And now in sky is blue/water is wet news, Lindsay Lohan is already trying to weasel her way out of completing her community service and avoid going to jail. I hope you didn’t hit your head on anything during that fainting spell you no doubt just had from the shock of it all.
According to TMZ, LiLo knows there’s a very good chance she won’t complete her delinquent community service hours (“No shit” said the staff who waited 2 hours for her ass to show up on her first day), but she also knows that if she doesn’t finish her hours, there’s a chance she might end up in jail. She also knows that a court can’t extradite her over a reckless driving misdemeanor, so she has planned to skip town and hide out in Monaco. The Apricot Ashtray has apparently been telling her friends and family that she has a “rich friend” who has offered up his hotel in Monaco and given her permission to stay as long as she’d like. Even that shameless mooch Dina Lohan is side-eying that arrangement, like “What’s the catch?”
Regardless of whether or not she completes her community service, TMZ says that Lohan plans on taking her friend up on his offer and will stay in Monaco for a while. That loud whooshing sound you just heard was the city of London breathing a giant sigh of relief.
I know LiLo is beyond desperate to avoid doing actual work, but this might be a new personal best for that freckled con artist. She’s literally running away. And for what? It’s not like the court won’t keep giving her extensions on her community service to avoid sending her to jail. Lindsay could be 98-years-old and a hologram of a judge will be like “We’re giving you till March 1st, 2085, and that’s it!”
Here’s Lindsay doing a practice run for her future escape to Monaco yesterday in NYC:
As all of our asses know, Lindsay Lohan has only 16 days to cram in 115 hours of community service or a judge could send her to jail. HA. Like that’s going to happen. The chance of me butt birthing out a baby unicorn that knows the exact burial place of Jimmy Hoffa is greater than Lindsay Lohan actually going to jail.
On Monday night, LiLo Instagrammed some shit about being back in NYC, so everyone thought she would start her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Brooklyn on Tuesday morning. But since LiLo is LiLo and lying to her is like breathing in air, she lied about being in NYC on Monday. She was still in London. She didn’t land in NYC until yesterday afternoon. That being said, LiLo is SERIOUSLY SERIOUS about community service this time. TMZ says she’s staying in a hotel near the children’s center. She is so serious that she only showed up 2 hours late this morning. Hey, it’s actually impressive that bitch showed up at all. I figured she’d be a no-show and blame it on the “walking malaria” she caught on the plane ride over or say that her evil twin once again locked her in her hotel room and wouldn’t let her out. The Parent Trap is real.
Although if you’ve only done 9 hours and 45 minutes of the required 125, that would technically be considered starting and not completing, right? Then again, starting implies it will get finished, and we all know there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of that happening. Regardless of what the correct word for whatever she’s doing is, the NY Daily News says that Lindsay Lohan will try to complete all those missing community service hours at a preschool in Brooklyn. A preschool. Take it away, Helen Lovejoy!
A “source” (a chardonnay-drunk Dina Lohan yelling into a Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone) says that Lindsay will be arriving in Brooklyn some time today and will begin her community service at the Duffield Children’s Center in Fort Greene on Tuesday. I’m sure that freckle-covered con artist is already working on her excuse to get out of it. “You didn’t say WHICH Tuesday! So long, suckers!” she cackles, as she boards a private jet bound for Fiji.
Lindsay has until May 28th to complete the remaining 115 hours of her community service. That works out to a little more than six-and-a-half hours every day for 17 days. I’m no Miss Cleo, but I’ve got a feeling my fingers will be typing the words “Lindsay Lohan claims she has a mysterious illness and can’t finish community service” sometime in the very near future.
Maybe that’s why LiLo chose to work at a preschool; she thought she could scam the system by listing her community service hours completed as “eleventy-hundred” and getting one of the 4-year-olds sign off on it. That, or the constant naps and juice.
We’re all totally shocked, aren’t we. I hope the force from our jaws dropping at the same time didn’t throw the Earth off its axis. So, remember back in February when Lindsay Lohan tried to pass off her performances in Speed-The-Plow as community service? And then a judge called bullshit and told her she had three months to make up 125 community service hours? Well, TMZ says she still hasn’t done them, and she only has 3 weeks left to complete her hours. Sweet Salty Jesus, it’s like we’re stuck on a goddamn freckled nonsense merry-go-round.
Despite the fact that she recently posted a picture of her alleged community service to Instagram, the community service organization in London that Lohan has been working with has told prosecutors that she’s completed less than 20 hours. To put that into perspective, that’s like taking 3 months to watch I Know Who Killed Me ten times. I know it’s a struggle to watch that shit even once, but come on – if it was that or going to jail…actually, bad example.
Lindsay is due in court today for a progress hearing, and TMZ says that the prosecutor plans on asking the judge for a warrant for her arrest. However, TMZ says there’s no extradition for a misdemeanor, which means the Apricot Ashtray could just stay in London and an arrest would never happen.
This whole mess is the result of a reckless driving charge from 2012, so you’d think that at some point during those 3 years that at least one person in that courtroom would clue in and realize Lindsay Lohan is never going to complete her community service. They might as well sentence her to 300 hours of unicorn wrangling or showing up to work on time. Stop trying to make Lindsay Lohan’s community service happen, it’s not going to happen!
Speaking of, here’s Lindsay being too busy to do community service in London last week. Or maybe blowing greasy air kisses at the paps she called and collecting free shit from a boutique is her community service?
UPDATE: Remember before when I said Lindsay finished less than 20 hours of community service? According to TMZ, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Holley admitted to the judge that it was actually 9 hours and 45 minutes. LiLo’s excuse this time: the community service center is too far away. She’s asked that Lindsay finish the rest of her hours in Brooklyn, NY. She has till May 28th to complete 115 hours or else “there will be consequences.”
Ha! I bet even Lindsay Lohan’s reflection in the mirror is giving her “Sure, Jan” face right now. So, remember a few days ago when the Apricot Ashtray threw up a picture on Instagram of the words “You’re a donkey” in Arabic with the words “You’re beautiful“ incorrectly written underneath in English? Well, Lindsay wants you to know it was all just a joke and it definitely didn’t have anything to do with any of her Middle Eastern ‘business friends’ trolling her in real life. Lindsay tried to clear her name by Instagramming a picture of a Valentino purse she will no doubt later search for on Bag Borrow or Steal (“The third option is my favorite“) with the following caption:
“FYI- The funny thing is-the Arabic photo I posted was an inside joke w/friend to test my Arabic w/out Google translation. So, was already known what it was.”
Give me a second, I need to translate that from Confusing to English. But if it was just a joke, then why did she yank it down so fast after everybody called her out? Or why didn’t she write that in the first place? I have no idea. Understanding Lindsay Lohan’s brain isn’t something I have the mental strength to tackle today.
I know Lindsay is so determined to speak a bunch of different languages, but she really needs to pick one and get good at it before moving on. She can barely handle English! Not to mention her piss-poor American Sign Language skills; she clearly hasn’t learned anything beside the letter V. Forget new purses, bitch needs Rosetta Stone.
Here’s more of the aspiring English
rose bouquet of dollar store silk flowers strolling around London on Thursday:
The last time we checked on What Dumb Thing Did Lindsay Lohan Do Now?, the Apricot Ashtray was serving up some busted Photoshop by Salvador Dali skills in an Instagram selfie. Although technically, the last dumb thing she did was trying to deny Dina Lohan the chance of Celebrity Big Brother stardom, but that didn’t happen on the internet, so it doesn’t count (yes, I’m sure Dina later tried to mash her most sober hand against the screen of her iPad in an attempt to curse her out over Skype, but that’s neither here nor there).
Once again, Lindsay’s dumb thing happened on Instagram, but it didn’t involve taking the liquify tool to her body. On Monday, LiLo posted a picture of some Arabic writing with the words “You’re beautiful” in English below it.
The only problem is, the actual translation is “You’re a donkey”. Once freckles realized what happened, she yanked the pic. Frankly, I’m more shocked she spelled “you’re” correctly.
As far as I know, Lindsay Lohan only speaks two languages (English and Lying), so I can’t really swat at her for fucking up the translation of something. It happens! Google translate is a sneaky bitch who will steer you wrong every time. Do you know how many times I’ve tried to translate “I love you” into Polish, only to have one of my relatives inform me that, no, they don’t have access to a “wig plunger” or a “smiling kielbasa“? A lot. The answer is a lot.
But I wonder if she did actually mean “You’re a donkey.” Did she tag her father? It would make sense – he is an ass.
Here’s aspiring motivational Instagram speaker Lindsay Lohan serving up trampy real estate agent Barbie realness (I don’t hate it) while sashaying around London last week:
Any trick who says that getting contact drunk isn’t possible has never gotten drunk while staring at that picture.
The producers of Celebrity Big Brother in the UK must have sprained every muscle in their arm, because they have climbed to the top of the highest ladder and are reaching far for the brightest, biggest and A-listiest stars of Hollywood. Case in point: They want Lindsay Lohan’s former pimp Dina Lohan to join the cast. So yeah, when I said that they are reaching for the stars, what I meant is that they are going way beyond the bottom of the barrel. They have picked up the barrel, turned it around and are picking off the worms that cling to its bottom. They might as well change the name of Celebrity Big Brother to Not Even Close To A Celebrity Big Brother.
A source tells TMZ (FYI: “A source” in Latin means “Dina Lohan“) that White Oprah really, really wants to do Celebrity Big Brother, but Lindsay Lohan really, really wants her to turn it down. White Oprah apparently called LiLo on Thursday to tell her the news and you’d think she’d be happy. I mean, White Oprah finally got an actual job that pays actual money for a few weeks. But LiLo isn’t having it. LiLo feels like she’s finally gotten her shit together and if White Oprah comes to England, that mess will fuck it all up for her. LiLo thinks that her mom is a bad luck charm and that foolery follows her wherever she goes. They fought over the phone and then continued to slap at each other through texts.
White Oprah doesn’t think that LiLo can ban her from a country, so she’s planning to go to England anyway.
I see what’s really going on here. It’s pure jealousy at work. How dreadful. LiLo is obviously mad that the producers asked her mom instead of her. LiLo’s thoughts continue to be powered by delusion. Why would the producers ask her? They would never get insurance and they’d have to build a hospital next to the CBB house to treat all the bitches who LiLo hits on the head with a bottle. Besides, White Oprah’s grace, elegance, sophistication and charismatic star power will really class that show up!
And well, we can expect England to declare war on America for sending not one, but two, cracked out messes of mass destruction.
If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.
Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.
Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.
How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!
Well, at least it’s not as bad as the last time Lindsay Lohan tried to Photoshop her ass, I guess.
Since Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed and doing not much of anything besides kissing Kardashian family ass, you’d think she would use some of that free time to sit her freckled ass down and learn how to Photoshop. But you’d be wrong, because unless Photoshop starts paying her bills, she isn’t going to waste a single second on that shit. And that’s how busted pictures like this are born!
The Apricot Ashtray is still in Paris teaching French rats how to cook, Ratatouille-style, and claiming it as community service hours (NO – she’s there for fashion week), and last night she posted the above picture to Instagram of herself looking like Dancing Pumpkin Guy’s rode hard put away extra thirsty second cousin in a room at the Plaza Athénée, and unless the Plaza Athénée is a carnival-themed hotel and she’s staying in the Fun House Suite, something is very wrong with the ass end of her body. Either she tried to make her ass bigger by pulling it out or tried to shrink her waist and thighs. But I think no matter what she did, we can all agree that it’s a damn mess.
Then again, years of partying, fame whoring, and dollar store spray tans might have done long-term damage to her brain, so maybe this image is actually an accurate representation of what LiLo sees. “Hey, something’s wrong with the door frame – why isn’t it all squiggly?”
On Tuesday night, the cold sore England caught from America Lindsay Lohan went to a Kanye West concert in Paris. That’s actually not the dumb thing Lindsay Lohan did, although it is pretty dumb, since going to a Kanye West ‘concert’ usually means paying too much money to stand around in a crowd of dum dums listening to Kanye scream his delusional bus rantings through a microphone. The dumb thing is actually what she did after the show. The Apricot Ashtray posted a picture of Kanye’s concert to Instagram with the caption:
“#kanye&kimAlldaynigga$ fun show #PFW#goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner”
Shortly after she posted it, several Instagram users shot that freckled mess a ‘ho, NO’ side-eye and slapped at her for using the n-word, so she quickly deleted “nigga$” and re-captioned it: “#kanye&kimAllday fun show #PFW #goodpeople=goodlife all from good moms!!!!!! @dinalohan @krisjenner“. That sneaky trick tried to pretend it never happened. But because it happened on the internet, the original caption was screen grabbed and bitch was busted.
Today, a rep for Lindsay (hi Dina! Don’t stand up too fast or you’ll get the spins) released a statement to The Daily Mail saying that “She is a friend of his, it is his new song, her intention was not to offend anyone and she apologizes.”
Now if only she’d issue a statement regarding the rest of the words in that caption. Good people? All from good moms?? Excuse you, but you owe reality an apology.