul’s former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin’s legendary hat when she sings “My Country Tis Of Thee” (SPOILER ALERT: she won’t). James Taylor will sing “America The Beautiful.”

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That’s not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem – Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) –  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

‘Murica The Beautimous – Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June’s chins like a harmonica

That’s what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I’m sure that right after Beyonce’s performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, “I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped.

President Obama Is Time Magazine’s Person Of The Year Again

December 19, 2012 / Posted by:

For the second time in four years, President Obama was declared the Person of the Year by Time Magazine. 4Chan tried hard to get Kim Jong-un the title and he did win the reader’s poll thanks to them, but I guess Sasha and Malia stuffed the ballots faster than 4Chan ever could, because Obama’s got this. George W. Bush is the only other person who got the title twice. Obama didn’t get Person of the Year, because we found out that he’s Spider-Man’s true arch rival. Time gave it to Obama, because he’s forging something and turning something into something. I don’t know! I don’t speak smart people talk. If you do (then you shouldn’t be reading this cell-burning blog), here’s how Time explained their decision:

At the end of Invisible Man, Ralph Ellison’s great 1952 novel about racial injustice, the central character says, “America is woven of many strands; I would recognize them and let it so remain … Our fate is to become one, and yet many — This is not prophecy, but description.” Just 12 years ago, Obama was so invisible that he attended the 2000 Democratic National Convention in L.A. and watched it on the Jumbotron in the Staples Center parking lot. Today he is universally visible — and known. But he would agree with Ellison’s observation that this change is indeed description and not prophecy. The new America is not so much the old e pluribus unum — out of many, one — but, as Ellison says, one and yet many. That is Obama’s America. For finding and forging a new majority, for turning weakness into opportunity and for seeking, amid great adversity, to create a more perfect union, Barack Obama is TIME’s 2012 Person of the Year.

I approve of Time’s decision and mainly because it’s going to make Victoria Jackson’s head spin off of her neck and roll into the Florida swamp. That being said, if I chose Time’s Person of the Year, their cover would look like this:

My runners-up would be: Sweet Brown, Jon Hamm’s Hamm Log, John Travolta’s hungry anus, Grumpy Cat and The Hot Dog Hooker.

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And With This, The “Not Impressed” Meme Can Officially Retire

November 17, 2012 / Posted by:

When Olympic gold medal winning gymnast McKayla Maroney and President Obama got together at the White House, they just had to make the face that made her an overnight meme star. (It’s also the same look your chocha makes whenever Todd Akin opens his mouth.)

And there’s the grand finale of the McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed Meme. Stand up, clap as the curtain goes down, make your way out of the theater and make sure to get your parking validated before you leave the building, because this shit is done. Fin!

via Flickr

Bo Obama Doesn’t Have To Move Out Of The White House!

November 6, 2012 / Posted by:

Bo Obama doesn’t have to have to fill his bandana with his collection of leis and tie it to a stick, because he’s staying in the White House for another four years!!! YAASSSS!

In other news, I don’t have a CA weed card yet, so I’m filling my bandana with my bong collection, tying it to a stick and moving to Colorado! UPDATE: Or I’ll move to Washington!

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Jon’s Hammaconda Endorses Obama

November 6, 2012 / Posted by:

I know, ANOTHER post about this election shit. But this one isn’t really about the election. It’s an excuse to post this picture of Jon Hamm’s hamm log getting all patriotic and shit at an Obama rally. You can’t tell from this picture, but Jon’s obese crotch hose is wearing an Uncle Sam top hat.

So, Jon Hamm spent his weekend campaigning for Obama and Tumblr-er Frankenteen (via Buzzfeed) was at one of those rallies and transcribed the speech he gave:

“I had a 13 year old girl come up to me in Colorado -this is a dead true story- and say, ‘Well, you’re a wealthy white male… why are you here?’ And I was like, first of all, that’s the greatest question I’ve been asked on this entire tour. But secondly, she had conflated somehow in her head that only people vote for their own kind. And I made sure to tell her that that’s absolutely not the case. I vote for what I think is best for all of us. Not simply for me. And that’s unfortunately the message that the other side wants to get across, is you just take care of yourself and you build a fence around yourself and no one else gets help. That’s not how I was raised, that’s not the America I wanna live in and that’s not the America that I believe in.”

Jon Hamm didn’t say the other reason why he’s rallying for Obama. One day while he was spooning with his dick, his peen turned its head around and nuzzled into his neck for a second before whispering in his ear, “Vote for Obama, it’ll make me extra happy for the next for the next four years.” This is a very important endorsement since Jon’s Hammcock is the current sitting President of West Coast Peens.

And here’s Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt leaving Little Dom’s restaurant in L.A. last night. If Obama wins this election, Jon Hamm better take to the streets to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on his extra long skin harmonica (hammonica?).

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