The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today. It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.
I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.
It has been over two months since Lindsay Lohan confirmed she was engaged to her Russian trust fund piece Egor Tarabasov. And ever since then, most of their public appearances have been limited to shopping trips and beaches. But last night, they made their first official red carpet appearance as Mr. and Future Mrs. Russian Millionaire at something called the Caudwell Children Butterfly Ball in London.
Now we know why Lindsay wasn’t able to appear at the mini Mean Girls reunion in person yesterday; she had an ultra-exclusive event to go to. Sorry, Damien, but the Apricot Ashtray doesn’t have time to fly to Toronto for your event. She’s rich Russian arm candy now. Sure, it’s an unwrapped candy that fell on the floor at least a dozen times, smells like cigarettes, and is covered in germs and questionable hair, but candy is candy.
It was a very fancy event because Lindsay’s man Egot wore a tuxedo. (My computer keeps auto-correcting his name to Egot, which is as close to an EGOT as Lohan will ever get.) Meanwhile, Lindsay wore a dress that may or may not still have the price tag attached, and it may or may not have been bought by Egor and it may or may not have gone back this morning. “I know it was purchased using a credit card belonging to Mr. Tarabasov, but I already told you: I want a cash refund. And those stains were on the dress when I bought it.”
Here’s more of Egor, who I’m pretty sure asks for the Jake Lloyd Mugshot every time he goes to the barber. And Lindsay who is starting to look like she was made in the same factory as the CGI Spice Girl marionette fairies from the “Viva Forever” video.
Fresh off from reuniting with an artifact from 2008, the deep fried Dorito we all know as Lindsay Lohan showed up to an Uno de 50 event in Madrid looking like a freshly bloomed ginger daffodil gently blowing in the breezes on a spring morning. Uno de 50 isn’t only how old LiLo looks in these pictures, it’s also the name of a jewelry store. Yes, a jewelry store invited LiLo to one of their events.
They must either not know anything about LiLo or they have all kinds of insurance. They may have to call up their insurance company. Because I wouldn’t be too surprised if a salesperson noticed that all of the cases were empty just as LiLo ran out of the store while a loud clink clink sound came from her ugly double sack dress. Oh, that LiLo! At it again!
Oh yeah, Juliet Angus from Ladies of London and Kourtney Kartrashian were there too…
Kitson may be dead and buried under a mountain of moth-eaten Team Aniston t-shirts and Von Dutch trucker hats, but the fame whore, coked-up star power of Courtenay Semel and Lindsay Lohan continues to live on! LiLo has been so out of the game that you may have to Google them both, you dumb fuck!
LiLo is still living in London with her latest mark, that Russian Home Depot (or something) heir, and last night at some private members club called LouLou’s, she partied with her friend Juliet, The Slow One and her one-time partner in pussy Nay Nay Semel. I know the story (for lack of a better word) is supposed to be that the freckled bag of delusion hung out with Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest-ranking ho, but it’s not to me. The real story is that LiLo and Nay Nay reunited! I’m sure they spent the entire night mouth shitting out memories of the golden days like how they once switched Brandon Davis’ bag of coke with powder laxatives mixed with crushed-up NoDoz and how LiLo once dropped a deuce in the Les Deux bathroom and blamed it on Parasite Hilton. Meanwhile, the most boring Kartrashian (and that’s saying a lot) sat there with her mouth open and her eyes set to “dead.” She probably only woke up once from screensaver mode to say, “Youuuuuuuuu…. guuuuuuuuuuuuyz….. are…… talking to….. fast…. I….. want…… organic…. yo….. gurt.”
And if you’re not too busy re-organizing your MySpace Top 8, look at these pictures of LiLo wearing a Circus Circus cocktail uniform while leaving that club with Nay Nay! (Just ignore the Kartrashian.)
“Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.
Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.
Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.
“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.
“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”
Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.
But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.
Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Sad news for millionaire Arab sheiks who were hoping that Lindsay Lohan would hop on their 250 footer during yacht season in Cannes, she may have temporarily retired from the game to marry her Russian sugar sonny.
TMZ, UsWeekly and Gossip Cop all say that 22-year-old Russian trust fund kid Egor Tarabasov proposed to 29-year-old Lindsay Lohan after 5 months of bumping his Russian peen against her freckled crotch carniceria. Since LiLo has to get busy if she wants to beat her idol Elizabeth Taylor’s 7-husband-record, she said YES! TMZ’s source (aka Michael Lohan calling from a pre-paid cell phone while waiting for their payment to him to go through at a Western Union) said that LiLo and her Russian sugar sonny got engaged over the weekend. LiLo’s man has been described as the son of a Russian billionaire business mogul, but Page Six said a while ago that his dad owns a few Home Depot-like stores in Moscow and is a millionaire, but isn’t exactly butt burping up diamond-encrusted gold bars.
Lindsay Lohan’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) denied the rumor that she’s engaged to Egor (who is giving me second-tier James Franco impersonator meets Ponch from CHiPs). But I’m guessing that LiLo’s rep spit out a denial, because she’s trying to sell her engagement announcement and pictures of the ring to the highest bidder. I’m also going to guess that a Russian tabloid will be the highest bidder and they’ll pay for that shit with a half-pack of Reds and an almost-empty 8-ball.
White Oprah would celebrate this happy news by using her future son-in-law’s credit card (“So dat’s vere it vent!” – Egor) to buy everyone a round of shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island, but she’s got work to do. White Oprah’s gotta troll the baby black market for a freckled newborn that LiLo can pretend to give birth to, because you gotta get that child support money on lock right away. While White Oprah does that, Egor’s family should look into having him institutionalized, because anybody who wants to be a member of the Lohan family must be certifiable.
Because I’m sure Lindsay Lohan’s client list has included a millionaire Indian business man or two, she was a guest at tonight’s Asian Awards in London, and she and her latest face showed up looking as prim and pristine as a freshly starched and pressed nun’s collar.
LiLo’s boyfriend is supposedly a rich Russian trust fund kid and so she could wear the finest ~fashuns~ his AMEX could buy, but instead, she decided to go simple with a dress made from Rhoda’s old dusty bedroom curtains and she went so simple that she didn’t wear a bra under that sheer shit. If you were wondering if LiLo’s freckled chest balls are still allergic to being lifted by a bra, you got your answer! Yes, someone probably mistook her barely-covered chichi for some kind of uncooked Indian dumpling and tried to bite it during dinner, but that’s a small price to pay for looking as sophisticated as LiLo looked tonight!
Whoever said journalism has long been dead, buried and is worm shit now obviously doesn’t know that Lindsay Lohan is a guest editor at The Sun. Journalism has risen from the dead!
LiLo took a little time out from traveling the world with her Russian sugary sonny, to butt belch out her first column for The Sun. For her first piece, serious journalist LiLo wrote about how she could’ve smeared some of Harry Styles’ grainy dick cheese all over her freckled crotch crumpet. Remember when the Summer’s Eve Truman Capote named James Franco wrote a short story about the time Lindsay Lohan allegedly broke into his room at the Chateau Marmont and tried to get with him? Well, LiLo apparently sort of got a taste of her own medicine and she says Slutty Styles (copyright: Tumblr) was holding the spoon. LiLo says that early one morning in 2012, she got a knock on her hotel room door and when she opened it up, Harry Styles was on the other side and he wanted to fuck his way to a place on her hump list. Here’s some (maybe) fanfic courtesy of LiLo:
“I didn’t know it was him. He was in a suit. I said, ‘Well, you’re very good-looking – can I help you?’ That was it. He was like, ‘I’m Harry. Gavin and Michael sent me here.’ I was in bed. I was like, ‘I’m going to bed but it was nice to meet you.’ It was 2am, I had just come back from an AA meeting. I looked like shit too. I was wearing a big hotel robe, I had a slip under it. It was not a good look.
It didn’t click who he was at the time. I told my sister the next day and she was like, ‘Wait, are you kidding me? Do you understand? Do you have his number? Can I have it?'”
LiLo went on to say that she recently ran into Harry at a party in L.A. and he said that he knocked on her door at 2am because some friends dared him to.
Lindsay was bumping lubed-up parts with a member of The Wanted (aka the O-Town to One Direction’s Backstreet Boys) in 2012, so I love the thought of her turning down Harry Styles. But maybe this was all just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe the mess who knocked at her door at 2am was really a greasy homeless drug dealer who sold her a baggie of the bad shit once and wanted to make another sale. Confusing a greasy homeless drug dealer with Harry Styles is an honest mistake!
When we last left the freckled tornado of dusty delusion, she had allegedly been kicked out of a bar in NYC for acting like her usual charming self. Between then (early January) and now, she has somehow managed to not spit at another trick during a bar fight, and that’s probably because she’s been too busy putting her mouth on her new serious piece.