Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Welp, now that camera has to be quarantined.
Seen above blowing a freckled air kiss at the camera (because she NEVER does that pose), Lindsay Lohan proved last night that the world is a weird, fucked-up place and just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, it throws you a drunken, raggedy, haggard curveball at you. LiLo actually made it to the opening night of Speed-The-Plow in London last night and she ALLEGEDLY performed in every performance. I say “allegedly,” because the stage manager could’ve put a dusty, 50-year-old taxidermy ginger Chinese Crested dog on stage in LiLo’s place after she didn’t show up and nobody would’ve known the difference.
The first preview of Speed-ThePlow was a train wreck for some and LiLo, a master at doing lines, didn’t know a lot of her lines. Speed-The-Plow’s opening night happened last night and critics who reviewed the show say that LiLo only missed a couple of lines. It says a lot when LiLo, whose job is to memorize her goddamn lines, has to be fed lines on opening night and everyone goes, “Aw, she only missed two lines. Gold star!”
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!
Lindsay Lohan On Her Messy First Performance Of Speed-The-Plow: “It Could’ve Been A Disaster. I Could’ve Not Shown Up.”
Seen above getting the lenses of the paparazzi’s cameras second hand high by blowing a kiss at ‘em after leaving the Playhouse Theater in London last night, Lindsay Lohan talked to The Mirror about her first performance of Speed-The-Plow that some say was a disaster because she didn’t know her lines and the audience laughed at her ass. LiLo says that the negative shit hos say about her bounces off of her freckled zombie skin and she doesn’t care what the haters think. The haters can eat it, because LiLo ran into Al Pacino at a hotel recently and he told her he was proud of her for doing theater. Yeah, she probably didn’t run into THEE Al Pacino, she ran into some random dude who happens to be named Al Pacino. And he didn’t tell her he was proud of her for doing for theater, he asked her what her hourly rate is, but STILL.
LiLo said that the first night wasn’t a train wreck at all and it could’ve been a whole lot worse:
On how she’s patting herself on the taint for actually showing up to her job: “It could’ve been a disaster – but it wasn’t by far. I could’ve not shown up. But of course I did, it’s my show. Everyone is always going to be judgmental, no matter what. I respect people have an opinion, but I’m doing the best I can and will for the duration. I’m doing this because working makes me feel happy and this is a new venture for me.”
On how theater acting is her new crack: “I was nervous on the first night because I’d never done it before. But everyone has been really great. I love the stage manager…they’ve all been kind, gracious and comforting. Every night feels more natural and comfortable. I’m not used to a live audience, it’s a much quicker buzz.”
“I’m not used to a live audience.” Oh, LiLo, please don’t be that kind of snob who denies her Tijuana donkey show roots.
If LiLo didn’t show up and had to be replaced with a dirty mop with red rubber lips glued to its handle, some people in the audience might’ve considered that a major upgrade. I was going to side-eye LiLo for saying, “MY SHOW,” but the director, stage manager, crew and other cast members probably aren’t bothered by that at all. Let LiLo take full credit for that turd.
Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.
To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???”
And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.
“My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?”
Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.
People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.
“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”
So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!
UPDATE: The L.A. County Coroner’s Office tells TMZ that LieLo is lying. Whitney was never in a body bag and nobody from the probation department went near her body. So throw this one on the mountain of crack delusions from the mind of Lindsay Lohan.
It’s been a long time (read: like 5 minutes) since the freckled bag of delusion spit out a lie-stuffed crack rock and she’s really making up for lost lies by shitting out a big one.
When LiLo violated her probation in 2011 by drunk driving, she was sentenced to four months of community service in the L.A. County Morgue. They sent her to work in the morgue, because they wanted her to see the place she’d send people if she kept drunk driving and because corpses lack this thing called “being alive” which means they can sort of stand being around her. While talking to The Telegraph about that play in London she’s going to get fired from, her time in the morgue was brought up and LiLo said that it was inappropriate for the courts to send her there. A lot of people actually agree with her, because dead people have been through enough. LiLo also made the spirit of Nippy slap the coke buzz out of her head by saying that she personally rolled Whitney Houston’s body bag. This bitch would name drop the names of dead people for attention:
The California courts had decided that her sentence for drink driving and violation of probation should include not only jail time but 12-hour shifts in a morgue. For four months, she worked from 4am to 4pm. It was, as she puts it, “F’d up and inappropriate – because a lot of other people were meant to do it, and they were like: ‘No, they can’t handle it. Lohan can.’ It’s different for me than it would be for other people – like, no one would really have to work at the morgue in LA and roll a body bag for Whitney Houston.”
I’m assuming that this mess means she just rolled a body bag and didn’t actually handle Whitney Houston’s body. If LiLo was allowed anywhere near Nippy’s body, we’d know it. First of all, she’d tweet selfies of her with Nippy’s dead body and TMZ would’ve thrown up a story about how Whitney Houston’s internal organs went missing and it seems like something or someone snorted all the blood out of her body.
To quote Whitney, “Lindsay, I wanna see the receipts!” LiLo probably can’t show us the receipts because the black kid’s got ‘em. So instead I’ll show the receipts that prove that LiLo is most likely doing what she does worst: LIE! Here’s pictures of LiLo with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and her brother in NYC on Saturday, February 11, 2012, the day that Whitney Houston died 2,800 miles away in Beverly Hills, CA.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one (no really, stop me – I CAN’T with this felonious freckled grifter anymore). Lindsay Lohan has once again turned a shady trick on the wrong person and now she’s getting sued, except this time she’s also dragging her younger brother Michael Jr. into it. Congrats on your first lawsuit, Michael Jr., you’re officially your father’s son!
Page Six says that shortly after she left rehab last year, the Apricot Ashtray and her younger brother started working with tech entrepreneur Fima Potik on a mobile app called Spotted Friend, which would allow people to poke around in Blohan’s virtual closet and see the kind of designer shit she’s virtually stolen. She even started prom0ting her new tech venture on Twitter back in July 2013, because she’s basically the coked-up version of Steve Jobs. But just like everything Lindsay gets involved in (singing, fashion design, sobriety) she lost interest and Spotted Friend became just another hazy memory (like sobriety). »
Because the organizers of the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London knew that they needed a fresh-scented, pristine dewdrop to counter the trash skankness wafting off of Kim Kartrashian, they invited Lindsay Lohan to their event at the Royal Opera House last night. LiLo should feel lucky and grateful to be invited to an MD 20/20-sponsored Girls & Corpses Magazine party held in the back room of an off-track betting place in a strip mall LET ALONE a GQ party, but she was still a rusty, freckled thorn in everyone’s right ass lip. Because she’s Lindsay Lohan and that’s what she does.
A source tells The Daily Mirror (via Contact Music) that before the Men of the Year Awards, LiLo’s “people” (read: White Oprah calling from the bar phone at T.G.I. Friday’s because she didn’t want to pay for long distance) demanded that her table be completely free of cooch.
”Lohan’s people were clear that she wanted to be on a table during the lengthy awards surrounded by men. She gets on better with guys and had spent time putting together a sexy look so she wanted to be admired.”
If LiLo really wanted to fill her table with people delusional enough to admire her beauty, she should’ve demanded to be seated with her own family members or a bunch of mirrors.
I can’t throw hate at LiLo for this. Most of us always want to sit at a table full of peen.
First of all, she’s gotta start putting together another celebrity slam piece list to sell to InTouch Weekly and that list isn’t going to fuck and write itself. Second of all, LiLo doesn’t see a table full of just dudes, she sees a table full of potential
meal vodka tickets. LiLo demanding to be surrounded by guys isn’t a diva bitch move, it’s a smart business decision!
Hmmm, what could ever go wrong?
Bad news for hoteliers and sheiks, Lindsay Lohan is no longer available 24 hours a day for all their escorting needs, because she’s shacking up with one of her regulars. InTouch Weekly says that in between terrorizing London and rehearsing for the play that she’ll drop out of 10 minutes before the first performance after she suddenly gets “the flu,” LiLo met an older investment banker type named Patrick Mahony and he’s moved her into his house where he lives with his two young daughters. The source says that LiLo and her sugar daddy are playing house and she’s really bonding with his daughters. That giant wind storm that just blew through England was from every Child Protective Services social worker sighing, because their case load is about to get heavier.
“She’s living with him. Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her. She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”
If this is true, I’m sure it’ll end with LiLo trying to trade his kids for half of an Adderall and a Marlboro Light in the parking lot of a Tesco, but I’m sure they’ll all make beautiful memories together before that happens. Patrick’s daughters will forever remember the time that LiLo gently rubbed their bellies while barking at them in a hushed voice to hurry up and shit out the diamond and gold rings she made them swallow during a “browsing” trip to Cartier.
Here’s the future Stepmother of the Year doing the Ice Bucket Challenge on The Tonight Show last night. I don’t know who nominated her, but I’m guessing it was the CDC, because they figured it was one way to try to get her to take a shower. Well played, CDC!
FYI to the haters out there: LiLo also donated to ALS. She sent them a coupon for 1 complimentary blow job (a $10 value), thankyouverymuch! I’m sure that’s more than your asses donated!