You can say what you want about Lindsay Lohan, but you can’t say that her attention-whoring isn’t topical. Lindsay was supposed to yacht her ass to the British town of Kettering and turn on their Christmas lights. Perhaps confusing the Kettering’s Christmas lights with a movie set (back when she was a working actress who got paid to show up on those), she tweeted a video apology to the town on Friday saying she wouldn’t be able to make it. She’s super busy trolling Ariana Grande and her fans on Instagram and losing digits on yachts. But why Kettering? Why is she ruining Christmas for an entire town? And what does it have to do with the Brexit? It’s a fascinating story (isn’t it always with Lindsay?), so grab your ciggies and let’s go!
Lindsay Lohan seems like she’s bored. It also looks like she might need some attention paid to her. It’s Lindsay Lohan, so put those two compulsions together and you’ll understand why she suddenly decided to troll Ariana Grande on Instagram. It’s what happens when speaking with a bullshit accent from the imaginary country (The United Republic of Busted) you’re from loses its luster.
While some of us would rather suck and bite on a dildo made out of foil than get into the gross holiday spirit this early, others like a club in London and Lindsay Lohan are more than ready. The holly jolly fame whore took a quick break from being a secret agent for the Turkish government to work her multi-colored legs and that fire crotch pubes dress while blowing the paps outside of a club called LouLou’s in London early this morning.
LiLo didn’t let anything get in the way of giving it to the paps and she kept on posing even though that gorgeous brow’d beauty in the background shot her jealous looks and her toes tried to jump overboard. And to the poor trick who LiLo snatched that stuffed animal fur from, I hope you get a new one for Christmas!
Lindsay Lohan managed to get herself a little attention recently and it looks like she’s going to milk it for all it’s worth. Last month Lindsay did an interview where she sounded like the Lysol lady’s English-speaking half-sister and it made the internet collectively freak out over her accent of questionable origin. Lindsay decided to name her European-ish intonation “Lilohan.” Now she’s trying to cash in on the accent craze by selling branded Lilohan merch and giving the money to charity. The charity is not The Lindsay Lohan’s Wallet Fund.
When the Evita and Mother Teresa of Turkey, Lindsay Lohan, did an interview last month with Turkish television about being the new freckled savior to Syrian refugees, her mouth released a bizarre accent that sort of sounded like Rachel Dratch’s Vlem trying to do a voice impersonation of an American doing the accent of a Russian Leprechaun. I follow LiLo on Snatchchat (because I need something to watch on the toilet) and she mostly talks in her normal “Long Island trucker who gargles with gravel” voice on there, but it seems like whenever she’s in a country where the main language isn’t English, she puts on a vaguely Eastern European accent. Most of the internet discovered LiLo’s “Tom Hanks in The Terminal” accent yesterday when a video of her at the opening of her club in Greece made the rounds. When Madonna heard LiLo’s accent, even she said, “Oh blimey, what an arsehole.” LiLo explained why she sounds like half of Europe busted nuts on her tongue, and her explanation made me roll my eyes in several different languages.
Lindsay Lohan is already on her way to single-handedly saving the economy in Greece by running a nightclub (that is not at all a front for an underground hooker and coke ring). LiLo is also working on building up the energy of Syrian refugees by giving them Red Bull-like energy drinks (and she’s totally not doing it so she can get them hooked on that stuff and then charge them later). And between all of that, LiLo has somehow found time to become the Mother Teresa of Turkey and also thee premiere voice of islamophobia awareness in America. Oh, 2016, here you go again…