Category: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan’s Sexy Poses Will Bring On World Peace

July 21, 2016 / Posted by:

Mischa Barton got a lot of attention when she responded to the killing of Alton Sterling by posting a picture on Instagram of herself looking all sad-like in the face while luxuriating on a yacht in a black mourning bikini with a glass of pink wine in her hand. Mischa got dragged and had to delete the whole thing before releasing an apology. Fellow fallen star turned European yacht girl Lindsay Lohan was obviously inspired by Mischa’s post (read: inspired by all the attention she got) and on Tuesday, she prayed for world peace while posing for a picture that looks straight out of Daddyslist.com.

LiLo posted that “sexy but yet pondering world issues while pointing my toes” picture on Instagram and asked her followers to turn up for Nice and Turkey. She also added a deep thought that reads like it was co-written by Jack Daniels and a joint:

If history were to be folded … Where would we put the crease? Pray for the ones we lose everyday and appreciate every breathe you 🙏🏻 we🙏🏻 all 🙏🏻 take #nice #turkey #turnup and do something (goodnight and sleep with an idea for the future)

I’m surprised she didn’t add the hashtag #AllBedSheetLivesMatter. And don’t even try to figure out what she wrote there. The weight of the WTFness in that caption will cause your brain to deflate.

Lindsay obviously moved many of her followers to heave into the nearest trashcan and they let her know what an inspiration she is in the comments:

It doesn’t even make sense. Another brainless celebrity trying to weigh in on global problems in an attempt to stay relevant.

Tone deaf, but then again, what could be expected from you?

SO insincere and such an in appropriate photo! WHo are you trying to impress with this picture?

Someone here want to USE what happened in Nice to make some personal advertisement.. Otherwise another photo would be used! Trash

did she just hashtag Nice and turnup in the same post? I mean I’m inappropriate but….

But seriously, those people are so damn rude and mean. Lindsay Lohan is such a selfless soul. I mean, she’s thinking about others while she’s going through a serious medical condition that has caused her hand to be stuck to her mouth since 2008!

Pic: Instagram

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Lindsay Lohan May Have Polluted The Aegean Sea

July 12, 2016 / Posted by:

And no, I don’t mean that she polluted it by getting in it.

Not since that one king threw himself into the ocean after thinking that his son died while trying to kill a roided-up man bull (aka the Minotaur) has the Aegean Sea seen so much drama. Lindsay Lohan celebrated her 30th birthday in Mykonos, Greece last week, and no LiLo party is complete until she’s dragged out of that bitch kicking and spitting after getting into a fight with her piece. LiLo’s one-time employer The Sun says that my pick for Britain’s new PM and her Russian trust fund fiancee Egor Tarabasov got into a messy tussle in front of 70 guests (including her leech dad Michael Lohan, The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Egor’s mom) at a beach club in Mykonos.

Prepare To See The Name “Lindsay Lohan” On The New York Times Best Seller List Very Soon

July 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 (which happens tomorrow), and she talked about what the next chapter in her life holds. According to Lindsay Lohan, everyone’s favorite actress-turned-sloppy mess-turned-really sloppy mess-turned-future Mrs. Rich Russian Guy is writing a book. The people in charge of handing out Pulitzer Prizes should probably go ahead and start practicing how to engrave the name “LINDSAY DEE MORGAN (whatever her middle name is) LOHAN“, because they’ll be calling her freckled ass to the podium to collect all the awards sometime in the not-so-distant future.

Lindsay Lohan Is The Political Voice The United Kingdom Needs During These Trying Times

June 24, 2016 / Posted by:

The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today.  It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.

I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.

Lindsay Lohan And Her Rich Russian Fiancé Made Their Red Carpet Debut

June 23, 2016 / Posted by:

It has been over two months since Lindsay Lohan confirmed she was engaged to her Russian trust fund piece Egor Tarabasov. And ever since then, most of their public appearances have been limited to shopping trips and beaches. But last night, they made their first official red carpet appearance as Mr. and Future Mrs. Russian Millionaire at something called the Caudwell Children Butterfly Ball in London.

Now we know why Lindsay wasn’t able to appear at the mini Mean Girls reunion in person yesterday; she had an ultra-exclusive event to go to. Sorry, Damien, but the Apricot Ashtray doesn’t have time to fly to Toronto for your event. She’s rich Russian arm candy now. Sure, it’s an unwrapped candy that fell on the floor at least a dozen times, smells like cigarettes, and is covered in germs and questionable hair, but candy is candy.

It was a very fancy event because Lindsay’s man Egot wore a tuxedo. (My computer keeps auto-correcting his name to Egot, which is as close to an EGOT as Lohan will ever get.) Meanwhile, Lindsay wore a dress that may or may not still have the price tag attached, and it may or may not have been bought by Egor and it may or may not have gone back this morning. “I know it was purchased using a credit card belonging to Mr. Tarabasov, but I already told you: I want a cash refund. And those stains were on the dress when I bought it.

Here’s more of Egor, who I’m pretty sure asks for the Jake Lloyd Mugshot every time he goes to the barber. And Lindsay who is starting to look like she was made in the same factory as the CGI Spice Girl marionette fairies from the “Viva Forever” video.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Open Post: Hosted By Lindsay Lohan Bringing Some Pristine American Freshness To Madrid

June 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Fresh off from reuniting with an artifact from 2008, the deep fried Dorito we all know as Lindsay Lohan showed up to an Uno de 50 event in Madrid looking like a freshly bloomed ginger daffodil gently blowing in the breezes on a spring morning. Uno de 50 isn’t only how old LiLo looks in these pictures, it’s also the name of a jewelry store. Yes, a jewelry store invited LiLo to one of their events.

They must either not know anything about LiLo or they have all kinds of insurance. They may have to call up their insurance company. Because I wouldn’t be too surprised if a salesperson noticed that all of the cases were empty just as LiLo ran out of the store while a loud clink clink sound came from her ugly double sack dress. Oh, that LiLo! At it again!

Pics: Wenn.com

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Flip Open Your Bedazzled Sidekick! Courtenay Semel And Lindsay Lohan Are Together Again!

June 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Oh yeah, Juliet Angus from Ladies of London and Kourtney Kartrashian were there too…

Kitson may be dead and buried under a mountain of moth-eaten Team Aniston t-shirts and Von Dutch trucker hats, but the fame whore, coked-up star power of Courtenay Semel and Lindsay Lohan continues to live on! LiLo has been so out of the game that you may have to Google them both, you dumb fuck!

LiLo is still living in London with her latest mark, that Russian Home Depot (or something) heir, and last night at some private members club called LouLou’s, she partied with her friend Juliet, The Slow One and her one-time partner in pussy Nay Nay Semel. I know the story (for lack of a better word) is supposed to be that the freckled bag of delusion hung out with Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-ranking ho, but it’s not to me. The real story is that LiLo and Nay Nay reunited! I’m sure they spent the entire night mouth shitting out memories of the golden days like how they once switched Brandon Davis’ bag of coke with powder laxatives mixed with crushed-up NoDoz and how LiLo once dropped a deuce in the Les Deux bathroom and blamed it on Parasite Hilton. Meanwhile, the most boring Kartrashian (and that’s saying a lot) sat there with her mouth open and her eyes set to “dead.” She probably only woke up once from screensaver mode to say, “Youuuuuuuuu…. guuuuuuuuuuuuyz….. are…… talking to….. fast…. I….. want…… organic…. yo….. gurt.

And if you’re not too busy re-organizing your MySpace Top 8, look at these pictures of LiLo wearing a Circus Circus cocktail uniform while leaving that club with Nay Nay! (Just ignore the Kartrashian.)

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash, Instagram

Lindsay Lohan Says She’s Converting To Islam

April 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.

Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.

Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.

“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”

Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.

“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”

Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.

But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.

Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Already Milking The Maybe-Engagement News Hard

April 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.

TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:

liloengagementring2016

The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.

On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan May Become Somebody’s Wife

April 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Sad news for millionaire Arab sheiks who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan would hop on their 250 footer during yacht season in Cannes, she may have temporarily retired from the game to marry her Russian sugar sonny.

TMZ, UsWeekly and Gossip Cop all say that 22-year-old Russian trust fund kid Egor Tarabasov proposed to 29-year-old Lindsay Lohan after 5 months of bumping his Russian peen against her freckled crotch carniceria. Since LiLo has to get busy if she wants to beat her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s 7-husband-record, she said YES! TMZ’s source (aka Michael Lohan calling from a pre-paid cell phone while waiting for their payment to him to go through at a Western Union) said that LiLo and her Russian sugar sonny got engaged over the weekend. LiLo’s man has been described as the son of a Russian billionaire business mogul, but Page Six said a while ago that his dad owns a few Home Depot-like stores in Moscow and is a millionaire, but isn’t exactly butt burping up diamond-encrusted gold bars.

Lindsay Lohan’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) denied the rumor that she’s engaged to Egor (who is giving me second-tier James Franco impersonator meets Ponch from CHiPs). But I’m guessing that LiLo’s rep spit out a denial, because she’s trying to sell her engagement announcement and pictures of the ring to the highest bidder. I’m also going to guess that a Russian tabloid will be the highest bidder and they’ll pay for that shit with a half-pack of Reds and an almost-empty 8-ball.

White Oprah would celebrate this happy news by using her future son-in-law’s credit card (“So dat’s vere it vent!” – Egor) to buy everyone a round of shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island, but she’s got work to do. White Oprah’s gotta troll the baby black market for a freckled newborn that LiLo can pretend to give birth to, because you gotta get that child support money on lock right away. While White Oprah does that, Egor’s family should look into having him institutionalized, because anybody who wants to be a member of the Lohan family must be certifiable.

Pic: Wenn.com

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