Zoë Kravitz is in the unenviable position of being the only person in the world who can never have a spot for Lenny Kravitz, Jason Momoa or Lisa Bonet in her spank bank. Having fantasized about all three of them myself, I am really sympathetic to Zoë’s plight. While the disadvantages of that sad, dry reality are obvious, there are a few advantages. One of those is having won the gene lottery and getting the chance to pose nude in homage to your mother on the cover of Rolling Stone. So instead of making things awkward at Thanksgiving by sitting a little too close to her step-father, Zoë took the road less traveled, and took off her clothes.
When dozens of allegations against Bill Cosby came back up in 2015, everyone had an opinion on America’s Dad, including America’s Dad’s children. For example, Rudy Huxtable made it real clear that she loves Bill Cosby, and will most likely be tearfully tossing a Jell-O jiggler onto his coffin when he dies.
Around that time, Zoe Kravitz gave an impromptu statement on behalf of Denise Huxtable (her mom Lisa Bonet), saying that it was news to Lisa and that she was “disgusted and concerned.” Lisa is finally talking for herself, and says she isn’t surprised.
For a very long time, I thought that Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet were lucky and won the marriage lottery. Lisa Bonet was lucky, because who wouldn’t want to brag that they get to curl up next to Jason Momoa ’til death did them part. And Jason Momoa was lucky because he was married to the legend that is Lisa Bonet. The only thing is, they weren’t actually married.
It was generally believed that Jason and Lisa got married back in November of 2007. I don’t know whose anniversary that is, but it’s not theirs. According to People, they got married last month in a “very intimate” ceremony. But UsWeekly’s source says that their wedding was a “big party” at their house in Topanga and a whole bunch of people came from out of town for. The guest list included Lisa’s daughter Zoe Kravitz, Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender, as well as some of Jason’s former co-stars.
Jason and Lisa have two kids together, Lola (10) and Nakoa-Wolf (8). This is Jason’s first marriage, and Lisa’s second after Lenny Kravitz. For years, Jason has referred to Lisa as his “wife” in interviews. But people do that all the time, so it’s not like he was telling the lie of all lies. But still, that one shady mess of a cousin some of us have in our families better not get any ideas from this situation with Jason and Lisa. I know your first marriage was legit, Denise – you already got one waffle maker out of me, you’re not getting a second.
No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”