Thanks To Jason Momoa And Lisa Bonet, You And Your Piece Now Know What You’re Going To Wear For Halloween
Leave to tall drink of Muscle Milk Jason Momoa and Dorian Gray’s sister Lisa Bonet to show us homely bitches that they are so hot that they’re natural hotness cannot be dimmed by some fucked-up outfits on their bodies.
Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet came out for the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night to support Zoe Kravitz who’s in that movie. Jason Momoa showed up looking like the owner of an artisanal craft beer brewery in Bushwick who believes that in a past life he was a Wild West train robber and he doesn’t want to ignore that part of his spirit, so that’s why he dresses like that. Lisa Bonet is dressed like an Olsen at a Great Gatsby-themed funeral. While most people wear black to a funeral, the Olsens wear white, because death pleases them.
You too can get these looks. You won’t look 1/1000th as hot, but you’ll still look a mess. To get Jason Momoa’s “leather daddy Zorro” look, just get a summer job in the Knott’s Berry Farm stunt show and keep the costume. To get the other pieces, just ask one of the more stylish hobos in your neighborhood if you can go through his cart and buy some stuff. To get Lisa Bonet’s look, borrow one of your memaw’s church dresses and pair it with your sheepskin rug from Ikea. I know you have one of those things, because EVERYONE has one of those things. You don’t know how many calories I’ve burned from yanking off one of those Ikea sheepskin rugs from a friend’s dining chair to sit down. Everyone thinks their house needs to look like some shit out of Dwell.
Speaking of yanking, here’s a fap-worthy picture of the new Mad Max Tom Hardy wrapping his luscious larva lips around a straw:
The luckiest straw in the world: That straw is.
And here’s more pictures from last night including some of the Gentle Rose of Graceland, Priscilla Presley, looking more naturally beautiful than ever.
Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.
Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.
Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.
Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.
People says that at Chanel’s pre-Oscar dinner at Madeo on Saturday night, Chris Pine and Zoe Kravitz “got cozy” together. I guess “got cozy” is the new “canoodling.” This isn’t the first time that Oscar’s prettiest weeper and Zoe Kravitz have gotten cozy. They’ve been getting cozy on and off since last year. You might be thinking to yourself that maybe they’re just friends who go to pre-Oscars dinners together, but that’s not possible. In Hollywood, if a pretty dude and a pretty chick go to dinner together, it means they’re obviously licking on each other’s fuck parts. People has more riveting details on Zoe Kravitz and Chris Pine’s history of getting cozy together:
The Star Trek star, 34, and Divergent’s Kravitz, 26, sparked romance rumors last fall, when they hit a Coldplay concert together. Recently, they partied together at Tao Nightclub at Sundance.
I’m surprised they hung out again after the Coldplay concert, because if someone takes you to a Coldplay concert, they obviously don’t care for you and want you to suffer. But seriously, this rumor is going to keep me up at night. I won’t be able to go to sleep, because I’ll be asking myself a very, very tough question. Who am I more jealous of? Zoe Kravitz’s coochie because it’s been maybe touched by the peens attached to Chris Pine and Michasel Fassbender? Or Lisa Bonet’s coochie, because it’s been touched by the peens attached to Jason Momoa and Lenny Kravitz? That is the question that can’t be answered (SPOILER ALERT: Yes, it can. The answer is Lisa Bonet’s cooch.)
Here’s more of Zoe and Chris at the Chanel pre-Oscar dinner and also pictures of her, him and her twin mom Lisa Bonet at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
While hanging outside of a house party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, human mountain of muscles and wolf hair, Jason Momoa, “canoodled” and touched lips with a piece who was not his wife Lisa Bonet. I think this is the best place for me to put the ClairHuxtableSideEyeAndFingerOnChin.GIF.
The NYDN news says that the ginger trick (who sort of gives me shades of Big Brother Rachel) is Jason’s ex-fiancee Simmone MacKinnon. Some source says that this is just a St. Angie and James Haven-style friendly kiss of love and they’re not bumping wet parts. They’re just friends, so Jaleesa doesn’t need to hold Denise’s bag while she whips a whore with her dreads. (Not that Lisa Bonet would give three shits about this.)
You know, those pictures are actually pretty tame and G-rated and not that big of a deal. You can tell that Simmone really does only see his hot ass as a friend. Because every human behavioral scientist will tell you that when greeting Jason Momoa, any peen-loving chick who feels things in her loins would grab her grappling hooks, climb his body, wrap her legs around his neck and say “hello” by kissing him on the mouth with her other lips, and she’d slip him the tongue. So there’s nothing to see here. Moving on!
Here’s Jason Momoa with a side of Zoe Kravitz and a side of Lisa Bonet at the L.A. premiere of Conan the Barbarian, which is a shit show I’ll wait to see in the comfort of my own private space so I can watch his King’s Hawaiian sweet bread pecs bounce in slow motion. But this isn’t about Jason Momoa’s King’s Hawaiian sweet bread pecs, surprisingly. This is about THOSE BROWS!
I’ve given several sermons about Jason’s hairy eye triangles, but I’m still torn. There’s the cholita lover in me that wants to wax them off with one swipe and throw them toward the Klingon homeland of Qo’noS where they belong. But then there’s a part of me that think they look like the gentle waves that carried Jason Momoa to the shores of Hawaii after Neptune made him by mating with a black pearl oyster during a falling star storm. TORN!
While I continue to tear myself apart over this very important eyebrow issue, here’s some more pictures from the premiere of this generation’s He-Man movie including some pictures of Rose McGowan and Rachel Nichols. I’m guessing it rained Crisco in L.A. last night, because everybody looks greasy as all hell. Like they were in the wrong place when Tommy Girl sprayed out a lube fart. Well, everybody but Rose McGowan was greasy. But that’s only because her skin is made of blotting papers. Rose is totally what it would look like if a sculptor with arthritis made a baby powder figure of Dixie Carter.