Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
On last night’s episode of The Real Dynasty Wannabes of Beverly Hills (And Encino), a restaurant in Amsterdam turned into the ring of PLOW (The Plastic Ladies Of Wrestling) when Lisa Rinna went after Kim Richards for alluding to having dirt on her husband Harry Hamlin. Lisa Rinna gave her greatest performance since her Depends commercial.
Jerri Blank’s long-lost twin sister Kim Richards has claimed that she’s been sober for 3 months, but during the last few episodes she’s been acting like she has fallen face first off the wagon. Lisa Rinna’s sister died of an overdose and Harry Hamlin has been sober for a few years, so she put on her Captain Save-A-Ho hat and got concerned about Kim’s current state. Kim already told Lisa to keep her nose out of her asshole, but her sobriety came up again during their dinner in Amsterdam last night and the totally natural, unscripted messiness came out.
The cast of The Whore Pit Viper Extravaganza (official name: Celebrity Apprentice) hasn’t been officially announced yet, but Donald Trump’s gang of wrecks met in Las Vegas last weekend for a launch party before shooting starts in NYC, so names have leaked and it’s a mess. I knew Detective La Toya was doing it, but I didn’t know about Gary Busey. It almost reads like the patient list on a sign-in sheet at a crazy house. Here’s the supposed cast list courtesy of Zap2It:
Detective La Toya Jackson: Beauty icon, Bubbles’ confidante and protegee of Sherlock Holmes.
Mark McGrath: The evil and Sun-In-ed minion responsible for that annoying “Fly” song.
Dionne Warwick: Singer, actress, my messenger and alleged friend of the good shit.
Jose Canseco: Former baseball player, former roid aficionado and former Madge victim.
Lil Jon: Rapper and dentist’s nightmare (or dream, depending on the dentist).
Star Jones: A LAWYER and Gay Al Reynolds’ ex purse holder.
Gary Busey: Crazy’s best customer, of course, of course.
Marlee Matlin: Oscar winning actress!!
David Cassidy: The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future.
Niki Taylor: Supermodel and co-host of that Make Me A Supermodel tragedy
Meat Loaf: Like you need to ask….
Nene Leakes: One of the Real Foreclosed Housewives of Atlanta.
Lisa Rinna: Actress, reality star, store owner, and lip abuser.
Richard Hatch: First winner of Survivor, tax cheater and the winner of Mr. Sweet Prison Nalgas ’08.
Hope Dworaczyk: Some trick.
John Rich: One half of the country duo Big & Rich.
Star Jones is going to wish she still had some chunk when NeNe tries to stomp on her in the boardroom. Lil Jon is going to wish he was bald when Gary Busey refuses to stop nibbling on his dreads. And EVERYONE is going to wish they didn’t sign up for this mess when Detective La Toya reveals all of their secrets in front of a roaring fireplace.
When this shit is over Trump Tower will be nothing but dust and all that will be left will be Donald Trump’s hair and one of Gary Busey’s Chiclets. I can’t wait.
After years of making Preparation H tubes ejaculate at the sight of the swollen hemorrhoids on her face, Lisa Rinna has finally done something about it. On Today (via UsWeekly) this morning, Lisa Rinna admitted that in August she went to a dog groomer and asked them to gently stick their thumb in her mouth to squeeze her full anal gland sacs. No, Lisa went to a plastic surgeon who sucked the silicone out of her upper lip. I’m not even going to describe what that smelled like. It’s always too early for that.
Lisa told Meredith Vieira this morning, “My lips started to define who I am. That bothered me… I took a big hit for being honest. It gave everyone online permission to lambaste me. It hurt my feelings.”
Lisa says that her lips are no longer “bumpy and lumpy” like The Situation’s soft dick. Lisa was told that her lips will take up to 6 months to fully heal and smooth out.
FINALLY. It had to be done, because Lisa’s lips really did look like the back of a baboon lounging on its side. Now whenever Harry looks at Lisa when she’s going down on him, he won’t feel like he’s watching the Discovery Channel.
(Image from 8/5/10 via Wireimage)
Those malicious paps are not right for telling Ceiling Eyes to look in the opposite direction of where her “career” is going at last night’s UsWeekly party in Hollywood. Ceiling Eyes is already permanently staring into space, so when she looks up her eyes get stuck.
It took hours before they were able to get her eyes back to the place where they belong. They dropped an anvil on her head. No movement. They dangled a “buy one implant, get one free” coupon below her. Nothing. Things were looking bleak, but then someone got the bright idea to call Spencer Pratt and ask him to stand on a ladder above Ceiling Eyes and flash his chocha at her. Eyes dropped in a millisecond flat. Crisis averted. Spencer saved the day.
Here’s more completely relevant celebrities at last night’s party including: an elegantly dressed Angela Simmons, Bridget Marquardt, Drag Race reject Ciara, future VH1 reality star JLo with Skeletor, Hemorrhoid Rinna, a creature from the herp lagoon, Aubrey O’Wildenstein and Kelly Osbourne with her piece.
In 2004, Liza Minnelli’s former chauffeur M’Hammed Soumayah sued her for $100 million, because he claimed she forced him to cum up her roses. M’Hammed said that Liza not only sexually harassed him, but she spit on him during drunken rampages. According to M’H, Liza threatened to send him to the back of the unemployment line if he didn’t wipe the spit off of his face, rub it on her pussy and make it ziiiiiiing.
Well, the New York Post brings the news that Liza and M’Hammed have settled the $100 million lawsuit for an undisclosed sum. M’Hammed was making around $283,000 as her chauffeur.
The image of Liza playing with her nipples while saying, “It’s M’Hammed Time! You CAN touch this,” is going to get me through the day. Or it might be the death of me.
If they ever made a horror version of My Chauffeur, they can use this story as inspiration.