Lindsay Lohan is already on her way to single-handedly saving the economy in Greece by running a nightclub (that is not at all a front for an underground hooker and coke ring). LiLo is also working on building up the energy of Syrian refugees by giving them Red Bull-like energy drinks (and she’s totally not doing it so she can get them hooked on that stuff and then charge them later). And between all of that, LiLo has somehow found time to become the Mother Teresa of Turkey and also thee premiere voice of islamophobia awareness in America. Oh, 2016, here you go again…
Adding nightclub owner to her resume wasn’t enough for branding genius Lindsay Lohan. According to TMZ, she’s got plans to open a line of spas. She’ll offset all of this capitalism by “creating and distributing organic health drinks” for refugees. Wow, someone stumbled across NPR.org while searching for Putin’s address to send him an autographed picture of herself.
Lindsay Lohan’s business portfolio is a very full one. She’s tried, and failed, to sell leggings and canned spray tan and phone apps. But none of those truly spoke directly to LiLo’s personal interests like this one does. Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan announced on Instagram that she was opening a nightclub called LOHAN Nightclub. I would have thought that Lindsay would have chosen a catchier name that played off her career as an actress, but I guess there was already a nightclub called Fully Loaded. LOHAN opens tomorrow night in Athens, Greece.
TMZ has a little more information on LOHAN Nightclub. Lindsay is a part-owner with her friend, Greek restaurateur Dennis Papageorgiou. Dennis is technically the owner-owner, but Lindsay gets a sizeable percentage of the profits. A spokesperson for LOHAN tells TMZ that Dennis came up with the idea to open a nightclub back in July around the same time shit went south with Lindsay and her ex-fiancé Egor Tarabasov. Lindsay will make about 2 or 3 appearances at her club each month.
The interior of LOHAN is described as “abandoned factory“, which also kind of sounds like a creative way to describe Lindsay’s present-day IMDB page. There’s also a VIP area and a completely secluded VVIP area. Hmmm, I wonder what happens back there? That’s probably just where Lindsay hosts an ultra-exclusive bi-monthly salon to discuss poetry and politics. Or maybe the completely secluded VVIP area is so secluded because it doubles as a super-secure coat check room that only Lindsay will have access to. “Don’t worry, your coats and everything inside the pockets are totally safe with me. Wink!”
Poor Lindsay Lohan. She loves boats! I mean, being on a boat is practically her full-time job at this point. But this weekend, some shit went down that temporarily took her off a boat and put her in the hospital. There are only two things that would make Lindsay Lohan leave a boat and go to the hospital: either she passed out after hearing the boat’s captain say “Uh oh, looks like we left all the vodka and cigarettes back on shore” or she damn near lost an appendage. TMZ says it was the second one.
Lindsay Lohan? A money-hustling freckled lie-teller? Never!
Lindsay Lohan’s former rich Russian fiancé Egor Tarabasov just recently discovered that Lindsay Lohan is like a vacuum that sucks up money and spits out lies. Last week, Lindsay gave a tell-all interview to Russia’s Channel One about her relationship with Egor and accused him of going Zangief from Street Fighter on her on several occasions and claimed she was afraid he was going to throw acid in her face. Shortly after the interview aired, Egor denied everything. TMZ says that Lindsay also accused Egor of having some long-ass pockets when it came time to getting out his wallet and paying for things. According to Lindsay, there was only one person paying the bills in their relationship, and it was the Apricot Ashtray. Of course, Egor is denying that too.
The Sun says that Lindsay Lohan finally made her Russian television talk show debut last night. Sadly, it didn’t end with a 1-year Russian visa and a horseback riding date with Vladimir Putin. At least I don’t think it did. We’ll only know for sure if late in 2017, Vladimir Putin reports a bunch of fur coats missing.