As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Looking at this picture of Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris sharing an awkward “LOOK AT US!!! LOOK HOW IN LOVE WE ARE!!!” moment at the Billboard Music Awards last night made me instantly feel so sorry for all the adults who chaperoned my middle school dances. It’s enough to make me want to track them all down and hand-write apology letters.
So we already know that Taylor Swift needed a lot of attention at the Billboard Music Awards last night, so none of us should be surprised that she busted out some serious stunt queen moves by going in for a choreographed-looking kiss with the current boy she’s chasing before accepting the award for Top Album for 1989 (one of eight awards she ended up taking home last night). If you’ve ever wanted to see what it looks like when Taylor Swift mentally works through the instructions her PR coach gave her (“One and two and hand on neck and sugar and spice and everything nice“), here it is.
Good lord, they’re both so stiff; it’s like watching an invisible 6-year-old make Kevin plant one on Skipper. Also, chill out, you two – it’s just a Billboard award! No need for all the dramatics. But as hard as they tried, their awkward award show smooch couldn’t hold a candle to the original and best:
That’s it, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley at the 1994 MTV VMAs – show those two stunt queens how it’s done!
Here’s more of Tay Tay serving up some living Goetze’s Cow Tales realness before the show with four low-ranking soldiers of her famous friends army, and Calvin Harris, who sort of looks like the dude version of Taylor Swift, right?
For the first time in three whole years, Kate Upton’s gigantic Rocky Mountain titties didn’t make the cover of Sports Illustrated: Fap Edition, but she’s there in spirit. Because if you put all those butts together, you’d have half of one of Kate’s tits. And if look you in the water and squint, you can sort of make out the silhouette of Kate Upton as she puts her hands around Chrissy Teigen’s ankles so she can pull that ho down and take her place.
Last night, hundreds of thousands of sons screamed, “Leave me alone! I’m just giving my Whoopee Cushion a sponge bath,” from their basement bedrooms when their moms asked them what that sound was. That was the sound of their sons becoming men while spending some quality time with a bottle of Jergens lotion and the new cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition. Nina Agdal, Lily Aldridge, Chrissy Teigen and their ass cheeks all made the cover together. I know Leonardo DiCaprio is more of a Victoria’s Secret kind of ho, but he should still be ashamed of himself and step up his game. As far as we know, he’s only humped one out of the three.
I’m sure the boners of straight dudes will disagree with me, but the cover isn’t anything special and it’s kind of awkward. If this was the cover of Scoliosis Quarterly: Swimsuit Edition, they would’ve nailed! But it’s kind of whatever, especially for the 50th anniversary issue. SI should’ve gone big and really done up the cover. They should’ve given us a real classic beauty for the ages. They should’ve given us something truly pucker-worthy like this:
But if they did that, the issue would’ve sold out in seconds and millions of people would’ve looted the printing factory looking for more copies.
And to answer your question, no, I did not get my PhD in Photoshop from MCU (Mariah Carey University). Surprising, I know.