No, you didn’t fall into a time warp that transported back to the ‘passed out in a grey hoodie‘ Lindsay Lohan years. This happened in this year, 2016. According to Radar, Dina Lohan’s two daughters got kicked out of a Manhattan bar on Friday night for acting like two trashy messes. “That’s my girlsssss” burped Dina in between glugs of vodka.
It all started late on Friday night when Lindsay (who I guess is on vacation from her full-time job of yacht hopping and Instagram tea hustling) and Ali Lohan and some of their friends barged into a place called Vbar and ran straight to the bathroom. After 20 minutes, a bartender knocked on the door and asked them to come out. When they wouldn’t come out, the bartender told them they had to leave, and that’s when LiLo swung open the door and went full-Lohan.
Rather than slink back out into the street without causing a scene, the Apricot Ashtray became “aggressive and belligerent“, and allegedly started screaming at a West African bartender in a not-right African accent. A source claims LiLo’s eyes were glazed over, and she hissed “This is New York. You’re not from here.” Shockingly, that’s not the trashiest thing that came out of Lindsay’s mouth that night.
“They wouldn’t leave and all hell was breaking loose and that’s when Lindsay spat in our friend’s face. The bar then erupted and everyone was yelling at them to leave.”
Eventually LiLo and Ali left, but they returned a short while later to stand outside the bar and film people with their cellphones, and slam their hands against the windows. But it doesn’t end there! Radar says that half an hour later, one of LiLo’s friends returned to the bar and tried to fight a bartender. When a bar patron started recording it, he grabbed their phone and tried to run off with it. That’s when the police were called, but Lindsay and Ali Lohan were long gone. The bartender denied to press charges against LiLo’s friend.
But what did Lindsay do next? Well, Lindsay responded to this mess by throwing up an inspirational quote to Instagram. Which is sort of ironic, considering the person she spat on will probably throw up every time they remember that time Lindsay Lohan hocked a toxic loogie in their face.
Jennifer Lawrence has already said that a man’s fart fumes are her Spanish Fly and she’s admitted to being a sink pisser. On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, JLaw decided to talk about another bodily function. No, she didn’t talk about her period berries. I’m sure she’s saving that for the next press tour. JLaw talked about how she’s always barfing. I know, Jennifer Lawrence is so damn relatable and so real that it makes me want to barf. JLaw puked up these stream of words about being a puker, and she woke up the fame whore beast while doing so:
“I puked yesterday. I’m a puker. I’m a big-time puker. I don’t stop working, because I’m a show pony. I don’t have a choice. So I just keep going and eventually my body’s just like, ‘If we don’t make her barf or pass out, she won’t stop.’ I get like Lindsay Lohan grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol. I’m always in bed early and I’m still tired.”
You can watch the entire interview here if you want.
Five minutes after Jennifer Lawrence said the name “Lindsay Lohan” out loud and on TV, I’m sure a passed out LiLo was awakened by her phone vibrating from the Google Alerts that alert her to the fact that someone famous said her name in the year 2015. Jennifer Lawrence and Lindsay Lohan sort of have a history….
LiLo supposedly said in a drunken interview once that JLaw fucks for roles (LiLo’s rep denied she said that). LiLo also slapped on JLaw on Twitter for making a really harmless joke about Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. So maybe Jennifer Lawrence was getting a bitch back, or maybe she doesn’t care about that shit LiLo said and simply pulled that crack out of her ass. Whatever the case may be, LiLo and her sister, the Curious Case of Ali Lohan, took JLaw’s joke real seriously. Ali Lohan tweeted that she’s disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence and is no longer a fan. LiLo re-tweeted that tweet and later brought Maya Angelou into it:
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) December 15, 2015
So many “getting high” jokes, so little time. But seriously, it’s weird that LiLo posted the revised version of Maya’s poem. The original would’ve been much more fitting in this situation. The original goes like this:
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, I’ll fuck your man and steal your purse, bitch!
So far this year, the one-time reigning Queen of Attention Whores has done sad, bottom of the barrel stunts like announce that she may run for president and flash a fake engagement ring at a party. Pure amateur attention whore shit. Lindsay Lohan’s latest stunt is just as low-level and she’s truly not making the most of her natural attention whore skills. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day that Lucifer butt birthed out Charles Manson and it was also the day that Lindsay Lohan Instagrammed a picture of herself in Sharon Tate drag. LiLo captioned the pic with this and I was going to say that she forgot to add the #LOOKATME hashtag but every one of her hashtags translates into #LOOKATME.
Lindsay Lohan may look like Sharon Tate currently, but other than that, I have no idea how that look is Sharon Tate inspired. It looks more like a Coachella business suit. And there are a few explanations for this, so let’s go over them real quick:
1. LiLo didn’t know it was Charles Manson’s birthday and can’t let go of playing Sharon Tate in a movie.
2. LiLo did know it was Charles Manson’s birthday, but decided to spend the day honoring the victims.
3. She did it solely for attention.
I know, I don’t even know why I bothered writing #1 and #2. And well, I’d rather see LiLo do her best Sharon Tate than look at another heave-inducing picture of her making food look like an alien autopsy:
via Gossip Cop
Did you hear that Lindsay Lohan was spotted wearing a ring on THAT finger? Of course, you didn’t. LiLo did wear a ring on THAT finger, but absolutely nobody cared. Well, that’s not really true. Page Six cared, and Celebuzz cared and I cared enough to post about it, so that makes a total of three of us!
LiLo is still living in London, doing whatever it is the hell she does there, and she went to a Slutoween party at The Cuckoo Club (how fitting) last night dressed up like some kind of clearance section Frederick’s of Hollywood vampire cat burglar. Apparently, LiLo made sure that everyone saw the shiny ring on her engagement finger and she flaunted it while posing for pictures. But the only thing that LiLo is engaged to is desperation. That ring is straight from Van Cleef & Look At Me is made of 14k attention whore and a princess cut troll stone. Some source type said this to Page Six about LiLo’s sad ring stunt:
“She has lost her mind. She did it as a joke for her friends and wanted to see what people would do or say.”
Oh, how the mighty attention whores have fallen. LiLo has to resort to low-rent stunts like this (and like announcing she’s running for president on Instagram) to get attention. Just sad. Whatever happened to the days where she’d get attention by posing for Playboy and by giving us a fashion show at the court house and by hitting tricks in the head with a bottle at clubs and by playing a bootleg Liz Taylor in a Lifetime movie? What am I saying? We don’t want those days back. I better not encourage her to go back to that kind of fuckery. So, I’ll just say that this engagement ring stunt was really good. She really, really got us. Maybe she can get us again on April 1st by saying she’s pregnant on Facebook. We’ll totally fall for it.
And somewhere in London, a British socialite is wondering where her diamond ring is.
Lindsay Lohan let the world know via Instagram that she’s mulling running for POTUS. I don’t even know where to begin. Actually, I do – she does know the “White House” doesn’t refer to the stuff she’s snorted only 10 times, right? This one probably thinks there’s just piles of gak laying around the Oval Office.
lindsaylohanIn #2020 I may run for president. Through ups and downs #YESWECAN lets do this @kanyewest 🇺🇸 #truespirits thank your for inspiring us to be better people @barackobama #kanyewest2020 #lindsaylohanat35 #lindsaylohan2020 with #34yearsofEXPERIENCE 🙏🏻 #unitingWORLDnations @aliforneycenter @savethesociety @unicef
The first thing I would like to do as president of is take care of all of the children suffering in the world. #queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country
Does she know you need a job first before you can be president? Does she know that ALLEGEDLY blowing rich dudes from the Middle East doesn’t count as a job in that regard? (Although who knows, maybe she could be the president who finally stops the fighting through fellatio.) 29-years-old and she looks like your great-aunt from Boca who stills keeps her Kools in a pleather cigarette case and lets the Tanqueray guide her in lipstick application.
Although, a drunken Dina Lohan as First Enabler passed out in lane 3 of the White House bowling alley would be funny.
Here’s pics of Lohan arriving to and departing from a party at Morton’s in London below.
Pics: WENN, Getty
Great, now Cody Lohan has to smear his face with dirt, put on his rag costume, grab his cardboard sign and stand in front of the supermarket to peddle for vodka money for his mom, because their Fox News settlement money is not coming.
Earlier this year, Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah tossed a lawsuit at Fox News because a guest on Sean Hannity’s show accused them of doing coke together. A few days after Phillip Seymour Hoffman died, Sean Hannity did a segment on his show called, “Early Train Wrecks And Tragedies About To Happen,” and one of his guests, Michelle Fields, said that White Oprah does coke with her daughter. Fox News quickly apologized. But since apologies aren’t going to pay White Oprah’s bar tab, she and LiLo threw a defamation lawsuit at Fox News. They claimed that Michelle Fields’ comment smeared and stained their pristine reputations. They do have a point, because their reputations are as pure as a baby bunny’s first tear.
White Oprah and LiLo, of course, wanted cash. They’re not getting a dime, though, because TMZ says that a judge tossed the case out of court today. The judge declared that the comment wasn’t made “maliciously,” their both public figures and LiLo has admitted to snorting the bad shit before. This old recording of LiLo saying that White Oprah did coke also probably didn’t help:
White Oprah and LiLo also sued Michelle Fields. TMZ doesn’t know if that lawsuit also ended up in the dumpster.
This is an INJUSTICE and I hope LiLo appeals. Because Michelle Fields’ claim is false and it is damaging to LiLo’s reputation. Michelle Fields basically said that LiLo shares and now everybody’s going to think that LiLo will share her shit with them. LiLo needs to take this all the way to the Supreme Court!
Lindsay Lohan, seen above proving why it’s so important to get vaccinated, was supposed to make an appearance during the Toronto International Film Festival on Sunday. No, she wasn’t there to present a special 8th anniversary screening of the modern cinematic masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me (I wish). Page Six says she was supposed to be at a club on Sunday night to promote her upcoming film Inconceivable. Unfortunately, everybody who was hoping to catch a glimpse of the Apricot Ashtray is about to let out a disappointed sigh of sadness, because LiLo will not be there. And because we’re dealing with the poster child for lying, nobody has a straight answer for why Lindsay is bailing.
According to the event organizer, it’s because “the timing did not work out for everyone to get to Toronto.” So basically, Lindsay couldn’t get her ass on a plane from whatever place her most current gentleman friend’s yacht is parked in. However other sources are whispering it’s because she has a criminal record and Canada don’t play that. One source said:
“Canada is pretty strict about that. It is not easy to get in if you have had any type of record.”
Other sources claim it has nothing to do with LiLo’s collection of mug shots and everything to do with her being a demanding freckled diva. They say Lindsay refused to fly to Toronto unless it was in first class. Obviously a movie that barely exists on the internet doesn’t have a budget big enough for such shenanigans, so when they slid a coach ticket into her hands, she decided she wasn’t going.
A rep for the producers of Inconceivable told Page Six: “I just know she was not able to come” because she is “busy.” It’s true – hustling tea on Instagram is a very demanding job.
I’m a Canadian person, so I totally know what’s going on here. Back in 2012, there was a massive million-dollar maple syrup heist. Lindsay Lohan is known to have sticky fingers, so who knows how much sweet sweet syrup a pro like LiLo would able to stuff into her carry-on? Canada can’t take that kind of a chance.
“I call this next one The Limber Ashtray. Hey, off topic, but do you mind if I crash here for the next couple of months? I’m sorta in between yachts.”
This freckled trick truly won the Powerball lottery of life. While the rest of us were waking up with discount red wine gut bloat on a questionably-stained IKEA mattress (just me? okay), Lindsay Lohan chased her messy naked Italian wedding rampage with waking up on some rich asshole’s fancy yacht in St. Tropez. I know. It’s like, who needs a job and responsibilities when you can do yoga poses on the deck of a yacht in your (probably stolen) underpants?
Lindsay has been Instagramming pics of herself on some yacht – which will no doubt be christened the S. S. Steam Clean This Boat ASAP once she’s done with it – all weekend. She also posted a truly WTF video of herself doing some kind of skanky poop deck strip club dance. But she quickly yanked it down, because apparently Lindsay Lohan does have one last brain cell competent enough to put a hand on her shoulder and whisper “Girl, no.” Thankfully, TMZ and the rest of the internet saved a copy. Warning: The following makes Showgirls look like Swan Lake.
Oh boy. I am not entirely sure what I just saw. It was either Lindsay Lohan’s audition tape for her next yacht stay, or Samara from The Ring‘s slutty older sister filming her own scary tape. I’ll know for sure if I receive a collect call from St. Tropez and the voice on the other end croaks “In seven days…you should go get tested at your local free clinic.”
Lindsay Lohan, the Blanche DuBois of washed-up messes (because she always depends on the kindness of rich Arab men), is still living the high life in Europe and people are still inviting her to things. LiLo was a guest at the wedding of Justin Etzin (the ambassador of tourism for the Seychelles) and model Lana Zakocela in Florence, and she immediately brought the foolery by showing up in a white dress. LiLo told everyone the dress once belonged to Elizabeth Taylor. I think LiLo’s getting her Taylors confused. I think she meant that she stole the dress from a Lord & Taylor.
Page Six says that during the ceremony LiLo behaved like the polite swan we all know her to be by painting her nails and looking at her phone. The source says that LiLo checked out of the reception early and when she got back to her villa, she stripped down to her naked body and ran around while saying that someone drugged her drink.
The wedding was a 4-day long party and at one event, which had an Eyes Wide Shut theme, LiLo was the DJ. The source says she yelled at some trick for taking a picture of her, spoke in a British accent and played Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over and over again. LiLo also claimed someone stole her jewelry. (SPOILER ALERT: It was Lindsay. Lindsay even steals her own jewelry.)
A rep for Justin Etzin claims that all of the above did not happen.
Most weddings are boring, but I’d go to any wedding that LiLo was a guest at. Who cares about the bouquet toss and listening to the best man slobber out some cheesy speech. I’d much rather watch LiLo run around naked while screaming in a British accent about how someone stole her necklace as hos in masks fucked around her (that’s what they mean by an “Eyes Wide Shut theme” right?) and “The Boy Is Mine” played on a loop.
P.S. – Playing “The Boy Is Mine” ten times in a row at someone else’s wedding is one of the funniest things LiLo has ever done. We already knew this, but now we really know to never accuse LiLo of having shame.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.