“Um, is that a new kind of coke? Why hasn’t my dealer told me about that one. I’ll kill him!” - LiLo
Last night, OWN shat out the trailer for their reality show, which should be called Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check (alternate title: Oprah: I’m Just Doing This For The Ratings), and it shows us Lindsay Lohan in a completely different light! By that I mean we see her in daylight. We usually see her trolling the dark streets at nighttime.
The first part shows us the broken ginger record queefing at the mouth about how she’s sick of being a drunken mess, White Oprah with her head stuck all the way up her culo, Michael Lohan being the oozing pussy pimple that he is and more of the same crap we’ve all seen and heard a million times before. The second part is The Mighty O slapping LiLo’s crackie zombie face with some truth after that mess does what she always does. Before Oprah gives it to LiLo straight, there’s a scene of her in her chariot with my favorite, Sherry Ensalada, and Sherry tells her about how Lilo has been a pain in everyone’s taint. Oprah says, “This is exactly what everybody said was going to happen and I believed differently.” Aunt Bunny, can I get GUURRRL PLEASE?! Oprah knew LiLo was going to be unreliable and she probably wanted LiLo to be unreliable, so she could sweep in and tell that mess off in front of the cameras and everyone would be like, “You tell her, Oprah! You always speak the truth, Oprah! You’re everyone’s savior, Oprah!” Oprah, YOU need to cut the bullshit. (Future headline: Skinny Fat Gay Blogger Goes Missing – A Pillar Of Salt Found In Front Of His Desk)
With all that being said, I’m still going to watch every second of this same old shit mess, because the sober coach’s down eyes followed by an, “ummmm,” when he’s asked if LiLo’s still sober SOLD ME.
And LiLo totally sold herself short when she said, “I know this is my last shot of doing what I love to do.” She still has plenty of years of stealing necklaces and slapping hos in clubs ahead of her!
Did I wish this into existence with some kind of weird black magic juju? Hold me, I’m scared! Literally a week ago, I casually mentioned that Lindsay Lohan and Damian’s mini-Mean Girls reunion was nothing without bad-ass M.C. Kevin Gnapoor (birth name: Rajiv Surendra, but I think we can all agree he should just do the world a favor and legally change it to Kevin G), and then this morning Blohan posts this picture of the three of them to Instagram with the hashtags: #youcantsitwithus and #soquiche.
So not only did Linds grant my wish of seeing Kevin Gnapoor and the power and the glory that is his hair (it looks like a basket of tiny sleeping black lab puppies), but she also threw in a Ja’mie: Private School Girl reference? Did my heart just melt a bit for Blohan? Do I like Blohan now? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS??
(Pic: Lindsay Lohan)
A Mean Girls reunion is NOTHING without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor. Kevin Gnapoor should be on call at all times in the event of a possible Mean Girls reunion, and when Kevin is unable to fulfil his responsibilities of Best Mean Girls Character, his place will be filled by either Mrs. George, the wide-set vagina girl, Glen Coco, or that grotsky little byotch Trang Pak.
In times that you need a reminder that Lindsay Lohan isn’t always a two-legged useless (so, like, 99.999% of the time?) you can whip out this picture of her and Damian (government name: Daniel Franzese) that she posted to Instagram last night. The two went out to dinner in NYC because – DUH – why wouldn’t you go out for dinner with Damian? And if you’re looking at this picture and thinking “Damn Africa, when did Damian get old?”, well I have terrible news for you; this year marks the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you run to the bathroom and mourn your lost youth by cry-singing ‘Jingle Bell Rock‘ in the shower.
We all know Blohan’s life is an amped-up version of Mean Girls, so how much do you want to bet that Lilo spent the whole evening talking shit about the rest of the cast? “Oh my god, I like need to tell you – Rachel McAdams kept texting me after I went to rehab being like ‘Are you OK? Are you OK?’ and I’m like ‘Why are you so obsessed with me’ right? And you know I auditioned for Lizzy Caplan’s role on Masters of Sex, but she totally stole it from me. She’s, like, so jealous of my success; it’s pathetic. And to be totally honest? Amanda Seyfried is just a less-hot version of me, right? Ugh, they’re all just SO dramatic and jealous; I’m so glad I’ve moved on. Do you ever talk to Tina Fey? You do? WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?!?”
Looks like today’s You’re A Saint award goes to Daniel Franzese; it takes a real angel to put up with Lohan’s pill-head ramblings for 2 hours and to put your wallet in danger by standing close enough for it to “accidentally” fall into her hands.
Over 5 years ago, Lindsay Lohn stole some chick’s $11,000 fur coat at 1Oak in NYC and last night somebody stole half of Kleptohan’s $75,000 fur coat at the same club. Oh Karma, I love it when you wink while blowing an air kiss at LiLo.
TMZ says that naranja-faced LiLo partied at 1Oak in NYC last night and she wore a two-piece fur coat worth $75k (so I’m guess it was originally worth $200k before LiLo dropped its value by wearing it). A quick second after LiLo left the club, she realized that she only had half of the coat and she immediately went back in to search her table for the other half. It wasn’t there. She called pretty much everyone who sat at her table to ask them if they had the other half and none of them did. The only dude LiLo hasn’t asked yet is some Seahawks player who was sitting at the same table as her.
My guess is that one of three things happened:
1. One part of the coat sacrificed itself for the other part of the coat. Part 1 gave up its freedom so part 2 could live a Lohan-free life. Both parts re-enacted the “I’ll never let go” scene from Titanic before part 2 crawled out of the club and got away from LiLo forever. Part 2 is now searching the subway stations for discarded hot dogs and dead rats to eat. But at least it’s free. At least it’s free.
2. LiLo stole it herself and plans to collect the insurance money.
3. The Seahawks player took it after he learned that the Super Bowl Asian hooker ring that LiLo and White Oprah were running got busted. He was afraid he wouldn’t get his deposit back so he took half of the coat for collateral.
It could be any of those, but I’m hoping it’s the first one and I’m hoping that part 1 gets away real soon and reunites with part 2. It’d be so nice to have a story with a happy ending.
Two strange things happened at Sundance yesterday: Lindsay Lohan showed up and she didn’t look like a dried-up yeast infection sore. LiLo actually looked good for LiLo. (Side note: Every time someone types “LiLo looked good,” millions of locusts rehearse the swarm-forming process.) The other strange thing that happened is that LiLo held a press conference where she announced that she’s starring and producing a psychological thriller and somebody put up the $5 million needed to make that mess. Cut to the original Oprah going through her purse while wondering where that $5 million she pulled out of the ATM earlier went…..
Buzzfeed says that before the press conference started, reporters were told that if they asked LiLo any personal questions, they’d be shown the exit door. Randall Emmett, whose production company made End of Watch and Lone Survivor, proved that he and LiLo snorted the wrong stuff in the car ride over when he called her “one of the greatest young actresses of her generation.” Randall said that LiLo has already been insured and right now they’re looking for a director. They start shooting in either New Orleans or Atlanta in March, so if you’re in one of those places you have a little less than two months to stock up on as much coke as you can. Randall spit this out.
“We are up here today to announce a new movie that we’re funding and producing alongside Lindsay, called Inconceivable. The movie will start shooting in March, and Lindsay and I just felt that coming up to Sundance and being among the community up here to announce an independent film is a really special place.”
And as Robert Redford weeped at the bottom of a cold shower over Sundance becoming the ho stroll of Utah, LiLo told reporters what that shit is about:
“I fell in love with the script, and I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”
A woman who’s on a journey to reclaim something she lost? So it’s basically a Lindsay Lohan biopic and follows her as she tries to get her old career back. I hope they make a documentary about the making of this, because I really want to see what Lindsay “the producer” does when Lindsay “the actress” shows up 4 hours late. Bitch can’t apologize by sucking herself off.
And seriously, LiLo is wasting her time with that movie. Everybody knows that her one and only comeback vehicle is Life-Size 2!
Oprah is either the world’s highest-functioning idiot or the world’s most convincing liar (ding ding ding!), because according to the NY Daily News, she was shocked – SHOCKED – that working with noted coke head/alcoholic/piece of drama-loving trash Lindsay Lohan on her $2 Million
publicity stunt reality show would end up being a wagon-full-of-fat-sized headache:
“This is just what everyone warned me would happen (working with her). And it is,” Winfrey says in a clip from the show, screened for TV critics. Winfrey can be seen seething about the troubled film star after Lohan refuses to take part in scheduled filming. Later, Winfrey says to Lohan, “My truth is, I really do want you to win … but if that isn’t what you want, I’m okay with that. I will tell these guys to pack up and leave today.” Lohan responds: “I know this is my last shot at doing what I have to do.”
Then White Oprah appeared out of nowhere yelling: “Shots? Who said shots!? Let’s celebrate your sobriety with shots! Ps – can I borrow $40,000?”
Let’s for a second play Devil’s Advocate (“Sorry, but I’ve trademarked that for myself” – Kris Jenner). Perhaps Oprah really did think she could help Blohan turn her life around. I mean, I sort of believed that The Canyons would be her comeback and she’d finally be nominated for an Academy Award; but then the ghost of Cher in Moonstruck appeared and yelled “Snap out of it!” as she slapped me across the face to remind me that Lindsay is the King Midas of turning everything she touches to shit. So I feel like it’s very possible that Oprah was convinced Lindsay had good intentions and believed she was serious about sobriet…oh, forget it. The reason was publicity. She needed the publicity, case closed.
(Pic via Oprah.com)
Lindsay Lohan BRAVELY went out in London late last night after her laptop, with pictures of her bare naked dehydrated papaya slice body on it, was mysteriously snatched in an airport in Shanghai. I don’t really know what the big deal is, because doesn’t everyone’s laptop have pictures of LiLo’s naked body on it? You never know when you’re going to suddenly suffer from over-wet pussy or a perpetual boner and need something to immediately dry up your chocha or soften your peen. Anyway, after living through that traumatic ordeal, which she obviously staged herself, bitch flew to London to party.
LiLo left a club with a new barely legal victim at 3:30 this morning and she looked as fresh as a dried period stain on a pair of crusty, old panties lying next to a dumpster in an alley way in the middle of August. But LiLo’s camp (aka White Oprah using the pay phone at TGIFriday’s because she traded her cell phone in for a fireball shot) tells Radar that she wasn’t drunk, she just had the tireds.
“She was just very tired … she wasn’t drinking,” Lohan’s camp said, adding that the 27-year-old had just “come off a long flight from Shanghai” and stopped off at the nightspot for “a late dinner.”
You know how your abuelita told you that if you roll your eyes, they’ll stay that way and then you said, “GOOD,” before running out of the house as she chased you while waving a tree branch in her hand? That’s what happened to LiLo. Bitch has had drunkface so many times that her face just looks like that now. Most of the time, she’s always making the face you make when you’re tanked in a dark bar and they turn on the fluorescent lights at closing time.
And what is with these hot twinks she always picks up? Those twinks need to get some self-respect. If they need an 8-ball that bad, they should suck an old man’s dick for it the way the rest of us did. Have some dignity!
Everybody loses stuff at the airport. Keys. Newspapers. Bags. Small children. If you’re lucky, a TCA agent who sounds like they’re yelling into an industrial-strength fan around a mouthful of dicks will make a garbled announcement and you can shlep your ass back to security and quietly pick up your belongings (unless it’s a kid, they usually want to talk in depth about that). If you’re Lindsay Lohan, a lost laptop quickly escalates from “maybe I left it somewhere” to “someone stole it, I’ll give anything to get it back, oh my god there are nudes on it and creepy love letters to celebrities who won’t give me the time of day!“.
TMZ says Lindsay is desperately scrambling around, trying to reclaim her laptop that was supposedly stolen at an airport in Shanghai, China. The nude photos on it are supposedly from photo shoots that were not supposed to be released (yeah, right). Why would she be so freaked out over someone having photos of shit (NSFW) we’ve had the gross misfortune to have already seen?
The laptop also contains “private correspondence” between Lindsay and celebrities such as Lady Gaga and Woody Allen. I’m sure LiLo has a few (drug) contacts left in various industries, but I can’t be the only one who thinks any correspondence is likely to be completely one-sided. I’m imagining an email sent box filled with messages like the shit you find on Twitter and Instagram from teenagers to their idols.
“ZOMG Woody Allen. I’m ur biggest fan we r both misunderstood artists n it would mean sooooo much if u could give me a part in ur movies sometime!”
Our Lady of Perpetual Sluntbucketry Lindsay Lohan has allegedly run out of people her own age to alienate and piss off and has moved to the younger crowd. A source told Page Six that Lindsay won’t get the hint that Morgan O’Connor, the 18-year-old model she was reportedly
using for her supply wrapping her cougar flaps around doesn’t want anything to do with her crackie ass.
“She finds out where Morgan is, then shows up and causes problems,” an O’Connor source told the paper. “Morgan’s modeling, he’s going to the gym, working for charities — he’s got stuff to do. He doesn’t want to be around Lindsay or her –behavior.”
Excuse the fuck outta you, anonymous source! The Lohans also have stuff to do. Ali wants to sing again, Lindsay is this close to a lucrative book deal and Dina is busy holding a loaded gun to make sure I got all that down.
The source also said Lindsay crashed a party Morgan threw at the Dream Downtown hotel for his friends, the Rich Kids of Instagram crowd (yeah, I don’t know who the fuck they are, either). She allegedly started bitching Morgan out and demanded all the girls leave, but someone stepped up to play the Bon Qui Qui character in this production of Heartbreak Whore-tel and called security.
“They honestly didn’t know what to do — they assumed it was Lohan’s room,” the source said, as after that, the Mean Girls star “called her dad and locked herself in a bedroom, and wouldn’t come out.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You have to have money or available credit to get a hotel room, don’t you? This bitch could go to rehab for 25 to life and still not be able to sort her shit out. Lindsay, you are
47 27 years old. You do not lock yourself in a room and call your daddy because your pretend boyfriend would rather get his dick stuck in the treads of an escalator than have anything to do with your crazy ass. Get a fucking hobby that doesn’t involve scaring kids, drugs, acting, singing, drugs, alcohol, drugs or keeping your cringe-worthy self in the public eye.
I’m hungover from a poorly thought out evening of mixing white wine and the distilled jizz of Satan known as moonshine, putting me on both ends of the “how pansy do you want to look and how shitty do you want to feel tomorrow” spectrum in one fell swoop. This is the closest I’ve been to being an honorary Lohan, so you can bet your ass I’m going to spend the day looking over my shoulder, just in case Dina tries to kidnap and force me into a life of shitty modeling gigs and sleazy overnight stays with international businessmen at Chateau Marmont.
Speaking of Gin Cleaver, she must be giggling into her cereal this morning (RumChata counts as cereal since it tastes like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, right?), knowing cash cow numero uno is standing somewhere with her grimy ass finger in her mouth, poised to receive six figures for a book deal. TMZ says Lindsay is shopping around a tell-all that will cover her career, family, drug use and arrests, all built upon journal entries used as therapy in rehab.
Damn, they just came out of the gate with the lies and jokes on this one. It’s Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Liar Lohan. Call the book what it fucking is- a “tell-some”- because the black kid was driving, those aren’t her pants, she was wearing that coat when she came in, she’s not an addict and she JUST WANTS TO WORK, DAMMIT!! The only way I’d read that shit is if she goes balls out with the truth and titles it The Crackie Chronicles.