Nowadays whenever news about a celebrity’s divorce comes out, you gotta pull out a bottle of holy water-infused Febreze and prepare to spray, because usually some gross shit follows that news. It seems like most celebrities divorces have been getting beyond ugly and Lisa Marie Presley’s divorce is no exception.
Lisa Marie filed for divorce from her Tom-Petty-As-A-Tim-Burton-Villain-looking ass husband, Michael Lockwood, in June after 10 years of being married. Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old daughters, Finley and Harper. Those daughters are now in the custody of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer. It was way more disturbing than pictures of Michael in various busted hats. It was allegedly some Subway Jared-type shit. TMZ says that what was found was serious enough for Finley and Harper to be taken away.
Less than two months after it was revealed that she was ending her ten year marriage to the Mad Hatter’s Sunset Strip-dwelling grandson Michael Lockwood, UsWeekly says Lisa Marie Presley has checked into rehab. Lisa Marie is having a not-great summer. I’m going to stop complaining; salty eyebrow sweat and drinking booze that gets warm 0.4 seconds after you pour it into a glass is nothing compared to dealing with a divorce and rehab at the same time.
Two days ago we found out that Lisa Marie Presley had gone ahead and filed for divorce from her off-brand Tom Petty-looking husband of 10 years, Michael Lockwood. At the time, all we really knew was that she cited “irreconcilable differences” and that she wanted full custody of their 7-year-old twin daughters. Well, TMZ thinks they might have solved the mystery of what killed Lisa Marie’s fourth marriage. And it looks like the main culprit is a whole bunch of missing money.
According to Lisa Marie’s lawyer, Ron Litz, when Lisa Marie and Michael first got together, she let him handle all the finances. Uh oh, I can already see where this is going. Michael kept track of all the money, which is included all the cash coming in from Elvis Presley’s estate. When things started heading south in their marriage, Lisa Marie got suspicious of Michael and decided to take a magnifying glass to their financial situation. That’s when she discovered that a whole lot of money was missing, but she couldn’t tell where it all went.
Another discovery she made was a $109,000 American Express bill. Not long after she found out about the bill, AmEx sued her. TMZ doesn’t say why they sued her, but I’m guessing it was probably an overdue bill and they wanted to get paid. Lisa Marie currently has her legal team working on a forensic audit to determine what in the hell Michael spent $109,000 on, as well as where the rest of the money that vanished during their marriage went.
Michael could be in trouble. According to the postnup they signed after they got married, all of Lisa Marie’s Elvis money is hers and hers alone.
Lisa Marie doesn’t have to hire a team of experts to track down where her money went. I can tell you where that money went: HATS. Michael clearly spent all the money on stupid hats, Lisa. And whatever he didn’t spend on hats, he spent on those Stone Temple Steampunk outfits. You’d think Lisa would have figured something was up once she realized her side of the closet was slowly being taken over by his corny rock star clothes. “I don’t really know what you do for a job, but you sure do seem to have a lot of new custom-made leopard print jackets lately.”
According to TMZ, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her husband of ten years Michael Lockwood. Lisa cited “irreconcilable differences“, and reportedly filed papers a couple weeks ago on June 13th. Lisa Marie has requested full custody of their 7-year-old twin daughters, Harper and Finley, with monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support. But that’s kind of a duh, since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.
This is Lisa’s fourth time writing her name on divorce papers. She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years. In 1994 she was inducted into the Relationships That Make No Sense wing of the WTF Hall of Fame by getting married to Michael Jackson. They got divorced two years later in 1996. In 2002, she kept the “getting married to crazy” train going by getting married to Nicolas Cage. Just like her marriage to MJ, she called it quits with Nicolas Cage after two years of marriage. Two years after that, she got married to musician and major hat enthusiast Michael Lockwood.
I wonder who David Miscavige’s worst nightmare will get married to next? Lisa’s husbands include a musician, an iconic celebrity, an actor who takes his job really seriously and is kind of crazy, and a dude who dresses in a style I can best describe as Sunset Strip Steampunk. You know, it kinda sounds like Lisa’s dream man is Johnny Depp. Lisa Marie, you need to love yourself more, girl.
But enough about Lisa Marie – let’s take a look back at Michael Lockwood’s hats! TMZ says that Lisa Marie and Michael signed a postnup (ie. a prenup signed after marriage), and I’m really hoping one of the conditions of their postnup is that Michael gets custody of his hat collection. Because it’s pretty obvious from the pictures below that his true love is those hats. I’d hate to see them get separated.
Yesterday, The Daily Mail said that RPattz is smearing glitter grease all over the body of Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough (born name: Danielle Riley Keough) and that the news hurt Kristen Stewart, because she wants to be the one munching on Elvis’ granddaughter’s box instead of RPattz. Well, Riley’s rep tells Gossip Cop that The Daily Mail is telling lies. And I’m telling Riley’s rep that they’re telling lies because The Daily Mail never tells lies! But whatever…
Riley’s rep says that RPattz and Riley aren’t licking each other’s taints and that wasn’t her in the pictures of him driving around in his pick-up truck with a girl. They’re not dating.
The good news is that Twihards can stop making Riley Keough voodoo dolls and can spend their entire holiday weekend chanting ROBSTENISUNBROKEN while fapping with an Edward Cullen doll. The better news is that I finally had a reason to post this gorgeous cover of People Magazine of Lisa Marie with frosted hair and vampire brows.