Advance apologies to our British readers, but I don’t know who any of your “celebrities” are unless they are Dames, Sirs, Katie Price or Idris Elba. I may have no idea who Rita Ora is, but ya’ll sure do know how to put the “F” in Fashion (if the F stands for “fuck is this?”). The Brit Awards, Britain’s equivalent to The Grammys, were last night and apparently, the theme for the red carpet was “Party at Party City“. There were enough pinatas, clown suits, vinyl tablecloths, crepe paper ruffles, and discounted Halloween costumes on display to stock every single party store in Britain for the next millennium. Above is noted (somewhere) fabric sculptor and designer Daniel Lismore, who’s ready to serve as the punch bowl at your next Luau/Red Wedding themed get-together.
Then again – according to Zoë Kravitz – you probably won’t find it on many people’s nightstands.
On Tuesday night’s Watch What Happens Live, Zoë Kravitz and Eddie Redmayne were there to promote Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindewald. During the call-in portion of the show, Zoë was asked about her appearance in Lily Allen’s memoir My Thoughts Exactly. Much like the title of that book, Zoë let everyone know exactly what she thinks about Lily, which is basically: Zoë is not a fan.
Lily Allen’s new memoir, My Thoughts Exactly, goes on sale next week and it’s got the celebrity substance abuse sadness stories that are really the only reason to write a memoir. No one cares what elementary school you went to, but they do want to read about the time you were giving Orlando Bloom a lap dance at Kate Hudson’s 2014 Halloween party in L.A. and knocked yourself out cold after accidentally head-butting him. Yep, Lily did that. The Sun got a hold of an advance copy of Lily’s book and wrote about the time that she was in such bad shape that the consciously uncoupled Paltrow-Martins had to take her under their assuredly rare and overpriced wing.
Yesterday Lily Allen revealed on Instagram that she hired herself some female escorts during her last tour, according to Metro UK. And? Isn’t that part of everyone’s tour rider? It’s 2018. One imagines that even Celine Dion has several talonneurs scattered about backstage when she tours. It’s “no brown M&Ms,” a 14-inch long Danny’s Favorite sub from Wegmans, and hookers, right?
So, despite the fact that Lily Allen has been skipping around divorce rumors for what feels like forever and that she recently joined Tinder, she’s still technically a married lady. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping former One Direction fetus Zayn Malik from trying to court her. According to The Sun, 22-year-old Zayn has been wooing 30-year-old Lily with a collection of NSFW pics.
Lily’s friends say that Zayn has had it bad for Lily since they met on a flight about two years ago, which isn’t sex-code for anything – they legitimately met on a flight. Of course, he couldn’t really pursue Lily because he was with Perrie Edwards. But once Zayn and Perrie’s love joined the rest of the soggy broken hearts on the stinky south-facing pile of expired relationships that was the Summer of Splits, he was free to pursue her. Or should I say “peensue.” Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out for that one. A source close to Lily gave The Sun this extremely British-sounding piece of gossip.
“Zayn fancies Lily and has made that very clear. He has even sent her X-rated pics and raunchy texts which Lily has told quite a few people in her close circle about. She’s flattered.”
I like to think the source then added: “Zayn thinks Lily is a really fit bird. He’s chuffed to bits about her. I know he’d fancy a snog and a shag, and he’s hoping a few mobile snaps of his trouser prawn will seal the deal.” Then he peeled away in his Shaguar while hollering “Yeah, baby!”
I’ve got to hand it to Zayn. He may be young, but he truly knows what a woman wants. I mean, nothing says “Will u be mine?” like a blurry weird angle pic of your junk. That’s so sweet. I’m sure Nicholas Sparks just lit his laptop on fire because he knows he can’t compete with Zayn’s next-level romance.
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.