For a very long time, I thought that Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet were lucky and won the marriage lottery. Lisa Bonet was lucky, because who wouldn’t want to brag that they get to curl up next to Jason Momoa ’til death did them part. And Jason Momoa was lucky because he was married to the legend that is Lisa Bonet. The only thing is, they weren’t actually married.
It was generally believed that Jason and Lisa got married back in November of 2007. I don’t know whose anniversary that is, but it’s not theirs. According to People, they got married last month in a “very intimate” ceremony. But UsWeekly’s source says that their wedding was a “big party” at their house in Topanga and a whole bunch of people came from out of town for. The guest list included Lisa’s daughter Zoe Kravitz, Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender, as well as some of Jason’s former co-stars.
Jason and Lisa have two kids together, Lola (10) and Nakoa-Wolf (8). This is Jason’s first marriage, and Lisa’s second after Lenny Kravitz. For years, Jason has referred to Lisa as his “wife” in interviews. But people do that all the time, so it’s not like he was telling the lie of all lies. But still, that one shady mess of a cousin some of us have in our families better not get any ideas from this situation with Jason and Lisa. I know your first marriage was legit, Denise – you already got one waffle maker out of me, you’re not getting a second.
No, that is not a screen shot of Ben Affleck making the face that his brother Casey Affleck made while jacking it to Vicki the Robot from Small Wonder. I don’t hate you that much.
Ben Affleck was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to whore out his Prohibition turd, Live By Night, and during the interview he pretended to be highly offended over his brother Casey Affleck not thanking him at the Golden Globes on Sunday night. Ben got revenge on Casey for not giving thanks to the trick who made it all possible by burping up embarrassing facts about his brother. One of those embarrassing facts about Casey included him fapping while watching Small Wonder. I blame Casey Affleck for the reason why Jamie Lawson went on to live under a bridge.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
Thanks To Jason Momoa And Lisa Bonet, You And Your Piece Now Know What You’re Going To Wear For Halloween
Leave to tall drink of Muscle Milk Jason Momoa and Dorian Gray’s sister Lisa Bonet to show us homely bitches that they are so hot that they’re natural hotness cannot be dimmed by some fucked-up outfits on their bodies.
Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet came out for the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night to support Zoe Kravitz who’s in that movie. Jason Momoa showed up looking like the owner of an artisanal craft beer brewery in Bushwick who believes that in a past life he was a Wild West train robber and he doesn’t want to ignore that part of his spirit, so that’s why he dresses like that. Lisa Bonet is dressed like an Olsen at a Great Gatsby-themed funeral. While most people wear black to a funeral, the Olsens wear white, because death pleases them.
You too can get these looks. You won’t look 1/1000th as hot, but you’ll still look a mess. To get Jason Momoa’s “leather daddy Zorro” look, just get a summer job in the Knott’s Berry Farm stunt show and keep the costume. To get the other pieces, just ask one of the more stylish hobos in your neighborhood if you can go through his cart and buy some stuff. To get Lisa Bonet’s look, borrow one of your memaw’s church dresses and pair it with your sheepskin rug from Ikea. I know you have one of those things, because EVERYONE has one of those things. You don’t know how many calories I’ve burned from yanking off one of those Ikea sheepskin rugs from a friend’s dining chair to sit down. Everyone thinks their house needs to look like some shit out of Dwell.
Speaking of yanking, here’s a fap-worthy picture of the new Mad Max Tom Hardy wrapping his luscious larva lips around a straw:
The luckiest straw in the world: That straw is.
And here’s more pictures from last night including some of the Gentle Rose of Graceland, Priscilla Presley, looking more naturally beautiful than ever.
Because the theme of last night’s Met Gala was China: Or Whatever You Feel Like Wearing, We Don’t Give A Shit, I thought I’d do some quick internet research to see if legendary panty-dampeners Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet were dressed up as anything in particular. The closest thing I found was something called a jiangshi, which is a Chinese vampire. I have no idea if they’re supposed to be dressed up as jiangshis, but it would make sense, since both Lenny and Lisa are ageless creatures that get younger looking every year and also sort of frighten me with their undead hotness.
Then again, they both look like totally different vampires. Lenny looks like a $9,000 an hour vampire escort who always smells like lube made from the screams of 400 year old consecrated souls, while Lisa looks like a haunted Victorian vampire doll named Countess de la Nightmares who comes alive every night and hovers silently over your bed while you sleep. Aka they both look hot as hell.
Their kid was also there too, and not surprisingly, she looked as hot as her parents.
Zoe Kravitz’s date was Miley Cyrus. I guess if I were to keep this vampire analogy going, Zoe Kravitz looks like the first runner up in a vampire beauty pageant (she didn’t win because her mom showed up mid-competition and stole the show), while Miley looks like a hillbilly zombie from the ol’ swimmin’ hole named Skooter McCrootch who came back to life when a bunch of dumb teenagers read the ingredients on a haunted bottle of Walmart-brand cough syrup backwards.