So, despite the fact that Lily Allen has been skipping around divorce rumors for what feels like forever and that she recently joined Tinder, she’s still technically a married lady. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping former One Direction fetus Zayn Malik from trying to court her. According to The Sun, 22-year-old Zayn has been wooing 30-year-old Lily with a collection of NSFW pics.
Lily’s friends say that Zayn has had it bad for Lily since they met on a flight about two years ago, which isn’t sex-code for anything – they legitimately met on a flight. Of course, he couldn’t really pursue Lily because he was with Perrie Edwards. But once Zayn and Perrie’s love joined the rest of the soggy broken hearts on the stinky south-facing pile of expired relationships that was the Summer of Splits, he was free to pursue her. Or should I say “peensue.” Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out for that one. A source close to Lily gave The Sun this extremely British-sounding piece of gossip.
“Zayn fancies Lily and has made that very clear. He has even sent her X-rated pics and raunchy texts which Lily has told quite a few people in her close circle about. She’s flattered.”
I like to think the source then added: “Zayn thinks Lily is a really fit bird. He’s chuffed to bits about her. I know he’d fancy a snog and a shag, and he’s hoping a few mobile snaps of his trouser prawn will seal the deal.” Then he peeled away in his Shaguar while hollering “Yeah, baby!”
I’ve got to hand it to Zayn. He may be young, but he truly knows what a woman wants. I mean, nothing says “Will u be mine?” like a blurry weird angle pic of your junk. That’s so sweet. I’m sure Nicholas Sparks just lit his laptop on fire because he knows he can’t compete with Zayn’s next-level romance.
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.
As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.
Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.
If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.
There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.
Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).
You know what really shouldn’t be a thing? Those short Moe Howard bangs.
Lily Allen was awarded the Feminist of the Century award on International Women’s Day after she supposedly told Shortlist that she doesn’t understand why feminism still exists since women and men are equal now! If your brain needs a brush up on the foolery that came out of Lily’s mouth, here’s a couple of quotes:
“Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing anymore. We’re all equal, everyone is equal. Why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.
I don’t think men are the enemy. I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, ‘Oh, she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.’ So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy.”
When a writer for Holy Moly called her out in a post, Lily found the writer on Twitter and screamed that she was misquoted and her words were Sarah Palinized before they were published in the issue of Shortlist that she guest edited (Good job at editing, Lily!). Lily was misquoted, but she’s used to it since she’s always misquoted! How very Kanye of her. In a series of tweets, Lily spit this out:
I deal with sexism and misogyny every day, I’m patronised on an hourly basis, so excuse me if your article has fucked me off. They weren’t my words, you interpreted them wrongly and SHORTLIST misquoted me. I do 20 interviews a day. I’m misquoted in nearly all of them.
If Lily’s words are turned around in almost every interview she does, she should try something knew. She should turn on the opposite switch in her brain and say the opposite of what she means. If she’s a feminist, she should tell the interviewer that she’s a proud misogynist and hates all women, so they’ll quote her as saying, “I am a feminist!” But Lily’s mouth always squirts out a geyser of fuckery, so I don’t think she was totally misquoted. She probably doesn’t remember the words that came out of her ass during that interview, because her brain was operating on the wrong kind of bad shit. And yes, I’m sure she was also on the wrong stuff when she chose to wear her bangs like that. Looking like Pebbles Flinstone got crazy with a pair of safety scissors.
You know Lily Allen is officially back when the nonsensical fuckery that comes out of her mouth is making people rage. Welcome back, Lily!
“Hard Out Here,” the first single from Lily Allen’s new album is a parody of pop songs and I thought it had a prom-feminism message. But I guess I thought wrong, because in a messy, messy interview with the Shortlist, Lily says it’s not that deep and she wasn’t trying to burp out a feminist anthem for the ages.
“It just seemed like a good one to start with. I wasn’t trying to write a think-piece, it just evolved. It wasn’t a big attempt to tackle anything.”
Lily sings about the music industry judging women in “Hard Out Here” and she says nothing has really changed, but that men aren’t the enemy. If Lily performed on SNL, she’d shout, “Fight the real enemy,” before ripping up a picture of an XX chromosome. Everything Lily Allen knows about feminism she learned by watching Real Houswives, because she says that women are shitty to women and she does have a point, but then she lost me when her brain made a sharp right turn on Cocaine Way.
“It’s much the same. But I don’t think men are the enemy, I think women are the enemy. I know that when I’m sitting in a restaurant and a really beautiful woman walks in, who’s skinny, I instinctively think, “Oh she’s really skinny and beautiful and I’m really fat and ugly.” Every man I speak to always says they find that kind of woman gross, and they prefer a bit more meat on their ladies. So it’s more of a competitive thing. It’s weird. It’s just really unhealthy and we’re our own worst enemy. We should stop being so horrible to each other.”
So according to Lily, a chick will look at a skinny chick and think she’s beautiful, but a dude will look at that same skinny chick and get the wet heaves and not in a good way? But women are the enemy? I think I sort of get the “we’re our own worst enemy” point that Lily is trying to make, but then she goes on to say that men want to fuck her, but don’t want to fuck skinny chicks, which I guess proves her point about women being shitty to other women. I don’t know. Let’s move on….
One of Lily’s songs on her new album Sheezus (yes, that’s the title) is about women in music, but again, she says she wasn’t trying to get deep. Then she goes on to say that EVERYBODY IS EQUAL!!!!
“It just dribbled out! It’s not supposed to be provocative and it’s not attacking anyone, although it does namecheck a few people. It’s about how girls are pitted against each other, unlike men. I know you had it in the Nineties with Blur versus Oasis, but it’s not the same thing. It’s like ‘Who looks the best?’, ‘You’re getting too old to do this, you shouldn’t be doing that’. There seems to be a moral undertone when women are concerned that doesn’t happen with men, and that’s what that song is about. Stop this now [laughs]. Feminism. I hate that word because it shouldn’t even be a thing any more. We’re all equal, everyone is equal so why is there even a conversation about feminism? What’s the man version of feminism? There isn’t even a word for it. There’s no reason for it. Menanism. Male-ism. It doesn’t exist.”
Lily says that feminism shouldn’t be a thing anymore, but then when she started to get hate about her words on Twitter, she declared herself a feminist. Lily’s brain: How does it work?
— Lily Allen (@lilyallen) March 7, 2014
I just… You know, I’m just going to stop here and wish all you wimmuns a Happy International Women’s Day! Oh wait, we’re all equal now. Happy We’re All Equal Day!
At the BRIT Awards at the O2 in London tonight, Boy George showed up with a busted face and I was going to say that he looks like he peeped at Chris Brown’s phone, but then I remembered that The Difficult Brown doesn’t punch guys. I figured that before the BRITs, Boy George’s daytime date with his Eastern European piece went a little too far and one thing led to another, which led to him getting repeatedly slapped in the face with a 12″ burrito-thick dildo and he decided to make a look out of it. It happens. Or maybe Boy George decided to get all political by making a statement about gays getting beat in Russia. But no, Boy George apparently told British Vogue that he took red lipstick to his eye to look like the “fashion victim” he is. The literary emporium of class and decorum The Daily Mail called Boy George’s busted-up make-up job “tasteless,” and that’s like the time I met my friend at a bar after a hook-up and he called me a nasty, low-class slut before finishing his Grindr chat with a dude whose username was FeedMe69.
And here’s a few more tricks and hos from the BRITs tonight. I wish I could offer you up A-list British royalty like Harvey Price, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty and Pete Burns, but unfortunately I can’t. I can only give you Jessie J looking like a bootleg She-Ra character and Lily Allen looking like Goth Rainbow Brite.