Lindsay Lohan Will Party In Brazil Before Going To Rehab

Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she’s going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy’s show Anger Management, she’s taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably “lose” her passport or she’s going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they’re stuck with her ass.

LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah’s offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan’s internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ’s source’s name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she’s probably exaggerating as usual and by “six-figures” she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.

In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn’t think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she’s been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn’t want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo’s throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn’t want any booze bottles on the table.

TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.

Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can’t do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.

But Doesn’t Lindsay Lohan Always Smell Like Booze?

TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn’t driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn’t give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn’t want to deal with broken equipment. They didn’t give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there’s nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I’d be on death row.) They also didn’t give her a sobriety test, because they knew she’d fail and they’d waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.

Before LiLo’s dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she’d rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo’s new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that’ll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today…maybe.

So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she’s still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah’s snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.

And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can’t the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)

What Happens When You Let Lindsay Lohan Borrow A Designer Dress

Even the Salvation Army shouldn’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress unless they don’t want it back or are okay with it coming back to them drenched in bottom shelf vodka and covered with the blood splatters of some chick she hit in the face with a bottle. The only real reason to let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress is if you’ve taken a $1 million life insurance policy (they really should sell life insurance policies for dresses) out on it and you want it to disappear off the face of the planet so you can cash in. But Lindsay Lohan’s own personal Captain-Save-A-Ho Charlie Sheen helped a trick out again by sweet talking stylist Phillip Bloch into getting her a dress for an amFAR event two weeks ago. LiLo wore a beaded dress from Theia that cost $1,750. When Theia got the dress back, it was in the same state as Lindsay Lohan’s career:

HAHAHAHAHAHA! That dress is just a tattered pile of tragicness. It’s like a dress version of White Oprah.

You’re close if you’re thinking that LiLo’s dress looks like that because after she spilled some whiskey on it, a pack of drunk wolves attacked her and dragged her into an alley where a high-speed dump truck ran into her, sending her flying into a trash can fireplace. A source tells UsWeekly that LiLo’s dress looks like that because it ripped at a club after the amFAR event.

“She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress. She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! She’s out of control and behaving really badly.”

Hey, at least they got the dress back and if they shake all the coke residue off of it, they probably have enough for a pretty fat line. Also, they can sell it on eBay as a Lohan original! And yes, White Oprah is going to want a cut of that sale.

Clive Davis Publicly Comes Out As Bi

For those of you who never really thought about the goings-on of Clive Davis’ genitals, then this news might be new to you. But since my brain is made of mushed jizz and I think about the goings-on of EVERYBODY’S genitals,  I’ve read all the rumors about how Clive Davis likes to dip his tongue in the man pond. And in his new memoirs called The Soundtrack of My Life, the man who discovered Whitney Houston writes about his love of poon and peen. (Insert cissyhoustonisnotamused.gif here)

80-year-old Clive has married and divorced two chicks, has four kids and six grandchildren, and writes that he’s been with his man partner for 7 years. Before that, Clive was a dude doctor for 14 years. Clive says that even though his tongue has only tasted peen for the past 21 years, he’s still very much attracted to women. Rolling Stone has the piece from Clive’s memoirs where he talked about how he let out an exhale of relief after he got on his first dick:

Davis, who has been married and divorced twice, has never before publicly addressed his sexuality. In a candid five-page section toward the end of the book, due in stores today, he writes that he first had a sexual encounter with a man during “the era of Studio 54.” “On this night, after imbibing enough alcohol, I was open to responding to his sexual overtures,” writes Davis, who says he had only been with women before. Being with a man, he writes, provided “welcome relief.”

After a period of “soul searching and self-analysis,” Davis separated from his second wife in 1985, and says that he went on to have simultaneous relationships with two women and a man. In 1990, he entered into a “monogamous relationship” with a male doctor, who is not named in the book. Although that relationship ended in 2004, Davis says he has been in a subsequent relationship with another man ever since. Davis writes that his coming out deeply affected his ties with one of his sons, Mitchell: After what Davis calls “one very trying year,” father and son worked out their differences, Davis says.

Well, so now you know. Clive Davis not only fucked dudes and chicks in the music business, but he fucked them in the bedroom too. And I’m sure you had a hard time reading any of that since you were too busy being hypnotized and dazzled by the trifecta of sapphire gorgeousness that Clive is serving up in that picture.

SamRo’s Mother Tells Us Something We Already Knew

“Lindsay Lohan is psychotic” replaced “water is wet” as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson’s British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn’t a euphemism for pussy bumpin’. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn’t going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

“Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home.”

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn’t screaming, because she’s so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter’s old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

Ashton Kutcher Might Be Cheating On Mila Kunis Already

Here’s Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis at the Lakers game at the Staples Center in L.A. last night and there’s a good reason for why she looks like she’s smelling random coochie fumes wafting off of his crotch. Sara Leal, the side trick who Ashton cheated on Demi Moore with, is telling Star Magazine (via HL) that his wandering peen is still wandering from side ho to side ho and one of his side hos is her friend’s friend’s friend.

Sara says that not too long ago one of her friends (let’s call her my favorite name Concepcion) showed her a picture that Concepcion’s friend (let’s call her my other favorite name Chardonnay) sent her. The picture was of Ashton Kutcher in his pajamas and Chardonnay claims that her friend (let’s call her my other other favorite name Everleigh) took it, because Everleigh is doing him part-time. Sara tells Star that she didn’t totally believe Chardonnay at first, but Chardonnay has been inside of Ashton’s house in L.A. when he was there with Everleigh. Sara put it like this:

“It could just be an innocent picture, but I think it’s also possible he’s not dating Mila exclusively. Not just because of that photo, but because he’s cheated before. That would definitely be a red flag for me, if I were dating someone who’d cheated on their wife. I would hate for Mila to have the same experience as Demi. I wouldn’t wish that situation on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If I were Mila, I’d be careful.”

So to recap: Sara thinks Ashton is fucking around on Mila, because she saw a picture of him in his pajamas that Everleigh sent to Chardonnay who sent to Concepcion who showed it to Sarah. CONFUSING! Let’s make this simple: Ashton is doing Mila, Concepcion, Everleigh, Chardonnay and everybody else, because he is a slut who can’t stop slutting. There, glad we could clear that up.

And more importantly, is that Shia LaBeouf’s goddess of a mother next to that slut Ashton?