Category: Lil’ Kim
From The “Harpo, Who Dis Woman?” Hall Of Fame…
These pictures passed through my Twitter timeline and inbox yesterday like crazy, and at first I thought it was yet another “Becky with the Good Hair” meme. But when my eyeballs noticed that the name “Lil’ Kim” was attached to them, my retinas transformed into questions marks and I thought that everyone’s phone auto-corrected the name “Katie Price” to “Lil’ Kim,” because the person in those pictures look more like Harvey Price’s mommy than Royal Reign’s.
The always-changing shapeshifter Lil’ Kim once again made the Internet burp up a giant “HUH?” yesterday when she posted those brain-warping selfies (but can you call them “selfies” if you don’t really look like yourself?) on Instagram next to the caption: “Miami Heat!!!” I know that the humidity in Miami fucks with people’s soul but I didn’t know that it had the power to change faces entirely. It looks like Lil’ Kim loaded up those pictures with the Pumpkin Spice Latte and pink UGGs Instagram filters, because she looks like a 20-something aspiring Instagram model/beauty vlogger named Chelsee Sparklez who uses a line from Pretty Little Liars as her email signature and runs the 4th biggest Channing Tatum appreciation Tumblr. Those selfies are kind of giving me Gigi Hadid face-swapping with Renee Zellweger circa 2001.
Those pictures of Lil’ Kim looking like anybody but Lil’ Kim brought out this old quote from a Newsweek interview from 2000:
“I have low self-esteem and I always have. Guys always cheated on me with women who were European-looking. You know, the long-hair type. Really beautiful women that left me thinking, ‘How I can I compete with that?’ Being a regular black girl wasn’t good enough. [My breast implants] surgery was the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life. But people made such a big deal about it. White women get them every day. It was to make me look the way I wanted to look. It’s my body.”
So, I guess, Lil’ Kim is doing herself up the way she wants to do herself up. But reading a thousand rants from my crazier relatives on Facebook have taught me one thing: when all else fails, blame Obama. So I blame Obama for this.
And here’s some pictures from earlier this month of Lil’ Kim looking a little more Lil’ Kim-ish.
Fabio FINALLY Shares His Thoughts About The Kartrashians
This post is really just an excuse to gently caress your eyeballs with the velvety beauty of the tip moistening Italian Adonis who looks like he was chiseled out of a giant blog of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter by Michelangelo. When the Internet hands you a reason to post an exquisite portrait of the human vibrator for eyes, you take it. But while we’re here, let’s go into Fabio pissing all over Kim Kartrashian, and not in the way that made her famous.
Caitlyn Jenner Is Suing The Driver Of The Prius In The Crash On PCH
Well, Caitlyn Jenner does need the money. I mean, she obviously can’t afford clothes and has to steal outfits off of the dead corpses of homeless zombies on Skid Row. How dreadful. But what’s really dreadful is that outfit that makes Caitlyn look like she had a Chico’s kind of day that ended with her getting attacked by rabid hyenas was “designed” by Kanye West so it probably cost more than Lil’ Kim’s last face.
Seen above with the living and breathing Mattel Little Pretty Kitty toy named Lil’ Kim at the Yeezy season 3 show, Caitlyn Jenner has filed the latest lawsuit in the crash on PCH that left a woman dead. TMZ says that Caitlyn has filed a cross-complaint against Jessica Steindorff who was driving the Prius in front of her. If you’re like me, you probably know the details of this car crash better than you know the details of your own damn birth. But if you don’t, what happened was that Caitlyn’s SUV hit a white Lexus in front of her causing the car to shoot into the next lane where it was hit by an oncoming Hummer. The driver of the Lexus, Kim Howe, died. As Kim’s car went into the next lane, Caitlyn’s SUV hit the Prius that was in front of the Lexus.
The Queen Bee Went Out Last Night
Don’t look at the screen like, “Michael, why are you calling Jocelyn Wildenstein’s unknown Asian half-sister ‘the Queen Bee.’” It’s the real Queen Bee (sorry, Beyonce) and the chameleon of rap, Lil Kim, keeping the question, “Harpo, who dis woman?” alive by showing up to the NYC premiere of WE tv’s “Growing Up Hip Hop” looking entirely brand new. She’s giving you the love child of a lucky cat and Victoria Gotti. I saw these pictures on Twitter earlier and after blinking a few dozen times, I still couldn’t figure out who it was. When you can’t place a face, just go ahead and assume it’s Lil Kim since she’s the grand dame master of disguise.
And Taye Diggs also showed up wearing this….
It was really nice of Taye Diggs to find some time between his deliveries to show up to that event. And up until now, I never had a fap fantasy involving Taye Diggs as a bike messenger.
Pics: Wenn.com
ICYMI: Diddy Goes Down At The BET Awards
You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.
The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.
The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.
Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.
It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.
And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.
Pics: Splash
Lil’ Kim Still Hates Nicki Minaj
The rancid beef between these two lives on! On Wednesday night, Lil’ Kim released the follow-up to her remix of Beyoncé’s remix of “Flawless” (suggested title: “Faulty”), a not-so-subtle swipe at Nicki Minaj called “Identity Theft“. The song, which is a whopping 2 minutes long, features Kim rapping about how she’s still the best and she’s back and bitches better watch out or she’ll bust some angry imitation La Toya Jackson moves on you. But the real message I got from “Identity Theft” is that Royal Reign is keeping her mom up at night, because Kim sounds sleepy. Either that, or Kim accidentally ate an Ambien sandwich before they started recording.
Because Lil’ Kim is always a stickler for the details, she made sure the artwork for “Identity Theft” was just as subtle and nuanced as the song itself. The Garfield to Nicki’s Nermal (I know, how dare I drag Nermal into this dehydrated litter box cat turd of a fight) posted this picture of her New Jersey driver’s license with a photo of Nicki to Instagram with the caption:
“Be careful what you wish for… #HardCoreMixtapeUpNext #TheQueenIsBack #QueenBee”
If I were Lil’ Kim, I’d print that picture out and Mod Podge on top of my actual license, because that picture of Nicki Minaj is an UPGRADE. It’s cute! No shade, everyone takes a shit driver’s license photo: I look like a cross-eyed Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheat in budget box dye, and that was AFTER I gave the woman at the DMV my watch and a $20 gift card for Swiss Chalet. So I can’t imagine what Lil’ Kim’s real driver’s license photo looks like. Actually, I can. She probably walks in to the DMV, and they ask if they can all just agree to use a picture of her purple pasty-covered nipple instead.
And in case you want to hear the robo-rapping of Queen Bey followed by slow-mo rapping of Queen B, here’s Lil’ Kim’s version of Beyoncé’s remix to “Flawless”:
Pic: Instagram