Category: Lindsay Lohan

She’s Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

December 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Drivers of L.A., you better put on your protective racing helmet and hang a rosary around your rearview mirror, because the streets are unsafe again!

Last night at LAX, a tired, leather orange bag carrying a Herpes (don’t make me fix that typo) purse made her way through after getting off of a flight from London. Recently, the hos of Southern California breathed out ten clouds of relief when Lindsay Lohan said that she’s never ever going to live in the land of Double Doubles, plastic faces and Angelyne again. But because it’s been much too long since the halls of the Chateau Marmont have been filled with the sound of LiLo’s crackie wails as she bangs on the door of some actor’s room, she’s back for a visit.

Well, it was fun while it lasted, L.A.,! But today, every baby isn’t going to hit the streets unless they’re riding in one of these, every drug dealer is moving to Miami for the rest of the month and every jewelry store is hanging bras on their front doors. We all know she doesn’t go near a bra.

And here’s LiLo declaring war on Christmas in day 17 of Love Magazine’s fame whore advent calendar video:

If there’s an asshole in your family (“Hmmm, I wonder who that could be?” – my family members) who only deserve a lump of coal in their stocking this year, save the coal and give them a printed screen shot of LiLo blowing a dirty air kiss instead.

Pics:, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Says She’ll Never Ever Ever Move Back To Los Angeles

December 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like an old gypsy woman seconds before she blows a curse on someone (“There! Now you have the herpes!“), the former Queen of Messy Hollywood Lindsay Lohan is officially abdicating her throne. During an interview with The Guardian, Lindsay revealed that she loved living in London for 9 months while she performed Speed-The-Plow, and she has no plans to move back to home. But if she did have to return home for some reason (example: Dina needing 24-hour care after getting her arm caught in a vending machine that sells boxed wine), she says it sure as hell won’t be to Los Angeles. When asked if she’d ever return to her kingdom, the Apricot Ashtray hissed:

“I won’t live in LA again, hell no. My friends tell me shit when they come over I don’t want to hear. I don’t even know who got married and who got pregnant. You turn on the news in LA and it is all gossip about people. All the stuff that is going on in the world right now and this gossip is the news? I love the BBC. I haven’t heard myself mentioned on TV since I have been here. That has been really weird for me, and great.”

She also goes on to say that she’s matured while living in London and that she wants to do more theatre and bla bla bla it’s only a matter of time before she starts referring to herself as Lady Lindsay Lohan of Covent Garden.

Obviously she hasn’t heard herself mentioned on TV in London: the news only has so much time, and they need to discuss the UK’s most hottest celebrities, like Baby Prince George and Benjamin the Pygmy Goat. Besides, I doubt The Queen’s corgi’s care that some freckled Yankee skank went to the Chiltern Firehouse for the 4,638th time.

I understand why Lindsay likes living in London (if my parents were Dina and Michael Lohan, I’d move far away from their trashy asses too), but I can’t understand choosing to live so far away from Los Angeles and all those delicious In-N-Outs. Hell, I’d cut off my left arm for a double-double with extra mustard right now! Apricot Ashtray, you crazy.


Sorry, Kim K, A New Fame Whore App Is About To Rule The Game

December 12, 2014 / Posted by:

The time has finally come for another fame whore app to knock Kim Kartrashian’s Turducken ass of the list of Top 10 Grossing iPhone apps and Lindsay Lohan’s busted fame whore app is just the app to do it. Because escort gigs and selling hot goods on eBay doesn’t pay the bills the way it used to, LiLo has put out a new app game called “The Price of Fame.” What a wonderful business idea since LiLo’s other app ventures have gone so smoothly!

“The Price of Fame” looks like it cost the price of an empty 8-ball baggie. It’s low-budget, messy, doesn’t make sense and looks like its glory days were in the early 2000s. Just like LiLo herself. “The Price of Fame” is a stolen Family Dollar Febreze can version of Kummy Kakes’ stupid app game. Behold, the trailer:

If their target demographic is first graders who are addicted to coke and Adderall, they nailed it. Was the LiLo in the game modeled after LiLo in Freaky Friday, because she looks like a child in mom clothes.

TechCrunch says the graphics are supposed to look like that. Andy Ross, guitarist for OK Go, programmed the game and brought LiLo onboard, because he felt she “had the right energy” for it. In other words, he knows that she’ll put her name on anything. LiLo dribbled out this statement that totally wasn’t written by her publicist:

“I love this game and am happy to be part of it. It’s so much fun! I’m thrilled to have worked with Space Inch on this. Programmer Andy Ross, guitarist of OK Go, did a great job. He understood what I wanted and the game captures a great part of culture and our current media society. This app is humerous, smart, and engaging.”

I would download that game, but that trailer didn’t sell me. Where’s the challenge where you have to hit a trick in the head with a bottle for looking at you funny? Where’s the challenge where you have to smuggle a necklace out of a jewelry store in your snatch without security finding out? Where’s the challenge where you have to hit as many strollers as possible with your Porsche while your coked-up mom sits in the passenger seat and tries not to barf on you? Hopefully all of that will be in the first update.

And here’s the app mogul looking as fresh as a saliva bubble on a baby swan’s tongue while leaving London’s Chiltern Firehouse in a coat made of her old weaves.


Open Post: Hosted By Lindsay Lohan In One Of JoAnne Worley’s Old Dresses

December 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Whenever you’re about to take on something that seems impossible (example: Read War & Peace, watch Peter Pan Live! without getting blackout ER-worthy drunk, go grocery shopping without opening up a box of Nilla Wafer to snack on as you shop, etc..) and you don’t know if you can do it, just tell yourself that living and breathing train wreck Lindsay Lohan made it through the entire run of Speed-The-Plow in London and she didn’t quit or get fired. Anything is possible. Miracles do happen.

Even though LiLo’s run in Plowed-For-Speed is done, she’s still in London, because there’s parties to party at and gift bags to steal and sell on eBay. Last night, the PacSun designer brought her brand of messiness to a Chopard party and the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, she looks like a busted up Ann-Margret zombie circa 1974 and those shoes look like they’re covered in gaping scabs, but her weave doesn’t look like it’s been attacked by squirrels the way it usually does, so there’s that.

LiLo’s entire tacky look is very “long-retired fourth-rate showgirl who pulled out one of her old costumes to show the kids at the nursing home in Reno that she’s still got it.” What I’m saying is, this is the look.

And that goddamn kissy face pose. LiLo needs to stop trying to make the kissy face pose happen, because it’s never going to happen. If bitch keeps doing it, her face is going to get stuck like that and then she’ll really be fucked. ”I don’t know, my face is stuck like that and I do just fine.” - Jocelyn Wildenstein

Pics: Splash,


Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.

So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.

TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.

And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:

michael lohan rings

Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.

Pics: TMZ

Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One: Lindsay Lohan Is Planning A Movie Comeback

November 21, 2014 / Posted by:

And I bet the planning went something like this: (phone ringing) “Hey Oprah? It’s me. What do you mean ‘who?’, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Listen, I’ve got a great idea. I saw that HBO has this docu-series about a washed-up actress with red hair named Valerie-something trying to make a career comeback, and I was like OMG we should totally do the same thing! Hello? Hello?

Since things are going so well for Lindsay Lohan in London (ie: she’s actually showing up to performances of Speed-The-Plow and not being completely terrible), it sounds like the Apricot Ashtray is considering tip-toeing back to Hollywood and try her freckled hand at movies again. A source close to LiLo (a Franzia-drunk Dina screaming over Skype) tells Radar that when Speed-The-Plow wraps on November 29th, she’s going to be in the market for a new job, and currently she’s interested in applying for the position of “professional movie star”:

“Lindsay is doing better than she has in years! Lindsay is determined to be a movie star again. Lindsay plans to return home to her family in New York for a bit and is then heading to L.A. because she has three big movies that she is getting ready to star in.”

In case you were wondering, IMDB says those three “big movies” are a thriller called Soul Carriers, a zombie movie called Six Gun Dead, and a sci-fi movie called Life Travelers, with Lindsay being the most famous name in all of them. So technically she is doing movies again, but none of them count because they’re not Life-Size 2. I want a sequel to Life-Size, dammit!

I don’t doubt that Lindsay can make a comeback, and I honestly want her to because I’ve got a soft-spot in my heart for that lil’ sunset-colored mess, but she’ll never be as great as she once was, and no, I’m not talking about the Mean Girls years. I’m talking about her smoky-voiced bottle-smashing busted wig-wearing performance in Liz & Dick! Nothing will ever compare to the next-level thespian genius that is Lindsay shouting “I’M BORED. I’M SO BORED.

“You Owe Me Big Time, Person Who I Assume Is Supposed To Be Lindsay Lohan”

November 5, 2014 / Posted by:

In honor of the 10th anniversary of Mean Girls, aka the movie to which I dedicate my life’s laughter and tears (whatever the fuck that means), Tina Fey was kind enough to postpone working on her night cheese to reunite with former actress and current freckled mess Lindsay Lohan for Entertainment Weekly’s reunions issue. At least I *think* that’s supposed to be Lindsay Lohan; it actually looks more like a heavily Photoshopped/heavily sedated come-to-life Lindsay Lohan My Scene doll. Only Tina knows for sure. Tina, did it try to distract you while it rifled through your purse for pills or ask to borrow $60 million? Then it wasn’t the doll.

They also told some stories about what it was like filming Mean Girls, like this one about Lindsay Lohan sounding like the definition of 2004:

Tina: “I remember 17-year-old Lindsay was on a mission to find pink Uggs. That was, like, what she was working on. And there was one day where she tried to explain to Amy and me her beef with Hilary Duff, but we couldn’t crack it. But we were pretending we could follow it.”

Lindsay: “I had been online trying to get pink Uggs because I had a pink pleated skirt in the scene where I fall into the garbage can. I was like, ‘I need pink Uggs!’ I mean, I was rhinestoning my phone at the time with Swarovski crystals. [Laughs] So it was somewhat Method.”

That clever grifter-in-training! “I need pink Uggs! Uh…I mean…my character needs pink Uggs. Maybe a couple pairs actually. Tags on, just in case I…I mean, “my character” (wink)…decides to sell them for cash.

Tina and the Apricot Ashtray were also joined by their Mean Girls co-stars Rachel McAdams, Lacey Chabert, and Amanda Seyfried. Wait, that’s it? No Janis Ian? No Damian? No chihuahua who tries to take a chunk out of Mrs. George’s tit? NO KEVIN GNAPOOR?!?! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you can’t have a Mean Girls reunion without math enthusiast/bad-ass MC Kevin Gnapoor!


Lindsay Lohan And Her Brother Are Being Sued By A Former Business Partner For $60 Million

October 31, 2014 / Posted by:

LOL! $60 million? I barely have $60! Speaking of which, can I borrow $60? I need it for…a thing.

Nearly two months ago, Lindsay Lohan and her younger brother Michael Jr. were slapped with a cease-and-desist letter by their former business partner Fima Potik after he discovered that shortly after he parted ways last year, those shady idea-stealing siblings had taken his concept for a virtual shopping app called Spotted Friend and launched their own called Vigme. But since the only thing the Lohans know how to cease-and-desist is sobriety, Michael Jr. kept Vigme up and running.

Now Page Six is saying that Fima Potik wasn’t playing, and he’s hit the Apricot Ashtray and her baby brother with a $60 million lawsuit. Potik filed papers in Manhattan on Thursday, and claims that LiLo and MiJu stole his trade secrets and some big-name advisors (like Ariana Huffington) to start a competing business. He also claims they had access to the Spotted Friend software and a beta version of the app. And now he wants $60 million dollars from LiLo. “Get in line!” shouted every one of LiLo’s dealers.

Well, good luck with that lawsuit, Fima! While you’re at it, why not sue Santa Claus for $80 billion and The Snorks for eleventy trillion dollars, because that makes about as much sense as suing a freckled deadbeat like Lindsay Lohan for $60 million. Where does he think that $60 million is going to come from? Oprah? As if! Oprah will be all “Blohan…Blohan…nope, never head of her“, before quietly slipping him a pity-stack containing $10,000 and a Chili’s gift card, and whispering “Here, take this. I understand what you’re going through – I’ve made the mistake of working with her too.”

Lindsay Lohan Makes It So Easy

October 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan dropped her 2 cents two 8 balls into the presidential race in Brazil and if you’re wondering why an American mess who is now living in England suddenly cares about Brazilian politics, the answer is: cooooooooooke!

Out of nowhere, presidential candidate Aécio Neves got a bump of support from the First Lady of Train Wrecks when she tweeted (and later deleted) her official endorsement for him. Even though LiLo chopped up that tweet and snorted it up, it still turned into a full-on meme in Brazil. Aécio Neves loves to party and Buzzfeed says it’s rumored that coke has made its way up into his nostrils a few (or more than a few) times. He was also involved a coke ESCANDALO (Side note: Google Translate tell me escandalo is escandalo in Portuguese) when the federal police found 4.5 pounds of cocaine on a helicopter that was owned by his company and belonged to one of his political allies. So LiLo publicly supporting him is what meme dreams are made of.

A “source” close to LiLo tells TMZ that she’s showing support for Neves, because she takes several “business trips” to Brazil and one of her “good contacts” in the country thinks he should win over his opponent Dilma Rousseff.

Okay, but who is Glen Coco endorsing since I’m sure that’s the only endorsement the people of Brazil care about.

LiLo suddenly showing an interest in Brazilian politics when an ALLEGED fellow member of the White (As In Coke) Party runs for president is too perfect. Either she’s all out of clues or she’s secretly working for Dilma Rousseff and knows that an endorsement from her will kill Neves’ campaign. If that’s the case, well played, Team Rousseff.

Lindsay Lohan’s Old Boss Paid A Visit To London To See Her Perform On Stage

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.

Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).

But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.


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