If Lindsay Lohan didn’t scrub her Instagram page clean and was still posting it, I would say that we should all prepare to see pics from her “mystery trip” in the Middle East, because her mom’s got serious, serious bills to pay and Dina Lohan can’t pay them herself. Are you crazy? When White Oprah even thinks of the word “job,” she breaks out into invisible hives and the only cure is a refreshing Long Island Iced tea from T.G.I. Friday’s.
Charlie Sheen has a direct-to-TV movie coming out soon called Mad Families, which I’ve learned isn’t a documentary about the people who receive his child support checks. It’s appropriate that Charlie is promoting a movie with the word “mad” in the title, because Charlie is still very mad at Rihanna for that time she wouldn’t wave him and his ex-fiancée Brett Rossi over to her table at a restaurant. He also had something to say about Jenny McCarthy, Selma Blair, and Jennifer Grey. You leave Baby out of this, Charlie!
Multilingual poetess Lindsay Lohan is starting fresh this new year by scrubbing her Instagram free of posts. That’s a lot of “sexy” posing, accusations of cheating with Russian hookers against shady former fiancés, and nonsensical and disingenuous pleas for human rights erased forever from the historical record! Actually, you can probably just click a toggle switch and bring them right back, right? Don’t panic!
USWeekly quotes Lindsay’s rep explaining why she chose to bleach her Instagram clean of content. She got her “period!” (She’s relieved that she’s not pregnant, so she’s starting anew out of gratitude! Wait, no… I think I read that wrong.)
Lohan is “in a period of renewal” and “has been making positive changes in her life,” her rep tells Us Weekly. The 30-year-old actress herself voiced her high hopes for 2017. “I am so excited for this new chapter in my life!” she tells Us in a statement.
Before burning her Instagram down, one of Lindsay’s most recent posts was a ridiculous poem in which she wondered if ISIS could be defeated with her lips (I’ll leave it to you to decide which set). Sure, she might have wiped her social media slate clean to start fresh. But she also might have come down from whatever chemical component was inspiring her poetry and realized what she sounded like and wiped her Instagram out of embarrassment.
Who am I kidding, this is Lindsay. Maybe there’s actually someone in her family with a modicum of dignity and some concern who called her on whatever yacht she’s wintering on and suggested she cut the shit with the Instagram attention-sluttery. Is Nana Lohan still alive?
The Mother Theresa of Turkey has taken a break from staring her iPhone while waiting for Tina Fey to call her about her Mean Girls 2 treatment and dribbled out a poem dedicated to ISIS where I think she said that she wants to destroy terrorism with her kisses. Well, I guess if there’s an STD that causes you to destroy terrorism with your mouth, that’s the STD to have. Lindsay Lohan sliced her finger open while yachting once, so she totally understands the horrifying plight of Syrian refugees and wants to save them and the world. While many people do nothing about Syria, LiLo posted this Ode to World Peace (and to herself, it’s mostly an ode to herself).
She’s really a regular E.E. CummingInMeCostsExtra.
But really, if LiLo recorded that poem and sent it to ISIS, there’s a chance that all of the terrorists would hear her “Russian grandma after a dozen shots of novocaine” accent and put their weapons down to rip their own ears off. So maybe she really could destroy ISIS with her poetry? What if she did? Oh fuck, I think read her poem so many times that I got contact high.
Just in time for New Year’s, Lindsay Lohan has cracked open a bottle of Cold Duck, raised a plastic red cup and burped out “I’m still here y’all!!!” Yes darling, we know. Who can forget the time when you damn near lost your finger in October during a boating accident? And, of course, by “boating accident” I mean carelessly leaving your finger just a little too close to the razor while you’re cutting the boogie sugar. Well this time it’s good news!
You can say what you want about Lindsay Lohan, but you can’t say that her attention-whoring isn’t topical. Lindsay was supposed to yacht her ass to the British town of Kettering and turn on their Christmas lights. Perhaps confusing the Kettering’s Christmas lights with a movie set (back when she was a working actress who got paid to show up on those), she tweeted a video apology to the town on Friday saying she wouldn’t be able to make it. She’s super busy trolling Ariana Grande and her fans on Instagram and losing digits on yachts. But why Kettering? Why is she ruining Christmas for an entire town? And what does it have to do with the Brexit? It’s a fascinating story (isn’t it always with Lindsay?), so grab your ciggies and let’s go!