Category: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan’s Slam Piece List Is Real, So Says Lindsay Lohan

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.

“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”

I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.

The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ’100 proof’ written on it.

Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.

File Under DUH: Oprah Won’t Be Bringing “Lindsay” Back For A Second Season

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s play a game! Without cheating, let’s see if you can guess why Oprah won’t be renewing Lindsay Lohan’s reality show Lindsay. Are you ready? Okay, GO! If you guessed any of the following: booze, drugs, being a fuck-up, being difficult, being a difficult fuck-up, being a difficult drunk fuck-up, you’d be WRONG, because it was a trick question! The answer is low ratings (the answer is always low ratings).

The series finale for Lindsay airs this Sunday, and it sounds like Blo may want to throw herself another booze-soaked viewing party, because The Daily Mail says that it might be her last. Oprah was planning on renewing Lindsay’s reality series if it turned out to be a success, but it wasn’t. The premiere episode only took in 700,000 viewers, which may seem like a lot, until you realize that old-ass re-runs of The Big Bang Theory get about 4 million viewer. 70,000 viewers puts Lindsay in the same category as informercials and the stock footage of parks they show on DOG-TV. Since Oprah doesn’t really give two freckled Lohan shits about the Apricot Ashtray’s road to recovery unless she’s getting paid, she’s cutting her losses and moving on to a better money maker (Iyanla: Fix My Life Pt.2 – Keep Fixin’!)

And it sounds like out-of-work Lindsay can’t fall back on sitcom guest appearances either. According to Radar, Lindsay’s appearance on 2 Broke Girls was their lowest-rated episode of the season, nearly 1 million viewers less than an average episode. And that says a lot, since people who watch 2 Broke Girls aren’t exactly discerning viewers to begin with (aww, JK 2 Broke Girls. Any show with Jennifer Coolidge can’t be half bad).

So there ends another full rotation on the Merry Go Round of Lindsay Lohan’s life: she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, she gets another chance, she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, etc etc until she runs out of chances on earth, and she finds herself a rocket and starts bargaining with aliens.

Here’s more of Lindsay in London on Monday. I really hope there’s a current resume in that backpack, because she’s going to need it.

Pics: Flame Flynet

Lindsay Lohan Drank Vodka At Coachella

April 15, 2014 / Posted by:

I know, saying “Lindsay Lohan Drank Vodka At Coachella” is like saying “A Kardashian Lazily Sucked A Black Dick.” You look at those words with blank eyes while slowly chewing your everything bagel with cream cheese and butter and you think to yourself, “And?”

Lindsay Lohan is as good at making smart decisions as she is at properly moisturizing her parched, cotton-mouthed weave, so this weekend she, a supposedly newly sober-ish trick, took her ass to Coachella, a desert booze playground where the dust is laced with coke and the farts coming out of the fake hipsters are made of 90% molly. A source type tells InTouch Weekly that on Saturday, LiLo, who admitted on her reality shit show that she relapsed, was backstage with friends and her sister The Curious Case of Ali Lohan during Kid Cudi’s set and she was sipping a cup full of “clear liquid.” It was obviously water and by “obviously water” I mean obviously vodka since vodka is the Lohan family’s water. The source also claims that they watched LiLo’s friend hand her a vodka soda. The source snorted this out:

“She looked completely out of it. She couldn’t stand up straight and she was frantically chain smoking cigarettes. In one of her hands she had a plastic cup with a clear liquid in it. The group was standing in a small cabana, booth type thing and one of the friends was making regular trips to the bar. I overheard the friend order four vodka sodas and when he carried them back to the group, he handed one to Lindsay and she started drinking it. She didn’t seem to care who saw and none of the group seemed concerned.”

TMZ said that before LiLo went off to CokeHella she vowed that she wouldn’t let the sweet nectar touch her tongue, but that’s like me saying I’m going to go to PornHub and not fap.

On LiLo’s reality shit show on OWN Lindsay: Moving And Setting Alarm Clocks Is Hard, she always farts at the mouth about how she’s SO sober that she can be at a club for hours with her coked-up friends and watch them get drunk while she sips water, because she’s THAT sober. That tells me that this bitch has never been one hundred percent sober while partying with a bunch of drunk bitches. Because nothing makes you want to guzzle down booze like sitting in the middle of a bunch of drunken whores acting a drunken mess.

Pic: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan Called Up Her BFF On Letterman Last Night

April 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Greta the Gremlin’s shady pill-gobbling half-sister, Lindsay Lohan, accidentally took a wrong turn on her way to the human ashtray convention and drunkenly wandered onto the set of The Late Show Wednesday night. While there, she sat with David Letterman (in a chair that was later fumigated to hell and back, then mercifully destroyed) to talk about the reality show that will surely sweep every category at this year’s Delusional Dirtbag Emmys, Lindsay (aka the weekly reminder that your parents did alright with you and you should send them a Blue Mountain e-card).

Since Blohan’s version of Jiminy Cricket is a tiny stupid crackhead who turns tricks inside her ratty weave, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when she answered the question David asked about the editing on her show by throwing massive amounts of freckled shade at Saint Oprah and the Saviour Crew at OWN. Remember Sunday’s episode where the Apricot Ashtray fucks up a meeting with a Sony executive in LA and gets called out for boozing? She didn’t actually say some of those things! Her words were taken out of context! It’s all meant to create drama for the show! They just want ratings! It’s all a conspiracy! (Snnooooooorrrtttt) I’m sober! Where’s my money? Oprah? I need money! Ow, did I just step on a glass pipe?

At which point, Lindsay’s crackhead conscience sounded the ‘YOU’RE BROKE, BITCH’ alarm (it sounds a little something like this) and screamed at her to start kissing Oprah’s ass again. So Lindsay convinced David Letterman to call up Oprah, because remember? She talks to Oprah every day! In a move of total perfect cuntiness, Oprah told David and the Late Show audience that the little grifter that could is “doing okay” followed by asking him “What do you think?” Oh Oprah. Anyone with a set of working eyeballs and the ability to detect vodka and mouthwash cocktails knows that the answer to that question. You shady bitch.

Lindsay Lohan Admits To Falling Off The Wagon On Her Reality Shit Show

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

During every messy episode of Lindsay Lohan’s reality show masquerading as a serious docu-series called Lindsay on OWN, a commercial for Cliffside Malibu, the latest rehab place she recently spent time in, plays. Who the hell at Cliffside approved that shit, because Lindsay Lohan is the last endorsement they should want. They should pull a Mimi and pretend like they don’t know her ass. But then again, most people have to suck off at least two bottles of Jack Daniels to deal with LiLo’s insufferableness for a full hour, so maybe Cliffside thinks that by the end of the season, they’ll have a bunch of new patients. Genius marketing!

On last week’s episode of Blohan’s Cracked Out Hour Of Delusion, she cried, moaned and bitched about how her agents and managers aren’t pushing to get her cast in movies and that she could’ve been in The Avengers, dammit! LiLo told her life coach AJ Johnson (Hi, Sharane from House Party) that she’s always telling her agents to set her up with meetings and she’ll be there. So on last night’s episode, AJ put LiLo on a call with a Sony executive who greenlights projects. LiLo and the executive supposedly had a really good conversation and made plans to meet the next week when she’s in L.A. But because LiLo is as reliable as a dead fly stuck to a dried turd, she skipped out on the meeting with the Sony executive, because she woke up at 12:00 and the meeting was at 12:30. I guess LiLo needed longer than 20 minutes to take a quick whore bath in the sink and rinse last night’s party and john out of her mouth.

But before LiLo went off to L.A. and blew off that studio executive (and not in the way she usually blows off studio executives), AJ brought up a recent dinner where White Oprah told her that LiLo was back on the bottle. In the clip above, LiLo’s baked Play-Doh face contorts when AJ tells her that she also saw wine in LiLo’s apartment. LiLo denied falling off the wagon and gets pissed at AJ for bringing that shit up in front of the cameras and slaps AJ with some “I thought we were friends” crap. I guess LiLo’s idea of a “truthful docu-series” is a reality show where she doesn’t talk about anything serious and just unpacks boxes on camera all day.

Since LiLo only likes to surround herself with a bunch of Enablerham Lincolns who sew their lips to her asshole, she dropped AJ from her life. LiLo was supposed to stay with AJ while she was in L.A. and that didn’t happen. LiLo didn’t call AJ while she was in L.A. and refused to let OWN’s cameras film her. When they both went back to NYC,  they had an awkward conversation at a restaurant. LiLo eventually made her tortured assistant tell AJ that she didn’t want to talk to her. AJ quit and LiLo continued to be LiLo.

LiLo later admitted in the episode that she drank a glass of wine, which means she probably really guzzled down Trader Joe’s entire wine section in two hours.

Also during last night’s episode, LiLo canceled a scheduled shoot, which she promised Oprah she wouldn’t do anymore. So far what I’ve learned from watching 5 hours of Lindsay is that LiLo is a freckled faucet of lies, takes responsibility for nothing, blames everyone but herself, is made up of 100% delusion and is Neely O’Hara without the glamour. Basically, I learned shit I’ve known about LiLo since before Obama was president. Thanks, Oprah!

And after AJ broke up with that crazy disaster, she probably went home and celebrated by doing the House Party dance:

Lindsay Lohan Couldn’t Make A $300 Purchase Because Her Credit Cards Were Declined

April 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I never thought I’d live to see the day I’d have something in common with Lindsay Lohan (since I don’t inject my face with low-grade rubber cement and I haven’t fucked a Saudi businessmen for a stale bump of coke and half a pack of Parliaments) but I can completely relate to hearing the shameful words: “I’m sorry ma’am (they always rub salt in the wound by using “ma’am”) but your card was declined.” And trust me, I have been declined for amounts much, much lower than $300; so today, and only today, the Apricot Ashtray has my deepest sympathy.

According to Page Six, while shopping at Rag & Bone in Soho this weekend, Blohan shocked everyone in the store when she actually tried to pay for the clothes she wanted. However, her brilliant plan to try to be responsible backfired on her, because that broke bitch couldn’t find a credit card she hadn’t yet maxed out:

“Lindsay was trying to buy something for around $300 but her credit cards were declined. She looked really embarrassed and tried to negotiate before her friend finally stepped in and paid.”

Forget Oprah, bitch needs Suze Orman. It doesn’t matter how much she finds her truth or reaches for her light or whatever snake oil Oprah is selling these days, LiLo will be a professional freckled-faced fuck-up till the day she dies (which will be around 109, cause bitch is part-cockroach). Her life will always be a sticky mess, so why not get Suze Orman in there to gat least teach her how to manage it without going completely broke? “Lindsay, I see here that you spend $3,000 a month on Adderall, but if you switched to generic amphetamines, you could save nearly $900 a year and re-invest that money into a diverse portfolio of clear alcohols. And whenever you’re thinking about snorting coke residue off a dirty dick for $5, don’t forget to ask yourself: is this a need or a want?”

Lindsay Lohan Says She Talks To Oprah Every Day (Uh Huh)

March 28, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve never experienced the joy of accidentally sitting beside a ‘looks normal/sounds crazy’ crazy person on the subway (you know – the kind who’s reading an issue of Time, wearing a suit, and staring uncomfortably into your eyes before asking “When do you think the government will release the secret tapes of Jesus testifying against Allstar Seaworthy?”) you’re in luck, because Lindsay Lohan’s most recent appearance on Ellen is a pretty reasonable facsimile. Blohan was there to promote the “docu-series” (which is the conscious uncoupling way of saying ‘reality show’) Oprah Winfrey gave to her, and when asked about The Mighty O, her brain burped out this piece of dried airplane glue:

“I speak to her almost every day, and she’s just…she’s been so amazing to me. Just, you know, for everything, even before the show was coming out”

Lindsay Lohan must be snorting some next-level shit to think that when she dials the phone number given to her by the OWN producers, she is actually speaking with Oprah. Nobody talks to Oprah but Oprah; she only communicates with people by standing in front of a mirror and letting one of her dogs write down what she says. Then again, Blohan has the brain of a not-smart 2nd grader, so she’s probably pretty easy to trick. For example, when I was 5, someone called my house claiming to be Santa, and I was 100% sure I was speaking to Kris fucking Kringle himself, because kids are dumb. Same goes for Lohans; the producers at OWN probably figured out pretty early on and assigned an intern to answer all her drunk-dials. “Hey Lindsay, this is Brad…I mean Oprah. Are you finding your truth or whatever?”

And speaking of trying to pull a fast one, Ellen tried to casually bring up her rumoured fuck list, the Apricot Ashtray changed the subject faster than a Lohan at a DUI checkpoint. Ellen had reminded Blo about her first time on Ellen where she sang a sad break-up song, to which Ellen jokingly asking if she remembered who it was about, followed by “I heard there’s a list going around”. That’s when Lindsay coughed out the words most likely to shut any conversation down: “It was Wilmer Valderrama. Nothing makes people want to change the subject faster than picturing that sleazy parasite. Bravo, Lindsay; I’m going to have to steal that one for the next time I get backed into a corner at a party.

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James Franco Shouldn’t Be On Lindsay Lohan’s Slam Piece List, So Says James Franco

March 27, 2014 / Posted by:

According to James Franco, that picture was not taken after Lindsay Lohan queefed on his face while he was eating her out, because he’s never eaten her out.

A couple of weeks ago, James Franco’s name was on a list that InTouch Weekly published of dudes who probably had a dick wart or two frozen off after sticking their peens between Lindsay Lohan’s freckled jerky curtains. InTouch claims that LiLo drunkenly made the list with friends at a bar at the Beverly Hills Hotel last year and “accidentally” left the list on a table. While talking to Los Angeles Magazine about his new book of material to get your eye-rolling muscle in shape (aka his new book of poetry), the douche of all trades brought up the list and says he’s never put his peen on LiLo’s green eggs and ham.

You wrote about several celebrities in this book, including a couple of poems about Lindsay Lohan. Have you gotten any response from any of these people?

No, I didn’t write anything bad about them. And Lindsay herself has told lies about me with her people-she’s-slept-with list! So I feel like what I said is much less than what she’s said.

I guess James really is sticking with that story, because last year he told Howard Stern that LiLo tried to get on his dick at the Chateau Marmont and he turned her down:

“Oh, gosh. Poor Lindsay. I haven’t talked to her in a while. We were friends. My house in L.A. was being redone, so I did this thing where I just stayed at the hotel, and she had been living there for a couple years.

I mean, I don’t want to brag about it. I don’t know how that got out. [Lindsay] was having issues even then, so you feel weird. Honestly, she was a friend. I’ve met a lot of people that are troubled and sometimes you don’t want to do that.”

The fact that Seth Rogen’s cuddle time buddy doesn’t even consider the possibility that InTouch Weekly just made that list up by trolling through old tabloid stories makes me think that, yes, he hit that. But there’s an easy way to confirm if this is true or not. Just check the Chateau Marmont maintenance and housekeeping records from when James stayed there and if there’s several complaints of an odor that reeks of “rotten ground beef cooking in a pot of boiling vinegar and spoiled tuna fish water,” we’ll know that it totally happened.

The Mighty O Drops Two F-Bombs On Lindsay Lohan While Telling That Mess Off

March 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The first two episodes of Lindsay Lohan’s reality shit show masquerading as a “docu-series” felt like the pilot episode for HGTV’s future hit Crack House Hunters. It was two hours of the self-entitled freckled cigarette stain crying and whining about how hard it is finding a multi-million dollar luxury apartment in SoHo to rent with OWN’s money. But finally, on last night’s episode shit got serious when The Mighty O descended from her throne on Mt. Olympus to use a bunch of bullshit self-help phrases to tell LiLo, “Fuck with my money and I will DESTROY you.”

Just like the preview showed, Lindsay Lohan pulled a Lindsay Lohan when she canceled a scheduled shoot just as the crew arrived at her apartment to start shooting for the day. Word got back to Oprah that Lindsay Lohan is costing production money by canceling shoots and showing up late, so during a scheduled “check-in” at White Oprah’s Long Island Den of Delusion, the Mighty O spits a couple of fuck words at LiLo’s rubber corpse face. LiLo serves Oprah the usual eye roll-worthy crap when she, a trick whose heart can’t beat without a camera in her face, says that it’s taking her some time getting used to the cameras and she’s never shot a reality show before. This bitch is getting paid way too much money to let cameras follow her around and she still finds something to bitch about. If you or me showed up to our first day on a job and left after 25 minutes, because we needed more time to adjust to working, a pink slip would be shoved up our b-holes before we even put the key in our car in the parking lot. But LiLo needs time.

So Oprah tells LiLo that if she doesn’t want to do this, the cameras will go away and they’ll all go their separate ways. Oprah also reminds LiLo that this is probably her last shot and she needs to cut the bullshit. LiLo eventually says it’s what she wants and that was Oprah’s assistant’s cue to call the movers at LiLo’s SoHo apartment to let them know they don’t have to put that trick’s ugly stuff on the curb… yet.

I do love a good Oprah smack down, but she was acting like she really cares about LiLo when we all know she mostly cares about the show, her network and the money she spent on this crap. It’s almost like Oprah was speaking in code to LiLo. Here’s what Oprah said and what I heard:

What Oprah said: “When you change a schedule you know what happens. You’re a professional woman. It’s not just for you, you got a whole team of people who are relying on YOU right now for this particular experience. For creating this documentary. If you don’t want that, then change that. That’s what I’m saying. If you don’t want it, it’s okay.”

What I heard: “You professional fuck-up! If you keep costing mama money, I’m going to put your skank ass out on the streets where it belongs and I’ll sue the bootleg fillers right out of your ungrateful lips.”

What Oprah said: “You are going to have to prove the naysayers wrong, you really are. The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. And that shouldn’t frighten you, that should liberate you. That should liberate you. Because if I were you, I wouldn’t let them have me.”

What I heard: “If you don’t start pretending like you’re not a fuck-up and continue to humiliate me in front of the naysayers, there won’t be anything for the vultures to pick, because I would’ve already ripped the crack-coated white meat right off of your bones, bitch.”

What Oprah: “I believe that you believe that this is your time to turn things around for yourself. I believe that. I believe you when you told me that. If that is the case, then you are not going to fuck it up.”

What I heard: “This is your last shot, hussy. If you fuck with me, you won’t even be able to get a job as a substitute fluffer for Brazzers. You cost production one more cent and I will cancel the show and cancel YOUR LIIIIIIFE. That is your truth, that is my truth, that is THEE truth.”

And on next week’s episode, the real Oprah has a word with White Oprah and I can’t wait. I hope the real Oprah gives it to the fake Oprah and only one Oprah comes out alive. Don’t fuck it up, Oprah.

Orlando Bloom And Ashton Kutcher Make An Appearance On Lindsay Lohan’s List Of Famous Slam Pieces

March 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan is a coke-infused snot bubble of insufferableness and delusion, and she’s about as tolerable and pleasant as a spiked dildo, but last week I stood up and clapped for her slut game when InTouch Weekly published a list of some of the famous dicks she’s supposedly taken a ride on. What’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to fuck a bunch of hot famous people? If you’re famous and don’t say, “Yeah, I’ve sucked that dick,” about every other presenter while watching the Golden Globes, you’re doing “being famous” wrong. The celebrity guest list for LiLo’s freckled cooch included hot pieces like Zac Efron (HA!), Justin Timberlake and Jamie Dornan. All three of those dudes have since overdosed with shame, said goodbye to public life and are now living in a monastery. They’ll never be heard from again. Well, they might get some company at the monastery, because in this week’s InTouch Weekly they squirted out even more names from the fuck list that LiLo supposedly made while boozing with friends in the bar at The Beverly Hills Hotel last January.

liloflisttake3

The second round of “Whose peen has paid a visit to Lindsay Lohan’s crackie cooch?” includes Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe, Starving Nachos (Wonky McValtrex’s ex), Danny Cipriani (English rugby player and Kelly Brook’s ex), Maggio Cipriani (heir to the Cipriani restaurant empire), Benicio Del Toro, Aaron Voros (hockey player who used to play for the New York Rangers), Orlando “Orli” Bloom, Brian@GPH (whatever that means), Josh Mond (movie producer), Riley S (whoever that is) and Petey Wright (model). Wilmer Valderrama AND Ashton Kutcher? If Topher Grace and Danny Masterson’s names aren’t under those blurred bars, they’re going to feel so left out, or relieved that they aren’t on the CDC’s “Sluts To Watch” list.

InTouch plans to release more names next week, but let’s all guess! I’m going to guess the rest of names are: SamRo, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Butler, Larry King, Richard Burton’s corpse (it was for research!), the tit-chewing dog from Mean Girls and Herbie the Love Bug.

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