Seen above giving you “washed-up and dried out, crab infested red seaweed” hotness, Lindsay Lohan has been asked to talk about her messy wreck of a relationship with Egor Tarabasov on a talk show in Russia, and since she lives in a wet fart bubble of delusion where she thinks she’s a gigantic star, she’s asking for a whole lot. LiLo is a monkey funeral away from becoming the Norma Desmond of our time.
On the current cover of Star Magazine is a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s come-to-life V for Vendetta mask of a fiancé Egor Tarabasov grabbing her arms during a fight on a beach in Mykonos. The picture came from a video that was taken by someone who watched LiLo and Egor fight in a Jeep before she threw his cellphone onto the sand and he twisted her arm while trying to pry it out of her hand. It was yet another messy situation in LiLo and Egor’s messy Lifetime movie of a relationship. Over the weekend, The Daily Mail published an interview they did with LiLo about that video and the night he allegedly choked her out in London. LiLo also says that her barbecued turtle turd of a father Michael Lohan uses her for press and attention. I know, you better freebase Xanax right away, because learning that Michael Lohan is a low-down dirty attention whore is just too much of a shock to your nerves on a Monday.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall at InTouch Weekly’s offices when the editors got the e-mail confirming that Lindsay Lohan is not pregnant just as they were about to hand Michael Lohan a money order in exchange for exclusive and real ultrasound scans of his knocked up daughter’s fetus.
Proving once again that Michael Lohan spews enough bullshit to keep Home Depot’s manure section fully stocked for decades, Dina Lohan confirms to TMZ that LiLo is not going to pussy burp out a giant freckle with a Russian accent in a few months, because she was never pregnant. LiLo was the first to start the pregnancy rumors by tweeting (and then deleting) about how she was knocked up. Michael Lohan later claimed that LiLo told him in a text that he’s going to be somebody’s grandpappy , but her friend Hofit Golan basically said to not listen to him. Well, Hofit was right, because it turns out that LiLo’s pregnancy was all just a regular Lohan-brand lie.
Go ahead and take apart your end-of-the-world bunker, because it doesn’t look like the apocalypse is coming anytime soon since Lindsay Lohan probably doesn’t have a baby in her body. (Although, you may not want to take apart your end-of-the-world bunker right away, because Trump could still win in November.)
Michael Lohan really wanted us all to think that a half-Russian ATM baby is growing in his daughter’s womb. Michael claimed that LiLo texted him with, “Daddy, I’m pregnant,” and he believed her, because LiLo never lies! But today, LiLo’s friend, socialite Hofit Golan, told a different story.
As Lindsay Lohan got back to her full-time job of lounging on a yacht in Europe, her piece of trash father Michael Lohan got back to his full-time job of spitting out private bits of her life to the media for coins. Michael Lohan told everyone yesterday that he believes that his daughter and her maybe-cheating and violent Russian piece spawned. And today, Michael said that LiLo told him in a text message that a fetus is really in her womb where it’s probably sipping on some vodka-infused amniotic fluid.
If Lindsay Lohan’s private life was a room, its walls would be glass, it wouldn’t have a door and outside of it would hang a neon blinking sign that read, “LOOK AT ME” But after the train wreck situation with her alleged cheating and beating Russian fiancé went down, she put a privacy sign on her private life and asked everyone to respect it. But today, LiLo removed that privacy sign for a second to say sowwy for accusing her piece Egor Tarabasov of dipping his untrue dick into a Russian hooker’s leased cooch.