I have always said that what every morning show needs is more dick and someone in Denver heard my prayers. While reporting on the tragic helicopter crash in Seattle today, the morning crew at Denver’s Fox affiliate KDVR were scrolling through some pictures on Twitter together when they came across Edward Scissorhands and a semi-excited peen just hanging out of a pair of pants. It was like a scene straight out of the Good Morning, Thetans show on SCCN (Scientology Celebrity Centre Network). Three out of four of the anchors made an open-mouthed Oh face (Side note: I too open my mouth wide whenever I see a peen) and the dude scrolling through the pictures tried the “If I don’t acknowledge it, it didn’t happen” tactic. I really have dick on the brain all the time, because I thought that wart-covered peen was pretty damn thick until I realized I was looking at an omelette stuffed with spaghetti, or something. That’s what happens when you constantly look at life through dick-colored glasses.
Since YouTube is prejudiced against peen, they’ve been yanking down the clip left and right, but thanks to Buzzfeed, there’s a NSFW Vine of this priceless moment and it’s after the jump. WARNING: Dick and a hairless man crotch ahead. Continue reading
Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin’s hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!
If you’re one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here’s President Obama’s act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard’s bangs and Tracy Morgan.
Here’s Conan’s act and if you ain’t got time for it, his best line was, “President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other’s positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen.”
I don’t know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn’t invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.
Beyonce and Jay-Z want us all to think that President Obama makes them friendship bracelets in their spare time and when he’s feeling lonely, he clutches half of the Friends Forever necklace they gave him and thinks of them. Jay-Z bragged in his song “Open Letter” about getting White House clearance to go to Cuba, but Obama said otherwise and put those name-dropping hos in their place.
Because she’s a serious journalist, Today’s Savannah Guthrie asked Obama the question that’s on everyone’s mind: What does he think about Jay-Z’s song and is it true he gave them permission to go to Cuba? (Ann Curry would NEVER. Actually, Ann Curry probably would.) Obama told Savannah that Bey-Z’s trip to Cuba is bronchitis to his Sweet Brown. He ain’t got time for that.
“I wasn’t familiar that they were taking the trip. My understanding is I think they went through a group that organizes these educational trips down to Cuba….. You know, this is not something the White House was involved with. We’ve got better things to do.”
He told them. How I wish that right after he said that last line, he popped open a fan and fanned himself Kenya Moore-style.
In possibly related news, a letter sent to Obama tested positive for the poison ricin. They better check to see if that letter was postmarked from the basement, because I don’t even want to know what Basement Baby had to do to earn a day pass to go to Coachella this past weekend.
Don’t mess with The Camel or he’ll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called “Open Letter” where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the “Bob Dylan of rap” and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it’s because Jay-Z’s ego just got 500 tons bigger.
Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In “Open Letter,” Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.
I done turned Havana to Atlanta
Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y’all, I don’t agree with y’all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime
I’m in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it’s from China, the very mic that I’m using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You’re an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today
Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.
Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would’ve brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin’ dweeb
I still own the building, I’m still keeping my seat
Y’all buy that bullshit, you’d better keep your receipt
And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama’s response to the Cuba shit:
Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don’t need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach
So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah… We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z’s other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!
CNN is showing scenes from the Inaugural Ball and the DJ played “Let The Music Play” for the crowd. How I wish the camera would’ve panned to Michelle Obama dancing on top of a go-go box as a strobe light flickered behind her. I really hope the DJ plays “When I Hear Music” next.
Anderson Cooper, Piers Morgan and a bunch of fashion-loving queens of CNN lost their minds, found their minds and lost their minds again when Michelle Obama sashayed out tonight wearing A DRESS by designer Jason Wu! Michelle Obama chose a Jason Wu dress for her last Inaugural gown, so how could she wear a Jason Wu dress again? The main fashion bitch on CNN slapped herself and pinched her titty, because she couldn’t believe that Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu for a second Inauguration. This has never happened! This is history in the making! This changes everything! The world stopped, Mel Gibson hugged a Jew, Lindsay Lohan put down the vodka bottle for a second, John Travolta slipped Kelly Preston the tongue without getting the heaves and it’s all because Michelle Obama wore Jason Wu AGAIN! As soon as you pick the pieces of your brain off the floor and stick them back in your head through your ear holes, watch Michelle Obama’s HISTORIC!!! gown in action:
Usually, I’m not really into the First Lady’s Inauguration gown, because I only like gowns that are covered in rhinestones, see-through or slit all the way up to the left nipple (aka classy ones), but I kind of like this one. But I have a feeling that in a few weeks, I’ll be doing Michelle Obama’s signature “side eye and roll” at this dress, because copy cats of it will be everywhere. You’re going to see on every bridesmaid at every wedding. You’re going to see one on every 11th grade at the prom. And I’m sure that right now, my cousin has pulled a white halter dress out of her closet, dyed it red and has glued patches of crushed velvet all over it. I just hope she doesn’t wear it with her clip-on bangs. Not today. Not ever.
Above is President Obama’s #1 fangirl waaaaah-awwwww-eeeeee-waaaaah-ing her way through the Star Spangled Banner at the Inauguration today. Beyonce pulled her earpiece out halfway through, because if you really want to look like you’re seriously singing, pull your earpiece out halfway through. Beyonce also pulled it out, because she was yodeling so damn much that it was about to pop out of her ear anyway.
Below is Ron Paul’s #1 fangirl Kelly Clarkson singing My Country ‘Tis Of Thee. Kelly sang the skin on her tonsils off, but just like stars on the American flag and a single tear drop on an eagle’s cheek, this song is not complete without Aretha Franklin’s national treasure of a hat. Kelly definitely needed to put a bow on it.