I was going to put money on Lindsay Lohan being found in a seedy motel at the age of 95 when her time came, surrounded by cigarette butts and with so much coke on her face it looks like Johnny Knoxville high-fived it, but if Paris Hilton gets her way, Lindsay will be found with a stiletto in her back the size of a Greenpeace boat much sooner. Last night, Paris’s brother Barron posted a pic of his busted face following the beat down allegedly orchestrated by Lindsay and possibly carried out by a dude named Ray Lemoine. Paris posted a comment vowing payback.
Oooh, nobody fucks with a Hilton! (“We wish”- The Center For Disease Control, Herpes Division.) Normally, I wouldn’t side with Paris on anything, but if she can get some form of punishment to stick to Lindsay’s Teflon-coated no-ass, I’d at least acknowledge that she was able to succeed where the California justice system has failed 937 times.
While Paris lounges in Miami with Brandon Davis, flipping through her 2005 “Bitches Who Had My Back” scrapbook for allies, Lindsay posted a picture of herself on Instagram using the hashtags “#honestfunandfriends” and “(good people) and no more bad folk” but deleted it within half an hour. Bitch should go on the road and do stand up talking about that shit because she wouldn’t know honesty if it showed her the money beforehand!
File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.
TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.
Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.
Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.
No, of course that’s not White Oprah. If it was White Oprah, she’d be bent over and one dude would be snorting a line of k (she’s vintage like that) off of one ass cheek while another dude did a Thunderbird vodka shot off of the other ass cheek. It’s really Nana Lohan. No, it’s not Nana Lohan. Nana Lohan only wears thongs. She has the body for it. It’s Lindsay Lohan!
The original Oprah’s adopted child went down to Miami, because it’s Art Basel time and the coke is falling from the skies so her nostrils grew wings and flew her there. But really, even though LiLo’s naan bread ass looks like it’s frowning at me, at least she hasn’t broken a bottle over anybody’s head or run over a toddler with her rental car yet. So there’s that. And hopefully bitch leaves Miami soon, because all the barely legal Florida white dudes whose parents handcuffed them to the water heater in the garage to keep them away from her ass are starting to lose circulation in their wrists.
Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
Most of us are either too broke to sue someone (raises hand) or just happy to wrap up any disagreement with a succinct “Go fuck yourself, pal” (raises other hand), and if we’re really pissed about something, we take to Twitter (@TacoBell, you’re next). But Lindsay Lohan isn’t like us. She has to handle her business in the most dramatic way possible; by dragging asses to the 7-11 parking lot of the rich (aka Court).
According to TMZ, Lindsay is excitedly applying her best court makeup (That blush? I object, your honor) because she wants to sue the makers of Grand Theft Auto V for possibly using her identity without permission:
Sources tell us, Lohan’s lawyers are currently crafting a lawsuit — demanding Rockstar Games pay some serious money for using Lindsay’s image in the game.
So the question … did ‘GTAV’ really use Lindsay. Here’s the evidence:
- The video game cover shows a woman holding a cellphone who looks Lindsay-ish. There’s been debate over whether it looks more like Kate Upton or Shelby Welinder.
- Part of the game features a mission where a Lindsay Lohan look-alike asks the player to take her home and escape the paparazzi.
- Another part of the game shows another Lindsay-like character at a hotel resembling the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood — a place Lindsay not only frequents but once lived at — and the mission is to photograph her having sex on camera.
The only character in Grand Theft Auto that resembles Lindsay Lohan’s face is a car…after a criminal has smashed in the window with a baseball bat. NO! The truth is there’s no way Rockstar Games could create a Lindsay Lohan character if they tried; video game developers simply don’t have the technology to capture the unique beauty and essence of a Lohan. There isn’t a program that makes a person’s eyes drowsy and glassy (and one half-closed most of the time), and there’s no code to prevent her character from going on a grand theft rampage ad stealing everything in the game that wasn’t nailed down.
Wait, did I just think of a great idea for a new video game? Grand Theft Lohans. Basically you could play as either Ali (easy), Lindsay (hard) Dina (expert level) and you’d have missions like trying to score coke in Provo, UT or navigating a DUI checkpoint. When you successfully complete missions, you unlock bonus characters like Nana Lohan, or a disappointed Tina Fey. Rockstar, I’m available anytime to talk.
I thought we’d learned all we could about 2006-era Lindsay Lohan (booze, booze, pills, coke, booze, dating the Pink Taco douchehole, booze) but as it turns out, there’s still more! Just when you thought the surface zit that is LiLo has been drained, you dig a little deeper and a whole new mess explodes onto your bathroom mirror.
Life&Style reports that LiLo has more than just a fear of being sober for longer than 6 minutes; a source claims she also has achondroplasiaphobia (a fear of little people):
“In 2006 at the Chateau Marmont, she was with pals when two little people walked by and she started having a major anxiety attack!” the insider tells the mag of her bizarre fear. “She hyperventilated. Someone had to give her an antianxiety pill to calm her down. She kept saying, ‘I’m so scared of them!’”
In response to this grossness, the nonprofit advocacy group, Little People of America, issued this ‘No duh’ statement to Lindsay Lohan:
“Lohan should treat her fear the same as she would a fear of any other protected minority population. If that fails, she might find diversity training to be useful.”
But don’t go mailing Blu-rays of The Wizard of Oz or Willow to LiLo’s house just yet; a rep for Lindsay denied Life&Style’s story by telling E! News:
“Lindsay loves all people.”
Uh oh, was the second part of that statement was cut off? I think it’s supposed to read:
“Lindsay loves all people, especially those with drugs, but especially-especially those who might have a bit of extra cash on them.”
Dear Little People of America: this story is about 2006 Chateau Marmont Lindsay. If you need a reference, it’s probably about 6 months, give or take, from this. I doubt she was afraid of a little person, and I’ll explain why: when you’re chasing 30 Adderall with a 2L of Skyy every night, you’re bound to hallucinate some fucked-up shit. You can’t take it personally: LiLo was rolling hard through a heavy pill-fog and probably confused a little person for a chainsaw-weilding talking chicken nugget. Plus, freaking out over something is the easiest way to score more pills. “Oh my god, that stray dog just mouthed the words ‘You’re dead, bitch‘ at me! I’m freaking out! Someone should give me some pills to calm down, right?”
(Pic via Wenn)
“Hi Ms. Lohan, I’m Darren! I’m the intern assigned to make sure you don’t snort all the prop drugs on set! And it looks like I’m too late. Well, nice meeting you!”
The 4th and final season of HBOs Eastbound & Down came to a close last night with another Kenny Powers death (Oh shit, SPOILERS! Sorry!) told in a narrated flash-forward that let’s us see Kenny and April’s children, Toby and Shayna, all grown up and played by Alexander Skarsgård (in a Cousin Larry wig) and Lindsay Lohan. It turns out everything is a dream and Kenny is just writing his memoirs or something, which explains him casting the role of his daughter with Lindsay Lohan, aka the only person alive who could drink and do more drugs than Kenny Powers (“I’ll try my best” – Lindsay Lohan).
I don’t mean to be a Skeptical Sally (I’m really more of a Crackpot Conspiracy Carol) but I’m not sure the woman in this clip is actually Lindsay Lohan. “Lindsay Lohan” is practically shorthand now for ‘Don’t ask me to go by your clock, because I work on my own time, and in my world it’s always Quarter to Nap‘ so there’s no realistic way they’d be able to get her on set, film not one, but several scenes, have her appear semi-sober, all within a 9-week time span. With that being said, I believe there are two explanations for what we’re seeing here:
Theory #1: Some kind of Lord of the Rings performance-capture green-screen shit. “Lindsay Lohan” could actually be no more than expensive computer animation and Andy Serkis in a bus-stop weave.
Theory #2: A Weekend at Bernie’s situation. A Ziploc freezer bag filled with Ambien is sent over to Lohan’s apartment; then, an out-cold Lindsay is brought to set and production interns are assigned to puppeteering her limbs.
Either theory can also be supported with her lack of dialogue. Not speaking a word means either she couldn’t memorize any lines (possible) or they couldn’t get anyone to drink enough lighter fluid to imitate her voice with any kind of precision.
And yes, Theory #2 was tested and supported through repeated observations on the set of The Canyons.
Since everything Lindsay Lohan involves herself with ends up turning to shit in a poo version of the Midas touch, it was only a matter of time before she gave up trying to have a career altogether. It seems she has turned to the career choice of every woman pushing 30 with no prospects and more issues than you can shake a bottle of Stoli at- the Instagram pin-up girl (via HuffPo).
Her newest pic brings up so many questions. Did Dina take the picture because the two of them are gross like that? How many times did she have to arrange the sheet to hide the cigarette burns on it? How did someone her age end up with tits that look like outdoor holiday inflatables that have collapsed on themselves? What the hell is on the table in the background because I’m way more interested in that than I am in the main subject of the photo?
You know it took LiLo forever to get ready for this incredibly artistic, poignant shot. She spent hours selecting the perfect Wet N Wild makeup out of her Caboodle and her greasy hair needed to be properly tossed. It’s the crown jewel in a collection that probably included shots of her kneeling on the bed holding shower loofahs over her boobs. Bitches gotta improvise when nobody comes calling to take your picture anymore! Lindsay has already updated her résumé to say she’s a self-employed photographer who loves to work, when anybody with a brain in their head knows a dirty mirror, an iPhone and a BatDad approved declaration of “SELFIE!!” (you know she sounds exactly like that) does not a professional make.
(Photo via Instagram)
1. Fire sobriety coach – Check
2. Move partying from apartment back to clubs – Check
3. Show up late to work – Check
If Lindsay Lohan is as predictable as I think she is, then we better shut down the entire length of the Pacific Coast Highway and put a lawyer on retainer, because pre-rehab Lindsay is back, bitches! I know she’s currently in New York, but it’s only a matter of time before Los Angeles jewellery stores notice all their necklaces are missing, and a thick cloud of damp self-tanner and vodka hangs like a curse over Sunset Blvd.
TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan’s appearance at the Foxwoods casino in Connecticut last night wasn’t as tidy as you’d imagine an appearance by Lindsay Lohan at a boozy casino party would be. Lindsay was paid $50,000 to appear at 10pm to pose for pictures and talk to fans on the red carpet (a red carpet for a Halloween party at a Connecticut casino? Sure, why not). Instead, Lindsay pulled a classic Lindsay Lohan move by appearing nearly 2 hours late at 11:43pm and blowing passed the red carpet. You guys, my mouth is AGAPE due to how STUNNED I am. None of this makes any sense! Lindsay said recently that she’s eager to get back to work, so why would she show up nearly 2 hours late to a job she worked so hard to get? Wait a second; it looks like my computer was accidentally set to ‘hopefully naive‘. Let me switch it back to ‘painfully cynical’.
Foxwoods is now trying to renegotiate her contract so that they don’t have to pay her the entire $50,000. Did nobody at Foxwoods think to do a background check? Jesus, you can’t apply for a job wiping tables at McDonalds without them searching deep into the caverns of your work history (“It says here you once sneezed on a towel at Bed Bath & Beyond. Thank you for your time, you can see yourself out“). Before agreeing to sign over THAT MUCH MONEY to Lindsay Lohan, someone should have said: “Hey, lemme just throw her name into Google to see if she has a history of being a complete deadbeat, and I just broke Google. Sorry.”
The only reason Foxwoods isn’t reneging on the whole amount is because when she did finally show up, Lindsay did a decent job of hosting a costume contest with Floyd Mayweather. Jesus, how difficult would that be? The winner is…that guy dressed up as Miley Cyrus and that girl dressed up as a slutty fire hydrant. There, I just hosted a costume contest from my laptop, no big deal. Hosting a costume contest at a casino is the least shameful activity on Lindsay’s ‘Shit I’d Do For $50,000′ list, so unless she wants to put her best wig on and go back to the more soul-crushing jobs, she better start showing up to casino parties on time.
Somebody nominate the janitor at 1Oak in NYC for a Congressional Medal of Honor, because anyone who has to clean up after these two is really putting their life on the line to protect the rest of us. Page Six reports that shortly after Miley Cyrus’s tongue made a guest appearance on SNL this weekend, she trotted down to 1Oak with some friends to celebrate a job well done and to get her hillbilly crotch grind on. Sensing another loopy mess was within her periphery, it was reported that none other than the Poster Girl of Predatory Friendships, Lindsay Lohan, slithered over to Miley’s table next to the DJ booth to make friends with Miley.
I know. However did that club not burst into flames from all the class and sophistication inside? Sarcasm.
Instead of politely asking Lindsay to take her patented brand of lowlife couture elsewhere and shoo-ing her greasy ass away from the table, Miley proved she really is down with grimy society and struck up a conversation with Lohan’s puffy-as-hayul face. Maybe Miley was trying to be ironic? Or crazy? Miley is that insane girl you know who will take on almost any dare (I didn’t say every dare; she’s not Ke$ha) so maybe she thought that hanging with a post-Liz and Dick, pre-Next Trip to Rehab Lindsay Lohan would give her more badass points? “Look at me, world! I’m doing MDMA with the High Priestess of Former Disney Stars turned Addict Messes!” – Miley (said while Lindsay mutters an incoherent drink order to the bartender).
After pushing their two tables together (more room for draaanks) Miley and Lindsay partied together, along with Lindsay’s supposed fuck piece Morgan O’Connor (white dude with dreads? Lindsay Lohan: Forever making good choices) and Miley’s litany of hangers-on and twerking coaches. I know you’re hoping for a happy ending where Lindsay asks Miley for her number and suggests they hang out again sometime, and Miley yells “SIKE! See you never, you C-list drunk!” but that doesn’t happen. Miley and Lindsay stayed till 5am and left the club together, at which point I don’t want to imagine the kind of gross, disgusting shit those two got up to, because I’m fresh out of brain bleach. But I will say this: whatever happened afterwards is something I’d love to hear explained by the deluded mind of Dina Lohan: ”Lindsay is so committed to her sobriety and clean living, she decided to invite Miley to her 6am sunrise hot yoga class. You sweat a lot in that class, so it’s a good thing she was staying hydrated with lots of water all night long.“