Dolly Parton Confirms That She, Jane Fonda And Lily Tomlin Will All Clock-In For The “9 to 5” Reboot
Had it up to here sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigots? You are not alone! The teased 9 to 5 reboot just got sanctified by my personal lord and savior, Dolly Parton. According to Vulture, Dolly, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have all agreed to reprise their roles in the upcoming film. Upon hearing this news, I screamed to my secretary to get his cute little ass in here with some napkins to wipe the shit eating grin on my face.
A little over three months ago, rose bouquets were thrown at Jane Fonda’s feets when she threw a, “You’re really going to do this now, trick?” face at Megyn Kelly after being asked about plastic surgery during an interview about her new movie. I wasn’t even expecting a round two, but we all got one this morning. Jane was on the second hour of Today with Lily Tomlin when she clocked Megyn, and Megyn wasn’t even in the ring!
Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie (who were dressed like the rich lady version of the Crips) interviewed Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin (who were dressed like the rich lady version of the Bloods) about the third season of Grace and Frankie. Hoda brought up their friendship and wondered how far they go back. Lily made a joke about how they knew each other BJFF (before Jane’s first facelift), and Jane took that joke and used it to slap at Megyn Kelly. And Jane did it in Megyn Kelly’s own house!
Hoda: How long have you two known each other?
Lily: Oh my God… Before your first facelift.
Jane: Who are you, Megyn Kelly?
Lily: Oh, that’s right, I forgot she was the one!
And as Hoda and Savannah tried to keep from laughing by looking nervous, Megyn was in her dressing room, either farting up a ray of happiness over Jane Fonda remembering her name, or was screaming at her makeup person to put some Alocane on that burn Jane gave her. (Side note: Jane Fonda just had a cancerous growth removed from her mouth area.)
Jane Fonda had quite the response to Lily Tomlin's facelift comment pic.twitter.com/2qUUxReqiy
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) January 16, 2018
Today will cover the Winter Olympics next month, and when they do, I hope they bring Jane Fonda on again, because her dragging Megyn Kelly has become my new favorite sport.
Because why decide on just one when you can help yourself to both? Kate Hudson wanted it all: underboob, underwear, sequined black censor bars, a giant flower putting another flower in a choke-hold, fancy little capes for her shoulders. Kate pulled up to fashion’s drive-thru speaker and ordered everything on the menu.
Razzie nominee Kate Hudson was at the SAG Awards last night as a presenter, which might be why she went red carpet casual by wearing a Dior dress with boxers underneath. If she tries to conceal her underwear by pulling her dress up higher, she’s gonna flash a whole lot of nipple. If she tries to cover up her underboob by pulling her top down a little, she’s going to show tons of underwear. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goldie’s thirsty daughter would ever be concerned with covering up an underboob situation.
Hints of glittery titty was a bit of a theme last night.
The Critics’ Choice Awards, which is the Mountain Lighting to the Golden Globes’ Mountain Dew, happened last night and Amy Schumer was the Jennifer Lawrence of the show, because she brought the ~quirkiness~ in heavy doses. No, Amy didn’t fall down the stairs or fart in Bryan Cranston’s champagne glass or anything, but she did tell us once again that she’s the fattest fatty fat hog in Hollywood and would hands down win the role of Gilbert Grape’s mom if they did a remake. And she also gave us the mental image of her making out with Lily Tomlin’s clit.
The Critics’ Choice Awards gave Amy the MVP Award (whatever that is), because I guess they wanted to make sure that she showed up, unlike many other tricks (see: Jennifer Lawrence, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Brie Larson, etc..). Amy also won Best Actress in a Comedy, beating her best friend forever JLaw and national treasure Lily Tomlin. While holding that glass unicorn butt plug trophy, Amy said that Lily Tomlin should’ve won and then she announced that she’d love to tongue fuck Lily’s lily:
Amy saying that she’d munch on Lily Tomlin’s cooch like a never-ending Awesome Blossom didn’t bother me, because who wouldn’t? But Amy skid straight into NOT RIGHT territory when bitch pulled Miss Critics’ Choice Awards to the mic and then shooed her away after finding out that she’s from Florida. Amy joked that Florida should not be a part of this country. It wasn’t not funny. Florida is this country’s leading producer of meth-infused foolery and that makes it the greatest state. It should be the capital of ‘Murica! To hate Florida is to hate fuckery. Amy Schumer can go to Hell (“Um, I’d rather go there than Florida!” – Florida hater Amy Schumer) for that one. And Hell is a place where you don’t have a mouth and you’re stuck in a giant box that’s covered with Lily Tomlin’s vagina.
And so it begins! After taking a giant steaming dump on nearly everything we loved about the 80s, Hollywood has decided that it was time to stop scraping the bottom of the barrel (I’m looking in your direction, person who shamelessly signed off on Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked) and start remaking everything you loved from the 90s. I don’t know what feeling hurts worse: knowing that Hollywood is about to start shitting on my favorite shows from the 90s, or that I’ll never get a embarrassing SilverHawks reboot.
According to The New York Times, Netflix will reboot several popular television shows from the 90s, beginning with The Magic School Bus, the PBS cartoon about a teacher named Ms. Frizzle (voiced by Lily Tomlin) and her army of chirruns who learn about science by piling into a dark-sided school bus that can shrink down to the size of a turd and swim around inside a person’s colon (“What is the name of this school and how do you volunteer to be a substitute science teacher” – John Travolta). Sometime in 2016, Netflix will release The Magic School Bus 360°, which will now be computer animated, so prepare for some cheap-looking sphincters.
Already the show looks like a damn mess, starting with the early concept art for Ms. Frizzle and the bus. Ms. Frizzle used to look like if Bette Midler were an eccentric gayelle who was obsessed with planets; now she new looks like Amy Adams in American Hustle. I bet they change her name to Miss Frizzle (“There’s no Mr. Frizzle, if you know what I mean. Wink.”) And the only thing I can say about that busted bus is that it looks like it has an ass full of painful swollen hemorrhoids.
No word on whether Lily Tomlin will be back to voice Ms. Frizzle. But if her recent comments calling out “modern-day feminist” Beyoncé as a sex-hustling hoochie mama for the kindergarten crowd are any indication, I don’t know how excited she’ll be regarding this new, slutty-looking Ms. Frizzle.