“You see this rolled-up magazine? My dick game trumps this bitch.” – Liam Neeson in that picture, obviously.
During an interview with The Irish Independent, Liam Neeson was asked he’s dating anyone and he casually said that he’s seeing an incredibly famous woman. Liam said he was too embarrassed to name her incredibly famous name. The guessing game started! Jezebel even joked that Liam was eating Kristen Stewart’s box in the back of a MINI Cooper because they were both papped leaving the same restaurant on the same night. The Mirror picked up Jezebel’s joke and put it out there as a serious question. Gossip Cop later shocked everyone by saying that Kristen Stewart’s puss is not sucking on Liam’s Evian bottle dick. But well, now UsWeekly is trying to kill the fun by saying that Liam was just telling jokes.
An insider tells Us Weekly exclusively that the Taken 3 star, 63, “was just joking.”
Uh huh, that’s what a dude who accidentally let it slip that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman would say. I bet that the incredibly famous woman he’s regularly fucking called him from the hospital (where she’s recovering from getting her cervix smashed to smithereens by his typhoon-class peen) and told him to make the story go away, because an incredibly famous woman like her wants to keep things private. That’s totally something an incredibly famous woman would do too.
And here’s pictures of my guess for Liam’s incredibly famous piece, Chicken Cutlets, posing with chicken cutlets in a highly artistic grocery store photo shoot. Ginger hotness can be found in your grocer’s refrigerator section.
Tall piece of Irish hotness Liam Neeson did an interview with The Irish Independent to promote a TV documentary he narrates and the subject of whose sugar walls are getting mashed by his long banger came up. It’s been 6 years since Liam Neeson lost his wife Natasha Richardson and he understandably says that it’s still a really sore subject and the grief will always be there. But Liam got happier while talking about Valentine’s Day and his new piece. No, the interviewer didn’t ask Liam about Valentine’s Day right after talking about him losing his wife. They had tact and talked about other stuff in between. I think.
But anyway, Liam was asked about his Valentine’s Day plans and also asked if he’s regularly blowing out the same coochie with his Irish ham sub sandwich peen. Liam said that he’s dating an incredibly famous woman.
“I’ll send out a few bunches of flowers to various people and I usually just say ‘from an Irish admirer’.” Is he involved with anyone? “Yes, but I’d embarrass her if I said her name, she’s incredibly famous. I’ll have to do my best for her. It’s amazing how far a simple bunch of freshly picked flowers will go in a lady’s life, I find.”
There’s not many people I’d call “incredibly famous,” so that easily narrows it down to these 10 women who are more famous than famous.
The Snapple Lady
La Toya Jackson
The Roses Lady of West Hollywood
But seriously, there is an easy way to figure out who Liam Neeson’s incredibly famous girlfriend is. All we have to do is keep our eyes open for a famous lady who walks bow-legged, has to constantly hold onto her crotch to keep her vagina from falling out and has a hunchback because a big Irish dick broke her spine. I mean, we all have that GIF of Liam’s swinging crotch vine saved onto our desktops forever. Since it is a NSFW classic and never gets old I’ve thrown it up after the cut.
Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
Liam Neeson, father of two teenage boys, tells The Catholic Herald, of course, that modern society is filled with a bunch of fuck-hungry slut whores with dripping genitals (cut to my guiltface) and that the media keeps throwing sex in our faces, which is ruining the specialness of love making. Liam says that kids today can’t open their eyes without seeing crotches thrusting on TV and they can’t hit play on iTunes without hearing some slut sing about banging. Liam went on to say that the media has to stop being so damn sexy before they completely ruin the magic and wonder of fucking.
“I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it.”
Yes, the media is sex crazed and yes, we’re all a bunch of sex crazed horny whores, but you know who’s a little to blame for that? LIAM NEESON! Hasn’t Liam Neeson seen his own Evian bottle dick in action in Rob Roy? Your part (ten inches, to be exact) is part of the problem, Liam Neeson. And please keep being part of the problem, because your Evian bottle dick needs more screen time.
via The Telegraph
Now you know what Liam Neeson looks like in the morning when his half-naked ass rolls out of bed to take a start of the day caca on his porcelain throne. (Or maybe he’s taking a start of the day piss, because he’s still too tired in the body to stand. Story of my AM life.)
Liam Neeson knows that one of the best ways to find a cure for breast cancer is to strip down to his pink panties, so that’s exactly what he did on Ellen yesterday. Liam took off his pink robe, plumped up his 60-year-old chest cutlets, sat down and waited for an audience member’s ball to make it rain all over his body. I’m totally disappointed that Liam didn’t do the Flashdance back arch while a tsunami fell on his head. Watch him in action, and yes, I’m pretty sure his toilet at home looks just like that.
And DUH, I’d hit it. Liam supposedly has an Evian bottle dick and I have a recycling dumpster b-hole, so it’s a match! My ass will even spit up 5 cents afterward.
The rumor is that Heidi Klum’s bodyguard Martin Kristen has been protecting her body extra close and most nights, he strips her down, strips himself down and then protects her body by lying on her so no bullets can hit her or anything. Seal was going through LAX the other night and TMZ asked him about Heidi being the Whitney to Martin’s Kevin Costner. Seal basically said that Heidi’s rose stopped kissing him, because she was too busy humping on her bodyguard. And it’s kind of hard kissing Heidi’s rose when Martin’s dick is shoved into it. Heidi’s cooch: one day you’re in, the next day you’re out, because the bodyguard’s up in there.
Being the eloquent poet that he is, Seal said this when asked about Martin and he also said my favorite phrase of the day:
“Look, boys, this is what happens when two people separate, they move on and that generally means there’s new people in their lives. I don’t expect Heidi to all of a sudden become a nun. But as always, my main priority is the emotional of our children and to be quite honest if there’s going to be somebody in their lives I’d much rather it be a familiar face. The only thing I would’ve preferred is if…um… I didn’t expect any better from him, I would’ve thought Heidi would’ve shown a little bit more class and at least waited until we separated first before deciding to fornicate with the help.”
Heidi wouldn’t say if she’s fornicating with the help now, but she denied fornicating with the help while she was married to Seal. Who cares either way, because we all won by Seal mouth farting the phrase: FORNICATE WITH THE HELP. I don’t know if I should put on my coat and damn tails because it sounds like some prim and proper shit that would slip off of Maggie Smith’s tongue in Downton Abbey. Or if it sounds dirtier than saying, she’s getting dicked in the puss by her bodyguard. I don’t know, but I do know that Seal’s next single should be called Fornicate with the Help.
Here’s Heidi and the help in NYC, making their way to her apartment to fornicate.