The unthinkable has happened today: Lindsay Lohan got an acting job in something that people might actually see. According to Variety, Lindsay has joined the second season of the British comedy series Sick Note. The show, whose first season premieres on Sky in the fall, stars Rupert Grint as an insurance rep who is misdiagnosed with a terminal illness and decides to hide the misdiagnosis from everyone.
The annual Cannes amfAR Gala for AIDS research was held last night, and it’s an event that truly brings out the best attempts in fashion. This is what Nicki Minaj looked like, and I love it all. The Morticia Addams hair paired with the un-dead boudoir eleganza from Roberto Cavalli and the ten pounds of diamonds makes her look like Vampira’s money-hungry hustler sister Scampira. Watch out, rich dudes – she’ll suck the life out of you and your bank account!
A few months ago, Lindsay Lohan announced she would be hosting a social media prank show called The Anti-Social Network. The show went nowhere. That fact that The Anti-Social Network appears to be done clearly hasn’t deterred her from continuing to reach for the small-screen stars.
One word: LIFESIZE
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) April 19, 2017
In case you never watched Life-Size, it’s the story of a young girl, played by a pre-mess Lindsay Lohan, who accidentally brings an Eve doll (a Barbie knock-off) to life using dark magic while trying to bring her mom back from the dead. Eve helps Lindsay Lohan, and then turns herself back into a doll. It’s honestly a really weird movie. Variety describes the plot of Life-Size 2 as basically Life-Size but with fake snow and a mall holiday soundtrack.
In Life-Size 2, Banks will reprise her iconic role as a doll that comes to life, but in the sequel, everyone’s favorite doll, Eve, has grown up. This time, she’s magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again, and along the way, Eve herself will experience the ups and downs of real life in the telepic that’s described by the network as a “fun, edgy, modern Christmas movie.”
A fun and edgy Christmas movie? I guess that means we’re getting a scene where Eve does molly and fucks a mall Santa. Actually, probably not. Life-Size 2 will air on Freeform in December 2018. Tyra Banks will be back to play Eve, because duh, as if she’s going to let someone else take her job again. But no word on who will play that new young woman. Why not…Lindsay Lohan! After all, Lindsay no longer looks anything like 2000s Lindsay Lohan. And if anyone could use a “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU” speech from Tyra, it’s Lindsay. Lindsay, call your agent!
Last week, Lindsay Lohan posted that picture on Instagram of her working a one piece in the sea and she’s posted other pictures of her in a one piece since. But LiLo has been in the game long enough to know that if she wants the paparazzi she calls to hand over a thicker wad of cash, she has to give them something extra and I’m not talking about a wet handy this time.
LiLo slipped into a burkini to take some paddleboard lessons in Phuket, Thailand last week and the paps took pictures that are very spontaneous and natural. (FYI: You should read “spontaneous” and “natural” with your opposite glasses on.) The Daily Mail got the EXCLUSIVO rights of Turkey’s Mother Teresa and the racial profiling victim just casually posing with a paddle and board while wearing a burkini in Thailand. Heidi Montag’s title as The Most Casual And Natural Poser Of The Ho Stroll has finally been snatched by LiLo.
Now Lindsay Lohan wears a BURKINI https://t.co/VfGQEcO81X
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) April 5, 2017
Designer Aheda Zanetti, who created the burkini, told The Washington Post in an interview last year that it’s not just for Muslim women. She’s sold burkinis to non-Muslims and men.
LiLo said recently that she’s not sure if she’s going to convert to Islam. I think these pics prove that she hasn’t yet and is still a disciple of the Church of Attention Whores. And the marketing team at Pepsi are totally going to put LiLo in their next commercial after seeing these pictures. LiLo is more of a coke kind of girl, but she’ll gladly switch to Pepsi for a check.
Never has a word looked so completely wrong superimposed over a person. Lindsay Lohan has found herself a new gig that is only a tiny bit less confusing than designing headscarves.