Brad Pitt Does Some Soul-Searching In Space In The Trailer For “Ad Astra”

First he took a time machine back to 1969, now he’s using a rocket ship to get as far away as possible from his responsibilities here on earth. The lengths William Bradley Pitt will go to to avoid looking like a 55-year-old divorced father of 6 are truly staggering. But what’s the use of being an actor if you can’t use the rich fantasy world created around you to work out some personal issues. In the trailer for Ad Astra, the many times delayed deep space therapy session/adventure, Brad’s character is an astronaut grappling with some daddy issues. Rocket fuel and daddy issues, what could go wrong?

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Open Post: Hosted By Kristin Scott Thomas Giving You “Carrot Top As Mrs. Roper” Hotness

Here I was thinking that the most shocking thing to happen to me today would be the fact that I didn’t immediately try to shove my entire head into a turned-on garbage disposal after I discovered that I was out of coffee this morning. (I kept it together and snorted some green tea instead.) But that moment has been outdone by the fact that I’m sitting here praising the fashion stylings of Kristin Scott Thomas of all people!

I don’t think I’ve ever written a full post on Kristin Scott Thomas, but I’m breaking my KST cherry to slow clap for the crazy rich auntie look she worked at The Naked Heart Foundation’s Fabulous Fund Fair in London last night. That charity event is a big carnival, so Kristin Scott Thomas went with the theme by doing herself up as a fortune-telling Florence Welch who was styled by Edina Monsoon (as GoFugYourself pointed out). Kristin Scott Thomas also looks like that girl from Brave after she grew up, moved to Palm Springs and opened up a mid-century antiques furniture store.

And those people in the background are frozen because they saw all that red hair and thought that Jackie Stallone was in front of them. They’re starstruck, obviously!

And here’s more from last night including pics of Karlie Kloss and Liv Tyler who obviously thought the dress code was: BASIC AND BORING!

Pics: Wenn.com

Liv Tyler Is A Mom Again

It feels like everyone has had a baby this summer. But especially people who were big in the early-to-mid 2000s. Nicky Hilton had a baby. Audrina Patridge had a baby. Norah Jones had a baby. And now we can add Liv Tyler’s name to that list. Yes, technically Empire Records and the music video for “Crazy” qualify her for A+ list status in every decade for the rest of time. But I’m adding her to that group above solely because I think we can all remember the years between 2001 and 2003 when everyone with a long brown wig dressed up as Arwen from Lord of the Rings for Halloween.

But back to that baby. 39-year-old Liv announced on Instagram yesterday that she had recently given birth to the baby put inside her by her fiancé, David Gardner.

?Hello!!!!!? our beautiful baby girl is here !!!!? Lula Rose Gardner ? we are sooooo happy ? heart exploding with love !!!!!? @davidgardner

A photo posted by Liv Tyler (@misslivalittle) on Jul 10, 2016 at 2:43pm PDT

Lula Rose is Liv’s third kid. She and David already have a 17-month-old son named Sailor Gene. Liv also has an 11-year-old son named Milo that she made with her ex-husband Royston Langdon.

Liv seems relatively normal for a famous person. But she was made when a groupie-model mated with Steven Tyler, which kind of explains those baby names. Milo, Sailor, and Lula all sound like people you meet backstage at an Aerosmith concert. Milo is the guy who makes sure Steven’s scarves are tied properly to his microphone stand and that he has enough calcium chews in his dressing room. Sailor is the roadie who tunes the guitars and takes quick 10-minute naps on the toilet. Lula is in charge of making sure the venue has provided everything on Steven’s diva dogs’ rider. “Beggin Strips? Steven’s dogs specifically asked for Snausages.”

Pic: Wenn.com

Liv Tyler Says Justin Theroux’s Bulge Is “Distracting”

File under “DUH” (and also under “FOR WHY didn’t the pap use a telephoto lens??”) (and also under “Thank god no one saw me touch my computer screen just now”). On Wednesday night, Liv Tyler admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she had a difficult time paying attention during Justin Theroux’s jogging scene in the pilot episode of The Leftovers because it looked like her co-star had rented out the crotch of his sweatpants to a family of fat squirrels:

“There was this scene where he was jogging. And there was quite a large bulge in his sweatpants, and it was all over. I get distracted when I watch the pilot, definitely. I’m like, ‘Can’t help but look there.’ But I’ve never noticed the bulge other times.”

Obviously the gold standard for lumpy bulges belongs to Jon Hamm and his incredible two oranges in a plastic shopping bag bulge, but Mr. Jennifer Aniston’s nut pile deserves at least a runner-up ribbon. And I think Liv Tyler might have just discovered a new way to draw in viewers. Just like how The Walking Dead has Talking Dead, The Leftovers could have a talk show called The Lowhangers, where Liv Tyler and guests discuss the bulges featured in the episode they just watched, as well as teasing clips of bulges from next week’s show. You want to know how I know it will be a success? I literally had 0 interest in The Leftovers until I heard the word “bulge”, and then all of a sudden I got the urge to delete old episodes of Mad Men off my computer to make room for an HD rip of the pilot episode. Bulges get viewers!

Pic: Splash

Justin Theroux And Jennifer Aniston Give You “Junior Prom Poses” At The Leftovers Premiere In NYC

The premiere of HBO’s The Leftovers (aka The Others from Lost Move To Long Island) happened in NYC last night and Jennifer Aniston figured it was the perfect time to kill all those break-up rumors her publicist probably leaked himself by getting on Justin Theroux like he was a Cabbage Patch doll knocked up with a litter of Beanie Babies. Jennifer Aniston truly gave the tabloids several gifts. She gave them the perfect picture to use for their “Justin Storms Out! Calls Jen ‘Too Clingy!'” cover story and the perfect picture (see above) for their “Jen Doesn’t Want To Ruin Her Bikini Body! Makes Justin Carry Their Unborn Triplets!” cover story.

Bitches are so orange that they look like two Chick-O-Sticks in fancy clothes. Justin did himself up like a sleazy, traveling hipster preacher who seduces dumb, religious housewives so he can do them hard and steal their TV and purses as they sleep it off. And Jennifer’s skin looked as glowing as ever. Fillers, tequila, chemical peels, Baby Alive slobber, tears and $500 dolphin placenta cream works wonders. I mean, Aveeno and Smart Water. Aveeno and Smart Water works wonders!

Here’s a few more pictures of Justin, Jen and his co-stars Liv Tyler and Amy Brenneman at last night’s premiere. Justin’s beaming like, “Finally, you’re all here for ME,” as the photographers screamed, “Over here, Jen! Over here!”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Arwen And Smaug the Dragon Went To The Movies Last Night

Liv Tyler left the Arclight movie theater in L.A. last night with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch aka Sherlock from the BBC Sherlock aka the long-suffering rich bitch who regularly speaks out about the plight of the wealthy aka the star of Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch.

Liv Tyler was in Lord of the Rings and Benedict does the voice for Smaug the Dragon in The Hobbit, so if they are bumping nipples, this shit is like some bizarre Tolkien fanfic porn. They could be just friends, but if they aren’t, I could see why Liv would want to wrap her legs around Benedict Cumsinbatches’ neck.

To me, Benedict sort of looks like a komodo dragon who disguised itself as a prairie dog and acts like a prairie dog to trick real prairie dogs into trusting it. Benedict even does the same facial expression prairie dogs do when they sense that danger is coming. So when/if Benedict goes down on Liv and he lifts his head up to see if she’s into it, he probably looks like an adorable prairie dog looking to see if the coast is clear. A prairie dog sticking its head out of a hole is my favorite thing to see at the zoo! And Liv gets to see that every time Benedict eats her out. I bet she even throws dead grasshoppers at him when he does a good job. Lucky bitch.