Sometime in the past few days, nude photos of Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn, Katharine McPhee, Miley Cyrus, Kristen Stewart, and Stella Maxwell hit the internet. I’m not going to link any of the pics here (I’ll let you make that journey on your own if you’re so inclined). But here’s what you need to know: it was sort of like The Fappening, but this time with sports penis. That penis belongs to Tiger Woods, and TMZ says he’s beyond pissed that someone leaked a picture of his trouser iron onto the internet.
Actually, that’s not true. Time magazine seems a bit too stuffy and uptight to partner with such a sexy retailer. But that didn’t stop model Ashley Graham from slinking onto the red carpet of the annual Time 100 Gala in New York City last night in a silk nightie and robe combo. Oh, and a corset belt and jeweled choker, because Ashley clearly knows the difference between a proper formal lingerie look and looking like you just woke up from an afternoon catnap in your sugar daddy’s mansion.
I know shit about fighting, save for what I remember from the 20 minutes of Double Dragon I played on Nintendo before I got bored and threw on Barbie’s Glamorous Quest. So I had to do a bit of research on Ronda Rousey. From what the internet tells me, Ronda Rousey is a really good MMA fighter. She’s so good, she went home with two ESPYs last night, including Best Female Athlete and Best Fighter. I also learned that Ronda can take a bitch down with her expert-level reading skills.
Ronda was presented with the award for Best Fighter on the red carpet last night, and the first thing she did after accepting it was to verbally slap the shit out of fellow Best Fighter nominee and baby mama beater Floyd Mayweather by saying:
“I can’t help but say that I wonder how Floyd feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.”
I don’t know if you can get concussions from words, but Floyd Mayweather Jr. might want to swing by the hospital, just in case. The moment Ronda replaced 50 Cent at the top of Floyd Mayweather shit list happens around the 2:00 mark.
Normally this would be where I’d say “You in danger, girl” to Ronda Rousey, but we don’t even know if Floyd Mayweather even saw the ESPYs. If last night was his night to watch Justin Bieber, then the only channel they were watching was Nick Jr.
Here’s more of Ronda Rousey from last night, as well as Russell Wilson and the woman he’s not fucking, Lindsey Vonn, Halle Berry, A-Rod, and lovable party boy doofus Gronk (who was probably itching to get out of that suit and into a pair of shorts).
“That better be sweat glistening on your face, you coochie-chasing club-swinging ho” is what I like to imagine Lindsey Vonn was thinking while staring at Tiger Woods. Who knows? If the Daily Mail is correct, there’s a good chance she was. A “close friend” tells the Daily Mail that the reason one of boring’s favorite couples recently broke up is because he slipped his 5 wood into another hole (I know that makes zero sense, but golf metaphors are hard). The point is, I’m sure we’re all so absolutely shocked that a notorious cheater would get caught cheating. I’m shocked!
Apparently it happened after Tiger was eliminated from the Farmer’s Insurance Open in February. Tiger was super bummed out, so he decided to drown his sorrows in strange snatch. Unfortunately, he was about as discreet as a fart ripped during a fuck; someone spotted him with his one-night side piece, so he decided to confess to Lindsey that she’s basically his Elin Nordegren 2.0. But according to their source, it totally didn’t mean anything:
“Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.”
Usually when I want to relax after a long day, I crawl into bed with a box of red wine and listen to Ambien-voiced angel Bob Ross. But sneaking behind my partner’s back to fuck a stranger works too, I guess. At least there’s a clear pattern now; if you are a blonde woman whose last name ends with an N and you’re humping on Tiger Woods on a full-time basis and he starts to get a little stressed out, he WILL Calgon-take-his-peen-away to another pussy.
Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.
Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:
“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”
Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”
Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:
“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”
This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.
In her latest attempt to make the public forget what a mess Tiger Woods can be, Lindsey Vonn trotted herself out onto Katie Couric’s stage (via USWeekly) in her latest bid to convince people Tiger is a low-key, likable guy.
“He’s funny,” Vonn says of Woods with a big smile. “He’s really laid-back. He’s a great guy. He’s always making jokes… very competitive, just like me.”
“We have very similar personalities,” she further explains, “but if there’s one thing I could say: he’s funny. He’s goofy, like dorky goofy.”
“Really?! I don’t know, you just don’t think of Tiger Woods as kind of dorky,” Couric says in disbelief. “He seems like such a cool costumer [sic].”
Vonn jokingly adds, “He’s probably not going to be that excited that I just said that.”
So… he’s competitive and is going to be pissed you called him goofy and dorky. Sounds totally laid-back to me! I’m not sure what brand of Delusion Juice Lindsey has been drinking, but these two were ridiculous from the get-go, beginning with their Sears portrait studio head shots, with most of the head coming from her. If Tiger is truly always making jokes, there had better be some quality “So I Married An Axe Murderer” lines being thrown at her and that giant face.
I used to work at the same company as Tiger’s half-sister Royce before he hit it really big and she had a bunch of pictures of him hung up in her cubicle. Back then, I might have believed the “he’s just a regular guy” crap, but not after Elingate. No matter how convinced Lindsey is that she can sell him as a Tiger that can change his stick-his-dick-in-anything stripes, it’s just a matter of time before he gets this kind of drunk and starts thrusting on horrified women while singing, “If you like my penis a-lotta” (sorry, Rupert Holmes). He could turn to a life of stand up comedy and I’d still only be able to think of him as an uptight, dickbag golfer banging a waitress who is flying on Red Wings Airlines in a parking lot.