One word: LIFESIZE
— Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks) April 19, 2017
In case you never watched Life-Size, it’s the story of a young girl, played by a pre-mess Lindsay Lohan, who accidentally brings an Eve doll (a Barbie knock-off) to life using dark magic while trying to bring her mom back from the dead. Eve helps Lindsay Lohan, and then turns herself back into a doll. It’s honestly a really weird movie. Variety describes the plot of Life-Size 2 as basically Life-Size but with fake snow and a mall holiday soundtrack.
In Life-Size 2, Banks will reprise her iconic role as a doll that comes to life, but in the sequel, everyone’s favorite doll, Eve, has grown up. This time, she’s magically awoken to help a young woman learn to live and love again, and along the way, Eve herself will experience the ups and downs of real life in the telepic that’s described by the network as a “fun, edgy, modern Christmas movie.”
A fun and edgy Christmas movie? I guess that means we’re getting a scene where Eve does molly and fucks a mall Santa. Actually, probably not. Life-Size 2 will air on Freeform in December 2018. Tyra Banks will be back to play Eve, because duh, as if she’s going to let someone else take her job again. But no word on who will play that new young woman. Why not…Lindsay Lohan! After all, Lindsay no longer looks anything like 2000s Lindsay Lohan. And if anyone could use a “WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU” speech from Tyra, it’s Lindsay. Lindsay, call your agent!
Last week, Lindsay Lohan posted that picture on Instagram of her working a one piece in the sea and she’s posted other pictures of her in a one piece since. But LiLo has been in the game long enough to know that if she wants the paparazzi she calls to hand over a thicker wad of cash, she has to give them something extra and I’m not talking about a wet handy this time.
LiLo slipped into a burkini to take some paddleboard lessons in Phuket, Thailand last week and the paps took pictures that are very spontaneous and natural. (FYI: You should read “spontaneous” and “natural” with your opposite glasses on.) The Daily Mail got the EXCLUSIVO rights of Turkey’s Mother Teresa and the racial profiling victim just casually posing with a paddle and board while wearing a burkini in Thailand. Heidi Montag’s title as The Most Casual And Natural Poser Of The Ho Stroll has finally been snatched by LiLo.
Now Lindsay Lohan wears a BURKINI https://t.co/VfGQEcO81X
— Daily Mail Celebrity (@DailyMailCeleb) April 5, 2017
Designer Aheda Zanetti, who created the burkini, told The Washington Post in an interview last year that it’s not just for Muslim women. She’s sold burkinis to non-Muslims and men.
LiLo said recently that she’s not sure if she’s going to convert to Islam. I think these pics prove that she hasn’t yet and is still a disciple of the Church of Attention Whores. And the marketing team at Pepsi are totally going to put LiLo in their next commercial after seeing these pictures. LiLo is more of a coke kind of girl, but she’ll gladly switch to Pepsi for a check.
Never has a word looked so completely wrong superimposed over a person. Lindsay Lohan has found herself a new gig that is only a tiny bit less confusing than designing headscarves.
Consider, if you will, a fallen ginger acting angel. The fallen ginger acting angel devolves into an attention-seeking global citizen/yacht girl. Then imagine the attention-seeking global-citizen/yacht girl transitioning into an attention-seeking foreign agent/supposed global savior. Now imagine that attention-seeking foreign agent/supposed global savior (who was raised Irish-Catholic and hails from Long Island) possibly converting to Islam! That move would be the ULTIMATE in sad attention acquisition! Hence, Lindsay Lohan throwing the above image up on her Instagram and hinting that she’s on her way to Mecca via a new fashion line. I’m sure Allah just met with his PR apparatus to collaborate on a public response which will boil down to “no, thank you.”
Lindsay Lohan was on Good Morning Britain today with dried up glob of butt jelly Piers Morgan and she told a story about how she was stopped by an agent at Heathrow in London while trying to catch a flight to New York. No, the agent didn’t stop her because they took one look at her face and believed that she may be The Joker in a bad disguise and is making her way to Gotham City to wreak havoc on it. LiLo says that she was “racially profiled” because of the headscarf she was wearing. And now begins yet another episode of Ginger Wreck, Say What?!
Disney is doing live-action remakes of pretty much all their cartoon movies, because Mickey Mouse is a greedy money whore who knows that fools will throw their cash at anything with the Disney logo on it. Disney is working on a live-action The Little Mermaid, and over the weekend, Lindsay Lohan proved once again that’s she’s the corner where delusion and desperate meet when she said on Instagram that she wants be in it. No, LiLo doesn’t think she should play one of the polyps in Ursula’s garden of poor unfortunate souls. LiLo wants to be 16-year-old Ariel. You know, that idea isn’t that crazy. I mean, Ariel is a klepto and most of her body is covered with slimy scales.